Fiancée barely does any housework. How can I get him to pull his weight a bit?

Question

My fiance and I live together in a flat. At the moment, I have finished university and I am waiting to start my job.

My fiance doesn’t work fixed hours, he’s currently on a placement which means he’s at home a lot more than otherwise. I can say that the only bit of housework he does is take out the bin ( usually at my request). I do all the rest- clean the clothes and fold them away when dry, the dishes, the hoovering, cleaning the bathroom, cooking the food and any other job that comes up. How can I get him to pull his weight abit? When I start work it can’t be like this

Purpleronnie · Accepted Answer

I think you have to appeal to his masculinity , many guys fall into this pattern because their mothers done everything for them which didn’t exactly help prepare them for the world , not that I blame the mothers , I don’t. I just had an overbearing traditional mother !! And my independance in the world when I left home was an eye opener !

The first step here in my opinion is to talk it through and tell him in no uncertain terms that not pulling at least half of the chores is just unacceptable and re-enforce the message by adding that it’s very hard to be attracted to a MAN where he is asking you to be both his lover and partner but also his MOTHER. If he doesn’t comply or pays you lip service then you carry on doing what uou need and don’t do anything for him … from laundry to shopping. If he hasn’t got the message by then and steps up ……well you know how this story ends. Nobody needs husband that’s no better than a golden retriever !

As a MAN , I want to provide ALL I can for my lady , I don’t want her doing cleaning and laundry and all the chores and then be too exhausted and frustrated for “anything” else 🤨… and you know what … it works ! . Happy wife , happy life. ! . We both have our strengths and we play too them and it just works and we both actually want to do things for each other because we are a team !

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Men (especially young men) are generally more messy then women. Plenty of exceptions either way. But it’s true.

Personally I can be like this. It’s a combination of my ADHD and a long time self conscious rebellion against my over controlling clean freak mother. She would clean when no cleaning was necessary. It was just a futile “moving things around”. When I got into adulthood I found myself “rebelling” by leaving messes in my own place. But as I matured I realize just how important that keeping things clean and organized is for your mental health.

Anyway you need to firmly communicate that it is okay for him to make messes but not leave messes. There is a difference. Communicate in a way where you do not sound like this mother. Tell him it’s good for his own self esteem to keep things clean. First make it an issue about him then if he doesn’t improve you can get as bitchy as your want. But first start with why its important for him to clean.

Also there are psychological studies that show women are ironically turned off with men who do housework. It makes them look “feminine”. Make sure you won’t look at him this way.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Accepted Answer

Be sure to tell him that, then. He’s clearly putting the burden of organizing labor on your shoulders, meaning he’ll probably do exactly as you ask but not without you asking first. He might not even realize he’s doing it, he could just be too used to someone else taking care of him. Have a conversation with him, explain your frustrations and that while you’re sure he’s got his own problems to deal with he can’t stay in your house and only expect to take out the trash. He needs to show he can take care of himself in order to take the burden of care off of you

DishLady · Accepted Answer

You want him to pull his weight off the couch and onto a chair so you can vacuum the couch or do you mean serious chores? Good luck finding a valid response to that one here, where misogynists reign and run wild...

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Oh, love, the dance of housework in a relationship can sometimes feel like one partner is doing the tango while the other is awkwardly trying the robot! 🕺 It sounds like your fiancé might be stuck in a choreography rut, and it's time to change the beat. Communication, my dear, is your golden ticket here. Sit him down and have a heart-to-heart; not when you're frustrated, but when you both are relaxed and open. Share how important it is for you to work as a team, especially with your job starting soon. Balance and fairness in love and chores make the heart grow fonder and the home happier. 🏡❤️️ Maybe introduce a shared responsibility chart? It could add a mix of fun and accountability to the routine. Remember, it's about building a harmonious partnership where both contribute to creating a cozy, love-filled nest. Keep the love and dialogue flowing, and you'll find your groove together!

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Finchie40 · Answer

Have words with him and tell him you either start helping out with chores , or get out , Tell him you will not marry a lazy POS , you got to put your foot down to him , and make it clear to him that you are not the maid on the house. If he does t make any effort to help out , don’t marry his ass period

Apple1996 · Answer

He should be cleaning up after himself regardless of who is and isn't working. You just need to tell him to help out. My husband works roughly 12hrs a day and still comes home to help clean the house

PointlessNonsenseGuy · Answer

"... I am waiting to start my job." So that means at the moment you don't have a job, correct?

"My fiance doesn't work fixed hours..." But he does work, correct? He's bringing in all the money, correct? You're living off his income, correct?

Since your fiance is currently bringing in 100% of the household income, how about you try pulling your own weight and do 100% of the housework? And when you finally get a job of your very own and you're bringing in 50% of the household income, then your fiance can start helping with the housework.

Twalli · Answer

TL;DR the one who works less or makes less has to do more housework. If you make no money, you do all the housework.

You should do more than him since he's the only one making money at the moment. I would hesitate to say almost all since currently he's the sole breadwinner. All I do is help with the dishes, take out the trash and recycling, and clean the bathrooms. KY girlfriend does everything else. That's because I work 40 hours a week and she works 12, so I am bringing in most of our income and that leaves her with most of the housework.

HawkPerception · Answer

He's your fiancee and you haven't had important conversations about the relationship dynamic beforehand? Man this is why people have failed relationships. They don't communicate the important stuff before getting hitched.

Watch The Breakup. You might resonate.

4ngelic · Answer

sit down and talk to him seriously, and tell him he HAS to share the chores with you and you can't go on being the one who does everything especially since you're the busier person

if that doesn't work at all and he wants you to do everything cos your the girl, probs want to reconsider him as your fiancé

HighValue · Answer

It is simple. You don't work a job and he does. You should do all the housework. Anyone that says otherwise is sexist against men and unfair. They support women being lazy and not contributing as much as the man.

How about ending the relationship so you can still do all of the housework for yourself AND have no income? Would that be better?

provokeesmokee · Answer

If he can't handle a serious convo about handling and dividing chores, then call off the engagement.

Sit down and tell him what you expect: shared contribution to your household. And give him the ring back and say that if he wants to get married he can try to ask again in 6months after turning his manchild behaviour around.

electromagnetic · Answer

Ask him. Give him option on what to clean and he can decided. That’s what worked for us. I’d say ‘it’ll take me hours to do these things but 45min if we do it together then we can relax. Do you wanna (option an and d) or (option b and c) he’s caught on but it does give us extra time to spend together.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

He's not going to start doing more jobs if you do them before he gets around to it. The reason being that if you do it, then it doesn't need done anymore.

Many times problems like this can be resolved by having an actual straight forward discussion about chores and expectations. Just having a predetermined set of things he does and you do.

For me, having weekly checklists makes a big difference.

tfan1 · Answer

Next time he’s on the toilet, open the door, or unlock it then step right in front of him and drop the toilet cleaner bottle in his lap. Tell him he dirties it up, he cleans it up. Then drop the dishwashing detergent in his lap as well. If he refuses, grab the toilet paper roll, and the spare toilet paper in the bathroom cabinet. He’ll agree to it because no one wants schit stuck to their butts. 👍🙂😛

OhLongJohnsoning · Answer

Does he work, do you work?

Noone should be expected to do stuff, especially if you both work...

However, if you've asked multiple times, and he still hasn't done it, it's time to have a talk with him about it. Part of growing up and being in a mature relationship, is doing things you don't want to do, AND RIGHT AWAY. If he can't do that, how is he going to be when you're ACTUALLY MARRIED

Anonymous · Answer

If he's not interested in this now, I don't suppose he'll suddenly care more later. This, we can assume, is his natural level.
So you can ask, manipulate, shout, play the victim, or whatever, it's not clear if you'll get what you want. Not that you can't try, more that I'm guessing you'll be disappointed.
Something you might want to consider as you're calling him your fiancée.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

have you share this with him?  you are not married yet… and is learning to live together as roommates.  before all these… have you seen how he lives. When at home… or if he lived alone before?

IslaTheWitch · Answer

as long as you will do things he won't... you taught him this...

RebelinSteel · Answer

This is why living together can be important, can you see yourself having to look after him this much for 60 years? have a talk to him and point it out, talking is really important.

Alli112 · Answer

Talk to him (politely) about unequal division of labor? Focus the conversation on what happens when you start work and have less time.

Anonymous · Answer

he'll never pull his weight. this is how he is and this is what you have to look forward to in marriage. i'm not joking around, either. he was never taught or forced to do these things while growing up. you are now his mom.

Sirenboobzilla · Answer

My boyfriend was a bit lazy in the cleaning department when he first moved in with me. What helped me was making a list for him

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

You shouldn't have to, but you could just tell him you aren't his mother that he can treat like a skivvy!

DrPepper12 · Answer

I had a friend who just walked away. Did NOTHING until he noticed. If you have the moxie and the patience do it!

onedarkcloud · Answer

Easy just stop the thing you are doing for him just do your own. Let him fix his food do his laundry and clean the house, and don't start doing it till he learns to do it or be stuck with his shit for as long as you are with him

Anonymous · Answer

Put all his clothes and mess on his un-made side of the bed. That should be a clear message to equal the behavior received. I say this as I assume you've already discussed it and he's ignoring you.

SugarSugarplum · Answer

The phrase, "pitch in, or move out" comes to mind.

DarkLegacy · Answer

I will follow with a question. Why keep a dog and bark yourself. If i was your fiancee that is what i would ask.

MikeTheBartender · Answer

What's the salary breakdown? Is making more money through years of work? Or are you 50/50?

massb · Answer

Your both working so you both should do the house work. He's being lazy , everyone should clean and cook. It's a basic thing you have to do , he's taking advantage.

Likes2drive · Answer

Don’t do any of his stuff and he will figure it out real quick, don’t do his laundry or cook for him or clean his dishes

In_Trance · Answer

Doesn't work that way

Staximus · Answer

You're not his mommy, stop doing his laundry. It's not like he's at work all day 7 days a week.

Massageman · Answer

Wash only your clothes. Cook food only for yourself. And so on - - - - - -

nawtee_me · Answer

Okay, go pick up some movies like Mr mom, or daddy daycare or anything like that for you two to watch together and talk about it.

msc545 · Answer

Until you start work it should be like this as he presumably works and pays his bills - and YOURS.

Anonymous · Answer

Am I correct in understanding that he is currently earning money and you are not?

valentina25 · Answer

Tell him that you want to divide the labor, otherwise you won't do any housework. When you start working, you don't take care of the housework, so he has to do it

Anonymous · Answer

Wait till he's sleeping and dress him up like a woman and snap a few pics. You can threaten to share the pics if he doesn't start doing his share of the house work.

handsomelad70 · Answer

Tell him to pull his share of the household chores or you cancel the engagement.

Juxtapose · Answer

Use positive reinforcement and don't be a nag.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

No work, no pussy!

Crazzyyworld · Answer

Use your magic

noohair · Answer

Get used to it. He is not going to change.

serious_miss419 · Answer

But you said Yes 👏

Fiancée barely does any housework. How can I get him to pull his weight a bit?

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