Being a DA female

[Anonymous]

As empty as my soul lol

I'm a DA female. I just want to rant about being so misunderstood..my whole teenage years I was called a bitch and cold. A prude because I never dated and it used to hurt me a lot though I pretended that it doesn't.

I was so confused about why I could never date and why I always felt so disconnected. I could only feel one thing and that was anger. As I grew up into my early twenties I was still single. No matter how many men asked me out or showed interest, I saw it as an inconvenience.i hated when I was sexualised, when I was called attractive or when anyone hit on me. I felt like a piece of meat and it didn't help that those guys never really liked anything about me except my face.

For the longest time I thought I was asexual. I met a guy who was someone I wanted to try dating at least once in my life. But I treated him so badly. He would ask me out and I'd say yes and then have cold feet. He tried for 2.5 years and in the end I broke his heart and never spoke to him again. I went out with him once where i didn't speak a single word.. I absolutely loved him but i didn't know how to express it. If he double texted me I would get this strange feeling of being suffocated. I knew I couldnt love him the way he needed to be loved. I would hurt him because he wanted more. More physical stuff and emotional stuff. I couldn't provide it, it was asking too much of me. See I didn't grow up with a lot of freedom, it was the first time I could do whatever I want and so I couldn't stay and waste that freedom. I am so young... I don't want to make a mistake when it comes to love. I know the person you choose makes or breaks your life. They are one of the longest investments you will have of your peace of mind, patience and your mental health.

I rely entirely on my thinking because I'm not able to gauge mine or other people's feelings. So I would tell people to tell me exactly when something is wrong because I literally cannot tell when someone is avoiding me,angry at me or even happy. Nothing sacres me more than someone relying on me. I thought something was wrong with me. Finding my attachment style saved my life. This need for academic success and the hyperindependence has destroyed my happiness.i push people away so hard and when they come back I don't respect them..because whose that spinless?..and then I cut them off completely.

I've realised that the best thing I can do is to not date till I've solved this. I have good days and bad. I try so hard to change but sometimes I think... why should I love and care?... what's wrong with being me staying the same?.. then something bad happens like me ignoring friends birthdays, avoiding calls, not leaving my room, and also breaking hearts,leading people on for some quick validation and the look on people's face makes me HATE myself. The guilt makes my skin crawl. It makes me stonewall like crazy and gaslight and ignore.

I realised my words were empty. I could say I love you without meaning it,plan a future with you and act like I love someone while secretly feeling like I'm drowning. I would keep it in my heart till one day it becomes so bad I run away. And I would run away all the time. From men, health problems,family problems and any minor inconvenience. I know my upbringing made me this because I see a lot of my father in me. Why is it so easy for me to say I love you to someone that means nothing to me??... why is it harder to be affectionate to someone I genuinely like? Why do I feel like it means too much amd that's its embarrassing to tell or show someone you like them?.

I promise that I'm trying to change. I use a feel wheel for God's sake to understand what I am feeling!. Mostly overwhelmed and suffocated. I want to change my life. I am tired of running. I think I've changed after doing the inner work and something mildly triggering happens and I'm back to square one. I feel like I'm wearing a mask where I socialize and have friends and act fun and make jokes but when I am alone, I don't think of other people,out of sight and out of mind.

[DizzyDesii]

I wasn’t even aware of attachment styles until this summer. But damn what you wrote is deep. I thought I was asexual in HS but only because of my low sex drive. I’ve always been boy crazy yet I saw sex as a chore or a means of reproduction. Nothing pleasurable per say.

As for freedom, i was allowed too much of it but always turned it down. My mom would even encourage me to get out and do more “wild” things but I wouldn't (aside from certain guys I dated). When you said you can’t provide the emotional support, for me, thats just if someone is feeling sad/depressed. I’m not good at comforting others. I can sympathize but not empathize. I was also all about academic success and achieved it. If only I had that same motivation in the workforce.

I also ignore people’s calls/visits and will even stare at them through the blinds while ignoring their knocks at the door. Idc, people have gotten used to my ways. I don’t talk to people until I’m good and ready. I am unfortunately a heartbreaker more than not but I don’t lead people on. People choose if they want to continue pursuing us after learning our ways. Thats on them. They took the risk. I agree about the drowning part. I often feel trapped. I fall for people easily but I do not love easily. Yet i fall out of love easily and often because I feel trapped like they’re not who I thought they were. So what, it happens.

At least you tried. The problem is, you are two different people. One in front of others and another alone. You’re not secure or confident in who you are. I am. I don’t intend to change and I make that known because I like that I’m set in my ways. I’m the same person here that I am anywhere else. Some people can’t handle that.

I’ll restate what I said on another post. “I am also considered dismissive avoidant but I disagree with having difficulty being vulnerable. I’m pretty open (not secretive) and trusting until you give me a reason to no longer trust you. I don’t intentionally seek brief relationships but I will end shit early if I realize you’re not who I thought you were. I don’t think my standards are high, I just refuse to settle. I don’t shut down when triggered. I just snap then cut you off. I already know I’m judgmental and love myself more than I should. I definitely had to learn to rely on myself but yet I don’t like others relying on me though I love feeling needed. I value a relationship more than a career, but I also don’t let one interfere with the other. Its called balance and multitasking. I only seek flaws if it feels too good to be true. I can be bossy but never had to be controlling because a lot of the people I tend to date were submissive anyways. I don’t need a relationship, but I like being in one. I’m emotionally distant outside of a relationship, yes. I don’t fear intimacy, I just don’t give it up easily.”

Here is where I and other GAGers talked about our attachment styles—

What’s your attachment type and how do you deal with it?

[myTake Owner]

I feel seen honestly, I agree with many things that you have said and the part where you mention the 2 versions is right. I can't be exactly who I am because society will not agree or accept me. I am a female born in an Asian country. I am constantly and consistently told that being my authentic self makes me masculine, a player (even tho I don't pursue romantic relationships or date) and undesirable as a partner/child and parent. Even though I'm surrounded by educated individuals, culture and societal norms are very difficult to change. I CANNOT afford to be my authentic self. i cannot explain my cultural norms through words as most are just learnt involuntary. But I agree with 99% of what you have said.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you so much for the link.. I feel every word in my soul like it's my story.

[DizzyDesii]

Just know you’re not alone. Its good to find those who can relate and better understand what you’re going through.

[DizzyDesii]

Even in America we are told that being less feminine will make us undesirable but they’re wrong. Plenty of guys are still into me. You have to tune out society. Its much easier to do once you’re 21+.

[OlderAndWiser]

No idea what you're talking about. I tried googling DA and got dumb ass, district attorney, drug abuse, domestic abuse, dental assistant, dead animal and I'm guessing that's not really what you're talking about.

[myTake Owner]

For those asking:
For avoidant adults, social interactions and bonds remain on the surface. In order for a relationship to be meaningful and fulfilling, it has to become deep. That’s when you would ‘hit a wall’ when dealing with avoidant attachment style and relationships.

These individuals will let you be around them, but will not let you in. They tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. As soon as things get serious, dismissive/avoidant individuals are likely to close themselves off.

At this point, such people might try to find a reason to end a relationship. They might be highly annoyed by their partner’s behavior, habit, or even physical appearance. Consequently, they start drifting off and distancing themselves from the partner. Adults with this attachment style believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.

[Whatthefluff]

OP, this still doesn’t explain the meaning of the abbreviation.

[Count_de_Monte_Volo]

Oh, I think DA stands for “dismissive/avoidant” based on reading the description in the reply.

[myTake Owner]

@Whatthefluff means a Dismissive Avoidant.

[strateguy632]

i guess fourth, with trauma.

[Boomchakalaca]

Sometimes i avoid the people i want to be with as well. I feel as though i am not good enough etc. i am still working on it. U more than likely hav an avoidant attachment style. I hope u feel relieved to get that out there and not feel bottled up. U should open up ur emotions to a close friend or family member, though, i would probably choose a friend.

[myTake Owner]

For those asking:
For avoidant adults, social interactions and bonds remain on the surface. In order for a relationship to be meaningful and fulfilling, it has to become deep. That’s when you would ‘hit a wall’ when dealing with avoidant attachment style and relationships.

These individuals will let you be around them, but will not let you in. They tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. As soon as things get serious, dismissive/avoidant individuals are likely to close themselves off.

At this point, such people might try to find a reason to end a relationship. They might be highly annoyed by their partner’s behavior, habit, or even physical appearance. Consequently, they start drifting off and distancing themselves from the partner. Adults with this attachment style believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.

[myTake Owner]

For those asking:
For avoidant adults, social interactions and bonds remain on the surface. In order for a relationship to be meaningful and fulfilling, it has to become deep. That’s when you would ‘hit a wall’ when dealing with avoidant attachment style and relationships.

These individuals will let you be around them, but will not let you in. They tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. As soon as things get serious, dismissive/avoidant individuals are likely to close themselves off.

At this point, such people might try to find a reason to end a relationship. They might be highly annoyed by their partner’s behavior, habit, or even physical appearance. Consequently, they start drifting off and distancing themselves from the partner. Adults with this attachment style believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.

[BlackJeep]

I was with a DA for over a year. She was fine as long as I gave her space which I was happy to do. Then we went on vacation and she ended it twice in the first 5 days of our trip. Totally unexpected. I had no idea she was a DA until after when other things came out. Get some therapy before you date.

[Count_de_Monte_Volo]

For those asking, I think DA stands for “dismissive/avoidant” based on the description in the replies.

[Krealot]

Yeah that sounds fucking rough. That is sort of how I have started becoming. Respect to you for doing what you can.

[kespethdude]

I smell a troll... or a bot. Keep giving the same non-answer to everyone's questions abotu the meaning of what they are saying.

[intovertedguy]

The following links can help you:

I humbly advise you to seek counseling.

[intovertedguy]

Individuals with a dismissive avoidant attachment style often value their independence and autonomy above emotional intimacy and connection.

This is often because these individuals were emotionally deprived in childhood and grew up with parents who did not provide enough emotional support and warmth.

Many individuals with a dismissive avoidant attachment style do not consciously experience emotional distance, though. They tend to have busy social lives filled with friends and sexual partners and are often even perceived as confident and content.

But their relationships, social lives, and emotional involvements tend to be shallow — Beneath the self-assured surface lies vulnerability and the belief that they are unworthy of love.

Therefore, it’s important to work towards healing attachment insecurities in order to build and maintain secure and fulfilling relationships.

Fortunately, attachment styles are not fixed or permanent traits. They can evolve and change over time, influenced by one’s own self-awareness, personal experiences, relationship dynamics, and commitment to change their beliefs and behaviors.

h-t-t-ps://www. simplypsychology. org/dismissive-avoidant-attachment-style-signs-how-to-heal. html

[intovertedguy]

What Causes Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style?
Dismissive-avoidant attachment style develops from numerous causes, such as dismissive parenting, unmet childhood needs, experience with previous abusive relationships, and genetic dispositions. The environmental and genetic triggers are complex, but reading about each one can clarify things as you learn more about the condition.

Dismissive parenting
Negative parenting experiences can change how kids form relationships later on. Consider this scenario—a child tells their parents about how a bully hurt their feelings. Their parents tell them to move past the experience by forgetting about it.

The child gets embarrassed and subconsciously connects that emotional vulnerability with embarrassment. A dismissive-avoidant person could have begun using that attachment style as a coping mechanism from an early age.

Alternatively, a child could experience an intense moment of happiness. Maybe they open a birthday gift they wanted more than anything else and cried joyfully. Their parent tells them to stop crying while asking why they would react like that. The embarrassment could make that kid grow up with the instinct to contain their feelings to avoid moments like that again.

h-t-t-ps://www. scienceofpeople. com/dismissive-avoidant/

[strateguy632]

you described huge and difficult challenges.

[peedy]

Go see a therapist your looking ar things in the wrong way

[Anonymous]

Are you going to explain what a “DA female” is, as others have been asking?

[myTake Owner]

For those asking:
For avoidant adults, social interactions and bonds remain on the surface. In order for a relationship to be meaningful and fulfilling, it has to become deep. That’s when you would ‘hit a wall’ when dealing with avoidant attachment style and relationships.

These individuals will let you be around them, but will not let you in. They tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. As soon as things get serious, dismissive/avoidant individuals are likely to close themselves off.

At this point, such people might try to find a reason to end a relationship. They might be highly annoyed by their partner’s behavior, habit, or even physical appearance. Consequently, they start drifting off and distancing themselves from the partner. Adults with this attachment style believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.

[myTake Owner]

Means a Dismissive Avoidant

[Anonymous]

Poor attachment issues are rampant among modern women these days, usually due to daddy issues or being over fucked. Both lead to little to no ability to pair bond. Too many women are too damaged to take seriously as partners.

[muscles_glasses]

what does DA female mean?

[myTake Owner]

For those asking:
For avoidant adults, social interactions and bonds remain on the surface. In order for a relationship to be meaningful and fulfilling, it has to become deep. That’s when you would ‘hit a wall’ when dealing with avoidant attachment style and relationships.

These individuals will let you be around them, but will not let you in. They tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. As soon as things get serious, dismissive/avoidant individuals are likely to close themselves off.

At this point, such people might try to find a reason to end a relationship. They might be highly annoyed by their partner’s behavior, habit, or even physical appearance. Consequently, they start drifting off and distancing themselves from the partner. Adults with this attachment style believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.

[Anonymous]

What is a GA female?

[myTake Owner]

For those asking:
For avoidant adults, social interactions and bonds remain on the surface. In order for a relationship to be meaningful and fulfilling, it has to become deep. That’s when you would ‘hit a wall’ when dealing with avoidant attachment style and relationships.

These individuals will let you be around them, but will not let you in. They tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. As soon as things get serious, dismissive/avoidant individuals are likely to close themselves off.

At this point, such people might try to find a reason to end a relationship. They might be highly annoyed by their partner’s behavior, habit, or even physical appearance. Consequently, they start drifting off and distancing themselves from the partner. Adults with this attachment style believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.