How can I tell my strict Asian parents about my white boyfriend?

[user8363836393]

I’m in a difficult situation where i found the guy that’s perfect for me and i love him so much, we’ve been dating for almost 2 years (1 year and 7 months). I met him my junior year and he’s just been everything i wanted. The “problem” is he's white and isn't going to college. Not like that’s an issue in my opinion our lives just started and i don’t expect him to figure it out right away. My parents told me that when i turn 18 i can date, now they changed their mind and said every nursing school, (2-4 years). My dad has always been really uncomfortable with the idea of me seeing someone, even talking to a guy friend at school made him furious. he’s been able to make jokes about what kind of guys i like but when the topic is bought up from other relatives he gets uncomfortable. Recently me and my boyfriend have been arguing about my parents because he’s a huge family person while im not that close to my family. He wants me to introduce them or tell them that i have a boyfriend. As much as i want to i can’t because im scared and I've never even brought up any romantic ideas or anything. I’m mainly scared of losing their trust, being controlled and them judging my boyfriend. im also scared of losing my boyfriend because i know it’s frustrating to be kept a secret and he’s communicated that. Please help or give advice!

Updates

21 h

after nursing school* also i understand where my parents are coming from my dad was a teen parents and he’s been working really hard ever since.

Updates

10 h

he’s like exactly my type

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you untangle love, drama, and red flags without losing your mind… or your heart 💋

You’re in a classic culture-clash situation, and none of this means your relationship is doomed. Your feelings are valid, and so are his.

Be honest with him first: tell him you need a calm, strategic approach, not an emotional explosion. Let him know you’re not ashamed of him, you’re scared of your parents’ reaction and possible control.

Then warm your parents up slowly. Start by talking about “a friend” who is kind, respectful, working hard but not in college yet. Let them get used to the idea that success isn’t only college. Emphasize his values: hardworking, loyal, family-oriented. Asian parents love stability and effort more than race.

When you do tell them he’s your boyfriend, do it once you’re emotionally and financially safe enough to handle backlash. That’s not lovebombing, that’s protecting your peace.

If your parents react badly, that’s about their fears, not your worth. If your boyfriend truly loves you, he’ll be patient with the process instead of guilt-tripping or ghosting because it’s “not fast enough.” Patience from him is a green flag. Control from them is a red one.

You’re not a bad daughter for falling in love, and you’re not a bad girlfriend for being scared. You’re just stuck between two worlds, and that’s tough, but survivable.

[SueShe]

Your bio states that you are from the US and therefore, according to the US law, you are an adult and as such, you can do with your life whatever you want at that age. It is not important what your parents dictate you because you have to live your life.

Also, you don't seem to be too close with your parents and yet, you seem to be afraid of doing something that displeases them. Sooner or later, you will have to grow up and live your life the way you want and not the way your parents want you to live it.

On the other hand, this guy is just in that age group where his testosterone is dictating his behavior. What if in 2 years, he is no longer interested in you? There is a big likelihood that this may happen. Then what?

You have no other option than to have a serious discussion with your parents and that you want to live your own life, even if it means making mistakes. Good luck.

[user8363836393]

I may be legally an adult but i’m still treated like a kid. I’m not necessarily close to my parents but we do have somewhat of a relationship, where we are able to joke and tell stories. I really want to grow up and do the things i like but u can’t because they’re always worried about me and that stops me from doing things i want to do. I’ve was just able to start hanging out with friends this summer.

[user8363836393]

also what do you mean he’s at that age where testosterone is dictating his behavior?

[SueShe]

That is the age, usually with the start of puberty, when boys are ruled by their sexual hormones and will do practically anything to get into the pants of a woman.

[Curmudgeon]

@DryGermanGuy beat me to it, but demonstrate that this guy is successful and established in a lucrative career, and the parents might just fold.

As for everyone else just telling the OP to rebel against her family, IT'S JUST NOT THAT EASY, ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT FAMILY AND THAT SUBCULTURE. You all have no idea how hard it can be among the second generation of Asian American kids with immigrant parents.

[user8363836393]

Thank you for understanding how difficult it really is! The problem is he isn’t going to college and he doesn’t know what he wants to do in the future.

[Curmudgeon]

@user8363836393 Then he had better GET one, if he is serious about you. It would help by leaps and bounds if he was going to go to med school, be an engineer, etc.

[Curmudgeon]

@user8363836393 You know, if he followed you into nursing school... Nurse Practitioners and Physician Assistants pay well, and IIRC they are the highest you can go in those kinds of schools short of getting an MD instead.

[user8363836393]

I’ve tried talking about what he wants to do in the future but he’s not in a hurry to find a career, he has a job but it’s not like a job you want to have until you’re 40. He told me months ago like he liked computer engineering or something related to that.

[Curmudgeon]

@user8363836393 Here's a question: are you going away for nursing school, or commuting from home? Obviously, you have much more leeway if you are in your own apartment / dormitory / etc.

[user8363836393]

i’m commuting from home, it’s more affordable and i’m closer to him

[Curmudgeon]

@user8363836393 OK, then you will have to tread lightly. Unless he has a place of *his* own

[Nikki1989]

If you aren't ready to introduce him, can you agree on a timeline or a milestone?

[user8363836393]

that’s a good idea but i don’t know how much longer my boyfriend can put up with this controlling thing from my parents stopping me from being free.

[DryGermanGuy]

https://youtube.com/shorts/i6SX-gZ3zK8?si=Shgvg3SyDqzO5cNv

[Anonymous]

Don’t let your parents own you. Be an individual and self-sufficient adult!

[Staximus]

I don’t know why Asians have such a problem standing up to their parents, just do it. You’re an adult now, live your own life

[user8363836393]

Even tho i am legally an adult im still treated like a kid. Standing up to my parents which i’ve done before for other topics gets you in trouble and they’ll start trying to control you more from my experience.

[Anonymous]

He shouldn't be trying to force an introduction to your family, but your parents shouldn't have a say in who you date as an adult.

[Anonymous]

What’s everything you wanted?

[user8363836393]

i’ve been in a toxic relationship before i met him and he’s been really mature about things compared to his friends. He’s sweet, thoughtful, funny, etc. Obviously we have our ups and downs but i don’t wanna picture a future without him

[Opinion Owner]

How do u both look? Is he close to your ideal type

[Opinion Owner]

What’s your type by the way? Why is he not marrying a white woman