Is it ever okay to put timelines on your relationship goals which technically sort of turn into ultimatums. For example, you want to get married by 25, or if your SO doesn't want kids by 30, you're breaking up?
I think u have to look at both lives and work out together what would work for both.
I have only experienced guys who ask and make up plans around what time to do something like getting engaged, married, getting kid/z or moving in together, what it now may be. I have been asked why always them and only thing thing I can think off is that their general speed was faster, more active, than mine and it takes time to know someone plus I thought it would take time to get our lives together. As long as I feel loved, safe and we had said in words so and so time then that to me is where we're going at that time or around that time.
I think it is when one feels insecure about the other ones commitment is when you start "pushing", sometimes right but sometimes wrong.
It is also so very important to know the difference between the love someone has for you and how that someones life looks like then. I did not want to make an ex insecure, feel rejected over something I could not do at that time because of other factors, it had nothing to do with my love, commitment. It can not be that only one of your lives matters the most. He made only his count.
I do get those who get panic about not being able to get pregnant later why they "push".
I think it's OK as long as you're kind of fluid with it. And by that I just mean that you're willing to amend those ultimatums when you see good reason to.
The reality is I've seen women stay with guys too long that were NEVER going to get married. And marry guys that were NEVER going to want kids. And what most of those women had in common is the either thought she could change him. Or she just didn't take his words at face value. Some just bought a repeated story until it proved completely obvious that that story was just going to keep being repeated.
What always gets me is the women that make a statement like "i want a child by 25". Now I'm not a wo. an, I don't have a biological clock I'm watching tick so to speak. But I've never understood the thinking of kids without being in love with someone yet. As I've said many times on here, "it's so cart before the horse". But my personal opinion is you ask the guy, (assuming he completely straight honest with you) and he says he doesn't want kids then you should pull up stakes right there. I mean it's possible he changes his mind. But it's such polar opposite stance, why would you want to continue with someone who isn't 100% sure?
So yeah I think it's perfectly fine to put timeliness on marriage and kids. But honestly, I wouldn't even put a timeline on them. Those are two things I'd want the person I was with to be 100% certain about when I asked them.
The truth is, yes... it's okay. You have goals in your life that you want to achieve and you should not have to wait for someone your whole life to move to the next phase in life. As long as you're setting unrealistic timelines, it's completely justified.
However, if you love someone enough, a timeline doesn't necessarily have to apply. Just being with them should be enough. And no one likes the pressure of a timeline. We all want a partner that's willing to be with us through thick and thin.
I think as someone said here, it's good to have goals as long as they are in tandem with the person you are with. You can set a goal, but a relationship involves two people and as you've said, putting pressure down, doesn't work. It has to be a "we" have goals for those type of things to work.
Yes and no. If the timeline is realistic and takes BOTH your goals into account then yes. If the timeline is unreasonably short/long or only takes ONE person's goals into account then no.
Exactly. Last time I checked, one cannot create a baby on their own (modern medical science withstanding) so saying, you'll have a kid by 22, is like, okay, you can say that, but you literally need someone to plan that with and agree to that, and things change out of your control. Pressure is awful too. No one wants that.
Exactly. For the record, I'm "anti" getting married in one's 20s. I did that and frankly most of my generation did... and divorce rates spiked. There's no rush now. Having a happy baby in your 30s is better than having an anxious baby in your 20s and figuring out how to date as a single parent in your 30s...
Folks have to be careful what they wish/plan for.
ummm... 'notwithstanding'? 'Withstanding; means something takes a lickin and keeps on tickin. It's one of those words that everyone misinterprets, like nonplussed which means both what it means and the opposite of what it means, but then flammable and inflammable mean precisely the same thing so the English language is a bit of a train wreck overall.
As a relationship coach, my aim on Girls Ask Guys is to sprinkle some wisdom with a cheeky twist 😏. Timelines can be tempting, like setting a reminder on your love clock, but life, love, and timing are as unpredictable as my dance moves at a wedding! 🎉 Ultimatums? They can cause unnecessary pressure, and love thrives in freedom. It's cool to have goals, but be open to life's jazz ā sometimes it's the unexpected beats that create harmony. Your relationship isn't a calendar event, it's an evolving journey! 🕺ā¤ļø
Opinion
31Opinion
u Yes, it is okay to have standards for what you want in a relationship. Of course, you can't demand that your partner submit to your plans, so the only alternative is to go your separate ways if they can't accept your wishes. But those things should all get resolved before you consider marriage.
I think itās good to be reasonable. If Iām dating someone and after two dates theyāre moving too fast and seems like love bombingā¦. Slow down. I donāt want to be married in under a year and find our years laterā¦. They arenāt the one I wanted. Have nefarious plansā¦ or both be miserable.
At the same time if Iām with someone for six months but they donāt know if they want to be exclusiveā¦. Ehhh. Really?
I think when to people are together heather's communication about everything. Sure , what , but if you're not on the same page and things are kind of being forced , it's just not going to work
Sure it is ā¦. If you BOTH agree to the āhealthyā goals and the timeline.
While timelines are about needs they are not about controlling someone elseās
Relationships donāt work by a clock or calendar and need to be based on alignment. They can also face challenges that neither party could predict and face set back or adjustment like financial worries , change of career etc
Your in a relationship because you choose that person , nothing else can or should be thought of as certain or assured.
If you want to be married, particularly married with children, it's very important that you set a decision date in a relationship. We've seen too many questions on GAG from women asking "Why hasn't he proposed?" after years of cohabitation. There's a simpel answer: he doesn't want to marry you.
Don't let that happen to you. When you start to date someone, ask about their goals, and if they aren't compatible with yours, don't waste precious time on them. The first date is not too soon to be asking. Asking a man if he wants marriage and a family does not mean that you expect to be married in the next three months. Even if he says that he's looking for marriage, you should still have a decision date. If your boyfriend suggests living together and you agree, then at the end of the one year lease, it's time to either plan a wedding or break up.
You can try to but you are correct those timelines transmogrify into ultimatums. They also generate sunk costs.
Say a girl meets a guy at 22 and she thinks he is a man she would marry. Every thing is good so she pressures him to marry her. She is also pressuring herself to marry incidentally. The relationship is less important to her than married status is.
At 25 she demands marriage or break up. Breaking up doesn't aide her goal of being married because she has to start over. Meet a guy, fall in love etc etc but that is another 3 years and breaking up will ensure she doesn't meet her goal.
So there is a major sunk cost and she is under pressure to marry the first guy even if she has come to realize he has flaws she doesn't like.
So I think it is unrealistic to have those relationship goals.
Sure it's OK to have goals to remind yourself of your own big picture. But don't get fixated on or contained by arbitrary dates on a calendar. You're dealing with two people and life. With that said, you should have some timeline in place and milestones established along the way. Otherwise you may end up wasting a big chunk of your life.
m It's okay and realistic for people looking at their love life like it's a set of goals I suppose. But it's so absurdly far from how I look at love and/or life lol. The good thing is that a girl thinking like that is easy to spot, as much as my views are easy to spot for her. So no one gets fooled
If they are shared goals I donāt see why not
But imposing deadlines on your partner is not ok
I had a girlfriend who loved me to death and I loved her too.
But she wanted to be married within 2 years
I was a lot longer than 2 years away from being ready for marriage
So I ended it
It was unfortunate. We had such a good thing and ended it anyway
Thatās what deadlines can do
The idea of being at some arbitrary point in your relationships based on age or preconceived notions. Generally doesn't end well. If you both feel that the relationship is progressing and you share the same general goals... have children... But maybe not when. Then let go of the time line philosophy. Or find someone who shares your love of planning. When I was young I thought of kids by 25. But given my relationships at the time glad I didn't in retrospect. As a simple example.
I try to define stuff like that by saying "in 6 months I should know how to communicate with her on a deep level, if I feel like I'm not quite there but it can happen, maybe I'll give it another 2 months"
That way it's more of a checkpoint to be mindful of and you're not commiting to an impossible decision.
Are you saving yourself for marriage?
Are you having sex with a guy after a few dates? That is your biggest obstacle to marriage is if you are already putting out.
Kids? You should start having them after getting a long term commitment.
When you are young and fertile is the time for kids. Worry about a job after the kids are in school.
Women who are past 30 want you to woo and romance them like they have zero baggage, (ignoring their high bodycount) put a baby in them yesterday, and pay all their bills and put up with their emotional drama.
If you are a woman in your 20's you have a limited runway to lock down the man you want to father your children. I don't make the rules, but the biological Wall is undefeated. 35 is a geriatric pregnancy.
I didnāt do that but yes, I think it is fine. A woman should waste her time with a guy that doesn't want marriage or kids by a reasonable time.
I proposed to my wife after 4 years of dating as it would seem like I was dragging her out if it went longer. I didnāt think that was right.
Ultimatums just don't work. What love story starts with...and he forced me to get married when I really wasn't ready to?? Yeah..no. It's okayish to have a timeline in your head, but life is life, and it can't be set in stone. You may want marriage and kids by 30, but what happens if you find out you or they are infertile---gotta leave room for things to twist another way.
It is more about being in sync on something big. In hindsight, marriage revolves around the children. Have them when you are ready and agree on when that is. This isnāt a contract but a conversation. And if one is not able to have kids, then that is a conversation as well and some will choose one way and other the other.
Yes. Goals are important. They help you to gain clarity about what you need, what you want and to distinguish that from the vast rump of issues you either do not care about, can't control or that will sort themselves out. Just don't think it's a plan. It's a yardstick to measure progress. The actual timeline you live through will be completely different and that is healthy.
Of course... especially for women who are usually the ones who make those timelines. It's all about their biological clock and the fact that their fertility begins to rapidly decline after 30. So if they want to have families, they are forced to move things along and not waste any time. Men can father children their entire lives so there is no urgency or timeline.
It's okay to set boundaries from the very beginning and be clear with our expectations before things get serious so you know if you're both on the same page when it comes to plans for the future and to avoid any disappointments and resentment.
I don't think that is realistic. Life moves at its own pace and people come and go at times we can't determine.
You should have general guidelines, yes. I have timelines for mine too.
In particular women who want children should have basic timelines, because they're on more of a clock than men are. Waiting and waiting for marriage or children from a man who keeps dragging his feet will push her right out of the window if it does on for long enough.
Yeah because at the end of the day they are wasting your time.. It's better if you could be finding the person who wants the same things as you then one who doesn't..
I mean in middle school and high school i planned on getting married by 30. thatās not gonna happen tho because Iām already 26 and i canāt even find a girlfriend. Soā¦yea. I wanted to get married by 30 and then plan to have kids but thatās not gonna happen anytime soon unless i can somehow by miracle find someone in the next 3 years
Ultimatums never work. Ideally , we would both have conversations early on about what we both want out of life.
I think this is more sensible then setting an arbitrary timeline for sure.
I think you got to realize that you have no real control over anything. Just be happy that the relationship is working, cause it could fall apart in any moment.
The kid thing needs to be timed, because once a woman reaches 40, the likelihood of giving birth is greatly reduced. Most women give birth in their 20s. So, in terms of childbirth, timelines are defined by nature.
u No. Those are things that should filter someone out in the first few weeks of dating.
It really is not wise/ Relationships are awkward and messy and they will follow their own timeline. All you can to is try and keep up.
I think itās reasonable to set realistic goals, trying to time a relationship around post secondary education, after leaving a parentās home or later when the window for getting pregnant is closing.
Goals can be helpful, but rigid inflexibility is not.
No this prioritizes your goal over your partner, and that is not reasonable. It is almost like you are saying, "Any partner would be fine as long as my goal is reached."
It's okay but it's not recommended. Everyone's got their own pace
Arbitrary timelines don't make sense to me. But progress goals do.
It might sound weird to some , but itās not a bad idea.
I think it's realistic, but it depends on the couple.
Very stupid and extremely stupid to do so..
With the essential things, yes.
No. Next question
That's usually a recipe for failure
Yes, but be flexible (but not too flexible)
Nope
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