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The people who think it’s normal are often (not always but usually) the reason that divorce rates are so high in the west. I think having respect for your current relationship should be the priority. How is it truly respectful to remain friends with someone you shared a romantic and/or sexual history with? At some point that person was probably the most important person in the world to you, where now it’s supposed be your current partner. It’s very hard for it to not come across as weird in my opinion.
You hit on a huge point here priority and respect. Once someone becomes your partner, they should never have to compete with past history for that top spot. Do you think there's any exception where staying friendly is okay (like co-parenting or group friends), or is a complete clean break the only way to show true respect?
I think with co-parenting it’s normal and necessary to maintain a cordial relationship, I guess it could be on friendly terms in a respectful kind of way without having to be a real friendship. Just to help flow communication for the children’s sake while respecting your partner and the life you’re trying to build with them too. I guess if your new partner is open to getting to know the mother or father of your kids in that way and everyone is comfortable with it could be an exception.
That’s such a balanced and mature perspective. Setting that clear distinction between being 'cordial for the kids' versus actual close friendship makes total sense for protecting the new relationship. I really like how you articulated that! I'd love to chat more with you about this feel free to send me a private message!
It is weird not to. I am friends with all my exes, except one. It is what civil, mature adults do. If you can't do it, perhaps serious relationships are unsuitable for you.
Interesting point! But what about the ex you aren't friends with does that mean you weren't civil there, or are some boundaries just necessary?
My aim on GAG is to help you decode relationship red flags and green flags, and this one is… spicy 😏
Staying friends with an ex isn’t automatically toxic or cheating-adjacent. It’s all about boundaries, transparency, and how secure you feel.
If they hide chats, compare you, or run to the ex for emotional support, that’s a red flag. If it’s open, respectful, and you feel prioritized, that’s emotional maturity, not a dealbreaker.
Spot on about boundaries! But let's be real how many people actually keep it totally transparent without it getting messy eventually? 😅
Opinion
24Opinion
No it’s not healthy whatsoever, because it shows lack of respect to your new partner and it can easily make your new partner feel uncomfortable with the whole thing. I am not saying you have to be complete enemies with your ex if
You both ended on good terms , but your ex should not be anywhere near a priority in your life whatsoever, you should distance yourself from them as much as possible and do not make any plans to see them in person , to show respect to your new partner and to make your new partner feel safe and secure with you. An ex is an ex for a reason , so exempt them from your life as much as possible , especially if you t want your new relationship to be healthy and you want your partner to feel safe with you. People that keep exes in their lives are people that are selfish that only truly care about themselves , it has nothing to do with trust it comes down to respect for you and your new partner period. If your ex was such a great person , they wouldn’t have been your ex to begin with. So why choose someone that just likes the convenience of you , over someone that wants to make you their priority? So distance yourself from your ex as much as possible , so you can focus on someone that chooses you only.
People are all different and we don't know you or your ex and we don't know your ex"s ex
Braking up as friends i would hope everyone could do that..
But the moment you get in to a new relationship just out of respect you would distance yourself from your ex.
Not unless less you have kids together there will always be some form of contact
But to start a new relationship and hanging out with an. Ex. The new relationship won't last very long because its disrespectful
100%. Breaking up peacefully is great, but maintaining that same closeness while trying to build a future with someone new is just asking for trouble
in my opinion it's not healthy to stay friends with your hookups and exes if you're serious about creating a healthy, loving relationship with someone.
Fair point on building a solid foundation! 🎯 But do you put past hookups and exes in the exact same category, or is keeping a hookup around even worse than keeping an ex?
Makes sense. Once physical lines have been crossed, it’s rarely just 'platonic,' and it usually creates unnecessary doubt for a new partner.
It depends on the breakup and how the two feel about each other.
My ex-wife of 20+ years of marriage and I still get along, though I wouldn't call us good friends.
Fair point! But if the breakup was mutual and friendly, do you think it's still fair to pull back a bit once a new partner enters the picture?
Yes. In 80% of cases it ends disastrous for the person they are in current relationship with.
In my experience "friendship" with ex ends in cheating of current partner or in total war where one ex tries to discredit and to blame another one among common friends. Personally I tried this particular type of friendship two times, since I'm not a cheater it ended in total war both times after they recognized it's really over from my side.
From my perspective if my partner was a good friend with an ex and they didn't declare war on each other in lass than 3 months I would be pretty sure they fuck behind my back. So I would let this guy and find someone who fits better for me, because he obviously find someone already in his ex.
80% is a heavy stat, but your 'total war' experience makes a lot of sense! 😅 In your case, do you think the war happened because they still held feelings, or was it just bitter ego after the final breakup?
No it’s not. The person is an ex for a reason. Unless you have children together, aside from maybe a business together, there’s no reason you should keep in contact w an ex. Chances are if things are going well between the two of you who do you think she’s going to turn to. Probably him because he already knows a lot about her. If you’re ok w it that’s on you. But if not then you need to speak up. Whether it’s insecurity or whatever women want to say against a mango doesn’t like this doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t put my girl in a position she want comfortable w, prickly if I care about her. Something not right about a girl keeping in contact w all her exes. More than likely the man she ends up w is more feminine if he doesn’t have an issue w his girl keeping in contact w all her exes. Mature people also set boundaries unless they truly don’t care about her doing that.
You made a valid point here—respecting your current partner's comfort level should always come first. If it makes them uncomfortable, why force it?"
Exactly. If you care about the person you shouldn’t make them do things they’re not comfortable w or put them through things they’re not comfortable w. A lot of women tend to shame men for being”insecure.” But you also need to set those boundaries for yourself as well if you’re not ok w things like that. Otherwise you’re going to get rubbed over. If I’m being honest, a lot of men who are like that end up w women who run the relationship. Eventually she moves on because he’s not masculine enough for her. It all comes down to respect for one another.
You hit the nail on the head regarding self-respect! 🎯 But where do you draw the line between setting a healthy boundary vs. being overly controlling
I don’t think there’s nothing wrong w not wanting your girl to keep tabs w her ex. That needs to be made known in the beginning of what both people are looking for in a relationship. At the same time you can’t expect that from her while still keeping in contact w your exes. I’m sure there’s plenty of women who feel the same.
100% agree that setting expectations early saves everyone time! But what if a partner says they agree in the beginning, and then breaks that rule later on? 😅
Then you walk. You have to stick to your boundaries. Because if that happens that means she doesn’t respect you. Respect is everything to a man. If she does something like that it means she doesn’t fully respect you, which means she doesn’t really love you in that way. If you standby and let it happen then she’s going to test or break a lot of other boundaries you’ve established for yourself.
No second-guessing at all Then you walk!' 🎯 Clear boundaries and zero toleration for disrespect. Appreciate the solid perspective!
As crazy as it sounds, but if you can walk w out looking back, w out groveling it gives you the upper hand. I’m not saying to abuse that in a relationship. But the thing is that when the man acts like a bitch, crying to her, telling her don’t leave I’ll change, giving her everything she wants, she knows she can do whatever she wants because she has him wrapped around her finger. She has no real respect for him. Eventually she will get tired of him and either cheat on him or leave him because deep down a majority of women want a man to be a man, to be masculine, to lead, maybe even put her in her place if need be. I don’t mean beating her up or something like that. She will have more respect for you as a man if she knows you’re not going to put up w her nonsense. But at the same time you need to make sure your ducks are all in a row as the saying goes. You can’t expect her to follow your lead if you’re all fucked yo yourself whether that’s finally or cheating or things like that.
I think it imposes a high burden on the new partner. At the least some of the emotional intimacy that belongs to the new is going to the old.
Since there is a history of sex between them, there is always the possibility of for old times sake events.
That's a really perceptive take. If someone is giving that emotional space to an ex, do you consider that a form of micro-cheating, or just poor boundaries?
That 'all of the above' risk is exactly what makes people uncomfortable. When emotional reliance stays with an ex, it leaves very little room for a new relationship to grow. If you caught a partner doing this, would you try setting boundaries first, or is it an automatic dealbreaker?
I think you should take it as a deal breaker as you don't have the classic guy-girl deal. On either side of the gender fence we would want a new partner to see us as making valuable contributions to their life; If an ex is seemingly more valuable than it kinda leaves you out in the cold.
I put it depends cus it does. If the relationship is over and the feelings are gone and you’re still friends then I think I like that. It’s a sign of total honesty. But at the same time if it was a new relationship I would definitely feel awkward with it until I became comfortable
Fair point! The logic makes sense, but the feelings take time to catch up. Respecting that initial awkwardness and giving it time is key.
Personally I never would not , and have followed that my entire life , so I can't tick either of those options , it's just the adult thing to do..
Life is too short for bullshit..
Facts! Clear boundaries zero bullshit. Simple as that.
If your ex is a true “friend” he or she would understand the need for distance once a new relationship starts.
Because staying involved in each other’s lives will always create drama when certain patterns are repeated.
When you’re reminded of why you feel for them to begin with, and so you start to wonder if it’s not too late to fix.
Ending on good terms is a sign of maturity for sure
But another one would be keeping clear of each-other’s lives
I wouldn't expect my SO to block and erase an ex from her life.
But I would have a strong problem if she was to stay even friends with her ex. Let alone close friends.
Just keep the ex as "someone she knows". Thats good enough.
Same goes the other way around for me. I behave the same with my ex.
That’s a really healthy middle ground. Keeping an ex as just an acquaintance rather than a close friend or completely erasing them shows maturity and respect for your current relationship! I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on this, send me a message and let's chat!
Wouldn't care. Over is over, there's nothing to stress about.
That’s top-tier peace of mind right there! Wish more people had that level of trust and confidence.
If he/she is your ex they don't belong in you life.
Straight to the point! I respect the no-gray-area policy. Do you feel like keeping an ex around always leads to drama, or is it purely about total respect for the next person?
Exactly no point whatsoever
100%. Moving forward means closing that door completely.
It shows they are a healthy well-adjusted person.
That’s a refreshing perspective amidst all the 'burn the bridge' comments! 😅 What makes it a sign of being well-adjusted to you, rather than just unresolved feelings?
Well-adjusted people can hold the ideas 'I like person A and they are a good person' and 'I will never be with person A'. That's what being an adult is all about, right?
I think it is best to move on. After all how would it make your new girlfriend or boyfriend feel
That’s a huge point that a lot of people ignore how it actually makes the current partner feel. Respecting their peace of mind should come first. What would you do if you started dating someone who insisted their ex was 'just a best friend'?
No one should try to have a relationship if they are close with an ex. Flee.
It can be. Some people split because they no longer have romantic feelings for each other and work better as friends. Not all breakups are bad. I'm relatively close to 2 of my exes.
Not sure about this one. More inclined to think that it is a red flag if she keeps contact with her ex. It might very well be indicative that all is not so over after all!
100%. That's the main worry right there. If someone is still holding onto an ex, it usually means the door isn't fully shut and a new partner shouldn't have to compete with a ghost.
It can show maturity, and you should be able to tell pretty quickly if it is that or some lingering hope.
Fair point! It takes a high level of maturity and trust for that to work. But like you said, you have to be paying close attention to whether those boundaries are actually being respected.
Friends with an ex is emotional cheating at the very least.
Try it let us know 🤣
Why don’t YOU try it first and drop the review? I’ll wait. 😂
I didn’t ask the question.
No, exes should be exes.
A lot of people stand firm on this! Do you think staying in touch always leads to drama, or is it just unnecessary?
So you're saying there's a tiny exception after all? 😂 You sound like fun to debate with. Shoot me a message, I'd love to chat properly!"
Blame the app's anonymity system, not me! 😂 Drop a way to reach you so we can keep talking.
Nothing wrong with it, as far as I know.
You're definitely braver than most of us! 😂 No lingering awkwardness at all?
If there's no hatred between you, what's wrong with staying friends?
It's not about hatred, it's more about boundaries and respect for the new partner. Even with zero bad blood, staying super close can make a new partner feel like a third wheel.
Yes it's a deal breaker unless they co-parent
Exactly! If there are kids involved, that's completely fair. But outside of that, keeping an ex around is a hard pass for me.
Yeah. My only exception
nope- these things never end well.
No room for exceptions at all? 😂 Has this been from personal experience, or have you just seen too many disaster stories?
Ah, so no first-hand experience! Wise to play it safe, I guess.
Fair point! That's actually a solid line, I'll give you that one! 😂 Prime spectator view.
Ah man, that's rough! 😅 Going back to the high school ex is a classic disaster scenario. Did you have a feeling she was still attached to him while you guys were dating, or did it completely blindside you?
Man, that level of physical reaction shows how deeply that hit you. That sounds brutal. If you ever want to talk more about how you got through that, feel free to send me a private message! 💬
I appreciate that but it was a long time ago and I had a lot of time to think about it. I was dealing with a lot of bad stuff in my life at the time and I imagine that I probably was not that much fun to be around. I guess I don't blame her for dumping me. still she could have been nicer about it.
That’s a mature way to look back at it. We all go through rough patches, but going through a tough time still doesn't mean you deserved to be hurt like that. Glad you're in a better headspace now!
Normally it's a red flag, but as long it was ended mutually & with peaceful non-drama reasons and they both be mature about it, there's no problem.
It might not work out as friends, I know I did something now she won't talk to me? :(
Anyone that has a toxic ex. Is toxic themselves. The make poor decisions
Ain't no way...
Ain't no way unless you enjoy fighting with your new partner every single weekend! 🤣
Block and unfollow!
Clear cut and simple! No room for confusion that way.
No, the opposite lol
Haha wait, don't leave me hanging! 😂 Why do you think it's actually healthy? What's the main perk of keeping an ex in the picture?
Definitely a deal-breaker
Unless you had kids together.
Fair point. Co-parenting is the main exception where staying in contact makes sense. Beyond that, keeping an ex as a close friend usually creates unnecessary drama and boundary issues for a new partner.
Absolutely
Its ok if you respect the boundaries...
100%. If everyone actually respects the boundaries and the new partner is comfortable, it can work
In my opinion it depends
It depends'! 😂 Give me an example what’s a scenario where it’s totally fine, versus a scenario where it’s a massive red flag?
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