Why do some people think there is unconditional love in relationships?

[Vesuvius87]

As much as I love my dear husband and he's a great father to our 11 month-old baby boy, there are obvious boundaries and limits that should never be crossed. Loving a partner or spouse unconditionally wouldn't be healthy either because that would mean they can abuse, cheat on you, hurt one of your family members, be a drug addict, etc and you're still loving and speaking to them. The main causes that would kill many relationships and/or marriages are abuse and infidelity (then you're only cordial with them if there are kids involved but if not, then you block them permanently) since it involves a breach of trust.

Sometimes just love isn't enough if they don't share your same goals in life either. If he weren't interest in having kids, then we wouldn't have gotten married, much less continue a relationship. The date would've ended right there. So yes, there are conditions to be met when selecting a partner.

The only two people that I do feel unconditional love to (literally no conditions) are my son and my mother. Everyone (even my father included) there are conditions. I can't think of anything that would make me stop loving them. To me whenever unconditional love is mentioned, it's generally (with exceptions since certain people still disown their children) about a mother or father towards his/her child.

[ohsheeT]

There are many kids that grow up not feel love or experiencing it so they don't understand it. sometimes they never understand it. Until they want to

And the first thing they have to do is find themselves and love themselves because sure we can love anyone but until we truly love ourselves and respect ourselves to the deepest depths then that's when we start understanding boundaries and won't do this or that because I would not want it done to me and that's when we start to grow and start understanding unconditional

But there's probably 500 different types of Love or more in this world but the only one that means anything is that you have the love for yourself so you can actually love somebody else that deep unconditionally

[Vesuvius87]

That happened to me. There are several things that my father did wrong that I would never do to my son. For instance I would never give him the cold shoulders as punishment. A child that's still developing, is already thinking the parent doesn't love them that much and that there are conditions.

[ohsheeT]

Yesi went through a lot of things that were wrong but everything i went through made me question everything and with the question made me seem out the truths and by doing so made me a better person. Most people end up just like their parents I went completely opposite and when I had my first child I had one job one job only and that was to raise that child 100 times better than I was raised with love compassion understanding a different type of discipline instead of hitting or beating I would just give my kids more responsibility I wouldn't take things away I wouldn't put them in time out I would just give them more responsibility

I always had the excuse for my parents did they only knew what they knew but I made it a point to know a lot more than they did

And I would never ever want to teach my children how my stepdad taught me is just wrong

[Malwi93]

Thats interesting my mom hates me

[Malwi93]

@Vesuvius87

[Vesuvius87]

I just don't understand how several people want to do the same exact things as their parents, the very things they hated themselves as kids. Plus raising them exactly as your parents shows no progression at all. The point of raising a new generation is for them to be better than your parents, even better than you too.
I don't understand the point of hitting a child either. That's should be called assault because if that's done towards your spouse (ex: a husband slapping his wife around whenever they get into a disagreement), by your boss at work or other adults, it would be assault and battery. It should be judged the same if done on a little kid that can't fight you back.

[Vesuvius87]

@Malwi93
I'm very sorry to hear that. That's horrible. Not everyone is suited to be parents. No child should ever be hated.

[lightbulb27]

I bet there is not even unconditional for your son at some point. In the words of a pastor of church..."you are going to want to kill your kids sometimes". don't actually do that. The challenge is we are all human and that results in selfishness which means hurting others.

I think the few unconditional is God/Christ and maybe a mothers love. I think my mother loved me unconditionally til her last days, she demonstrated with her thoughts and concern. I recall though my mom chasing my brother around a table with a roller pin wanting to whack him.

In romantic, I think you can give unconditional, but there's still rules because we can only handle or accept so much when we value ourselves vs the others perspective. "Love is a many splended thing."

glad you got married. I'm married and we are doing well and it's an ever evolving thing. You will live many lives...

[Vesuvius87]

Yet practically all versions of the bible refer to non-believers as fools and that supposedly there will all go to some terrible place. In believing in a god in order to get love or else going to hell is already conditional love. I have no conditions for my son. Even if he doesn't reciprocate love for me, I'll still love him.

[lightbulb27]

I recall the bible saying not to call anyone a fool and to not judge others. Christ saying to "forgive" effectively, indefinitely. Various demonstrations of love to others. Bible has some contrasts. Ultimately, I suspect there's a lot of wisdom and truth but if ones viewpoint is negative of religion and religious people, as it was for me, it's hard to see. I seek the truths I can find now, more get revealed over time.
Yes you will love your child, you have a connection noone else can have with them. I love my little nephew and he isn't even mine. But he out of nowhere wadded up a ball of dirt and threw it at me, who knows why? I had a "moment".
I suspect love is just some form of resonance, which we resonate to. The other energies are resonance that become selfish. That makes love also a choice to give not just a feeling.

[Nikki1989]

Movies, books, and social narratives often portray unconditional love as the “purest” form of love. It is a rare thing, but it does exist.

[Vesuvius87]

It does exist but not in romantic relationships or marriages since there are still conditions to be met such as being loyal (no cheating) and them being abusive isn't love anymore.

[Anonymous]

I think people like to believe there is a perfect romantic love out there (to them obviously). Where it all just happens! Where they're so perfect to the other person that they appear to have no rough edges and that if they do, those edges are just endearing to the other person. Where they're so in tune with the other person that the relationship requires no work or effort and everything just falls into place.

This is of course ridiculous. And those thar ascribe to it only show how naive and potentially narcissistic they are. Even the BEST relationships will always require effort and maintaining. Sure you can find a partner that is a good match for you and it'll decrease this. But I don't care if two people are together for 50 years. They will always be individuals. They'll NEVER be one mind.

[Vesuvius87]

I think they're too focused on the initial infatuation stage where it's all about the wonderful feelings, romance and seeing your partner/spouse as perfect. In reality, relationships and marriages are constant work, consistency and teamwork. You both have to communicate every day. It's similar to constantly adding woods in the fireplace to keep it alive.

[Opinion Owner]

Agreed. I guess I just focus less on this aspect since I'm a guy. Guys steer away from the Skid while women tend to steer into the Skid when it comes to feelings.

[Vesuvius87]

It's the whole ''men fall in love with their eyes and woman by their ears'' but believe me, we eventually catch up with the BS and see the whole forest either after undergoing a love deception, hearing overused phrases repeatedly, we get older and lovebombing (esp if someone is purposely keeping us distracted with the infatuation period and wasting our fertile years) doesn't work anymore. When we're not buying it anymore then that's when logic takes over and we see romantic relationships in a more realistic manner.
Upon meeting my now husband, I was already looking for like-minded goals and values. I didn't want my time wasted again. It's similar to when telemarketing bs with the ''everything is for free'' and then get you engaged in a long conversation until they suddenly read a savings club sales script. After pulling that on you 2-3 times, you're not buying those catchphrases anymore.

[Opinion Owner]

Same goes for men. By the time we reach about 30ish we seen just about every game that's in a woman's bag. Her feminine wiles and scams do not work anymore. People like to say it's a woman's sexual marketability starts to drop at that age. But the reality is a good woman stays attractive far beyond that. But if a woman is not a good person to begin with and she only had trickery to sustain her to that point, she quickly finds her stock plummeting when guys cannot be manipulated anymore.

I was fortunate to meet my wife at 21 and escape all this nonsense. Luckily for ME she chose me. Because at that age I don't think I would have been smart enough to lock her down otherwise.😆

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I dunno, that's how I was raised. You make a commitment and you stick to it because you don't take them lightly.

Someone abusing you isn't unconditional love. That's selfishness. If you loved eachother unconditionally, abuse wouldn't become a problem.

At least that's how I was raised. I wonder about it myself a lot of the time.

[Vesuvius87]

Being committed to your promise or in my case marital vows is different from unconditional love. The marital vows (being faithful and sticking together on day, bad days or during sickness) are requirements, which is the opposite of unconditional love. If it was unconditional then there would be no boundaries, no requirements nor strings for them to get our love. It would be loving someone regardless of their actions (even if it's terrible), flaws or circumstances. Basically it would be a love that can't be broken by anything at all.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Yes, that's what unconditional love means. It takes courage. And it requires you to love yourself. I don't know if it's right or wrong. Or everything it means.

But the boundaries part is where I disagree most. I broke past my parents boundaries and they stepped all over mine. I can say the same about relationships romantic business or otherwise. It doesn't stop me from loving them. Wanting what's best for them, giving them pieces of me. As long as people have autonomy they're going to walk over your boundaries sometimes. Sometimes you can't tolerate or work past it. But if it stops you from loving them, the boundaries were never the problem. That's how I see it

[RavVid]

Love between guys and girls is highly transactional most of the time. Though not always. e. g one has a major illness their partner stills supports them even if on a transaction basis they should dump and move on. I'd say that was showing unconditional love.

[Vesuvius87]

Realistically once there is even one condition (ex: being faithful) that if they don't do and it makes you stop loving them, it's already transactional.

[RavVid]

That is a good point. We always want something from a sexual partner so it is inherently transactional. There can be more benefit in cancelling a relationship than continuing it. So the divorce rate confirms the transactional nature.

[Bklynbadboy12]

I'm so sorry you feel that way but love is unconditional and if you dont feel that you not truly in love. Seems like your holding back cause you dont want to get hurt. You make it seem like you and your husband are just not compatible. But please dont blame it on love is not unconditional cause it is yours just isn't

[Vesuvius87]

Honestly almost all love (except loving your child; though some parents still would disown) have conditions. The martial vows are conditions too.

[Vesuvius87]

We're compatible and our love is stronger than ever, esp with our son in our lives. No one is going to love a partner that abuses and has affairs, breaks their marital vows. We had a non-religious wedding and that still has vows.

[Bklynbadboy12]

People have conditions yes but when people do things you dont want them to do your disappointed but you dont stop loving them

[Vesuvius87]

If they have conditions (as it should be) then it's not unconditional. I would definitely stop loving my husband if he were to have affairs or abuse either me or our son.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Could be because:

• Disney pushed the idea?
• Priests pushed the idea?
• It's terrifying to imagine that someone could cease loving us?

[Vesuvius87]

Yet all relationships (with the exception a loving mother or father towards their kid) have conditions, where you can definitely stop loving them.
Hollywood movies about ''I'll always love forever and ever'' aren't realistic.

[MrChinaski]

I love my exwife and she loves me. That love is unconditional. It turns out our relationship ran its course. Staying together is conditional in the circumstances you set out. At least that's my 2c.

[Vesuvius87]

There is a big difference between a relationship or marriage naturally running its course and a relationship or marriage getting destroyed by abuse and/or infidelity.
Even loving them is a result of how we met them as. We wouldn't love them just for their pure existence. It's always about them having good traits we initially fell in love with, being compatible and having similar goals.

[MrChinaski]

Fair. I'm sorry if they were your experiences.

[Vesuvius87]

I only had two relationships gone wrong before meeting my now husband. I'm actually happily married by now but I was actually pointing out towards a more realistic view. Not everything is roses and sunny. Some people have to undergo love deceptions and it leads to break-ups and/or divorces.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

There's no such thing as unconditional love.

Its Hollywood movie fiction.

You actually don't love your son or mom unconditionally.

If they rip your eyes out, bet you will stop loving them. LOL

[Vesuvius87]

In friendships, relationships, marriages, siblings, etc off course there is no unconditional love. They can still do something serious that would sever the relationship and cause us to go NC permanently.
If my mother hypothetically speaking (since it'll never happen) went into a frenzy attack like that, well she would have to be locked up and placed in a mental hospital permanently. That would be likely a serious mental illness, dementia or some delusions she might be having. My communication would be long-distance, away from her. Not because I hate her but because I would be too scared to be within arms reach.
Now if hypothetically speaking it was my son that did that, well that would mean I really failed him horribly during his upbringing, his early years. I'm responsible for the outcome of my son. Same thing, my communication is from long-distance, even in another state or country. My love remains though.

[molonski2]

Unconditional? What if your mother murdered your son or other way round? Same analogy.

[Vesuvius87]

Well I would be extremely devastated and isolate myself from FB permanently. They would have to be held accountable for their actions and need to stay locked-up. That being said, I can still visit them in prison each year, ask all my questions; starting with why. If it's my mother, I would wonder if there was any serious mental health issues. If it's my son, I would permanently wonder if I've failed him during his upbringing in his early years, ask him if my husband and I were good parents, what signs I might have missed, is his brain wired wrong (if so there is no cure for that) or he has mental issues, etc.
Off course that's hypothetical scenario given that my mother loves my son as if he was her child and would actually protect him with her life. If my son is raised right and with a loving environment, my son will grow up fine.

[molonski2]

Well , yes ( hopefully) it certainly is hypothetical, but you understand my point.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah it's been well understood. That's exactly what unconditional love (loving no matter what) is like to me towards my son or mother. I can still love and speak to them regardless of what happened... without enabling, covering up for them or supporting their wrong actions.

A real-life example I've once read is a mother that called the cops in tears to report her son that was about to cause a shooting spree. She turned him in herself. She still loved her son but didn't cover up for him nor bailed him out.

[NathanDavis]

"because it's so romantic..."

[Vesuvius87]

yeah they're only thinking about the initial infactuation stage where it's all about the wonderful feeling and they're perfect people without flaws, ignoring the fact that just romance alone isn't enough when it comes to fullfilling responsibilities, esp if there are kids involved.

[NathanDavis]

that's why older people divorce the most

[Vesuvius87]

yup. Older people are less likely to put up with unacceptable behaviors in spouses. I can't be taken for a fool anymore like my 19-20 year-old self was.

[Sammy098]

Unconditional was used in fairytales to show good their love is. In real life it doesn't exist. There is always a condition. If my partner cheats on me I will never be with her.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. As it should be. Cheating destroys relationships and marriages. If they can cheat once, they can already do it again.

[Sammy098]

True. And even if they don't cheat again the trust built was gone and it will never be the same

[Vesuvius87]

yeah it's never the same ever again. Those people that forgave and stayed with the former cheater never really got over it, not even when many years later passed. I'm willing to bet even if they magically did get over it, once drunk, every single hurtful feelings will resurface.

[Hunter-40m]

That kind of love exits in movies or novels

[Vesuvius87]

yeah it basically exist in fictitious stories. Even the marital vows is already a condition.

[Hunter-40m]

Exactly and to me love is a concept to be used to glorify the mutual emotional harmony between two people and there is actually nothing like love only the mutual habitual emotinal condition existing between two people

[LC75LC71]

That's the hope isn't it? Each try is or at least be a new roll of the dice.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah but unconditional love isn't the right term when applying it to relationships and marriages. There are still conditons that if they break, it can destroy the foundation of trust and you can stop loving them.

[LC75LC71]

All I'm saying is don't bring the past into the next try. By the way there's no such thing as unconditional love.

[exitseven]

Unconditional love is not sustainable.

[Vesuvius87]

Not in relationships and marriages, definitely not.

[Anonymous]

Maybe there is in some relationships.

[Vesuvius87]

Nope because you can't love a partner that were to abuse you, cheat on your with a friend, hurt a family member or even steals all your money.

[Opinion Owner]

I can't, and you can't, but maybe someone else can.

[jahaims]

They are stupid

[Vesuvius87]

I think they confuse the initial infatuation stage and think that's pure love in relationships and marriages, all about the high feelings and seeing your partner or spouse perfect without any flaws.

[RedInnocent69]

It’s aspirational

[Vesuvius87]

yet it's not realistic. Then if they abuse, cheat or someone notices unacceptable behaviors, that's when all the ''I'll love you forever to the moon and the stars'' goes out the window.