Why aren't we in a relationship yet.. I'm not sure if its going anywhere?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating a divorced man for the last 6 months, he was one year single out of a 20 year relationship with a woman he met when 16, and has 4 kids with whom live with him. A month into out dating he had issues with his business partners and has been out of work the whole time I've known him. A few months in I asked where we were going, he said work stresses are dominating his attention and he can't focus on a relationship, but its where he wants to be eventually.. I accepted this, we keep dating/meeting once every week- 2 weeks but I feel like its not going anywhere, we have only managed to get 3 overnight stays together, he hasn't spoken about me meeting his family, I was invited to an event with his friends recently which was a surprise, but after I came away feeling down, because its full on when together then between dates there's a disconnect and I feel like im forcing him to conversate with me. Yesterday I asked him why this was and he said the stress of starting a new job is taking his focus off me and he wants to be able to give a relationship his full attention, and he prefers meeting in person rather than a penpal. To me this sounds like excuses, how can he arrange hookups with me but not send me some messages now and then? am confused and feel it may just be a sex thing, to add.. a month or so ago my friend also saw him on a few dating sites, he insists he's not active and is "working to a place to get rid of them", he basically has refused to deactivate them whilst dating me.. would work stresses really prevent anyone pursuing a relationship?

Updates

1 y

*Apologies, he was one year divorced, one and half years single when we met.

[Quigly]

It's certainly not a relationship that should be including sex. He hasn't made decisions in his life and until he meets certain benchmarks there really shouldn't be another person. Not ready is not ready, Not ready for another relationship is the same thing as saying I am married. He can say he is not ready for a very long time leading you on and on. Love is everywhere, Love is cheap and easy. Sincerity is hard to find. He hasn't shown or proven any sincerity to you. I don't think he is being sincere with you.

[Asker]

I feel like you're right.. I do feel like I've been led on and like you said he shouldn't have someone in his life if he doesn't have time for them.. which were exactly my thoughts recently but I stick with it because I think oh it won't be long til he's ready and maybe I'm too eager at 6months in.. but even if I wait til he is settled in his job he is then taking on a course on top of 4 kids and a full time jo and I feel like that will be the next excuse🤦🏽‍♀️

[Quigly]

It's actually you that holds all the cards. He's bringing all the baggage to this relationship with 4 kids that will never respect you as being their mother. I think you need to realize how much you are are actually sacrificing and how big of a mistake you are making anyway. In fact, WTF? It's not difficult to do better. Being single is better than this, your freedom is worth something. Your self respect is worth something and all I see is sacrifice with nothing in return. Do you think he wants or needs more kids?

Eliminating the sex aspect can also be a window to who he is. Friend is more important than sex to a relationship. Sex can be just an act, It doesn't mean a person cares about you. You can pay a prostitute to have sex. It's friend that makes it a relationship, not sex. You should always be asking in a relationship, Where's the friend? If he is being straight up and it won't be long, he should have no problem waiting for sex. It's not a big deal to wait as long as he is being sincere about his situation and the future. It's only a problem if he knows he's not being sincere. It's only a problem if he plans on using the excuse of not being ready forever. It's only a problem if he is not a friend.

Personally, I think you should just walk away. You can do better, I have experience. To me, it looks like you are just throwing yourself at some guy cause you feel some desperation to be in a relationship that isn't really reality. If you're just looking for an emotional connection and to feel some purpose in life there are many better ways to fulfill those desires without a relationship to some guy that already has 4 kids. You could donate or volunteer yourself to some worthy cause in society, It works. If you have some means, you could take care of some disabled guy that can't take care of himself. Either one of those would be better choices for you than what you are doing, Just to give you some perspective.

[Asker]

I really feel this comment, you had me deep thinking about what I want.. and going forward I certainly will not be giving my body to someone who can't put the work in for it as my needs aren't being considered by him.. I really appreciate your input thank you🤗

[Quigly]

I'm glad I was able to help.

[Guy13]

He has much going on. I assume that he realizes what a gym you are. I’m also assuming Business issues are truths or reality:

So: Business/Income flow, existing child responsibilities, and hot new lady friend. That’s a lot of rebuilding of a life happening simultaneously.

The only concern I would have is Friend time verse girlfriend time balance and the associated 7-10 day required release. You’re there and obviously both intelligent and intuit. I’m just guessing 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Asker]

Thank you for your response 😊

.. I did think that maybe he just honestly has a lot going on and I just need to be patient.. its a hard one because he says he wants more and gives me mixed messages a little, would hate to waste another 6 months waiting..

He did tell me he was "catching feelings" in response to me saying similar yesterday, was unsure how to take that because he doesn't show it much!

[Guy13]

Be honest. I see that you are growing and am very encouraged by it. I can not sit stationary either. I’m into you but I’m 35 years old too. I’m not looking but I’m scared to the point of having to consider actions I rather not. 🤷🏻‍♂️ If that describes your heart. You have Person Value and a mature and good man will realize it…and if not he will after this conversation. You ought to be able to sleep well at night. “She ain’t no teenager” sort of conversation. Age difference sometimes gets caught up in that…

[coachTanthony]

Probably not in a hurry to pull that trigger again. Doesn't sound like you are both aligned in what you want out of a relationship. Probably need to sit down and discuss. If he says all the right things but his actions are the opposite then it's time to move on.

[Asker]

I did think that maybe he's not looking to get in a relationship again, we met on a dating site and he said he was looking for a relationship initially.. which I even questioned because who would want another when they're fresh out of 20 years!.. but he insisted he was.. which is why I'm not sure whether he is sincere or messing me about with excuses

[LegendaryDater]

I agree with this comment.

[coachTanthony]

@Daniella87 Again his actions do not follow his words. You have to ask yourself is this the kind of behavior I want in my life? I am guessing it's not.

[Songomatic]

😂 guys give no excuses when interested

[Songomatic]

He not ready? Believe him.

[Smoothing]

I don't think he is being dishonest or misleading you in any way. This is a man who has lots of responsibilities. He just left a marriage an on top of that, he has four children. Loosing a job on top of that is a huge load for a person with that amount of responsibility.

I personally think you should focus on how you feel about him And what your next steps should be rather than stay in a state of assuming and guessing. Because you are not doing yourself any favours by doing that.

If your needs blinds you from understanding his circumstances, or if his circumstances puts you at a disadvantage, do yourself and him a favour. Move on.

Also, from what you have said, it seems like you have already had a conversation with him and he has told you where his head is. It seems you are just struggling with what you want to do next. You can, work with him, leave, or stay.

[ArrowheadSW]

Well I certainly get it with him being stressed out and not having the time to devote all that much energy to a relationship. Especially being in career turmoil at the moment. I guess it depends how long you might have to wait for his life to come together? And even then there is no guarantee that you'll still be seeing him at that point anyway.

[MementoMori777]

Obviously it's not going anywhere, he just got out of a marriage he's been in for like 2 decades and then he rushed into another relationship, you are telling me he got over her in a month? Clearly not, he might just be using you for physical pleasure or who knows, maybe even mental health as well, you should've seen it as a red flag that he is moving so fast

[IDontBelieveIt]

If someone cannot give you time of day apart from when it is to get something they want, in my eyes that's using. I was seeing a girl over the internet for 7 months everyday I made an effort but most days would hear nothing from her I only hear from her when I gave her something.

[Vegasrunner]

It's 50/50 Women's main hobby is a relationship so its difficult for you to understand his side but a divorced dad w/ 4 kids an no job men's his time is spending finding a job, fighting w/ an ex an supporting his kids. There may not be enough time in the day to add you on. Sounds like he's managing his time as well as possible but it's an uphill battle. This is also another example of why guys shouldn't waste time texting or chatting on the phone w/ women.

[boggboss]

Yes its possible that work stress would push him into not quoting a relationship but it does seem like he is leading u on or more so he is happy where things are

[Asker]

Thanks for your input :)

Yeah I've kind of thought the same, but wasn't sure if he could be taking things slower than me because he was in such a long relationship, thought maybe I was expecting too much at this stage.. but it does seem this way..

[Surely]

I agree with you. But I am sure that he has a plate full with finding another job and 4 children to be a stable father to.
Only you know what is best for you!

[Tracker1958]

Stay single a F him and all his friends when you can. Who needs a marriage. A marriage doesn't plug your vagina up. Do your hoe stage while your young enough to still have a hoe stage of life.

[nawtee_me]

He is using you and will continue to. His ex will get most of what he makes if he works so he doesn’t.

[LegendaryDater]

Doesn't sound good that is for sure. Excuses are never good.

[katiesmuff]

I think you are wasting your time with this guy!

[Con29]

Things take time you don’t want to rush it

[Asker]

Would hate to rush things.. its just hard to know how long to give it without any change

[Con29]

I would love to give you more advice pm if you like?

[Asker]

Apparently I don't have the XP to message yet🤦🏽‍♀️

[Con29]

How about if I message you?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he has you as a back-up plan.

[Asker]

This thought keeps crossing my mind🤦🏽‍♀️