There was a point in my life where I decided who I was going to be without thinking of the possibilities that could thwart the future image I had created in my mind. I didn't have much friends to start with and as the church became a major part of my life, my personal haven- those friends became non-existent.
My family disapproved greatly of the path I had chosen to take and soon I had to sneak out of the house to go to church. When my mother realised that hadn't work my clothes were her next target. She refused to buy any and what I did have looked so small that I'd have been the laughing stock in public.
That was the first hit to my bullet proof armor.
I continued to go occasionally when I could. I still prayed, I still read the bible and more importantly I knew the God I served was there with me, forgiving and listening when I felt the world was on my shoulders.
My grandmother died shortly after. Another hit to the bullet proof armor. I asked why. How could he let me suffer the heart break of losing one of the most important persons in my life? After all, I was faithful, always doing right by everyone even when they deserved less.
Was it all for nothing?
Highschool was another hit. Those people had zero interest in the bible and to fit in cost me who I was and what I believed in.
Then Doubt came knocking out what was left of that once bullet proof armor. Without that shield, I was accosted with the pleasures that sin allowed. Lying for instance became so regular on my tongue that it could often be mistaken for the truth.
As I continued further in the dark abyss of uncertainty, my love for the church died along with the girl I was once was. Praying became rare and that image I once saw became dead.
Was God even listening to me anymore, was he still there? Was there even a God? These questions came one after the other. I avoided the answers, hoping that he was still there. Ready to catch me if I fell too deep without any thought of getting out.
No angel appeared to save me from the self destructive path I was on. No wisemen, no rainbows...just me.
Just the girl who was trying to salvage what was left of the faith she once had. Maybe I still am that girl. Hoping that I'll find myself before it's too late.
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