My new boyfriend is hiding IG stories from me and still adding girls… Should I walk away?

[Anonymous]

I (F, 35) started dating a guy (M, 31) recently and we made things official about a week ago. He flew twice internationally to meet me in person and date me before we were together. And we're now in a long distance relationship, he talks very romantically about our future plans, blueprint, and being 100% committed.

But his actions don’t match his words, and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or seeing real red flags.

Here’s what happened:

- I found out he was still active on Tinder around the time we made things official, even though he told me he would delete his dating apps.
- I noticed he keeps following random girls on Instagram. When I asked, he said he did that before but not recently, yet that's not the truth. He avoided answering why he keeps following random girls but said I watched the stories of some girls he follows like it was my fault (not sure it's so-called gaslighting)
- When I created a fake private IG account to follow him, he tried to follow it back immediately (thinking it was just another girl). Meanwhile, my real account cannot see his stories, but my fake account can.
- When I asked why I can't see his stories, he insisted it was a “glitch” that he’s not trying to hide anything from me. He says he always follows back everyone who follows him, but that isn’t true — he didn’t follow back my married friend but my fake private account (looks like someone beautiful and single)

He told me all the sweet things to show he's committed and his words sound perfect, but his behavior feels so secretive, and he just got defensive when all I asked was honesty. He even removed the following of my fake account and married friend after I brought up my friend can see his stories while I can't...

What should I do? I'm not sure if I should walk away directly or give him another chance.

Would love honest opinions from both men and women.

Updates

6 mo

After I confronted all my concerns, he didn't appologize or admit what he did but blamed me for using my friend to "test" his stories, tracking who he follows, and stalking his friends' stories. He said it is the "silly game" he is not interested in.

Do you think I was controling or I did something normal every girlfriend would do?

[Noredcarpet]

I would not trust him and break it off. It should have been in his and your interest to get rid of the things he needed before he went into this. He can't be very intelligent, low emotional intelligence. Does not make a good partner. Plus he is not 15. He should know by now. It is one thing if exes or flirts show up uninvited or change their behavoir and go all in to get what they lost or did not have but wanted in the first place when learning he met someone (has happened to me, confusing is all I have to say and I was close to walking away) but a different story when it is he who keeps by his own free will to be active this way. I would not give him a second chance. Surely, you can do better. To me it sounds as if he wants to sell a dream what he think is your need to have this wonderful wedding and on it goes, but the only way it is gping to be like that is if you are with a real guy, not a fake one copying real mens voice, words. He is fake.

[Noredcarpet]

I've read your update. Not sure I got this right by replying here, but still hope you see it. Jealousy has been a concern during my own relationship. My partner would act like a detective too, I did not know. He never found anything, there was never anything to find. I gave up my rights for a period of time meaning he had full access to basically the things he already had had in secret as a way to temporarily try to ease anxiety. If lets say he had found something I would not pretend he hadn't. I would not start making the issue about him in secret finding this out. Sure, what you did he does not like, but it does not remove the guilt, the blame he has. This is someone who doesn't own up.

[Asker]

Thank you for your reply. I truly appreciate your time and effort. I'm not sure if that means you think your partner is controlling? I mean I've already broken up with my boyfriend. Even though he agreed to break up, I keep wondering if I did something wrong. I'm not sure whether his accusations toward me count as a form of gaslighting, or if our values are simply that different. My close friends think I was overreacting and that getting upset about him hiding his Instagram stories from me is making a big deal out of nothing, and that I shouldn’t control him that much...0

[Noredcarpet]

Happy to hear that, you're welcome. I don't agree with your close friends and here's why: he said he was commited to you, yet he was still active on tinder and how he use his insta. Two things he should have thrown overboard when committing to you. You caught him in the act. It is then a natural responce of you becoming what they call controlling to continue to collect proof on one hand, another to ease your own concerns. Yes, my partner has been controlling. His kind of jealousy came from a fear he could potentielly loose me to someone else and to try to provent this, could be a friend too that would convince me to leave. Or that I would get sick, spike his anxiety. We have had a communication problem. Steaming too from that. He's OK now.

[jahaims]

Duh.

[DTH57]

Becarfull