He is moving abroad, is there any way to make it work?

[summerbreeze2012]

Hi there, I am a 30 year old girl from Ireland. I have recently started dating a guy (since December). I know it is early days but we are getting on so well. I have previously been in an 8 year relationship that ended 4 years ago and this is the first guy I have really fallen for. Have been on a lot of dates before but it takes a lot for me to stay interested in a person and this guy is just different. I know he is something special. We just really click and he feels the same. Anyway after a lovely weekend together, while on a date he told me he had made a really difficult decision. He has dropped out of college, was told there was no jobs in the course he was doing (we are both 30) and has decided to go and work abroad in New Zealand. Got offered a good job in construction. He has to go before he is 31 to get his working visa so he has decided to go in August (he turns 31 in sept). I know we are only seeing each other a few weeks but I was so disappointed when he told me. I told him he is doing the right thing as he can't get a job here but inside I was devastated. I really saw it going somewhere with him. The thing is what do I do now? Do I continue seeing him until he leaves or do I just call it off with him to prevent me getting hurt? I like him so much already, I can only see me getting more attached. He has told his family about his plan to leave and said I was the last person he wanted to tell so I know he found it hard too. He is planning to go for at least 4 years so it's not even like I can wait for him or go over and join him. What do you think of the situation? Thanks for your help.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks so much for all your advice, really helped! Going to have a chat with him this week and just be honest. We will keep in contact but know deep down a LDR is not going to work. Really appreciate your answers, makes the decision a lot easier:-)

[MrOracle]

Here's the reality: LDRs almost never work. Even with married people who are deeply committed, the loneliness and inevitable temptation usually wears someone down. Humans are designed for companionship, and you just can't really have that over a phone line, text, or even video chat.

You are setting yourself up for being hurt. In fact, it's already too late for that, so IMO, this is what you really need to decide for yourself:

- Do you stay with him until he leaves, and make a clean break then, or

- Do you break up with him right now?

Either way is going to because some pain, but you might get 6 months of joy if you stay with him until he leaves. Is that worth the additional pain? Only you can decide that.

But whatever you do, don't try to make a LDR work. He's going to be gone for an unknown length of time, so there's not even any light at the end of the tunnel to count on, so IMO you absolutely should not attempt a LDR. It comes back to the two choices above.

[Anonymous]

You still have till August so enjoy the time you have with him now. I wouldn't hold him back as he may end up resenting you for it, and there's a fair chance he'll come home after a few months. I had a LDR relationship and it was really hard because I missed her so much. It ended after 3 months and I couldn't handle another LDR any time soon, and can't recommend them. I think LDR are only feasible for married couples and those with a defined future plan.

[Tamikaze]

Well, you do have until August to enjoy his company and if you two continue to connect and you really like him, who knows what could happen. He could change his mind about the job. I have seen many times where what we think will happen doesn't.

So, I would really hold off on becoming physical with him. Maybe that ship has sailed, but I would not be having sex with a guy if we were not in a committed relationship. I see no point in it unless the point is to become 110% in love with the guy and have your heart broken. Beyond that you obviously already like him so whether you stop seeing him now or later probably won't make it hurt less.

[Grace1904]

Hey this is a super old post, but I’m just curious with what happen with your situation? I’m in a very similar situation now, I really like the guy I’m seeing and I don’t want it to end, because I see a future with him. But I also want to try and avoid as much heartache as possible if it needs to end now.

[Anonymous]

I think you should keep seeing him while he's around. You don't know what will happen.

He might change his mind, or the two of you might get so close that going over with him becomes a realistic option. You simply don't know what the future can hold.

Relationships always hold the risk of pain. That's no reason to avoid them.

[Anonymous]

That would be really difficult, to be honest I'd give up. Maybe try to keep in contact, but LTR never seem to work very well.

[Saber6]

yup. it is possible.