Why don't guys keep trying to impress their girlfriends in a relationships and stop putting effort into their appearance?

[prettypinkprincess]

My boyfriend was very attractive and handsome when we first met and when we started dating, in the first 4 months of an official relationship. He had amazing, gorgeous, not-too-short and not-too-long hair that had shape, style, softness, he looked nice. His outfits were planned and intentional, he was stylish. He was always clean shaven - my dream guy. Checked every box. Later down the line, though, he seemed to get complacent. He stopped doing that. He stopped showering before seeing me, would let his face get scruffy and his facial hair would irritate my skin and make it red and badly itchy, wore pajama pants every time I saw him. He completely let himself go, drank too much and got a beer belly it will take a LOT to get rid of, he hasn't gotten a haircut in over a year now and he likes his hair long because he thinks it's badass and wants to grow it to Peter Steele length, but it looks so ridiculous. He looks greasy, dirty, slovenly... his hair strands stick to his forehead or the top looks mashed down and he puts it in a ponytail like a girl, I have to part his hair like curtains to kiss him. It's not an attractive look at all and I find myself turned off and desiring him physically less. I tried gently persuading him to get his hair trimmed and shaped up, nothing dramatic. And he ALMOST listened to me, but he has a DUI so he asked his parents for a ride to the salon and they said no... because they like his hair long. It reminds his mom of her brothers and his DAD when they first met. ummm... a mother doesn't need to be aesthetically attracted to her son, red flag. So her opinion trumps mine? When you love someone, you want them to present as the best version of themselves and he's just not the guy I fell in love with. He's changed, and it's like he's lost all his confidence and self-respect. He seems different, like a shell of himself. What's going on? Anything I can do, and what can save this relationship? He's otherwise a loyal, committed, sweet guy.

Updates

1 y

Should I just give it to him straight, reassure him that I love him but his hair looks greasy and sloppy and like he doesn't take care of himself and it's giving me the ick, and that I thought he looked so handsome and dreamy when we first met and started dating and that was his best look? That I think he'd feel a lot more confident if he got it shaped up a little, maybe some layers? When you look good, you feel good. Should I just be brutally honest at the risk of hurting his feelings?

[HollyK21]

I understand where you’re coming from, he started in the way that made you fall for him and now he’s totally changed. As others have said, he’s gotten comfortable and that’s why this is happening. The person he presented as in the beginning wasn’t his genuine self, and instead what he thought would attract you (or any woman really while he was on the market).


It’s definitely disappointing but no use crying over spilled milk — this is what you’re working with now. I looked at your other responses and honestly, if it’s that big of a deal to tidy himself up again and he’s worried about his family then maybe he isn’t the one for you. Yes he has redeeming qualities but you also have standards that he currently isn’t meeting.


No one has to agree or disagree with how you feel about this, you’re the one living it every day, having to kiss or be intimate, it’s up to you to decide if he’s still the one you’re want to do all that with.

[prettypinkprincess]

I've seen his pictures. Even before we met, when he had another girlfriend for a year, before her, he always took pride in the way he carried himself. It's like even that is gone. Even his last serious girlfriend, he was cleaner and would shave religiously. He *let himself go*.

Of course I'm going to still be with him because I love him, but... he's giving me the ick that he never did before.

[Breanna_nonbinary]

It’s because that’s not who they really are. It is the same way with women. They get all dolled up to go to the clubs and impress men but at some point they have to stop doing that because it’s not practical.

[prettypinkprincess]

He took care of himself before we met and when we started dating.

[Breanna_nonbinary]

Of course. That’s how it works. It a way for people to impress and make a good impression. Kind of like a job interview. You wear your best to impress but you don’t always continue to try and impress when you have the job.

[hahahmm]

Why should a man have to shave for you? That's like a man expecting you to grow a mustache for him. Generally guys don't dress FOR women.

And if a guy did everything you wanted then you would claim he's too p*sy/passive and get turned off by that. Reminds me of the woman who begged her fiance to wear a dress just so she could see what he looked like in a dress. He put on a dress & then she cancelled the wedding because she couldn't imagine marrying a guy gay enough to put on a dress.

Anyhow you mentioned DUI on his side.. You picked him! Why is that? Pick better.

[prettypinkprincess]

The DUI was waaaay into the relationship, not when we met. I was his passenger princess and he had a life and autonomy.

Okay, but men still expect us to shave down there for them so it doesn't turn them off, hairless legs, arms, armpits because that's what's "appropriate" and standard to them? Make it make sense.

[hahahmm]

There's feminine and masculine. Feminine traits include biological and social ones. So if you lived in a country where socially it's acceptable for a woman to have 2 inch long under arm hair you'd be free not to shave. And no, life isn't fair and "equal". Unfortunately for you women guys can't fake being sexually attracted to a woman like a woman can fake it. If you repulse us we're not going to be able to perform sexually so yes, we get to require some things. And on the flip side, if you want a guy to give traditional benefits then.. you gotta be feminine. It is what it is.

[Staximus]

Layers? Guys don't do that to their hair unless they play for the pink team. You sound like a superficial selfish person. You're so worried about how you want him to look, did you ever think about the rain he's letting himself go? Something happened that knocked his dick in the dirt. You need to help him get back on the horse of life and stop thinking about ways to kick him when he's down. Pull your head out of your ass.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the classic case of love's labor lost... in the wardrobe and grooming department! It seems like your man has taken a little detour from Prince Charming Avenue to Comfy Couch Lane. It's a tale as old as time, where the initial chase turns into a comfy jog in pajama pants. But fret not! There's always room for a plot twist in the love story.

It sounds like your beau might be nesting in his comfort zone, shielded by the love and acceptance he's receiving, which isn't a bad thing. However, maintaining mutual attraction and effort is key in a flourishing relationship. That beam of attraction that initially connected you two? It's like a garden; it needs constant tending to bloom.

What to do, you ask? Communication is your best friend (and mine too, by the way!). Have an open and heartfelt chat about how important it is for both partners to feel attracted to each other and how his recent changes affect you. It's not just about trimming the hair or shaving the stubble; it's about regaining that lost confidence and showing up for each other. Perhaps a couple's adventure to a style revamp or a shared fitness goal might rekindle that spark. And remember, changes motivated by love and mutual respect are the most enduring. Keep the conversation light, sprinkle it with love, and who knows? Maybe he'll find a Peter Steele look that works in both your favors. Hold onto that sweet, committed guy you love, and together navigate back to the path where you both shine your brightest. Love requires a bit of polishing from time to time. ✨💑

[Billlewis]

Because once they've been enjoying sex with you for a while, they become lazy and unmotivated.

[prettypinkprincess]

So should I not have sex with him until he cleans up?

[Billlewis]

I think that's an excellent idea. I'd love to chat with you about this if you'd like. Please follow or message me if you want.

[exitseven]

Obviously he does not care what you think. When you are dating somebody you should be trying to be on your best behavior. This is a big red flag.

[prettypinkprincess]

I agree, and put your best face forward. Just because I've locked him down doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing my hair, show up in dumpy pajamas or not shower.

[Anonymous]

It is so much work to get a girl in the first place, we are exhausted from the effort when we finally do. But I do try to stay in good shape and clean and well-groomed and well-dressed.

[Iron_Man]

Every couple always complains about that, that he or she let themselves go

[Anonymous]

He got too comfortable, which shows that he doesn’t respect himself that much. He only took care of himself for female attention

[Anonymous]

The fact that you consider his mom a threat is a big red flag.

[prettypinkprincess]

Well, there's a lot more to that story.
She controls him, she gatekeeps him and tells him when he can and can't see me, never invites me anywhere, she has hissy fits if he's on the phone and implemented a 9 p. m. curfew "so she can spend some time with him" because she "never gets to see him anymore" now that he has a girlfriend even though they live together, he gets off work at 3 p. m., has him for the rest of the day/night and she's always home. That's not enough apparently, and she expects him to go no contact with me on "family only" days. He still sneaks in texts if he can, though. And she's nice to my face and follows me on IG and FB, but she did that with his ex too and bashed her. I learned that I'm the only girl his family's not had a problem with... but I also recently discovered that they've been talking about me behind my back and his sister made fun of me to upset him and hurt him in an argument when I wasn't there. He told me. Also his mom got jealous - yes, HIS WORDS - when he came over and cooked for me as a romantic gesture to celebrate 8 months together and made him stay home held him hostage the next day and cook her the same recipe. She bashed his ex to my mom, but "liked" their photos together on Facebook anyway. Isn't that what's happening here? Ummmm... those red flags definitely outnumber mine.

[Opinion Owner]

And yet you're still with him (assuming what you tell me is true). This guy must be pretty hot. Because if this were true he's no man.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You can’t take him to the salon?

[prettypinkprincess]

I can. But I think he's afraid of the consequences at home. His parents are abusive.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

So he lives in a home where he actively has no control over his appearance, you KNOW this, and you’re complaining about his inability to keep up an appearance standard as if it’s his fault for doing so?

[prettypinkprincess]

He knows I can always drive him anywhere and he's 24. He doesn't know how to stand up for himself because mommy's opinion has him in a chokehold. What can she do?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Help him move out, then

[Danny_dan92]

Because they got comfortable

[prettypinkprincess]

Well, they shouldn't. Their partner can always find someone who takes more pride in themselves.

[Danny_dan92]

Yep. Exactly