Your date invites you over to their place and it's a mess - do you judge?

Question

I do my best to not judge, although I am something of a neat freak. We come back from a restaurant-and-concert date, she invites me to her place (usually I prefer to invite others to mine), fine. Her apartment was kind of messy and although I did my best to be comfortable and not judgmental, I got a bit anxious especially because I was wearing a new suit and she made me sit on her couch while almost tripping on a box of empty wine bottles.

She did say to excuse the mess and I did get a bit more comfortable and managed to keep my anxiety in check.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

"Excuse the mess," is weak. If you invite someone to your place, you should make SOME effort to make it presentable. And there were wine bottles around? I'm gonna judge.

If there are wine bottles in the living room where you're sitting on the couch, I would guess this indicates she drinks AND doesn't clean up behind herself after she finishes. This might be linked to the mess in her apartment and the fact that she doesn't care enough to keep her place clean, in general, or to clean it up, IN PARTICULAR, for a new guest/date that's visiting for a first time.

We're not talking about dishes in the sink or a little dust on the furniture.

If she was cavalier about "the mess," it means this is how she keeps house all the time and she couldn't be bothered to clean up or make a good impression.

Something doesn't seem right. Tread carefully.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I am not a neat and tidy person. My desk currently looks like every drawer in the house exploded on top of it, but there is one thing you will never know if I invite you over and that is what it actually looks like, because I will at the very least shove everything into a box before you come and tuck it in a locked closet. Filth is not cute. If its you staring at it, fine, but YOU SHOULD be embarrassed for others to see it should they come over and attempt to clean or hide it. I've only ever been to one guys house in my life that was a wreck, and I did feel like he didn't give a damn and that he truly was like, I can't change, I'm a slob, and that didn't make me want to go on a second date. Like at all.

Gym-Bro · Accepted Answer

First off, let me say, judging a date's place is like judging a BBW's stretch marks—it's part of the package, bro. You gotta respect the chaos, you know? It's like walking into a gym after a heavy leg day—sweat, weights everywhere, and the smell of iron and testosterone. It's fucking beautiful.

But hey, if you're the type of bro who needs everything to be neat and tidy, like a fucking museum, then maybe you should stick to dating those boring-ass fitness influencers who only eat kale and post perfect selfies. Real people have real lives, bro, and sometimes that means a little mess.

So just roll with it. Maybe you'll find some hidden gems in the mess, like a stash of protein bars or a secret gym in the basement. Who knows? Maybe you'll squeeze in some bicep curls into your date.

snowboarder720 · Accepted Answer

It really depends on their living situation for me to actually judge….

What I mean by that is when I was dating my wife her place was a HUGE mess. Sink was always full, there was random piles of nonsense, clutter everywhere, etc. it was when I knew she had two jobs while holding down a 4.0 gpa during the last month or two in grad school that let me understand that her hands are understandably full. After she graduated, got a job she actually cared about, and moved into a bigger place all of that totally changed.

I say all this to say don’t judge someone’s living situation. It’s like judging a book by its cover.

DishLady · Answer

I don't judge, but I also don't stay...

Guys tend to be slobs and I don't have the ability to sit and just look at the mess. I'd probably start tidying up while we're talking, which would then kill any inclination to do anything intimate or cute with him... A guy who wants a gal over should think a little and make sure the place is at least tidy enough to pass basic muster.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

I don't judge like deciding that she is a "bad" person, but I do decide whether her clutter is a deal breaker for me. I am not obsessively neat but too much clutter and disorganization makes me feel uncomfortable.

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

Absolutely. I’m a tidy person. I could never live with a slob.

princeofromance · Answer

No, I do not judge. However, I might casually say something if the opportunity presents itself to do so.

HarveyLaw · Answer

There are two kinds of people here in this situation: those who judge and those who pretend they don't. Of course it will give an impression and also speak about the other person's personality and habits - what it means is up to interpretation but it speaks. This is not an issue in itself though. Creative people are commonly not known by their well organized personal spaces, for example. It is up to your feelings: if you feel uneasy and have openess to talk about it, do it. Better know beforehand if you match about these too than have this as ammo for future debates.

lilBigPotato · Answer

If he knows that I'm coming and put 0 effort into tidying up at least a tiny bit then yes I might judge. Especially if it's dirty, not just messy. If we spontaneously decide to go to his place and maybe he even warns me it's not in great shape then not as much of a big deal

sage2021 · Answer

When my boyfriend who has ADHD lived with me, he was messy like that. It was part of his ADHD.
He used to tell me that he couldn't decide what to do first - like he didn't know where to start cleaning.
I would point to something and say "start there" and then he'd be the best cleaner! Better than me even and I am very clean.

molonski2 · Answer

100 % I judge , it says a great deal about the individual " clean , messy " as in just hang some things up , that's okey , " dirty , messy " complete other story.
Spotless clean? hmm , I'm a little nervous but love it. We all judge IMHO either positive or negative.

OneViewpoint · Answer

Yes I do. I'm a neat freak and a minimalist. I have been shocked at the way a LOT of single women age 25 - 55 live. They are SLOBS! Clutter everywhere. The bedroom floor covered in clothes. Dirty? Clean? Been there for weeks? Who knows. Coffee table covered in junk. Kitchen sink piled high with dishes, pots, and pans. You just know the place hasn't been vacuumed in forever. Starts me thinking about personal hygiene.

Uh... thanks, bye, gotta go, I'll call you.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

I would be lying if I say no I am not judging.
I am not OCD, but I like my place a little more organized… or in an “organize mess”.

i don’t like to clean but I get cleaning people to do the job so it’s not dirty.

as for dates. I would definitely make the effort to clean up and organize a little especially for a first impression.

exitseven · Answer

My ex girlfriend was a total slob She used t just pile her laundry onto the bed and just pick though the pile when she wanted to change her clothes. She had a puppy and never picked up after him. You had to be careful where you stepped.

It did not bother me much at the time but lookin back I am a little grossed out.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Depends on the kind of mess it is.. is it just stuff all over or is it actually dirty, garbage around, dirty walls, floors, etc. If it is just messy I don't really care but if its dirty that's gross and I would leave.

LazerBean · Answer

If it's just a little clutter then I don't mind. But dirty or trashy? Absolutely no. If they can't even throw their trash away then that's kind of crazy.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

Well, to have me anxious about "a mess" in such a context, it should look like a squat, which never happened to me. It's statistically unlikely to be honest lol

Shiprex · Answer

I would probably clean up lol as a help to them and to hopefully let them see the things we could do while making the place nicer together would be erotic af

Random_g · Answer

If it was unplanned invitation I don't judge, but if it was planned and they invited me directly to thier house.. I will judge

Blueeyes81 · Answer

Clutter and a mess are two different things. Clutter I can deal with. Food left out, shower/toliey/sink that have not been cleaned in years, pet piss/shit lying about, sick overflowing with dirty dishes, I can not deal with.

ItsJill · Answer

I can’t judge because my place is always a mess too

Yoursweetgirl · Answer

If it's just a mess I don't judge and don't care but if it's dirty around, I'll leave and let them know their house is dirty af too haha

Anonymous · Answer

The home reflects the mind. Basic cleaning. Making bed. Chaos of stuff built up everywhere. All red flags.

red-lipstick-girl · Answer

So you're married and you're cheating on your wife?

Blackcat1952 · Answer

Yeah that happened to me A few times. Once or twice with me When someone visited me. And i've been over to people's houses . Where It was a bit Messy. But no I don't judge

NicholasRedone · Answer

Yeah I'd judge.  I'm a clean neat freak 🫧 🪥

AndrésC64 · Answer

It depends on the level of mess. The one in the picture I could never stand. A few dishes and cluttered I can deal with.

Professor-college · Answer

Well I'm sorry but unless this person gives me a good reason why it's so filthy I would definitely judge... Because unless you have a lot of work to do there's no reason to have a pigsty

Anonymous · Answer

How much of a mess? I'm disorganized, but it's not unsanitary.

AngryCarl2 · Answer

I wouldn't judge them, but I may reconsider our relationship. lol

Stella1 · Answer

Most likely judge cause I try keep my place cluttered free I clean daily and do a room.

blackeagle007 · Answer

Depends on the mess. I’m not perfect, why would I expect the same?

Pohjolan · Answer

Depends. I might just go "I was much worse at her age.".

truecrimelover1999 · Answer

I think I would judge tbh, only because I can’t be living somewhere that’s really messy it drives me mad and would just lead to arguments

robocop666 · Answer

Me and my best friends bedrooms are total dumps looks like a war zone. Maybe we should clean them.

Agape93 · Answer

Yeah but not harshly.

cleo21360 · Answer

I actually did judge, it was so messy and cringe. I had to close my eyes.

TrueConfection · Answer

💯! Buh bye!

trumpetplayerforlife · Answer

Depending how bad it is

melnc · Answer

I won't judge but I refuse to bite my tongue 🤷

DrPepper12 · Answer

Yes. Cluttered space is a cluttered mind

WonderingManII · Answer

I was a janitor, I would judge.

Ariesman81 · Answer

So many 🚩🚩🚩

chocolatetwopointo · Answer

yeah thats disgusting

Smegskull · Answer

Messy cluttered or messy dirty?

Anonymous · Answer

Nah, my place is just like that :P

Godihateyou · Answer

Yes.

Your date invites you over to their place and it's a mess - do you judge?

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