In a pickle and receiving mixed signals?

[Anonymous]

Im living with my ex, we are both in late 30’s early 40’s. We broke up last week- I broke it off, stating I think it’s time I find my own place. He did not respond just changed fb status like a child. My partner & I struggle with communication , it’s normally all or nothing , I am reactive to his communication style & take it personally when he does not communicate about what bothers him, I tend to withdraw and tear my self down thinking I am failing in communicating properly with him. He disconnects regularly & stone walls which puts me on edge. I try to get rid of external factors that may bother him so to ensure he has head space to think clearly & can relax as much as possible. His love language is physical touch & time, mine is physical touch & time. I tend to show love through acts of services & time. I’m not sure to what I feel he gives me but would lean towards physical touch that is sexually motivated. Occasionally he affords me his time but this is rare.
Obviously this creates discomfort & disconnect. He feels frustrated too. My advances when I try physical touch lead him to standing there just taking it (be it a cuddle a kiss or putting my hand on his leg etc) . He does not respond to my physical touch he just takes it & it often leaves me feeling like I have done wrong. We have not been our normal intimate selves lately- this led to breakup.
I don’t want to leave, I desire him & love him. I want things to change but I don’t now how to stop the stone walling and my reactiveness to this. We have been together for 5 years & have 3 children (2 of his, 1 of mine- all don’t live with us but visit bi weekly) It should be noted that I feel like our relationship takes a total back step & we fall into old couple mode when his children are here- he literally shrouds his children in love and hyper focuses on them, leaving me to exist and look after all the stuff in house whilst he enjoys his time with them. I am not jealous just confused.

Updates

1 y

You are absolutely right. Any suggestions on how to ask this?

[Anonymous]

Living with an ex after a breakup can be a difficult and uncomfortable situation, especially when communication has been a struggle in the past. It sounds like both of you have different love languages and struggle to show affection in a way that the other person understands and appreciates. This can lead to feelings of frustration and disconnection.

It's important to take some time to reflect on what you want and need in a relationship, and whether or not this relationship is meeting those needs. It's also important to consider the impact that this situation may have on your children, and whether or not it's a healthy environment for them to be in.

If you want to work on the relationship, it's important to have an open and honest conversation with your ex about your feelings and needs. This may require finding a way to communicate that works for both of you, even if it means seeking outside help from a therapist or mediator. It's also important to set boundaries and make sure that both of you are respecting each other's space and emotions.

Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what's best for you and your children. If staying in this situation is causing you more harm than good, it may be time to consider finding your own place and moving on.

[Iron_Man]

Why don’t you go to family counseling and work it out make ground rules and abide by them

[Asker]

I have thought about this, I am kind of scared to bring this up as I am unsure if he would really be open to it. He is a very staunch man, has been married previously, then cheated on in his relationship after that and then along come me- I ended up with the busted but hopeful version of him. He has healing to do and I have self worth issues to work through. I would not even know where to start on this one- or even how to broach the subject.

[Iron_Man]

If he wants it bad enough, he will try to fix it. What other choices do you both have?

[Asker]

You are right.

[Iron_Man]

Yes 👍

[Iron_Man]

Thanks for most helpful Award

[Summeroflove]

I get it. There is only so much someone can take before you realize you’re gonna be miserable the rest of your life with this person.

It seems as if you have tried and he hasn’t. Now I don’t know if you’re both married or not.

Major life changes are never easy. It’s gonna take time to grieve. But if you’re not happy… I think you’re doing the right thing. Plus he doesn’t seem happy either.

Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. All relationships have a reason some only for a season and others last a lifetime

[Avicenna]

It sounds like your underlying problem is a lack of communication

[boobliker]

you have to play at being with your lover and sex partner or it dies it's hard to rekindle but boys are just big kids so give him toys to play with. you where his toy till you stopped so he done fb to tell others he needs toys

[Asker]

I have emailed him as I needed to time to say what was on my mind and how I believe in reconciliation and other details surrounding issues it didn’t go well his response was much along the lines of : it has failed so many times before , it’s taken it’s toll on me, I am not going to keep doing this because you want to, it’s not healthy and I’m not going to explain anymore. He states he is depressed and he needs more then what he currently has in his life and he doesn’t care what others think. He states he is not out to hurt me and that he needs to do him and I need to do me.. safe to say he is done. I’m gutted.

[In_Trance]

You need to communicate clearly and probably beed a therapist