Men, what are your perspectives/thoughts on the mental load and how domestic labor is distributed?

[Anonymous]

a common is women talk about is the mental load and division of domestic labor. I want to know what men’s thoughts/perspectives are on the topic. Reflect on your own personal experiences or experiences that you’ve seen others have if you’re single.

[jahaims]

My wife has been a stay at home mom and I am currently a stay at home dad. I would say the mental load changes drastically depending on you income, age of your kids and the quantity of kids. While my wife was home with a newborn I worked and still came home to do most of the housework. I took over with our baby as soon as I got home. Got up at night with our baby. So on paper I was doing more but she was going through the mental load of being a new mother. I became a stay at home dad when she had our 2nd kid. I have way less of a mental load now that they are older.

[Anonymous]

they are distributed very fairly whether people want to admit it or not

each domestic task is predominantly given to whomever is most capable as the primary contributor

cooking isn't that difficult when there's ovens, stoves, cooking utensils etc.

cleaning isn't that difficult when there's vacuum cleaners, dishwashers etc.

raising kids ain't difficult when there's TV, family members, neighbors, community etc.

what is often forgotten is mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters, moving heavy objects/furniture, taking out the trash, getting rids of pests and other creepy crawlies, being the unanimous security guard who confronts a home intruder etc.

[Asker]

If the person who was good at most of the tasks was overwhelmed because they were constantly taking care of everything because they were good at most of the tasks, wouldn’t you agree that the person who’s worse at those tasks should learn to be better so that they can meet their partner’s needs? If you haven't consistently done all of these tasks and had to redo these tasks because the moment you finish these tasks, someone undoes them so you have to do it again, then your opinion on it isn’t really reputable because you can’t speak on experiences, you’ve never experienced. That would be like if I said blue collar jobs weren’t that hard since now they mostly just use machines.

[Opinion Owner]

then it begs the question, why is that person with that less capable person to begin with?

someone who does the cooking and cleaning shouldn't expect their partner to be capable of replacing them completely but contribute in other ways. if that partner can't do anything however whether it be mowing the lawn or protecting the household from intruders, then that's when it's problematic

no one should be doing everything but often those who do think they're doing everything aren't actually doing everything just because some tasks are less scheduled-based

[Asker]

Mowing the lawn and protecting the house from intruders are episodic tasks, not daily tasks. I think it's unfair for men to be able to sit on the couch and watch tv when they get home from work while women still have to do everything else. You get to decompress. Women don’t get that same privilege. They’re always doing domestic labor because they’re the only ones who will or “can”. If one person is doing significantly more daily tasks, the other person needs to learn how to do those daily tasks. You can learn to be good or at least adequate at most things. If you were the only one consistently keeping track of or doing all if not 70% of the domestic tasks day to day tasks, you wouldn’t be happy with the division and you would want your partner to learn how to do more tasks.

[Opinion Owner]

those episodic tasks are often more dirty, difficult and dangerous overall. there are more tools to help with the daily tasks than episodic tasks

I think it's unfair women don't mow the lawn or move back-breaking furniture or clean the gutter or get rid of a venomous spider in the kitchen or confront a dangerous knife-wielding intruder even when it doesn't happen as much, that's not even mentioning paying all the bills monthly

I also think it's unfair 9-5 office workers don't get to enter burning buildings like lazy firefighters do or rescue a drowning kid in the sea like lazy lifeguards do or go to fight in a war like lazy soldiers do because firefighters, lifeguards and soldiers don't really do that much work anyway unlike 9-5 office workers

keeping track of division of labor is silly because these tasks should be done even if the partner never existed.

let's say the man is no longer around... is the woman gonna pout about not being able to decompress? men aren't even allowed to pout about a woman not doing anything. single dads also tend to do better than single moms despite both having the exact same tasks

[Asker]

Then we’ll contribute to those tasks if it means you’ll contribute to the daily tasks. I’d rather mow the lawn once a week for about an hour than meal plan, grocery shop, prep, cook, do dishes, clean the bathroom, vacuum, mop, schedule the kid’s appointments and activities, pack the kid’s lunches, drive the kids to school, help the kids with their homework, bathe the kids, put their pjs together, plan their next outfit, and do laundry for a 4+ hour with these tasks combined on the daily basis.

[Opinion Owner]

except that women don't contribute to those tasks at all which is deemed fine by society especially when an intruder breaks in. the man must confront the potential psycho and risk getting stabbed while the woman can hide away with the kids.

there's online recipes for meal planning and prep and grocery shopping. dishes can be done with a dish washer. bathroom cleaner sprays can break down mould and soap scum easily. robotic vacuum cleaners move on their own. laundry can be done with washing machines.

kids may be the only issue if you intend not to have a familial relationship with them at all and in spite of that there's still plenty of time to scroll on social media, watch TV, listen to music or engage in whatever hobby you wish.

[jennifer_bloom]

I believe you should think of your domestic work as a friendship, your friends do not point a gun to your head and demand that you prepare them the best steak and beer you can make, but you prepare the meal because you like them and want to be nice to them.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Men don’t think about it at all, I imagine. Not until they’re made to confront it. Society trains men to expect service from women in relationships and it also trains women to be so aware and considerate that they end up providing that service.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on Girls Ask Guys is to dish out some steamy insights into the love labyrinth! When it comes to the mental load and domestic labor distribution, it's crucial for harmony. I've seen relationships thrive when both partners share responsibilities, like a well-rehearsed duet. 😉 Communicating openly about chores can prevent love's sneaky adversaries: resentment and burnout. Everyone's relationship tango is unique, but teamwork ensures the dance floor stays smooth and groovy!

[Anonymous]

the girlfriend has absolutely taken on the vast majority of "emotional labor". Why? Because it's things I don't care about about but she does.

I don't care that our place looks lived in when we have guests over. When going on vacation, If she wants to do the labor of planning out down to the minute of when/where we're going to eat breakfast on the 5th day, well, if it makes her happy go for it.

I simply do not care.

[Asker]

She cares because she knows that she will be judged for having a messy house and as for the vacation, she cares because she wants the best vacation for everyone going. Plus she knows that if you just wing it, it will be more stressful. You should care because she cares. Just like she cares about things you care about even though she doesn’t care about them for her own preferences.

[Opinion Owner]

Worrying about what people think about you, especially something as stupid as a house that we live in looking lived in is ridiculous. That's on her for caring about the irrelevant opinions of other people.

"You should care because she cares" women love to manipulate their men by playing it off as a she did a favor for us when we LITERALLY DON'T CARE about the "favor". We don't have to be grateful because you did something that YOU care about and did it the way YOU wanted it done.

"You should care because she cares. Just like she cares about things you care about even though she doesn’t care about them for her own preferences." Wrong again. I have plenty of my own pet peeves that are constantly ignored, the only difference is that I don't cry about "emotional labor" because I'm aware that it's my problem, not hers. I'm not going to take credit for doing something because Im the only one who wanted it done.

[Opinion Owner]

emotional ""labor"" because it's something that women do to themselves. they choose to take it on, usually when nobody asked or expected them to.

[Asker]

Actually women are judged harshly for not going the extra mile. When women don’t or stop going the extra mile, their significant other judges them for it even though they themselves don’t go the extra mile. Women go the extra mile because they want to make you happy. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want reciprocation and for our significant other to go the extra mile for us to make us happy. As a person, you should want to go the extra mile for your loved ones because you want to make them happy. Women want you to want to make them happy, not just do the bare minimum so they’ll tolerate you. Also it’s wrong that your girlfriend ignores your frustrations. Partners should listen to each other’s frustrations and do the best that they can to avoid causing those frustrations.

[Opinion Owner]

Men and women get harshly judged on different things. Choosing to care is a choice.

Women do not go the extra mile to make us happy. As I already said, the women who complain about emotional labor are manipulative and always want to be seen a victim when they aren't.

[Anonymous]

It should be based on the couple. Personally, I'd be more than willing to do at least half.

[Anonymous]

I think Love Doctor Brad explained it quite well.