Search Results: feeling left out

So when I was in 6th grade, a girl I had a crush on gave me a note in the hallway and quickly walked away. It was the classic "do you like me?" note with boxes to check for yes and no. I checked yes, and gave it back to her. From then until the end of middle school, we were together. We'd sit next to each other in class, hold hands at lunch, and hug before we left school every day.

Problem was, as much as I liked her, I was terrified of girls at the same time. Every time she told me she wanted to kiss or to go out on a real date, I would clam up and not be able to answer or look her in the eye. From an outside perspective I'm sure that sounds adorable, but in hindsight I can only think "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" Throughout middle school, I started feeling more and more guilty for not being able to give her what she wanted, even though she was very patient and understanding with me. Honestly, that probably just made me feel even more guilty.

When it came time for the end of middle school we ended up being assigned to different high schools, and at a low point, I decided that was when I would break up with her, thinking she'd be happier with someone who actually had the guts to kiss her. My dumb 11 year old ass told her it was because we were going to different schools, thinking for some reason that it would spare her feelings. I immediately regretted it and have ever since, but I stuck with my decision and avoided her and any eye contact with her for the last few days of the school year, and ignored her when she wanted to talk to me. I never saw her again after that.

Fast forward 14 years, and I'm still not over what I did to her, even though it was just some silly middle school breakup. I almost never remember my dreams, but among the ones I do remember about half of them are about me meeting her by chance and apologizing to her.

I'm running out of space here, I'll continue in the opinion section. Sorry about the wall of text.