Search Results: feeling so disconnected

I’ve twice been in a position where I wanted to break up but my girlfriend who didn’t do anything wrong. It really was more of a “it’s not you it’s me” thing.

I did option B years ago and deeply regretted it. As twisted as it sounds I acted douchey on purpose (acting disconnected and taking her for granted). Truth is I deeply loved her as a person but I wanted to make it easier for her to move on. I could of dropped the axe earlier but instead I drove her into breaking up with me. Noble intentions or not above B actually ended horribly (complicated). I thought we had a mutual respect/understanding at the end. But she looked at me like I was less than human later.

So years later when I was in the exact same position again I choose option A. My then girlfriend went nuclear and threatened to seriously kill herself. In a way she proved my deep down suspicions that getting serious with her was a bad idea. Her reaction made me feel like I made the right decision. I got over that one much more quickly. But I also got to deal with some guilt that I did at one point get her hopes up.

I feel like break ups are a zero sum game.

I recall the first time I recognized evil... it was front page Susan Smith... lying about what happened to her 2 kids when in fact, she'd sent them to their death. The twisted distorted image I saw was the worst printing job ever for her emotional expression was of conflicting emotions. I wish I'd saved that newspaper...

Not long after, I had my own experience with feeling really hurt, disrespected... more than ever. My values were in the wrong place and as I ruminated the thoughts became evil. Evil meaning, harm others.. and not care. It was scary to observe, I was a "good" person. I discovered how anger is like a drop of dye in water... it shades everything.

I'd had a good life compared to many, but that doesn't matter when your core value is torn to shreds!

I told my boss I was taking a leave...3 weeks. Out of that... I found "Christ" for I saw the value in what He did... to save me from ruin. That started a process of healing a wounded heart that started in early life. It took decades. One persons solution may be different than another, that's fine. The answer here ultimately... responsibility.

My evil was rooted in sadness and despair. It was fuel for bad actions. Can you relate?

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I think fundamentally... the essence of evil is the lie... that is we are separated from our root energy... aka "God/love". It's a lie, but believing it... leads to all forms of debauchery... aka "Evil"... in all forms. some worse than others. That disconnect... is sadness.

There is evil, and thus good. I hope you can use such awareness to better yourself and better engage your fellow man (kind)... some of which, is suffering and crying out to be heard.