Not enough alone time spent with boyfriend - Am I asking for too much?

[Ingrid422]

Hi guys. I hope you'll take the time to read my story below as I very rarely explain my situation in details on here. It would help a lot.

So my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 months now. We're very commited to each other, so we've met each others' family and close ones. We're both students at uni and my boyfriend is really busy. So am I, but I happen to have a bit more time than he does. As of late, we've nearly only spent time with each other while hanging out with his friends.

Our alone time has diminished a lot recently, so this week we have spent about an hour alone and the rest of it was with his friends or mine. I don't mind spending time with his friends but I wish he'd care to spend more time with me alone. It's like he's trying to do everything at once (seeing me, spending time with his friends, having a good time) so it makes me feel like he doesn't care about our intimacy.

The reason why I'm asking this now is because last night, we spent a long time with his friends (6-11 PM). After attending this event, we went out to eat some fast food. I asked him before we went to eat what he wanted to do afterward, just so our plans were clear. He wouldn't decide, so I left it hanging. He waited until the very last minute until he told me he would go back home and not come with me at my place.

I felt very hurt because it made me feel like spending alone time wasn't worth it to him. If he really cared about it, he could have easily skipped the eating out and decided to end the night with me only. It's like he just tried to get of of it. I feel like I'm making way more effort and compromises than him to make things happen and spend time with him. I'm wondering if and how I should introduce the matter with him.

[billy_young]

This is reeeaaallly long, but hopefully it is good solid advice, so please read on. It continues into several comments below.

taster makes a good point that on a positive note, he's clearly not ashamed of you at all and he thinks you fit in well with him and his friends. But obviously that doesn't help with your current problem.

I think you should definitely bring it up. My guess is that it hasn't even occurred to him - he doesn't even realize that you're not spending as much time alone together as you would like. Obviously, spending time alone together isn't a big priority for him, and it seems that sex isn't too high on his priority list either or he would definitely have gone home with you the other night. It might seem obvious to you that many couples spend a lot of time alone together and you would like at least one night a week or something where you can just cuddle up together and maybe get intimate, but he probably hasn't realized this.

It is very difficult to not be accusatory when bringing up a problem that you have with a relationship. I think the best thing to do therefore is to be a little bit accusatory, but also present a solution to the problem. The immediate solution in this instance is pretty simple - 'book in' some time with him when for just the 2 of you. I'm guessing that when you spend time with him and his friends, it's mainly something arranged, like a night out, or a trip to the cinema, maybe playing some sport or something? He fits those things into his schedule because they are pre-arranged - someone suggests something that he likes the sound of, he agrees to it, then works hard the rest of the time so he can fit it in. You need to do the same - suggest something nice for just the 2 of you to do together and book it in/arrange a time & date. You may feel that this shouldn't be necessary, but whether it should be necessary or not is irrelevant for the time being, because the fact is, it is necessary - that's why you wrote your question.

I suggest 2 things you could do together alone: have a romantic evening out or have a sexy night in (there's a chance that the romantic night out will lead to sex, but there's a difference between having sex at the end of a night and having a sexy night in as I'll explain below). Which one you go for depends, I would suggest, on how good the sex is on the odd occasion that you do have time alone. If it's always quite rushed, it's monotonous or it lacks passion and a spark, if it feels more like something that should be done than something you want to do, or if it doesn't involve a raw animalistic love and desire to be as close as possible to your partner, then I would suggest option 2 - a sexy night in. If the sex is generally brilliant and you both really enjoy it, feel really close, and have fun, then you can maybe go for option 1.

Option 1: A romantic night out. Tell your boyfriend that recently you feel you've not been spending as much time alone together as you'd... (continued)...

[billy_young]

...like and you feel that the romance is slightly suffering because of this (note the difference between "I feel we've not been spending as much time alone together as I'd like" and "I feel YOU've not been spending ENOUGH time alone with me" - wording is very important when it comes to not accusing him of anything which would automatically make him defensive). You could explain what you mean a little bit, perhaps giving the example of the other night and again be careful not to accuse him, ...

[billy_young]

...and explain that you want to spend more time with just you and him so you can feel closer to him and you would prefer more intimate time too. That part should be a short explanation if at all. Then say "So, I wondered if we could do something romantic sometime this week - maybe go out to the cinema and for a meal like we used to, or go for a walk in the country together - are you free sometime to do that?".Make sure he enjoys it as well as you, and afterward, say how much you appreciated...

[billy_young]

...him dedicating his time to you. Now that you have brought the subject up, he will hopefully be more aware of it, and if not, you can continue along the line of 'booking him in' for evenings alone, even if you don't always do something ultra-romantic and date-like, you can still book an evening or a day for the 2 of you to be alone.

Option 2: a sexy night in. If what you really want is more time getting close to your boyfriend and having fun in the bedroom then go for this option. There...

[billy_young]

...are 2 approaches you could take to this. Either, pre-arrange it, 'book him in' for a night of sex, by saying something like "I feel like we've not spent much time 'getting intimate' recently, so I wondered if we could make some time for it later this week?" OR wait for an evening when you definitely have nothing planned and surprise him. For example you could turn up to his house dressed very sexily and say "I feel it's been too long since we had some 'alone time' so I've made an effort -...

[billy_young]

...you ought to see the underwear I'm wearing ;)", or you could go over to his to hang out, then when he goes out of the room to the toilet or something, strip off to your underwear or completely naked and be waiting on the bed for him when he comes back. I think the first choice is a safer option. It's obviously less spontaneous and people can think that means it won't be exciting, but just because you've planned when it's going to happen, doesn't mean that what you do when you get started...

[billy_young]

...it can't be very exciting, spontaneous and fun.

I hope I've answered your question and I hope this helps. Let me know if you want clarification on anything, and please report back if you do use any of these methods - I always like to hear if my advice worked or not.

Good luck :)

[Ingrid422]

Thank you for this in-depth answer. I really appreciate it. It soothes me to read that you think "it hasn't even occurred to him - he doesn't even realize that you're not spending as much time alone together as you would like". I keep second-guessing myself and our relationship, I'm crying and depressed while my boyfriend doesn't even have a clue yet that my feelings are badly hurt. It's hard for me to plan on dealing with that with my boyfriend because I don't know how to do these things.

[Ingrid422]

It scares me to accusate him of anything because I'm afraid it'll ruin our relationship but, at the same time, I know it'll make me unhappy if I don't. What I find difficult is not to be able to measure how strong our relationship is and how genuine our feelings for each other are right now. Someone down below said that my boyfriend probably doesn't even love me if he doesn't make it a priority to spend time alone with me. Can we take the clash at this point, that's what I can't quite figure out.

[Ingrid422]

So as you can see, my boyfriend and I are both really new to relationships so our prioties and preferences when it comes to that are hard to evaluate. I want to give it a shot but part of the problem is that I can't tell if my boyfriend gives us that little alone time because a) he doesn't know what I expect in our relationship b) he doesn't expect as much as me c) he doesn't care aka he doesn't love me. That's what I feel most uncomfortable about.

[billy_young]

The fact that it has already got to the stage where you are crying and depressed without even telling him isn't good. You should have talked to him about it before now. It's not any harder to change things now, but you've been miserable for a while when you could have sorted it earlier. Men aren't mind-readers, so he probably doesn't know that you're at all upset. It's best not to accuse him of anything which is why I said you should phrase what you say in a way that doesn't blame him, but...

[billy_young]

...does make it clear that you aren't 100% happy.

I don't think he doesn't love you. I'm sure her does, that's why he likes spending time with you, even if it is with his friends. But you're right, it could be a) or b). The only way to find out is to basically ask to see him more in a subtle way and see if he happily does see you more often, or if he keeps making excuses not to see you. Hopefully it will be option a) and as soon as he realizes what your expectations are he will change :)

[billy_young]

Thank you for 'best answering' me :)

[Ingrid422]

lol you're welcome. It helped a lot actually. I think everything is going to be okay after all. I waited until I got over my emotions and then texted my boyfriend "I miss spending time with you only. Can we make up for it this week?". He replied "Me too I want to spend time with you :( I'll call you tonight! xxx"

I might try to elaborate on the subject once he calls. I'll sure be careful not to blame him but I think he should know that the matter is important enough to hurt my feelings if neglected.

[billy_young]

Hi, could you do me a quick favour pls? I'm in the final round of a competition to volunteer round the world for a year. You can see my entry at: www.gvi.co.uk/round-world-gvi-tom-mower (I'm Tom Mower, I have a fake name on GAG so I can talk openly)

The winner is decided by a vote on Facebook link until THIS FRIDAY 18th May. So could you do me a huge favour and vote for me? It only takes 30 seconds and I would really appreciate it!

Thanks! :D

[Ingrid422]

Done! Good luck!

[billy_young]

Thank you :)

[taster]

Sounds odd to me...when I was in a new relationship I wanted to spend every minute possible with my woman...and definitely wanted to snuggle up with her in the iron dark...whether we had sex or not...and I wanted that too! Not sure what to make of this but it certainly doesn't sound like he is head over heels in love with you...or maybe taking you for granted? Still... guys try to get a woman alone so they can do sexual things with them..one good thing is that he is obviously not ashamed of you..if introducing you to family & friends..one of the warning signs is when your boyfriend/girlfriend does not introduce you to their friends & family...(:

[vmw2008]

I think you should bring the matter up, but in a calm non-accusatory way. You could simply describe the story from last night to him, and say that this has been happening a lot lately and you're beginning to feel unhappy. In addition, I would also start pulling back some of your own just to maintain some independence and not feel so invested in what he's doing This can be difficult but it's worth it. When he feels that your time is not so readily available to him, he may make more of an effort to see you and do the things you want to do (alone time).

[billy_young]

I agree with you that the matter should be brought up in a calm non-accusatory way, but feel that telling the story from last night and saying that it happens a lot is fairly accusatory.

I've never been good at pulling back to maintain independence so I do feel that is good advice. Although as Ingrid is spending time with her friends too, I don't think it's too much of a problem yet... certainly worth bearing in mind though.

My biggest disagreement with you though is your advice... (continued)..

[billy_young]

...to make herself less available to him. In my opinion, playing 'hard to get' 5 months into a relationship wouldn't work. If I was her boyfriend and she started all of a sudden making excuses not to see me, it wouldn't make me want to see her more, it would just make me feel like putting in less effort to see her. At least that's what I would consciously think. Maybe subconsciously it would work but I'm not convinced.

I'm not saying that you're wrong, just that coming at it with my viewpoint...

[billy_young]

...I disagree with some things you said.

[vmw2008]

I don't consider that playing hard to get though? Many relationships fail when one person is too busy to give their partner the time they want and the other simply continues to get more and more upset about it over time. I've seen the best results when that partner simply gets more involved with friends/hobbies/work etc. Then he begins to value her time more and she doesn't feel so much resentment. Talking may solve all the problems, but in my experience it hasn't.

[billy_young]

Ok, I see your point now. Spending more time on hobbies and with friends and things as a way to equal out how much free time each partner has does make sense. You make a good point that it would reduce resentment, especially if he then has to make compromises on his time as much as she does on hers. So yes, if the aim is to even things out rather than to make it difficult for him to see her when he wants, your idea possibly would work :)

[ieatcows]

Im in the exct same boat. Mine has his friend over almost every day and he stays the night and they go to lunch together and he chooses it to be that way. I feel unimportant or like his friends are more important and he doesn't want to be alone