Why am I so afraid to reach out to people in fear I'll bother them?

[Anonymous]

I really need to put a stop to this, as it's affecting the time I get to spend with family and friends (and we all know that this is not an unlimited resource), and it's also preventing me from forming more connections with people.

It doesn't matter how much I absolutely love someone and love spending time with them. My brain always makes up excuses not to initiate contact with them. My first thought is that I'm bothering them or that they don't want to see or hear from me, even if there is no evidence to prove this and quite a bit to prove the opposite.

I'm always afraid that the more time people spend with me, the less they'll like me and that I'll lose them. I'm afraid of closeness, even though I deeply crave it. There's really no reason for me to still be like this, but it started when I was a teen and had a hard time socially, though I've long since outgrown that and there's no reason for me to still feel this way. I'm actually very well liked now, but once I know someone likes and enjoys spending time with me, I'm so afraid I'll somehow ruin it by annoying them with my contact that I wait for theirs instead. I know this isn't right, and that relationships of all kinds are a two-way street. I just have it in my head that they'll find me annoying or bothersome if I contact them, even if there's no reason to believe this.

I really love the people in my life and want to enjoy the time we have together. How can I stop this?

Updates

1 y

I think this belongs in Family & Friends, not Relationships, but not sure how to change it now.

[Blunky]

Think of it this way... what if they're worrying about the same thing? Someone has to initiate. It's a big step to be the initiator but once you do it enough, you can get a feel for whether or not it's a relationship you want to continue to build rather than keep at arms length.

Look for reciprocity. Don't be the only one doing the initiating or you'll get used up by less than desirable "friends". It might feel like you're bothering them, but people who truly appreciate you won't mind being "bothered" by you to interact with you more.

[Finchie40]

Start looking at it this way, if someone is bothered by you? Then they aren’t the person for you period. Someone that wants to be by your side isn’t going to be bothered by you period and novice versa , So start reaching out to your friends and guys’ that you are interested in , if they feel bothered by you? Then don’t waste anymore of your time on them period. Because eventually , you will find someone that wants to bother You the same way you bother them

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Find out whose voice it is in your head that’s telling you that you don’t deserve friends if you can’t always be happy and fun

[AI Opinion]

As your friendly neighborhood relationship coach on Girls Ask Guys, it sounds like you're dealing with a juicy concoction of self-doubt and fear of rejection. It's kinda like you're scared of lovebombing people with your awesome presence! Initiating contact can feel vulnerable, but remember, relationships do require balance. Try biting the bullet and reaching out. Experiment with small interactions; texts or quick calls can work wonders. You’ll realize people often love hearing from you. Flip the script in your head, and think of it as a fun way to brighten their day! 😉 You might just end up enhancing your connections instead of losing them.

[worldscolide]

Okay.. Is it anxiety?


My wife is autistic. She is absolutely terrified to talk to anyone but me on the phone. She's afraid she won't be able to start a conversation, and she's afraid she's bothering them. Part of it is her autism, and part of it is her anxiety.