Am I selfish for not wanting to get married?

[Anonymous]

My partner and I (26 & 27) have been together for 6 years. And we have been long distance too.

He’s absolutely the perfect partner and he's always so patient and supportive. I truly do love him. And he's desperate for us to get married this year so we can close the distance. And I did too, until now.

I do want to marry him. Just not this summer. I’ve had a lot of mental and emotional challenges last year, and I truly feel lost within myself. It’s been incredibly difficult and I’ve had to put myself in therapy. Its been a journey. I do not feel mentally and emotionally ready for marriage and children anytime soon. Being his wife and a mother is something I dream about. But I always thought i’d be in a better place to be both. I feel selfish for feeling like this. he's always, always held me up, even from afar, and I feel horrible that I can’t give this to him now. I don’t know how I’m even suppose to tell him this…the thought prolonging our distance and marriage makes me physically sick, because I know it will hurt him.

[fartingspinster]

You dont feel like you are there yet because you are emotionally exhausted with your own things. When you go through emotional and mental hardships... you turn into survival mode. And that shuts down your ability to thrive in a romantic relationship, because romance is for the secure individual.

But marriage is not just about romance and happy feelings. Its also about these difficult times, and being there for someone at their lowest. I know you want to be in a better place for marriage so you can enjoy the happy celebration of starting your life together.

And I commend your courage to go through therapy and start your healing journey. That's not easy, and you are right- you do have to go at it alone. As in, you really have to put in the work yourself. But that doesn't mean he can't be there to support you and be the partner you know he wants to be for you and that you know he can be for you. Often times, mental health issues make us feel isolated, ashamed and alone. So we shut ourselves in and stay away from others because we don't feel our best selves and that makes us feel subpar and 'best to stay away from people'

But the only way to have a healthy healing journey, is keeping that door open to loved ones and feeling their love. It reminds us we are worthy of love and deserving of it. Sometimes we can be harsh on ourselves during the healing journey.

Its okay to not have the feeling for romance and happy things right now. Either get engaged so you know you are committed and dont plan the wedding until you feel the therapy is getting you on the right track and feel better/uplifted. But to only get married when you are "done" therapy or the healing journey is not ideal, because that work is never truly done.

Or, get married through papers. Move to his place so you can enjoy getting to live together and be together, and only get married when you feel mentally better and can enjoy the happy celebrations and start the marriage on the footing you want. There really is a difference between government marriage and the marriage between two spouses.

Some couples have never been institutionally married, but theg act like a married couple and have the same commitment.
Yours is a different situation, seems like you need the legal marriage for the visa and continue acting like a couple, then you can have the spousal marriage with the rings and the wedding etc later. The timeline is yours!

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I'll just say this: Marriage will not make anything better, based on what you have shared.

Honestly, I suspect you are hesitating for reasons you may not have consciously identified yet. Six years is a long time to have been exclusive to still not be ready to get married. When you love someone, you want to marry them, no matter what, no matter when. You can't be together soon enough. This doesn't sound like that. It sounds more like you are trying to talk yourself into it and telling yourself you want this, when the reality is that you don't seem to, which is fine.

You keep saying "he's a great guy". I'm sure he is. That doesn't mean you have to marry him. Maybe the most loving thing you can do is release him, even if it destroys both of you for a while. I am not convinced you love him quite as much as you want yourself to, which is fine. But you do need to be honest with yourself. Do you really want to be with this guy forever? Do you feel free with him? Do you feel utterly at home and safe with him? Have you witnessed his response to disappointment and failure yet? No need to answer that here, but really think about those things. Marriage is a lot longer and closer than 6 years of long distance.

You've also been together either from late teens or early twenties. You haven't met anyone else, you have barely been an adult for half your relationship, depending on your age. You have never known yourself alone, and that is really important.

I'm not saying just break up. But I am saying you may need to be willing to allow a break up if he won't accommodate your need to recover and heal from whatever you are processing. He may not be willing to wait, which is fine, albeit hard.

Just some things to think about.

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. There is nothing selfish about this. Not at all.

You're not saying you met somebody new, you're saying you've got a hell of a lot going on.

I'm not going to lie to you and say he won't be disappointed if he's already looking forward to when you two will get married. But he will understand. I think deep down you know that already. He loves you. So far he's held you down, right? So yes, he will be hurt and disappointed, but more than anything he's going to be worried about you.

Does he know you have been going through as much as you have lately? Has he been there for the ups and downs of the mental and emotional "journey?" If he has, then this won't come as a complete surprise. It sounds like you've had a rough time of it the last while. He will know where you're coming from. He'll still love you, and still want to marry you, just not this summer.

You sound like a super sweet girl. I can feel the panicked worry dripping off my screen. But the other thing that comes through is that you love your boyfriend. A lot. You don't seem to be wavering in any way in your relationship or wanting to marry him. The news you're delivering is not bad news compared to that sort of "oh shit, I can't get married this summer" possibilities. It's really not. You've still got each other. And you'll still get married.

It's not going to be an easy conversation, but... this guy has been there growing this relationship for 6 years. You clearly still love him... he's not going to let you go because he has to wait a little longer to close the distance.

You love each other. He will still love you just as much. It's not going to be as bad as you think it'll be.

But the sooner you do it the better.

Just be open and honest. You can do this.

🙂

[Asker]

Well yes I have told him. But he unfortunately doesn’t understand. I was feeling a bit bad the other day and opened up to him, and he said he thought it was dumb. He apologised but I just stopped the conversation there.

[SteveSmith1985]

WHAT?

Holy shit. It's so strange to watch a situation that looked a certain way in my head... can suddenly change completely with just a little more information.

Originally, you just seemed like a really sweet girl who was very much in Love (I definitely assumed he was a good guy who Loved you the same way. I assumed wrong).

I'm wondering just how wrong I got this guy originally?

How can he not understand? What does he expect you to do? Marry him eventhough it'll give you a freaking panic attack? Does he want you to just stop complaining and marry him already? What the fuck. Honestly. I didn't think there was a chance he wouldn't understand. He should have understood.

You opened up to him... and he said it was dumb?

That made my jaw drop. How could that possibly be his reaction?

Is this behavior in-character for him?

I don't mean to step over any lines here, but...

No boyfriend should treat his girlfriend this way. Especially not his soon to be wife!

I'm appalled by this to be honest. Are... you sure you want to spend your life with this man?

[Asker]

Please don’t get this wrong. He really is a good man, and he's always supportive and picking me up. But he’s a bit old school when it comes to wellbeing, and well he just doesn’t understand what I’m going through. Yes he was wrong to say how i felt was dumb, and he knew that. That was a bad moment, but he really is a great man.

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok, I'll take your word for it. But I am blown away that he wasn't more understanding. You clearly felt extreme stress and anxiety about this, and eventhough it obviously has a huge impact on him... it didn't seem to me like he was taking into account... that you were only doing this (postponing) because you felt very strongly that it was too soon considering all you've got going on.

I didn't mean to talk shit about your man. I just wish he had handled it better. You deserved for him to have handled it better.

Have you two spoken again yet?

Is everything going to be ok?

[Asker]

We’ve spoken. Not much about it though. I kind of completely shut down on him after. I didn't really feel comfortable at that moment to tell him how I had felt. He asked me maybe I should let go of Therapy, if I still feel like I’m struggling. But therapy is my safe space, the place I can open up without someone telling me how I feel is dumb. I’m hoping to bring it up again either tomorrow or this weekend. Because things are really starting to affect me, and it feels difficult to breathe.

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok, why in the world would he suggest you let go of therapy?

Definitely don't let go of therapy. Especially if you're finding it helpful, or even just a place you feel safe.

I don't blame you for not feeling comfortable at the moment.

Bring it up whenever. You did tell him. He can't be surprised even if you don't feel like it tomorrow or this weekend. Do it whenever is better for you. He knows. SO if waiting longer is better for you, then I see no problem with waiting.

I get the very clear sense that things are affecting you in a big way. Even from the sliver I can glean from the bits you've written here.

I'm a little worried about you to be honest. Continue in therapy (for sure), and try to take deep breaths and relax as much as you can (if you can).. You'll get everything figured out. I don't have any doubt about that.

[Asker]

Thank you so much!! I don’t open up to many people, even doing so anonymously is scary. But your words and understanding meant a lot to me.

[SteveSmith1985]

I am really really touched! I am so glad you felt able to open up to me. You can write me whenever under the replies here. You're also welcome to DM me anytime, although you would no longer be anonymous at this point.

I'm happy to meet good people. You seem like a kind person with a good heart.

[Summeroflove]

You’re going to have to be completely honest with how he feels and not future fake. If you’re not ready you’re going to need to have a serious talk that you’re not ready and why you’re not ready. You’re going to have to discuss this with him and if he listens as well as you listen to him that’s what you’re going to have to do to get through this.

You are going to have to talk and be completely honest. What’s meant to be will be meant to be either you will both work through this or you won’t. But not having serious conversations can lead this into disaster.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, love and all its complexities, right? 🎭 It's totally okay to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being, even if it feels like you're hitting the brakes on your relationship timeline. Communication is your magical spell here! Share your feelings openly and let him know it's about ensuring you're the best partner—and eventually wife—you can be. Love isn't just about closing distances or rushing down the aisle; it's about supporting each other through thick, thin, and everything in between. It’s not selfish; it’s self-care! 💞

[HawkPerception]

It's not selfish. Just like I'd never get married where I am currently in life, it's fine for a girl not to feel ready either. Just communicate that to him. It's not that you don't love him. You can see your whole life with him. You just need time to find your way in life. And I think it's better if you guys actually live together for a while before making your vows anyways.

[Finchie40]

Just be open and honest with him about what you are going through and reassure him that he isn’t the reason , tell him you are going through a lot mentally and you don’t want to get married until you are mentally ready , tell him you love him with all
Your heart and that you want to be happy
And content on your wedding day with him. If he loves and cares about you like he says he does, then he will stand by your side until you are ready

[IslaTheWitch]

the therapy wasn't successful if ypu feel terrible telling your perfect partner how you feel...

there is no relationship without communication

there is also no relationship if you start it pretending to be someone else

before starting any relationship make a peace with your past and accept yourself, as you are

[Asker]

Thank you. I struggle with accepting myself, because I do have to pretend to be something I’m not. Not due to my relationship, but my family and culture, I always wear a mask, which I can take off around him. But I have an opportunity to go abroad for a job, which I want to take, as I see it as the chance to really, get to know myself more without the pressure and facade that has been kept up for the sake of keeping peace. It sounds so stupid but its so important to me. I just wanted to focus on that a bit more, so I could eventually be the best wife I could be..

[Anonymous]

Break down the problem.
Get engaged to show commitment.
Or do the marriage admin and legal base, then keep your relationship long distance and the same for now.
Either way, you are showing him commitment while keeping things the same while you work on things.
The alternative is that he may thing he's on a fool's errands and look elsewhere.

[fartingspinster]

Great advice

[Asker]

Thank you

[TheSpaceGnome]

You are going to have emotional and cognitive ups and downs your whole life. You can't put off a relationship/marriage over that. Marriage is about being there for your spouse in even the worst of times, through any problem that may occur.

[jazzyk777]

no your not being selfish you are wanting to focus on yourself and he should support you through that and be by your side. he shouldn't be rushing marriage just tell him that u need to focus on somethings within ur self before marriage. if he truly loves you he will understand and he will wait for you. but if he keeps rushing that right there is ur red flag

[Anonymous]

No. You are selfish if you STAND IN HIS WAY of getting married though. You need to level with him. You said "I want to get married just not this summer" the question is di you in your heart of hearts think you'll push it back again? Because if you love him you need to tell him so.

Because the future might be him getting married to someone else. Because if you truly care about him you don't want to deny him that.

[trumpetplayerforlife]

No marriage isn't for everyone doesn't mean you don't love that person I've meet a lot if people who have been together for years and feel no need to be married

[NicholasRedone]

Broadly speaking I'm selfish i must be yes :( so I do give to charity, I do errands, I try to be a good enough human as a human note can be. At least 😳

[Nikki1989]

Some people are not marriage worthy type people, and they are the types that wind up in terrible relationships.

[slatyb]

No , you are not. If your partner can't accept this, he should find someone else.

[Asker]

But I feel like I led him on. This whole time we spoke about wanting to marry each other. And now I don’t feel like I’m there yet.

[David_beckham]

Marriage is a big thing; in some cultures, it's the biggest thing, so not being sure to get married even after so many years is completely fine. Marriage is fun when you and your partner are sure about it.

[EmmaMary]

It's entirely your prerogative what you choose to do.

[Abbycado]

No, that is not selfish. You need to be in the right mindset for such a commitment.

[LiamJHayden]

Marriage is a contract between three parties: each of the spouses and the state. The state can change the terms and conditions at any time. Selfish? I call it wise.

[WhitneySnow]

You’re not selfish. Just explain it to him and I’m sure he’ll understand.

[blackeagle007]

This is tough. You both need to communicate this a lot. I feel many relationships get doomed due communication lacking. What is best for both of you? Only you both decide

[retarb]

A little, this marriage has been 6 years in the making, however you both should be comfortable when it happens, propose winter, white weddings are cool.

[GAGsucksballs89170]

It's not selfish, however, if you're not wanting to get married, why are you with someone?

[Asker]

No no I do want to get married to him. Just not this summer as there is a lot going on for me - outside of my mental health, I am also moving this summer for a job.

[GAGsucksballs89170]

excuses

[Asker]

if I didn’t want to marry him, i’d let him go already. I do want to marry him, I just want to be in a more stable place to do so? How is that an excuse?

[GAGsucksballs89170]

excuses!

[chocolatetwopointo]

why should a woman be forced to marry somebody?

[GAGsucksballs89170]

@chocolatetwopointo She shouldn'nt be, BUT, if she wants to, and is throwing up excuses on why she won't, then, that's what it is, EXCUSES

[chocolatetwopointo]

she says she's not stable enough, that could mean not financially stable enough. the wedding will be cheap and boring. even thought of that? retard. not every woman wants to get married

[GAGsucksballs89170]

@chocolatetwopointo then maybe she doesn't want to marry, him

like i said, excuses!

[chocolatetwopointo]

what? she wants a good wedding thats not cheap and gets them in dept, what the fuck is wrong with u, u sexist fuck?

[GAGsucksballs89170]

@chocolatetwopointo good marriages, don't need expensive weddings. if she want's a show, go on tv

[chocolatetwopointo]

its special obvi she wants it to be good and do yk how expensive they can be? family wants to be there, friends, a venue costs, so does food. its not cheap shit.

[Staximus]

How many days have you spent with this guy in real life, in person?

[beefcakebradybatson]

Not everyone wants to be a wife or husband. I've never married.

[Sandy1979]

No, I’ve been there once. Divorce is more expensive.

[Despina6]

No, you're not. It's ok, not want to get married.

[PaleDale]

No, plenty of people choose not to.

[Asker]

But I’ve always told him I wanted to marry him. And Now I would be asking him to wait, when thats all he wants…

[PaleDale]

If you don't want it, it won't be a happy marriage for the both of you

[Chargirllll]

No I don't want to either

[Anonymous]

No, why would you be selfish?

[shortster]

Definitely

[In_Trance]

No not at all

[chocolatetwopointo]

just tell him.

[Anonymous]

Yes you are

[Kingofkings1992]

Nope.