Moved here to be with partner and due to care arrangements couldn’t take child with me. I thought we had built life together turns out not really - losses on lots of levels-friends/his family I adore & step kids I love too. Putting mildly- I’ve got not much left- not even significant time with my own child as this was changed and put into a court order when moved. The life I slotted into - his friends/family and kids became such an integral part of my being and sense of belonging. I thought I could move back to where my young child is and start focusing on being a more present mum but he is settled and content with the life that he has. I would just throw a spanner in it all. He has adhd and relies heavy on routine to assist him cope with day to day life. His father can provide that. But after this wk end I can’t even fathom that move - went down to see son for the night, had full blown panic attack at 100 klm an hr on highway - I had no one to call - not my partner, not my family and no friends so I had to call the emergency services. They sent an ambulance and police. I was given a mild sedative and monitored for a few hours. I spent the Mother’s Day weekend feeling pretty crappy.
This visit to see son just drove home how much I am disconnected from my son, how much I hate city, will not have support at all which will just exasperate already heightened anxious thoughts and sense of not belonging. Other options I have explored: move back to home town but it’s 10 hours from child and would be not good move financially. Stay here and I’m faced with loneliness still as I have lost all that was built within the relationship and see him float along fine , quite possible I may end up homeless as there is no rentals. Only solid I got is my job. I really personally feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Self worth is gone. How the heck do I find a place to belong that will suit my circumstances. I have mental health support that’s it.
This visit to see son just drove home how much I am disconnected from my son, how much I hate city, will not have support at all which will just exasperate already heightened anxious thoughts and sense of not belonging. Other options I have explored: move back to home town but it’s 10 hours from child and would be not good move financially. Stay here and I’m faced with loneliness still as I have lost all that was built within the relationship and see him float along fine , quite possible I may end up homeless as there is no rentals. Only solid I got is my job. I really personally feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Self worth is gone. How the heck do I find a place to belong that will suit my circumstances. I have mental health support that’s it.
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Do you want to raise your son, or be part of your husband's family? IT appears you cannot have both as he will not move so you are near your child. I don't see how this is tenable for YOU. IT's certainly convenient for him.
If you want YOUR child to have a healthy upbringing, start making plans to get a job where your son is, get an apartment and be a parent to him, and raise him well. You will get none of that with this husband.
I am wondering why you chose him over your child who needs you much more.
I wish it was as simple as that. Thank you for your response though
I did not say it was SIMPLE. All of the things I mentioned that I think would be better for you to do are likely quite difficult as you're married to a man who doesn't even acknowledge that you need to be close to your minor son to help raise him.
However, I don't know what your custody arrangements are, and this might also be difficult. But living nowhere NEAR your son appears to be the first error. Maybe you married this man to be financially stable. But that stability appears to have come with a high price: being an inaccessible parent.
Why don't you see a counselor and get your head straight about what you think you owe your son. Maybe you only want to be able to give him things. Which, with your spouse's money you CAN do.
But in my life experience, it hasn't been the THINGS my parents gave me. It was the time, advice and support, and I mean EMOTIONAL support, that they gave me that have made an indelible marks on my heart and soul. Their simply being THERE. That I could talk to them in person, get help with my homework, go places, take vacations, trips to the grocery store, learning how to wash my clothes and clean a toilet, washing the dishes, mopping the floors, painting the house, tuning the car, changing the oil, a tire, learning to swim, summer afternoons swimming in the lake, piano lessons.
These seem like small things, but they have carried through my entire life, and my parents taught or gave me experiences with all of them. If they had not BEEN THERE, or exposed me, I would never have learned aboutt these experiences. No money alone can substitute for the time and effort they've spent with me. And I've done the same with my own son.
You need to discover what your values are and prioritize your son's upbringing and your role in it.
I understand what you are saying. I believe some of those things you have described are definitely vital for a child’s upbringing. He knows he is loved, he is definitely missing his mum- custody situation- I see him one day a month and week about through school holidays. I didn’t move for financial benefits I moved for love and for a life that had my son in it in a blended family. It didn’t turn out like this. I have never been married to this man, and I definitely didn’t plan for this ending. We dated a long time ago back in highschool and I waited 20 years for this to become what it did. Throughout my time here with him has been hard and a real struggle on me mentally/emotionally. I have been battling self worth issues for a while now and have been getting appropriate counseling and support on mental level but it’s a long road and not an overnight fix. Battling depression and putting my self through some huge mindset changes has been paramount in recovery from depression and anxiety. I am an upstanding citizen and a good person but huge changes rock me and I cannot cope with them real well. Factually it makes sense to do as you say but what about my inner peace, my sense of identity etc my calm - I seek a simple existence where I can be valued and loved and cared for, where some of my needs are met, and I can support myself in the process. Without a happy mumma my child will not have what he needs no matter where I am closer or further away. I at present do not trust myself to make decisions and stick to them.
It sounds like you're in a difficult place in your life and are getting support to work through it. All that is great. One day a month is very little exposure to his mom. I realize you have to be well to be a well mother. Do the best you can, but realize as time passes, he's growing up. These are critical years for your influence with him. I hope you get to the place where you trust your decisions, manage your depression and anxiety and are able to give more to your son. Good luck.
So now that your looking at it this. Then you also know where you need to be and with whom not all bad thing in the moment we do are bad. You can't have success without failing you you did not fail you have learned so that means you have success but you have to follow your heart to be where you want to be because you know that's where you need to be there's more to you just in life what you leave behind you either forget or you go and get it and teach it well because one day they will be going through the same thing and they need to know how to handle it