My boyfriend randomly private messages different girls on Facebook...

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost three years. - (Just to make clear; this is not some teenage romance we're both around 30 and really looking towards the future.) - He freely shared with me his email and Facebook passwords very early on in the relationship. I'd always said I'd never be a girl that snooped but when I became suspicious I found myself going into his FB & peeping around a bit. About a year in, I found out through an FB chatlog he'd been communicating with a girl he use to see. I confronted him; he apologized...begged forgiveness and said it would never happen again.

I've NEVER felt worried that he would physically cheat on me...BUT I do consider the call/text/chatting with the girl was cheating. He says its over and I believe him.

The problem is, I still have access to his fb and on several occasions I've found messages to other girls. Girls he use to hook up with (checking in on them); other girls he sends flirty jokes to; and even once to his ex saying he wish he could call her for advice (one night after we had a fight). It's never suggestive or proposing actual dates but I am completely uncomfortable with the situation. I've brought it up again. He said he'd stop but it continues. He's just quicker to delete them after sending. In one message he even asked the girl for her number!

I love him immensely, I hate snooping so much, but the more I see the more I feel the need to check. I just can't understand why he needs to be sending these messages out to random girls so frequently. Please guys & gals...what should I do?

[Anonymous]

So you're insecure enough in yourself that you abuse the privilege given to you (stupidly I admit, it's completely incomprehensible as to why a guy would have to give someone access to his email and fb accounts - these are personal items, and even asking for them divulges a very odd relationship to begin with), and now you wonder why you are having these thoughts? What sparked your suspicions in the first place? Why would you suddenly feel the need to read his fb? Was there an actual trigger, or did you just get scared into it by someone else’s experience?

Plain and simple - if he's sleeping with someone else, and you are not OK with that (few are), then dump him and move on. In the world of digital media, conversations are recorded, whereas previously, flirting with the opposite gender was not as much persecuted as there was no trace thereof (and somehow everyone still had good relationships), while now there are suddenly "norms" appearing which were moot before -

Who cares what he does unless he actually physically cheats on you? Flirting with the opposite gender without the intention and action to part-take in an affair has never been equal to cheating. Believe it or not, that’s pretty much a given way for men and women to interact. We are opposite genders, and we are biologically meant to procreate. Society (this particular one) can pose certain restrictions on whether one should act on these natural instincts, but are you really going to draw the line at pre-physical contact? OR will it be at viewing erotic materials for ones own enjoyment? Or maybe fantasizing about whatever/whomever during self/partner love making? Those are all things in a person's head. Unless you want to control their brain (maybe implant a little zapper that shocks him every time he thinks of anything but profound love for you), you have to leave the intangible (read - no physical contact with another human being) exactly that way - in the mind. Unless acted upon (again, read - he actually went out and slept/had intimate relations with someone or made concrete plans to do so), you can let it be. This is not “where there is smoke, there is fire,” nothing is happening, he is just talking to folks. Unless you have actual reasons to believe he will act upon these notions (and you won’t until it happens) you can either trust him, trust yourself and not let it get to you, or decide that this is too much and leave the relationship. The latter will always be a result of paranoid thinking. Unfortunately, there are no set in stone rules. But if you wind yourself up enough, you can very well convince yourself, or scare yourself into breaking off something that was never going to turn sour, except in your mind. Consider the fact that your behavior may or may not provide the needed catalyst for his actions, and while one may say "well, it's his doing anyway, the way you feel doesn't matter," in the end, no action remains without reaction -

[newlife1011]

Ok here is the way I see this one... first off he gave you the passwords early because he thought he could trust you, like he had nothing to hide. My question to you though is why you became suspicious? His actions or attitude to you change? If you became suspicious that he may be cheating on you, why not physically? Now... he apologized to you, yet he just became more careful on it. Red flag on him asking for a girls number! I get the feeling he wanted to talk to the ex, not for the reason of advice, but knowing that you can track the number so you would know that he was calling her. You do say you love him but if you truly loved him you would have trusted him. Don't get me wrong he is going behind your back even asking for a girls number so he isn't obviously telling the truth either, EVEN after he apologized to you but he continued his ways just more secretive. I think you love spending time with him, but trust is HUGE and must be completely present on both sides for it to work, and I just don't see that happening, and I don't see him ever changing that for you, since he already apologized to you since it "hurt you" but he shows a complete lack of respect to you when he continued to do it. I think its in your best interest to move on. I just feel like he is using you until "someone better comes along" as to why he is "prospecting" yet. There are guys out there who will be honest with you, who will love you and respect you for who you are and who won't use you. I feel bad for you but keep your head up as there are good guys out there, and I am confident you will find him when the time is right. Best of luck to you!

[vmw2008]

It's time to break up, even though I know it's the last thing you want to hear. I was in a very similar situation as you. I consider it cheating as well, and I heard all the excuses, all the promises, and all the "I love you so much I want to marry you" speeches. Believe me, it never ends. You'll eventually become so consumed with suspicion and distrust (which you have every right to feel) it will ruin the relationship. A harmless convo with an ex one time in which he promises never to do it again and keeps to that promise is one thing. This continued issue where he knows you're probably going to find it and just simply doesn't care, is quite another. If he were planning on stopping, he would've stopped a while ago I'm afraid. Guys like this are just not ready to commit to anyone, no matter how in love with the person they may be. It's not fair to yourself to put up with it when you could be finding someone better who won't cheat.

The worst part is? When I attempted to compromise with him and said "You're right, you're not out there physically cheating you're just having conversations. I did not realize that was allowed in our relationship so I hadn't been, but if you feel that is acceptable then we can adapt the rules." He got SO jealous and insecure! He started telling me he didn't want me doing things to get back at him and going out of my way to talk to guys. Lol so clearly this behavior is only OK when they get to do it, but they know you're being loyal. This guy is no different, he'd go crazy if you were doing the same things. Do yourself a favor and get out now!

[CrystalMinds]

If I were you, I'd pretend I know nothing for a while. Like randomly ask him if he's been mailing girls anymore and if he says no, say: oh I'm glad, good I can trust you again :) and give him a kiss or something.

Do that for a while, randomly asking, but I'd keep on checking his fb so you know if he's talking the truth.

If he's still saying no and keeps sending messages, then you know he's not worth your trust, no matter how much you love him.

If he breaks and says yes, tell him you're glad he told you the truth and that you'd appreciate it if he stopped.

If he says no and there are no messages, well, happy days then ^^

Good luck and stick up for yourself!

xoxo

[Anonymous]

everything you do, from acting confident, to trusting him, to spying on him and making him feel like he can't have a shred of privacy, will have some effect. Unfortunately, it's somewhat hard to predict what that effect will be. That’s how life works. Nobody on here can provide anything but a version of their own or someone else’s experience, and no two are alike, even if they seem to be similar. You should know that no two people are the same, and no one situation is exactly the same as another. Think for yourself.