Unplanned pregnancy as a mom: How do I teach my teen daughters about birth control without seeming like a hypocrite?

[Anonymous]

I’m a mom of two teenage girls (17 and 15), and I just found out I’m pregnant—unplanned. Looking back, I understand what happened. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, forgot to take my birth control pills for a few days, and then got caught up in the passion with my boyfriend, even though I knew better. Now I’m pregnant. While this wasn’t planned, I’m actually happy about it. I’ve always wanted more kids, and my boyfriend and I had already planned to marry and start a family together. So while the timing wasn’t what we expected (we didn't want to get pregnant until after we were engaged), it still works for us.

That said, I feel incredibly guilty and like a hypocrite. I’ve always told my daughters that if they’re going to be intimate, they need to be responsible with birth control to avoid an unplanned pregnancy. But I didn’t follow my own advice. I neglected to take my pills, got caught up in the moment, and didn’t use condoms, knowing the pill wasn’t working properly. Now I’m pregnant, and I’m worried that my actions will make them take everything I’ve said about preventing unplanned pregnancies much less seriously. I feel like I’ve failed to lead by example, and I’m afraid they might think it’s okay to be careless with their own choices. Even though I’m happy about the pregnancy, I don’t want them to believe that an unplanned pregnancy can just “work out” like mine has.

I’m really nervous about telling my daughters. I don’t know how to bring this up without completely undermining everything I’ve taught them about responsibility and birth control. I want to be honest with them, but I’m terrified my actions will make them think it’s okay to ignore precautions. How can I still instill the importance of preventing unplanned pregnancies when I didn’t follow my own advice? I don’t want them to lose trust in me or think that the rules don’t apply when emotions take over. What should I do?

[smashleyy]

Actions will always speak louder than words, especially when it comes to raising kids. You always hear the phrase “kids soak up everything” and that doesn’t stop at infancy, they are subconsciously learning acceptable behaviours through your actions even in their teenage years. If you’re going to have a talk with them about it I think it’s important to be raw about the subject like you are doing so in this post. model accountability back to them by acknowledging your fuck ups in this situation. And even if it’s a happy mistake to you maybe it’s best to leave that part out😹

[Asker]

How exactly do you think I should go about telling my girls that? Just say "Well, I got pregnant, and I wasn't planning on it. It was a huge mistake. Don't be like me or follow my example."

As much as I hate to admit it , I don't know how effective that'll be (especially since I actually am pretty happy about the pregnancy. Even if I deny that, they very well may still be able to tell)

[Nikki1989]

No, and it baffles me how unplanned pregnancies even happen. I have never been pregnant, and I have always refused to be with men that are using a condom. I have always just protected myself. Not hard.

[Asker]

Well, I kind of already explained how it happened with me. I was in a super stressful life situation, and I slipped in taking my birth control pills. I got caught up in the passion of the moment with my boyfriend a couple of times. And that's how I got pregnant

I'm not saying it was the best decision. However, that's how it happened

[Ariesman81]

Well... whether you like it or not you've taught them already.

1. Birth control isn't effective. But take it anyway.

2. You didn't want more kids because you were on birth control, but it's ok now because you're pregnant. Aka... how to Cope.

3. Premarital sex is fine... as long as he's talking about commitment.

4. How to delude themselves

5. How to take accountability and maintain moral superiority.

Yeah... your best bet is to simply tell them to learn from your mistakes. They will anyway. You lost any authority on this matter when you fucked up.

[Anonymous]

Are your daughters at least on birth control? If not, you may want to get that started!

[Asker]

Yes. I've made sure that my daughters have access to birth control if/when they need it, and I've emphasized the importance of using it.

However, my fear is that they won't take it as seriously since I haven't been a good example in that regard.

[Opinion Owner]

Walk me through your logic there. You got knocked up. Why do you think they'll not take it seriously? Do you think they'll think, "hey--getting knocked up seems like a SWELL idea?"

[Asker]

Well, for me in this situation it is actually pretty swell. I'm actually pretty happy about getting pregnant (despite it being unplanned)

I just don't want that to translate over to them and have them think that means them having unplanned pregnancies would be good too.

[Opinion Owner]

Do you think they believe that?

[PeachyPie93]

Just don't tell them it wasn't planned.. other than that tell them to always use Plan B if they ever fuck up and have a "moment" and don't use a condom.

[Asker]

That honestly might work. We were planning on getting engaged soon anyways. I could just tell them that we started a little early.

It's a bit dishonest, but it may help keep them on the right path

[Anonymous]

Ok your way super old to be having a baby the only humans who should be having babies are people born in 1992,1993 and 1994. Your weren't born in the 90's and your not 30's your way way super old.

[Asker]

Well, I still got pregnant. Sorry if I'm not in what you consider the acceptable age range, but the baby is still going to be coming out of me

[Opinion Owner]

Are you going to keep it?

[Asker]

Of course

[LazerBean]

You can't. You can only tell them that their life will be better if they act better than you, and apologize for not being better yourself.

[Asker]

How can I do that while minimizing the damage that my choice could potentially have on them?

Also, if this ends up being a positive thing for me, how do I still make it clear that unplanned pregnancies are still something they need to avoid at all costs?

[LazerBean]

Maybe make them watch a video of someone giving birth, and then show them the statistics on how disadvantaged in life children from broken homes are.

[Asker]

Well, I don't want them to never want to have kids. I just want them to wait until they're in a stable relationship and situation

So I suppose in that sense I did follow my own advice. I just didn't when it came to the 'making sure your pregnancies are planned' part

[Anonymous]

Don't worry, witha teen mom they won't need any explicit teaching.

[In_Trance]

I think it's best to shut the hell up for now

[Asker]

What do I tell them when my belly gets huge? What do I tell them when the baby pops out?

I may as well tell them soon. They'll find out eventually. I just need to figure out the right way to go about it (as to make sure my example doesn't negatively affect them)