My boyfriend is private messaging another girl on facebook. should I be concerned?

[Anonymous]

hi helpful people,

I'm a girl and I have a boyfriend - we've been dating for a year and a half. I'm concerned about something - maybe trivial, maybe serious. while he was checking his email in front of me, I glanced over briefly and noticed that he's been private messaging another girl on facebook... this struck me as odd because he's not the type of guy to make friends with women at all - he's said so himself and has no long term friends that are women.

about this girl: he was studying abroad for a few weeks and met her. he's since returned to the west coast/doesn't see her anymore.

i had the opportunity to go on his computer and find out what he was saying to this girl, who just so happens to be very attractive, but I didn't. I'm wondering if this is something I can ask him about without appearing jealous or creepy? or should I just let it slide and do nothing. the only reason I'm concerned is because he doesn't have any friends that are girls and they're privately messaging each other/not writing on eachother's walls. weird, huh?

so if you're a guy, tell me what reason you'd have for private messaging a girl you randomly met and if it's worth me making a big deal over.

please help!

[bjs09]

I think it's super cool of you that you didn't check his email behind his back or anything - good girlfriend award! I know it can be tough because if you care someone first you get jealous and then you get paranoid - you never know what could be happening.

I'm gonna try to break it down for you a bit though, just because I could easily be the other gil in this situation. First of all - even if he is flirting a bit with this girl - she's abroad, don't worry about it. Unless he is saying he loves her and cheating on you emotionally, you have nothing to worry about. Also - there's a big chance he's not even flirting : I was roommates with a guy I met abroad for two months and we send each other HUGE emails back and forth about tons of things but we don't flirt, there is no chemistry, we've never kissed, nothing. We just made a connection and like to know what the other is up to! She might be emailing him and he might be emailing back just out of respect - doesn't mean he's even interested in messaging her.

Unless you have reason to believe he might be steppin out (even if its only emotionally) - like he seems distance or uninterested in you, he flirts with other girls, has been going out without you - then I think you should let it go. Until you have reason to believe he might be pullin a fast one on you I wouldn't worry about it. :)

[Anonymous]

It is a big deal though I wouldn't say that you should make a big deal about it to your guy. Face it, if he is having some sort of flirtation with her or possibly had an affair with her, he isn't going to admit it.

I would check out what he is saying to her. My ex-boyfriend had a summer fling with some girl while traveling and when he returned he broke up with me. Now, the reason for the break up was not her and it ended up being for the best, but I had a sneaking suspicion something had happened and since he had just broke up with me I could not resist checking his e-mail. I don't honestly know that it was worth it for me to know about her, it did not change the fact we brokeup. However, when I told my therapist, in embarrassment, about having snooped, she quite matter of factly let me know that this was highly common behavior.

So, under normal circumstances I would not snoop on my guy, but if he was privately messaging some girl, I would want to know what is up so I could decide what was best for me. At best, you will find nothing is going on. At worst, you will find out something is going on and you can deal with it.

[Sarcastic]

I don't see why he can't talk to another girl without blasting it all over his facebook wall for everyone to see. I understand you are letting your insecurities get the best of you, please don't unless you have proof of his feelings changing towards you. The worst thing about us girls is we create our own problems that are not there. We always blame men for cheating because he's messaging someone yet when we are allowed to message guys? Be fair before accusing him. I wouldn't want you to lose something for being foolish and letting your demons get the best of you. Enjoy what's here and now, you're together until something really does arise to cause changes.

[aidsleen]

^^This

[Anonymous]

Girls, give us guys a break! Don't pester us and don't be so insecure!

Practical advice: You can causally discuss with him about his studies and then bring the other girl into discussion. Just discuss in general about his time abroad and is he in touch with his friends there.

Some comment in general! And if you think he plans to leave you for her, which I don't think is the case here, can you force him to remain with you? Will it be worth a relationship if his heart is elsewhere?

Don't make a big issue out of it, but you can discuss with him about her any time! Just be careful how you put it in words.

Why not add her as your friend on Facebook? Become her friend!

Why we would private message a girl? Why not. We are also humans and can have female friends, can't we?

[DanielSan]

If he was doing it in front of you he isn't trying to hide anything.

now you should talk to him and explain your fears because othewise your gonna keep this bottled up inside and that just won't do. Its best to be honest. just talk to him tell him your fears and just ask him about her. He shouldn't have anything to hide. And once you have the explination that she is just a friend blah blah...you should trust him and let him live his life. but youare human and you will feel jealous but you don't have a right to think he is cheating until he gives you a reason

[confused415]

I'd say confront him. Not so much in a threatening way, but openly. Who is this girl, what do you talk about? If he respects you and your relationship, he well assure you nothing is wrong and will show you the messages. But my next question is, if she is just a friend, why can't they openly comment on each others' pages as friends? Remember, a woman's intuition is almost never wrong.

[Littletad]

I think he should give you a better explanation. While it's true he wasn't hiding it, he's still doing it They only met briefly and yet he still keeps in contact with a girl he's most likely never to see again. That strikes me as odd. I see no reason why I should keep in contact with a girl I only met abroad if I got a girlfriend. Now if I was single, that's another thing. But let's turn this thing around, how would he feel if you were doing the same thing?

[newpeace]

Alright, so many people will tell you thAt your overeacting. I say, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would he react? I suggest Imming someone in front of him, even if it's a pretend attractive guy and see what he thinks. I bet he won't like it much, and thAt would give you a good conversation starter. If it doesn't well then, perhAps that is another problem.

[braindamage2]

If it's bothering you so much that you have to make a post about it you should definitely talk to him, just casual like "hey, so the other day I noticed you were talking to this girl on facebook, who is she?"

there's no point in beating around the bush just ask him. Just try not to get too worked up, my Boyfriend is super jealous and it sucks! But nothing wrong with a little reassurance now and then.

[aidsleen]

I disagree

trust is very important

and if he thinks you don't trust him, it could be bad

[braindamage2]

Yeah but if she doesn't actually trust him she shouldn't act like it..not sayin she should if it's not a big deal but you can't just hide how you feel

[Anonymous]

You're over reacting. He met her when he was studying abroad and they became friends. Just because they are private messaging instead of posting publicly does not mean they are doing something guilty. Lots of people prefer to have convos in private without the whole world watching simply because it seems like the normal thing to do.

If you can't calm yourself down then ask him one day if he still keeps in touch with anyone from abroad.

[Anonymous]

This is going to be long winded and possibly late in the game but here is my two cents. I have a boyfriend who I have a home with and a child with. Since we've been together, he talks to his ex, has naked pics of her on his computer still.. talks to other women he meets that are complete strangers he meets online and still has a dating profile because he "hasn't gotten around to deleting it". If you have a wife/girlfriend and you don't want her to leave your ass.. STOP TALKING TO OTHER WOMEN BEHIND THEIR BACKS. Be single if you want to mingle. If I did the same thing he's doing I'd be an adulterous whore.

[Americanman]

I would worry more if he was trying to hide it from you but I don't think he is if he was checking his mail right in front of you. If he was cheating or planning on cheating I don't think he would let that slip.

[kaicee2010]

even tho you saw it while he was with you most likely means he is not trying to hide anything I personnaly would FLIP out because I i promise you if the shoe was on the other foot it would be an issue. however since you let time pass leave it alone for now or say hey baby just wondering when you where checking your email I saw... and its been bugging me what's up with that should I be concerned

[Anonymous]

there's nothing wrong in having a pen pal and they live far away enough that nothing could ever happen with them. but I would confront him aobut this just to make sure nothing is going on that shouldn't be

[Asker]

Please give me some advice on confronting him... how should I bring it up? I don't want to seem like a stalker or psycho

[Opinion Owner]

I'm not sure, this is a touch situation. But if it was me, I think I would approach him somewhere along the lines of

"I think it's so great that you're still in touch with that girl you met while studying aboard. I know I'm horrible at keeping in touch with people especially when I've only known them for such a short time. I never know what to say. I guess I need to work on that. Do you guys talk about your experience aboard?" or something like that

[kreuz]

You were so lucky to study abroad. I wish I could also go abroad for studies. Did you make many friends while there? Are you still in touch with them? Where are they now? (Just appear as disinterested as you can :-)