Why are people so scared of laying down boundaries in relationships?

[fonduegirl]

[Serkee]

It makes me feel really guilty when I set a boundary or bring up something that's bothering me, even when I know it shouldn't. It makes me feel selfish, like I'm making things about me or like I'm making something a bigger deal than it has to be. It also makes me feel weak or lesser than, because setting a boundary feels like admitting that I can't handle something or fix it myself. And above all that, I'm afraid of losing people. If someone sees me as demanding, why would they want to stay around me? So for me, shutting up and putting up with whatever is bothering me is a lot easier than bringing it up or setting a boundary. I know it's unhealthy and I'm trying to be better about it, but I really am a pushover when it comes to this stuff.

[RubyFrench]

They are afraid to be alone ultimately i think, so they condition themselves to things that deep down they know aren't right (those types of relationships do not strive from my experience (and usually end at some stage).


The other reason would be I think a lot of people are scared of rejection and scared to come across as controlling or crazy. When really they are just setting boundaries early and doing the right thing! Letting the other person know what they will and can condone.


Me personally, I would handsdown much rather someone who sets boundaries early So I know what I'm getting myself into. I'm 12 years married now but I've had previous relationships and not one has worked when I wasn't comfortable Communicating my boundaries. It's actually felt uncomfortable (Like I was keeping a secret)

[CrazyGirl2]

I'm not scared of laying down boundaries in a relationship, I don't know why anybody would be scared to lay down boundaries within a relationship. In fact, nobody should be scared of laying down boundaries. The establishment of boundaries within a relationship is merely an exercise of self-respect. As long as those boundaries are not unreasonable, and do not infringe on the rights of the other person in the relationship.… (for example, laying down a boundary that your partner has to let you have sex with someone else, or they have to have sex with someone you choose once a week, is not setting a boundary, that's just abusive!). But healthy boundaries in a relationship make a healthy relationship.

[CrazyGirl2]

Thank you for the MHO @anon1903

[mobiusforniner]

A lot of these answers address the symptom but not the cause. Why would one feel alone? I discover it’s often because they grew up with parents who didn’t respect limitations. so the child grows up with the idea that they are supposed to do as one tells them and standing for oneself is a form a rebellion or disrespect. Fast forward to adult life, that same child struggles to set limits because they’re afraid of disappointment. They’re afraid of abandonment. They were taught love is a conditional expectation; one is only loved if they obey. And the result is a person unable to say no, and allowing things to happen to them even if it makes them unhappy.

[ohsheeT]

I don't know why people would be scared of that I mean that's just out of respect that somebody would do that just so they're not hurt or the other person doesn't get hurt it just kind of lets the other person know who they are and what they're expected of them in a roundabout way

[Apple1996]

I'm not certain that boundaries are even necessary if two people are on just on the same page about morals and values to begin with

[imtiaz45]

People often fear laying down boundaries in relationships because they worry about conflict, rejection, or being perceived as selfish. Many want to avoid upsetting their partner or causing tension, so they might suppress their needs to keep the peace. There's also a fear of being misunderstood or abandoned if boundaries seem too strict. Additionally, some struggle with self-worth, believing their needs are less important than others. However, boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships, as they foster mutual respect, clear communication, and emotional safety. Learning to assert boundaries can ultimately lead to stronger, more balanced partnerships.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/6D_deRIAuww

[natured]

Because they are scared to be abandoned, or scared that those boundaries are TOO MUCH for the partner... but just this mindset alone is unhealthy, it's good to lay down boundaries from the very beginning, and if they respect them, then good, if not well NEXT...
Don't just settle to settle

[red324]

If I had a dollar for every woman who left because I didn't agree with something. Most women can't have a simple conversation about something like this without it turning it an argument

[Vanny20]

Often, we struggle with laying down our boundaries because we don't want to deal with the emotional consequences of saying no. We also don't want the people we love to feel like they're being rejected or told off. As humans, we're natural peacemakers and people pleasers and sometimes to a fault.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I think it's partially self worth issues and also just knowing how unreasonable people these days are.

But you should carefully set boundaries early on. Learned that lesson the hard way several times. Trying to set them slowly does not work at all. And in my cases it probably caused resentment.

[molonski2]

I think it all depends on timing , and what the boundaries actually are and the length of the relationship , sure , lay down boundaries together if you feel its going somewhere , but obvious boundaries ( or requirements ) you would know straight up , eg ; drinking , smoking , employment , etc etc..

Walking in first up with a list , would be taking things a little too far , some of it , needs to be winged , and learned.

[nolabels]

My first thought is that people can be afraid of losing what they feel is so important to most of us, having another human being in their lives.

I let that fear affect much of my life.

I have many regrets.

I wish that I could sing Frank Sinatra's song "My Way" as being representative of my life.
I can't.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/w019MzRosmk

[BeetleBro2000]

Because boundaries can reveal problems. If you set a boundary, then that boundary can be overstepped, and then you would have to address that and find out the reason behind it. It's a lot of work which could potentially lead to the whole relationship ending, if it's a very unhealthy relationship.

[Peter_Penetrator]

Reason #1: The fear of angering the other person to the point that they leave you.


Reason #2: If you establish boundaries then the other person will most likely do the same and they will then hold you accountable when you cross them.


Reason #3: When the other person sets boundaries; that other person will set boundaries knowing, you yourself, are unwilling to respect them, thereby you abandon your own boundaries, giving the other person free reign to disrespect you.

[ProbablyClueless]

They're don't like confrontation and they're worried about upsetting the other person and causing some unintended side effects.

I get where they're coming from... I was a lot less comfortable setting boundaries earlier in life.

[college-student2021]

Because people fear their partner might leave them. I tell this to anyone reading this to always put boundaries even if the person leaves because a relationship with no boundaries is bound to end either way and one will get used in way not desired.

[petitedollbabee]

Fear of rejection, they’d rather have someone who treats them badly than to be alone because they stood up for themselves.

[PBandJ_Nerd]

Could be many things. But I think sometimes it's because they don't want to make their partner sad, so they refrain from it.

[Radiate143]

Because they are afraid of being alone.

People with boundaries and standards are usually alone.

[Nikki1989]

If you need to start making rules, you probably have the wrong partner.

[fonduegirl]

Usually I agree with you but what the actual fuvk?

[MicahRaine]

• Scared of being judged
• Scared of losing the relationship

[Lynnzee]

No sure why there should be boundaries unless someone likes to maintain some personal space for "me" time.

[StyngRay]

All depends. Like what kind of boundaries? Honesty, not cheating etc. are basic to all relationships. It is a relationship so exploration has to be given breathing room. It not like joining the marines.

[patrick994]

They are afraid of losing their partner or partner's partner and rather than being alone they let themselves be abused.

[LiamJHayden]

Probably an aversion to confrontation and concern about potentially having to start over.

[easymfbrezzy96]

What kind of boundaries are we talking here?

[BetaBucks]

They're afraid of being called abusive or controlling.

[art84]

I would only be scared if my partner found it offended that I was setting rules for the relationship. Like if she had trust issues in the past.

[Twalli]

They fear that too many boundaries will drive their partner away.

[shortster]

Most people don't understand what they want in a relationship.

[nawtee_me]

Boundaries are good for relationships and with them goals should also be set. Relationships need to move forward keeping personal space in mind.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I would be scared if I was in a relationship.

[Justneedtokno]

Now and think I would have to make it to the dating phase 1st

[worldscolide]

No. And no its not toxic for men to set boundaries.

[ohmyguy]

Well to me. laying down laws for some one to follow. Just begs questioning and defyance

[jasco]

I'm not scared so much as I'm just not good at keeping them up. I'm trying to better

[Wiredone]

Not at all. We've had boundaries for years and we've been married 30+ years

[Malwi93]

i dont know about bondaries. the criteria is clear, u either contribute to my come up or not

[Agape93]

They fear change more han they desire it

[hashmi12]

People might not know what their boundaries are or how to communicate them effectively.

[straightmax12]

Some people don't want to seem controlling or demanding.

[Kathryn1993]

Cause their afraid to be rejected.

[jahaims]

They aren't emotionally healthy

[Jamie05rhs]

They don't want to offend the other person.

[MrGSpotHer]

I don't know I'm scared of cows that my line...

[Walksbehindtherows]

This is not true James

[LazerMan]

fear it will ruin relationship if set

[justabuddy]

It can be scary, but it's important.

[luvstoned4him]

I'm not

[Altheavas]

Not at all!

[Kingofkings1992]

Because people are pussies

[Lynx122]

I'm not :)

[dudeinohio]

I have no boundaries

[fonduegirl]

That's weird but all right