My girlfriend is verbally abusive and said some nasty words, I feel anger when I attempt to reply to her and answer her calls. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Hello, me (27M) and my girlfriend (30F) have been in a relationship for over 5 months and through those months I have received quite a lot of abuse, mainly verbally but also there has been instances of being held against my will and locked in her apartment, also possibly SA? (I say possibly because the way she handled it when I was clear that I do not want sex as I just finished work and was really ill, made me feel awful as she basically forced herself on me then lashed out that I did not want sex, I am a guy so I guess I don't know how to feel calling it SA)

She is very disrespectful, talking in passive aggressive and sarcastic mannerism, generally had nasty attitude, speaks in disrespectful way when she's moody, swears at me, insults me, add to that in her fits of rage explaining how she would kill her self in great detail while shouting and talk about throwing her pet rabbit out the window. The entire emotional rollercoaster got me in depressive moods, I stopped eating, going to gym. I was not strong enough to keep boundaries as she would always explode and get upset if I wasn't there for her, I had to sacrifice a lot of my time and walk on eggshells just to avoid these situations.

4 days ago I was having a rough time and I told her, since I told her about it she was disrespectful daily

I am at a stage now where she has wrote an essay how sorry she is about everything and how much she loves me and how she wants to stay with me forever and be there for me, while I am having a hard time to respond as I feel disgusted and angry whenever I attempt but part of me still wants to stay

I do not know what to do, it's been half a day since she wrote me and I still haven't replied because it will feel forced, I don't even want to reply or contact her at the moment but I do not want to leave. I wish I could write our situations here to show you that I have never given her a reason to treat me like this, if anything I am "the best thing that happened to her" in her words

Updates

7 mo

I've had enough and told her everything that she has done to me, I expected her to get defensive and fight back but she said "I understand I have been abusive and toxic I brought all that from my past relationships and I am sorry for everything I've done to you" made me feel sorry but I broke up anyway, this breakup was different. I felt relief rather than sadness so this time I know I am 100% done. Thank you to everyone, I needed all of your comments, fog has been lifted.

Updates

6 mo

So, I have blocked her entirely, it has been 10 days no contact. She has untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, I have spoken and asked people about my situation they have opened my eyes to the fact that she has verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. I did not see any much of it at first due to her manipulation, guilt tripping and everything else. I have went to see the therapist due to how I am feeling, he said I am showing symptoms of PTSD.

Updates

6 mo

I don't know how to feel, ashamed, angry at myself or her. I am stupid for allowing all of this but can't think like that. I will try my best to heal, once healed use this relationship to learn what is wrong with me to have stayed so long in such a relationship and ignore red flags, also so I can avoid another such relationship.

[Finchie40]

Dump her ass man, why are You still tolerating her shit? When a partner starts disrespecting you and starting arguments with you , it’s best to walk the other way and tell them to go F themselves , Go find a girl that actually has a heart that treats you with respect the same way you treat her

[Asker]

I keep telling myself all that but I find it hard to leave, I feel like I am too emotionally invested as she is my first.

[Finchie40]

Well then you are choosing and accepting this to happen by you staying with her

[Asker]

You are 100% right, just gotta man up and do it.

[Noredcarpet]

It has only been 5 months and already all this. Dump. Or if your heart is in it and she really wants to change and put in all the work to do so and truly change then stay. You recognize the abuse you put up with which is good but it is no good you are getting used to it. Put yourself first. For your own protection I would say please leave her but it is not my call to make.

[Asker]

My heart is in it but my mind isn't. I ignored a lot of red flags and I do not actually see her as someone I would be with for the rest of my life so I logically it makes sense to leave ASAP but with her being my intimate partner and when good times come back its like I have a soulmate.

Since this is my first proper relationship I know I should end it quickly as I am afraid it will ruin my view of future relationships as I have never experienced a healthy relationship.

[Noredcarpet]

It is obvious she has mental issues that is abusing you and then when she is afraid to loose you she changes to be this soulmate of your using words everyone wants to hear.
Look, I think too I have once been in a relationship with someone where something was off mentally speaking. Today I think he was bipolar and going into a state I never knew before, only recently, could happen, a psychosis of some kind were jealousy dominate. All I can say is I do not think in the state he was in that he was aware, knew, had insight that he had become mentally ill. This is too why he could not claim full responsibility of his actions. Depending on what mental illness you got and how serious t is makes a difference if or not you are going to ask for help or not.
During our split up and after it would especially in what he wrote to me become scary to me.
I needed to get away from him in order to gradually understand what I had gone through, just like you are doing now, but if you are like me you have not as of yet discovered all the layers of abuse and in the meanwhile how your brain changes without your force or will. It will change into it's very own survival mode but in another it will start to crack.
I am not expert but what you are describing is someone who in a very strong manner go from one extreme mood to another, threaten her own life, threaten her pets life. You are being kept a prisoner of what ever mental issue she got, as long as she is in no condition to function in a healthy normal way to you you should not be in a relationship with her. She has to get herself fixed at first.
Please, hand it over. You need to then protect yourself from harm, heal. You have to give yourself the time you need. You can not do this her way no more. My current suffers too, that has caused jealousy, but he has not treated me like that, things are much better, but it will take change, time for me to trust it. You are being abused in ways my ex did not, and current. Self love.

[Asker]

Sorry, had to fix one of my grammar mistakes "My first intimate partner" thats what i mean in my previous reply, I guess maybe thats also why I find it hard to leave.

[Asker]

I am sorry you had to go through all that. In the beginning of our relationship she mentioned that previous therapist has said (within 1 hour of phone therapy session) that she is showing symptoms of borderline personality disorder, I did not know what it meant but I started reading into it later down the line. A month ago she made a lot of promises about going back into therapy and bettering herself (she has stopped therapy and medication 3 years ago) and a week later of our breakup she said that one of the therapists said she may have been diagnosed and she might only have ADHD, I got hoovered back in because of her nice words and I've regreted that decision now. Whether what she says about missdiagnosis is true or not it does not justify how she treated me. Halloween is right around the corner and she is being super nice as we have planned to spend Halloween together for a while but everytime I think about going to see her I am starting to have anxiety which I never had in my life, it's the 2nd time she is causing my anxiety. I need to chose myself first and foremost but my empathy is making me feel sorry for her and I remember how devestated she gets when I try and breakup with her but I need to just do it and break all contact.

I am glad things are much better for you now, I appreciate your time and effort into explaining the situation and helping me out, I also appreciate you opening up about your past. You have helped me a lot thank you.

I will be spending another weekend alone which I am sure she is not going to like as she loves Halloween and wanted to spend the Halloween weekend with me but I just need to relax and approach the entire breakup calmly without feeling the emotions of fear, anger or feeling sorry for her.

[Noredcarpet]

That's ok, I understood that was what you meant before, I write wrong all the time, lol, it's all good :) . It is only natural you feel this way. In any intimate relation I learned through some documenary our bodies gets connected, attached, and you have to detox it in a lack of a better word, before the body gets that it is no more to the other body, that is the physical part alone. Then you have the emotional part of it too you have to struggle on top of everything. Could be she is like my ex 100% attentive, strong feelings for you all in the eyes, alone, not to mention the rest. What ever diagnose she has it could be that her brain is really kickin it in an intimate situation with you, why too you could feel a connection there, the soulmate thing. With my ex he was equally if not worse when acting cruel (outside the bed scenario) towards me. To me what ever was great was empty because the cruelty was there too as the price you had to pay meaning I did not want it. Words spöken were empty. If used by a normal guy they would mean it, it would be consistent and if true, you could trust it, it meant the normal guy would if feeling such love for you not be able to display such cruelty. Love would stop him. Being normal would stop him. My ex too acted as if he was all that, ego, as if he thought himself as the King, the represent of how all the guys were when I thought to myself I knew all kinds of guys, family, around and I knew he was dead wrong about it. They were not like him and this was nothing I should put up with. I never told family about what I at the time thought were us going through something private as that is what I thought you would do, keep it to yourself, but if I had they would have told me No this is abuse, he has crossed the line, this is not how it's done between couples in their home or car, were they may be when alone. It is normal for at least 50% of loved ones to someone mentally ill to develop anxiety, depression, burn outs.

[Noredcarpet]

Thank you so much, yes, You can not let your empathy guide you too much, you got to separate what is love and what is not. My ex was in my face all the time and I learn my sensitivity, and survival, was that I at first would read how he was doing. I swear it, I walked around as an empty chell, on command, auto pilot, I could not feel my own emotions, my own thoughts. If something did come through I would at one feel quilt and tell myself it was my fault, or that I should stay some more. It was only after I had cut myself loose not just from him but the people we knew in common and me thinking he could not reach me no more that I could hear myself think and feel. I wished that would have been the end of the story but something in his brain made him decide he was not letting me go, but in the end it all ended. You must protect yourself. Do not take any risks with her. I know you feel sorry but it does not good, just like any other emotion do no good if placed on her. Is it really love you feel for her? I came to understand for me it was not love. It was fear having been controlled for so long. He used my fear against me. He was selfish. All about his life. No genuine interest in mine, what would make me feel good. Someone who loves you is not like that. You do right by putting yourself first. Please protect yourself, don't take any chances.

[Asker]

First of all, sorry you have gone through all of that. Thank you for your help, I have read all of your replies, on other commenters aswell. I wrote up an update on the post. I have been struggling lately which I have been told is a "trauma bond" due to the highs and lows, the constant lovebombing into awful abuse on repeat, which makes sense because after the last break up I realise I do not love her, and yet I miss her, addicted like to a drug. She did try to get me back before I blocked her 10 days ago with apologies, promises and begging but a lot of the memories of what she's done in our relationship came flooding back... and I don't know what else to write, my mind just emptied itself when I wrote that last sentence, at the very least I know I will never be going back to her and will focus on myself. I wrote more in the updates if you want to know more, thank you so much for your help.

[Nikki1989]

Man up and move on. What are you putting up with this?

[Asker]

I do need to man up as the negatives and red flags far outweigh the positives. It's actually a lot harder to leave as I have tried in the past as she is my first intimate partner and when we have the good times it feels amazing, soulmate like levels of understanding until she gets into a abusive mood when I for example don't cover her with a blanket, don't reply to her text message within 5 minutes and so on or even after she just takes a nap, when she wakes up it's like she flips a switch in her brain and becomes nasty towards me.

[Asker]

Also it's because after the fact she is very aware of what she has done and is very guilty about it all, she can not apologise enough as she does not want to lose me as I am "the best thing that happened to her, her first partner that did not misstreat her" in her words, so I guess I keep falling for her promises and loving attitude to stick around only to be put down by waves of her nasty attitude, then the cycle repeats. She is trying her best but I do not believe she knows how to talk to people, especially me as a lot of things come out in nasty ways, sometimes I am afraid of bringing up what she said that hurt me because it's a 50-50 whether she explodes in rage again, becomes argumentative OR feels bad and actually apologises.

[DonaldDarko]

The hell with her. I can't write on here what I think should be done but get away from a piece of shit like her.

[AI Opinion]

Oh boy, it sounds like you're caught in a whirlwind of lovebombing and red flags. Being in a verbally abusive relationship that's affecting your mental and physical health is rough, no doubt about it. You've got to prioritize your well-being, darling, and sometimes that might mean creating distance or seeking professional help. Her apologies and promises sound tempting, but remember, consistent actions speak louder than words. Trust your instincts; if your gut is yelling "run," it might be on to something. You deserve love and respect, not a constant emotional rollercoaster. 🌈 Remember, self-care is not selfish! 💪

[Anonymous]

You should break up with her. Or at least give her an ultimatum that you will break up with her if she doesn’t treat you better.

[Asker]

Already tried an ultimatum and we had plenty of talks, I know it will just repeat and repeat but my heart will not listen to reason.

[Opinion Owner]

Then you need to break up with her

[Noredcarpet]

You need to make up your mind because you need to love yourself more than her to understand the damage she is making. I think one part of her is trapped in what ever is wrong with her and the other is projecting out aggressive manipulate behavior. She needs help. She will not go into this as a normal person. You have to have an expert on it to help her, follow it through. This is not going to go away because the two of you talk about it. You will risk if you are not already and I kind if think you are co dependent. I was with my ex. I have seen co dependence in my partners family. If you want to stay with her place the ultimatium that she gets help, go with her, have couple's therapy, follow it through. It takes time, and pills, I am sure. If you decide to leave I think it would be best if you at least talked to someone professional to heal what you have been through. Like my ex her mental illness could make her dangerous to you, to herself why I say protect yourself and don't take any chances.

[Noredcarpet]

Want to add that you have the capacity to love, great. The capacity to feel empathy, great too but in the long run because of everything that has happened your love will die for her just like mine did with the ex. He never got help during our relationship. If he ever did afterwards he became the crazy ex period I don't know but it would be too late then to save our relationship. Remember you have to live with the memories of her cruelty for the rest of your life. I came anyway to the conclusion that I did not really love my ex no more as love in order to survive have to be mutual. He was self centered. I knew about his interests, I was a supporter, I was good to his family. I gave and I gave as that was the kind of person I was when in a relationship. Only when I got distance to everything I realized he knew none of my interests, he was all about him. It was the love on him we had in common. It will die. Love that is true love, healthy love is working both ways. The jealousy part was never too about love but other things concerning him, his self, his needs as a sick individual. Ok enough said. Wish you the best what ever you decide.

[Asker]

@Noredcarpet Thank you for your words. You have no idea how much they help me, it has been 6 months now and you probably won't see this message but I still come back here to read your comments. I have left her since this post, thanks to you and others, blocked her and realised how much abuse she has actually done, now that I have a clear head. Going to therapy and healing slowly, still struggling every now and then, thats when i come back to ready your comments.

I hope you have an amazing life, I wish you the beat and again thank you for your comments.