Are daddy issues solvable?

Question

Okay so this question is more for women that grew up with an absent father.
A bit of backstory to better explain my question, the kind of dad where you know he loves you but he fucked up so bad when you were young (an ex drug addict) to which point you didn’t even want to see him for the last 9 years, you love him but no longer have any trust and respect towards him.

Now I wonder is it possible for us to find a normal relationship with men, in my case for the last 2-3 years I have been using them in a literal self harm way, totally okay with ons, friends with benefits, can’t for the life of me trust or give in into anything deeper nor do I find any of them worthy of being with. Also get terrified when someone does manage to get close to me.

Will it ever be possible to let your guard down..

I don’t even think my dad realises how much of a mess he made in my life not being in it for a long time. I lie to myself constantly that I dont need a relationship but i for sure know that there is nothing more I would want then for a man to love me and want to be with me.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

I can understand why you feel what you feel but there has to become a moment of clarity where you just say to yourself whatever happens happens and I'm going to deal with it you can't make anybody love you you can't make anybody stay with you forever you can't make anybody not lie to you and that's what you have to acknowledge and you have to accept that the moment you start to get into a relationship you have to think about all those things

The first thing I do when I start to get into a relationship I ask myself if I'm ready and how much do I like this person.
Then I ask myself am I prepared for somewhere down the road it not working out and we go our separate ways

And then I asked myself am I prepared to let this person in and just give her everything I got in my prepared to show this person who I am and how much I love her or like her

And after I answered these questions I say it is what it is I'm going for it I'm going to do my part to make it work I can't make her do her part to make it work but I can do mine.. and that's all we can do..

We have been programmed to be miserable to hate life when somebody breaks up with us we are programmed to be hurt and sad and angry because whatever it is that they did to us let's say they cheated on us you can be angry for a few minutes but then you have to think the person for showing you exactly who they are and you have to look at that and say I don't want to be around you I don't want to be with you if you have no self-control f*** you goodbye
Don't think about all the negatives find the positive if something happens find the positive out of it acknowledge it and move on

I could tell you some stories about my life they would totally blow you away because of my issues but my issues only lasted as long as I wanted them to last and I accepted that hey it hasn't happened it's not going to happen I'm going to make it happen for me I can't wait around for somebody to prove something to me or to teach me something or be there for me I have to do it for myself and I need to get a move on because I'm wasting time life is what you make it you you become a certain age in life and you you don't count on anybody anymore you can't count on anybody anymore because there is nobody anymore you're on your own and you make the best of it

And I can tell you this 5 out of 10 guys are probably just exactly like your dad..
Three out of 10 are exactly like your dad except for the acknowledge their children and they are with their children they are around their children. Or have half custody of their children
And probably two out of 10 fathers live with their children do not acknowledge their children because they're always gone working or doing whatever they're there but they're not there

And the only other thing I can say is instead of looking at everything in a negative way you know what happens you know how it feels you know the lies you know the every emotion there is with it so help people get through that find the positive and you go forward find the positive

Maybe_Maybe_not · Accepted Answer

You are realising a lot of things about yourself! I'm pleased to look at such level of awareness, especially in this age range, so early! :)

Yes, our relation to our parents can shape us without our consent, you got that instinct right, many of us understand that sooner or later. Sooner in your case. But it's not set in stone. It takes awareness and intuition you already have to examine this and reach balance. When your dad loved you and when you know/feel he did, then you already have an edge, a useful element to balance yourself and your relation to people, for romance or even in general.

Your issues are very much solvable, you're already on the path, especially when you have this kick-start that is love from parents. Now, building trust in these circumstances is hard yes, how to accept to be loved, how to accept being close, again, to someone when this person could leave you?
You will have a hard time building trust, it's going to be more difficult than people who had an easier, more normal childhood. Still, with the level of awareness you have, you can use it to understand other people, understand who is trying to be near you, if it is for the right reasons or the wrong ones. If people are genuine or not, it is an evaluation you have to do, to build trust, you need to assess intents of people, and assess that correctly. Examine people like you can examine yourself, examine their relation to you, how it feels subjectively, if they care, if they don't... All of that

Loving and being loved is a risk, always, romance has never been a guarantee for me. It is something I lived, it is a formidable journey but it can end, it is breakable, it hurt me, several times already. But I recovered after the wounds, I found again people to connect to. Everytime I recovered, I always found love knocking at my door. I always found the kick-start to love, again, and again.

I wish you'll find this and I'm certain you can!

And I'm sorry for this walk of text lol

Seinna · Accepted Answer

I don't have daddy issues myself but I know two people who do.. in one case it resolved itself with time, age and a good relationship. In the other it hasn't but that's largely because 1) she didn't have luck with men 2) her bad luck with men was partially a result of her daddy issues so it's a vicious cycle.

There's something to be said for therapy, but you also have to be careful about it - I honestly wouldn't trust majority of psychologists and they are in the business of making you depend on them, not actually helping you stand on your own two feet. I know people (multiples) who have been in therapy for their entire lives. Getting guidance is good, but some things we just have to do ourselves. Especially when it comes to traumas, most of them we have to handle ourselves.

I think I have some good news for you though - you're still extremely young. You know the difference between a person your age and a 15 year old? That's the difference between someone my age and yourself. What I mean is, at your age you are still largely ruled by emotions and feelings that are difficult to understand and conquer. I promise you, you're still developing and healing and by the time you're in your late 20s things will naturally resolve themselves. Our brain has the ability to self heal just like our body. That is why adults with autism have such an easier time than children... because those symptoms become lesser and you learn to live and to find your peace. You might never completely recover from this trauma, but it will be better once you leave this hyper emotional and vulnerable stage of your life.

My last advice for you is to limit contact with men until you can see them as more than ons. The reason for that is, ons are destructive to most people, certainly most women. By doing this, you compile more trauma onto yourself, yet you're not actually getting the benefit of being in a relationship and knowing a man intimately. Until you can do it, you're just going to keep hurting yourself (and potentially those men) and it's definitely not going to help with your daddy issues but it might slow down healing.

smashleyy · Accepted Answer

Yes they are. The fact that you’re even able to acknowledge that you have father wounds and you know that it affects the way you interact with the opposite sex is a huge first step. I myself have been working through daddy/abandonment issues similar to yours but I took the harder route of trying to do it on my own, it’s not something I recommend. I’d probably be a lot further along had I seeked professional help but I’ve held off on it due to my vulnerability issues. Therapy is your best bet, they’ll be able to help you better identify and understand your dysfunctional behaviours and healthy coping mechanisms as well as get the anger and sadness out.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Oh wow, love! ❤️ Dealing with those daddy issues can be quite a ride, right? The pain from those early experiences can definitely leave a mark, but trust me, healing and finding a healthy relationship is totally possible! I understand your struggle with trust and letting your guard down, but your awareness is a huge first step.

With some introspection and professional guidance, you can work through these feelings and reshape your views on relationships. Your desire for a loving connection shows you're already on the path to healing. Just take it one step at a time, beautiful! Finding that connection might just surprise you when you least expect it. 😉

Finchie40 · Answer

I’m sorry to hear about your relationship with your Dad , parents’ definitely can impact us and effect our way of thinking and can effect the way we react to the opposite sex , thinking if my own parent wasn’t there for me , then why would this guy or girl be any different? . So it’s best to understand that person really has nothing to do with your parents’ or your Dad in your case , that person came from a whole different path in life than you did. So let the truth be told , the only person that doesn’t feel worthy of Love , is you , you are the one putting walls up to protect yourself from having your heart broken again , by you not being able to trust and give the same way you want to receive. Is going to stop you from loving and trusting someone , because you have buried trauma that you just buried away as much as possible but sadly it’s going to keep eating You alive unless you are willing to get help for your own personal mental health. Have you considered going to counseling? A lot of our trauma and the way we react to certain things usually stems down to our childhood , so you might be suffering with abandonment issues , since your father wasn’t really a part of your life , for as long as he wasn’t , making you feel abandoned and not loved. I pretty much went through the same thing with my father who was a raging alcoholic that was abusive and selfish to me and my brothers’ and my mom. , I also suffered from another trauma that I buried away as much as possible , that effected me as well when really I didn’t think it did , I actually had a very hard time trusting girls’ because I was molested by an older women when I was a kid and even though I didn’t think it impacted me for a lot of years , apparently it did , without me realizing it did on top of how my father was abusive as well. So I decided to seek counseling to help resolve those buried feelings that I had buried away for years , and by me talking about it and actually having someone listen to me and hearing me , it helped me break through those unwanted feelings that I had buried away , helping me feel more relaxed and at peace with myself and helping me with being able to give the same way I wanted to receive. For a lot of years I was very independent and really didn’t rely on anyone to give to me because I wasn’t really able to give to them , if I met a beautiful girl and she treated me like Gold , I was all about her and making her my top priority basically relying on her to bring me happiness because I didn’t know how to bring happiness for myself , if she didn’t treat me like gold I assumed she was cheating on me or betraying me and lying to me , so I would walk the other way and just assumed she was a whore , I am no therapist or counselor, but it sounds like you experienced similar things that I have experienced as well when it comes to trusting and insecurities , because you were abandoned by your father. So once you learn to accept your past for what is was and no longer allow it to hold you back , you will be able to love the same way you want to be loved. If you would like to talk more feel free to inbox me , I can try to give you advice on what I experienced and how I over came it for the most part. Hope this helps you

Summeroflove · Answer

The answer is that people reach a certain age and choose who they are going to be. Sure nobody is perfect but some people choose to use things as a excuse rather then to improve themselves on the inside. Morally, ethically, with their integrity, and in every other way.

Number one the men you’re dating are not your father… I think women who compare the men they dare to their fathers have some sort of incest problem because I feel sick ever comparing women I’m into to my own mother. That’s just me personally.

But if you’re seeing the error of your way and feeling bad for some of your life choices that means you’re not someone whose been fully just turned over to a reprobate mind. People do stupid things and later realize how fucked up it really is. So don’t shut it down when you feel guilty as hard as it is to face at least you can still feel it. But some people start making excuses for it and doubling down until they eventually feel nothing anymore and their life’s are total wrecks.

DishLady · Answer

Losing trust for a parent is a serious issue that can impact a person in different ways IF THEY ALLOW IT TO.

So... "Daddy issues" are just a figment of your imagination -- and it's your choice to embrace it or discard it bc you don't HAVE to have them, regardless of the circumstances.

Letting the guard down is also a choice. You can come up with whatever excuse you like to justify letting your guard down, but bottom line is that you're choosing to do it.

These choices are not made in isolation. You're not just having that one life experience and not seeing ANY TYPES of good guys ANYWHERE. You're just choosing to focus on the negative guy and using that as your crutch/excuse.

So... choose wisely.

MrOracle · Answer

You've already taken the first major steps: you've acknowledged the truth and the harm that it's causing. Many women in your situation can't even get that far. But, yes, there is still work to be done.

You're going to need some therapy, and I would recommend that you try to find a MALE therapist, as too many female therapists are far too focused on blaming men (we KNOW your dad was to blame, but that's not really going to help anything) and avoid holding women accountable for their own behavior and their own progress. Men tend to be more like a coach: they might be tough on you, and you're going to be uncomfortable, and some days you might hate him, but in the end, you're going to be a different person and you'll be shocked at how much you've improved and how much better you life becomes after doing the work.

Likewise, the women in your life are also likely to pit you against men and encourage your self-destructive behavior, because many of them are in the same situation and misery loves company. You have to learn to avoid that and distance yourself from people who discourage you from making the improvements you want in your life, because most unhappy people love to keep other people unhappy.

If you do the work and work through your issues, I absolutely believe that you can have a healthy relationship with a man. It's going to require that you unlearn a lot of the things you've learned and truly change your thinking, but that's definitely something you can learn to do.

lightbulb27 · Answer

yes, I've seen young girl at least move on from it and get life going, with committed boyfriend. the other parent, family support, and possibly step parents... anything helps provide a better version of healthy so can get out of the "rut". It helps as an adult that you can now see the truth, address the lies you received, and turn the negative energy into positive energy and freedom. That is emotiona lwork you need to do.

you have to put effort into healng yourself... trust, development. everyone has diff trauma and duration and severity.

Find Jesus and seek healing. Get into trauma counseling by reading, studying, healing your inner self. group therapy be wondeful. Replace father with loving God Jesus or similar (I know of no replacement... but each her own).

the path you are on is going to end up with surprise! baby on tehway, with no support and messy cycle repeats.

This is the challenge... that what you received as emotionally damaging now plays back as a broken record. It influences whom you choose... which is why you need to heal deeply, emotionally. Will happen over time, with effort. Cycles repeat in families until resolved.

I hope you have other good support!

Matt_M · Answer

I think that overcoming attachment issues of any kind is always possible. But, before you can "solve" them, you'll likely have to do some serious internal excavation to pinpoint what exactly is causing them; what unconscious messages you're telling yourself about how your experiences with your father have shaped your perceptions of who you are; and how how you project these perceptions onto your relationships with other men.

If you had to describe the emotion that arises in you when you think about your father's absence in your life, how exactly would would you describe it? Is it a fear that other men are going to abandon you the way he did? Is it a feeling that he didn't love you enough to take better care of himself and play a more active role in your life? Something else entirely, perhaps?

As someone who's gone through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I can tell you from experience that its most basic premise is that you can't overcome maladaptive thoughts until you identify what exactly they are. Once you can do that, you'll be better situated to identify more constructive thoughts that you can replace them with.

I wish you the very best in your journey and hope you find a relationship with a man that makes you truly happy!

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

I’ve seen this before. I think the only real answer is to remove the association you make between your dad and other men.

And there's a certain level of being comfortable acknowledging that certain things are out of your control.

Life is full of tests and even though we can hedge out bets, every decision we make is ultimately a gamble.

Accepting human nature and having the self love to discipline yourself to be the person you need to be to attract the man you want, envision who he might be and commit to him will be hard. It will also most likely be incredibly fufilling and save not just yourself but also your kin from the same trouble you went through.

Lynx122 · Answer

There is definitely something you can do with therapy especially when you are self aware like you are but it's still difficult. You got a bad starting situation you can improve from there but it'll still be hard to get to where someone is who has two parents in their life. But you just have to do what you can and make the best of your situation. jut remember when you're ready to open up and be ready for a relationship you could still find the wrong guy it will b a difficult path but in my experience trying to improve your situation is worth it even if it's full of struggles :)

CaptainOverthink · Answer

I wouldn't know, but..
I'd say to disarm the biases against men caused by your father, you need to be around men who you officially declare as friends (and they do too).

But most of all, realize how complex and hard life is for everyone. There are many wrong paths to take and we all, regardless of gender, does wrong from time to time and needs to put in work, pain and embarrasment to get on the right track.
Forgive people, understand them, for your own sake.

It's fairly easy to see, rationally. But applying it intuitionally is a whole other thing. It's retraining the mind.
It's first strict awareness and honesty toward your own thoughts (basically mindfulness), that then becomes a mindset, a habit and then you can trust the feeling again.

bobby_bush_eater · Answer

I think it's still possible. I think to start it May be good to actually forgive your father in your heart for failing and hurting you so you can move on. Accept the history, the pain, all of it, and don't hide it going forward but also don't let it guide your emotions.

Also, you need to identify what it is you want and why you've been moving away from that. Why have a ONS? How do you feel right after, days, weeks after? Your friends with benefits, do you trust them, do they really care for you, or you them?

Think of a fulfilling healthy relationship as a goal, you need to take certain steps along the way to get there (unless Prince charming falls into your life but you can't expect or wait on that).

It's possible a change in your surroundings might help whatever that looks like in your life. Also, it sounds cliche but as Catholic I also have to say the Church will always welcome you and community will always be there should you want guidance in that capacity.

nawtee_me · Answer

As an ex drug addict I can tell you this. It has been over twenty years since I have even thought about using. It caused a divorce loss of trust and love from my kids. My ex remarried and my kids forgave me after I showed them that I was no longer that person. It was a choice they made to trust me again. It is a choice you have to make as well.
what was normal for me when using was to use. Once I got clean that began to change and what became normal for me was to stay clean. Today I don’t even think about it. Maybe your dad has gotten to that point as well? But you will never know until you honesty have a talk with him about it. Listen to him without judging him or getting angry with him and you should be able to tell if he is sincere or struggling with staying clean.
message me if you want to talk about it.

Zack-Bann · Answer

Yeah they are

Admitting you have them is great

The next step is accepting that your life is your own

Saying “he doesn’t understand how much he ruined my life” is comp out and a step in the wrong direction

Only you can ruin your life

If you know better you should do better

jazzy34 · Answer

Oh my. I'm so sorry. Have you considered counseling? That might help. And please believe me when you say "i for sure know that there is nothing more I would want then for a man to love me and want to be with me." I have a different type of daddy issues, but I can absolutely to wanting to be loved and treasured by a man. Hang in there, love. :)

Anonymous · Answer

I have daddy issues and I embrace them!

As far as pushing men away when a connection starts to form... I think it's your mind, body, heart & soul rejecting the rejects.

You are not broken. You're actually one step ahead of everyone else. It's easier to spot toxicity when you've lived in it.

DrPepper12 · Answer

You CAN overcome it but the problem is you need to make your self vulnerable for that to happen and you're very far from that RN.

I suggest a good trauma therapist and show yourself some grace & patience too!! Took time to dig in, gonna take tim and

Straight2thepoint · Answer

Break the cycle. End the self righteous mentally. Start talking to him. We are not perfect. We are all f ups. We are all children till we die. We only have one of each other. We aren't replaceable. To be mature is to learn how to change. Of you were my baby girl and I was him I'd like help to and wish to have my baby girl back. But sometimes we unknowingly choose to do the opposite, thinking that's the right thing.

chris_987 · Answer

Daddy issues aren't a thing, women can be hoes with or without a father. So I don't believe it's a thing. I used to blame women that treated me bad for not having a father. Until i ran into girls who had fathers and still didn't respect men. So there is no correlation

Smashingdoozy · Answer

Solvable isn't the right word. They can definitely be worked through. It will take therapy and a lot of effort to stop that association and start developing healthy relationships with men.

Anonymous · Answer

Sort of. But she has to WANT to solve them. She has actively work AGAINST her natural inclinations. She might always have a default setting. But just think of it like rehab. You're an addict, you'll always be addict. But that doesn't mean you can work against those demons every day.

Sorry this happened to you. I wish the best for you.🙂👍

Squishyfeet · Answer

Almost everything is fixable if you’re willing to put in the work. Could mean years of hard therapy, but it’s fixable.

ManInChains · Answer

I’d imagine it’s equally as solvable as fixing an incel

Nikki1989 · Answer

Well, it is not a recognized psychological diagnosis.

noohair · Answer

I think your issues are fixable with the right help. But I also believe that I am better as a partner if I am a whole person that does not need a partner to be whole.

Anonymous · Answer

No. I'm only sexually attracted to older men my father's age and I've a thing about being spanked hard until I cry.

Danny_dan92 · Answer

Yep. Typically these women are fixed when they have kids and get married

DtMe89 · Answer

You can try and keep it under control, but, no, ultimately it's not

Crazzyyworld · Answer

Think about p daddy from jungle raping girl in wilderness. You would let anything go.

beefcakebradybatson · Answer

Yes, after therapy and recognizing the issues.

RedInnocent69 · Answer

Not really. You need to sleep with older men 😂

cavedweller1973 · Answer

I don’t think you get over them but you can get ast them

vicphilips · Answer

Aimee Lou Wood 😍😍😍 The woman I find the most attractive 🥵🥵🥵😋😋

Lisaasker · Answer

Yes and a lot of people deal with this. 🙂

Open-minded99 · Answer

Embrace them. Be the center of attention.

Wise4myage · Answer

Yes, I think therapy could help you.

CVNT5 · Answer

ill be your daddy 🤤💦💕

Toxic_Skyler · Answer

Very unlikely

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