I feel like a mother to my boyfriend. What should I do?

Question

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years, and while things were great at first, the past nine months have been difficult. I've started to feel more like his mother than his girlfriend, constantly cleaning up after him, doing his laundry, and even reminding him to brush his teeth. Despite trying to address this, nothing has changed. He spends a full day with friends weekly, and when we’re together, he only wants to play video games. He’s even said I’m like his mother, which made things worse. I'm exhausted and unsure if I should push him to grow up or end the relationship.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

You are probably best to end the relationship and move on , Because the truth is , you can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change. Since he made no effort to to help you around the house and makes no effort to better the relationship with you , after you addressed your concerns , you are best to move on from him and eventually find yourself a guy that wants to work with you and not against you. Relationships are team work , not everything is going to be perfect but someone that truly loves you and cares about you will make an effort and try to compromise with you instead of sitting around and playing video games all day and running out with his friends every chance he gets. So the truth is , you are not his priority , you are just a convince to him , you feel like his mother because you don’t have a partner , you have a user. I am going through the same shit with my wife that I ended it with , I realized she is a user , she doesn’t have my back the same way she expects me to have hers. Her true colors shined the second I got laid off from my job , instead of stepping up and having my back , she decided to treat me like shit instead and blame me for everything , she acts like she is not capable of working and chooses not to work at all , Now that money is tight , she still blames me for everything , I realized all I am good for , is a paycheck to her , she is not a partner , she is a user , She barely lifts a finger around the house unless I tell her to do something , she acts like she was sent from above to be catered to. I have asked her numerous times to go back to work considering she has been getting offers left and right and she just refuses thinking she shouldn’t have to work period , but she has no problem spending money that she didn’t earn. She is a selfish POS human being that only cares about herself. Ending it with her was the best move I have made.

Lliam · Accepted Answer

He no longer respects you or cares what you think of him. He is taking you for granted and treating you like trash because he thinks you are locked in and won't leave.

He's showing you what he wants to do with his life. Is that the kind of life you want for yourself.

He's just a boyfriend. Get rid of the slug. Let him be with his bros and play games and be a slob.

Even if he makes an effort to clean up his act in order to keep you around, he will eventually revert back. Imagine being married to a guy like that with no motivation or self pride.

DishLady · Accepted Answer

A guy HAS a mom already. He doesn't need another one. While it's sweet to fuss over your man a little, it's important not to step into "mom" mode with him, otherwise you stop appearing valuable and desirable as his girlfriend.

You shouldn't have to PUSH a guy -- that's also a mom thing to do. girlfriend's not meant to nag or chase a guy. If you're not appreciated, you need to step away from the guy.

Stop doing his laundry and nudging him to do anything... Walk away for a week and see how he handles it.

MzAsh · Accepted Answer

Sit him down and clearly state that you need a partner who shares the load, not a child to raise. If he can’t meet you halfway, you might have to reconsider what you’re getting from this relationship.

If you’re feeling stuck on how to have this conversation or what your next steps should be, I help women get through exactly these kinds of challenges.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

It sounds like you've become the star of a romance that's slowly turning into a family sitcom – but without the cute kids and laugh track! When you're aiming for a soulmate and end up feeling more like a caretaker, it's definitely a scenario that needs rethinking. Love, in its most thrilling form, involves growth, challenges, and mutual support, not a rerun of "Honey, I Forgot to Adult."

You've hit the nail on the head by recognizing the situation – that's step one. Pushing him to grow up might seem like the caring thing to do, but it's crucial for both partners in a relationship to inspire each other, not to take on the role of a personal coach (leave that to professionals like me 😉). If heart-to-hearts and setting boundaries haven't nudged him towards being more self-sufficient, it might be time to consider whether this dynamic is what you want long-term.

Ending a relationship is tough, no doubt about it, especially when you've invested so much. Yet, prioritizing your happiness and well-being could lead you to a relationship that feels more like a partnership and less like a parental project. Life's too short to spend it mothering a grown man, right? Take some time to think about what you truly need and deserve. It's all about finding that balance between love and independence. 🌟

Anonymous · Answer

You know maybe instead of going on offense, you should try and understand what’s going on with him… maybe work is kicking his ass. It is for a lot of us right now. Look at all the strikes that have happened in the last year or so, the economy is in the pits, it’s becoming difficult to just live and enjoy life. Life for a man is not rainbows and butterflies.

I will tell you this, for growing up in a world where the man is supposed to be able to provide, we’re no longer living in a time where this is NEARLY as possible as it once was. As men we are constantly taken advantage of in the workplace, there’s clear favoritism towards basically anyone else except straight white men (unless you have seniority at the company), and if he’s anything like me, he’s not getting paid nearly enough for the work and effort he puts in… and then after all of that, he has to come home to a woman that wants to get over on and berate him? And maybe that’s too strong of a word, I don't know, but you know what I mean… think about it.

I’m not trying to make this political, but maybe you should at least try to understand his situation a bit better. It’s getting to a point in life where for some of us, it feels like there isn’t a a whole lot of hope left and you just kind of feel like ”you know what? F*ck it.” Put yourself in his shoes and seek to understand. You might be making this relationship a little too much about you.

blunty · Answer

Feeling like a mother in your relationship can be emotionally draining and may create an imbalance. It’s important to understand why you feel this way. Are you taking on too much responsibility for his well-being or decisions? Open communication is key here. Express how you feel to your boyfriend in a calm and respectful way. Let him know that you need a more balanced dynamic, where both partners share responsibility equally. Encourage him to take more initiative in areas where you feel you're overextending yourself.

It’s also essential to set boundaries. While caring for someone is natural in a relationship, it’s important not to let it shift into a parental role.

Nikki1989 · Answer

It is really disturbing that so many grown men are nothing more than big children these days. Video games, watching anime/cartoons, listening to bubblegum pop music and generally acting immature. I have talked to men on here in their 30s and even 40s, and it felt like I was talking to a 12-year-old.

Find yourself a real man, not this man-child.

hollydolly · Answer

Don't waste your time,
If its been going on long enough that you want the internets take, guarantee you've tried to communicate etc etc etc

Run. It won't get better. He's found the perfect set up he's got someone to sleep with who also cleans up after him and feeds/ he has no reason to change

Give him one

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Answer

I’m sure he dates women just so they can take care of him. I wouldn’t expect him to change, just leave. Let him go out, pack your stuff and leave the key if you gotta. Text him and let him know you’re done and break up with him, then block him. He’ll try to beg for you to come back and make empty promises to change, don’t believe them. Believe your experience and know that this man isn’t worth it.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

Seconding @dishlady's take, when you consider pushing him to grow up (which is impossible), to paraphrase you, it means that you're already putting yourself in a mom's role. It takes two persons for this kind of unwanted role assignment to happen  in a relationship. A parent-like and a child-like. If you  abandon the assignment , then it disables these dynamics, it should then reveal things you didn't consider yet in this relation.

bobalife · Answer

Un-mother thee boyfriend. He’s a boyfriend, not your son. A boyfriend is a partner, not someone to push to grow up like a son but who can choose to grow with you or want to grow himself. Aka it’s time to step away and find yourself a real boyfriend/husband to be.
Plus he’s neglecting the relationship and just taking what he can out from you. Hell nah!

Aubrey97 · Answer

Given that you both seem to be in agreement about that and have discussed it before, I'd say it's not going to change. This is likely just how he wants it and so you both want different things and are not compatible. It sucks to admit after 2.5 years but it seems best to end it and find someone with a maturity level more similar to you.

Account · Answer

That exactly. The thing you are describing is amongst my fears. I couldn't handle that. I wouldn't be able to be in such a relationship, it would make me very unhappy.

Nik1hil · Answer

Then it is time to torture him.

Ruin his sex, he thinks you are like his mother. Call him son in bed. Do things and say things as if he is in bed with his mother. Watch him squeal and run!.. haha!.. oh, And if he likes that, then you know you have to run!

RHK36 · Answer

Then leave the relationship. You have no obligation to take care of someone that doesn't even take care of himself. He clearly doesn't care about you to allow it. If you stay don't complain about him anymore because it signals that you're okay with his giving up.

Anonymous · Answer

Honesty, but not in an aggressive manner. Simply say that I am not your mother. I didn't start a relationship with the idea of becoming your mother. We are both equal partners in our relationship, and it makes me uncomfortable when you give the mother role to me. Just get to the point, but do so quietly to avoid starting an argument. Assure them that you will be there for them, but you cannot and will not play the mother role.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Leave, I'm not sure how you went 2.5 years without noticing these issues.. since most people can't hide their bs for that long. Have you just moved in 9 months ago? lol

beefcakebradybatson · Answer

Explain to him that he's an adult, not a child and you expect him to take care of his personal needs to prove he's a worthy boyfriend. Sounds as if he was a spoiled brat as a lad and he expects you to replace his mother as his guardian.(I'd tell him to become a fan of the MLB team if he wants a Guardian !!!)

Caroline91 · Answer

Go out and find yourself a real man. Leave the little boy who isn’t showing up for you to his friends and video games. A real man cherishes and cares for the woman he loves. He knows how to give as well as receive. You deserve better.

BetaBucks · Answer

Stop doing those things. No one is forcing you. You have to let go of the control though. It sucks and it's hard, but if you have the willpower to baby him, you have the willpower to stop. Or find a relationship that is the right for you.

bowenw · Answer

He doesn't seem the least bit interested in a relationship or putting any effort into making it work. It seems like it is time to send him packing.

lightbulb27 · Answer

Talk and make changes. Lot of man childs out there. No more games …too distracring. God help you women due to the failure of parents…

itsannalee · Answer

Talk to him about it, about what you feel and what you want. If u both can’t find a way to solve the problem, just leave him.

SeriouslyNotSerious · Answer

"... even reminding him to brush his teeth" Girl, how do you kiss? 😭

Anonymous · Answer

"They're looking for something between a waitress and a mother..."

805Girlbruhhhh · Answer

Havnt you heard that old saying “some men marry their mothers “- they need to be take. Care of etc. and some chicks like that role. Hopefully you don’t wipe his ass or breastfeed him lol - stop doing things for him then like a mom? Or beat him with a chancla when he’s bad and let him have his mommy issues. Ha Ike good luck

BCA6010 · Answer

I think you should put your foot down and remind him of your expectations. If that's a problem for either of you, then it's time to move on.

exitseven · Answer

You are enabling him by doing all the things his mother used to do for him. Stop being his mother.  Or else give him a nice bottle and put him to bed.

SuchSightsToShowYou · Answer

Have you been like his mother for the whole two and a half years? Or did this start recently? Does he have a job of some sort? Just curious, how's the sex between you and your boyfriend/son?

WhitneySnow · Answer

You might be better off ending things. I’m only 18 and even I would find his behavior irritating, at least if he did it all the time.

Texaskid1 · Answer

Spank him and tell him he is a big boy and needs to put on his big by pants.

Metalbarbie · Answer

Sit him down and have a serious talk with him. Your his girlfriend not his mother. Give him the ultimatum if he doesn't get his act together then there is no future with you.

Straight2thepoint · Answer

He is still a kid. You need a better guy. Theirs guys out there being for women like you. And they aren't hanging out at a gym or club. They are fishing. They are building stuff. They are hunting.

Nerdvana · Answer

Leave him. You are great girlfriend and sound prefect. You deserve better. You sound frustrated. In relationships, frustration turns into hate. I hope I can meet someone like you one day.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

If he doesn't change get rid of him.  You don't need a grown man child carrying his dead weight.

_Senorita_ · Answer

I think that maybe he is a narcissist or a mumma's boy

RingOfFire · Answer

"should push him to grow up or end the relationship." Sounds to me like you already know what you have to do.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Move on. He will not change unless sonfronted with that.

nawtee_me · Answer

Put your big mama’s foot down and turn him over your knee and whip his ass…. Send him out to get a switch from the tree if you need to give him time to think about it first…. lol.

Radiate143 · Answer

Get out , yesterday

SvenTree · Answer

Walk away. You said "Despite me trying to address this, nothing has changed". I don't think it's worth anyone's time that you try talk things trough again when he hasn't made an effort to change so far. Just walk away.

JesseP1nk · Answer

Holy fuck.

MyBrainsInsaneReign · Answer

I mean, he hasn't been like this the whole time you've been with him. When did he start acting like this? What changed? Did he start acting like this when you two moved in together?

Sabretooth · Answer

end it. this is pathetic... and that is coming from someone who's pretty lazy, himself. patience is one thing but this is ridicules!

RedInnocent69 · Answer

Pack him a lunch, send him off to school, and bang the milkman while he’s away.

cavedweller1973 · Answer

Give him ten years and he might actually grow up lol

sirderpsalot123 · Answer

Break up with him

noohair · Answer

Is it time to walk away?

DrPepper12 · Answer

He's not gonna notice your feelings or change.

Jackblue · Answer

break up, you need a man not a boy

Staximus · Answer

The magic is over

BobbieBoy666 · Answer

Leave him.

Crazzyyworld · Answer

All men are mama’s boy. Accept him

lucas10 · Answer

break up would be better for you

MasterKS · Answer

hopefully won't hold his penis for pee! lol

eagle1951 · Answer

time for a new boyfriend damn

dudegreat91 · Answer

Just cheat on him

Anonymous · Answer

Start breast feeding him

Wise4myage · Answer

Seek therapy?

I feel like a mother to my boyfriend. What should I do?

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