This is just a journal entry for me and me alone. I don't expect anyone else to possibly understand it or get it, but writing helps me vent. I'm going to type until I feel better or reach the character limit.
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Few people can understand what it's like to have everything and lose it all. But that's the very story of my life. I peaked when I was young, had a medical condition that 100% ruined everything I could have ever hoped for or dreamed for, and now, have literally nothing to live for, except the hope that I warn others younger to me, to live a better life than what I given. My life truly is the ultimate male tragedy. But since my birth, suffering has become more and more common nowadays, so at least "I'm not alone" even though I'm still alone.
Since I was young, I was destined for greatness. And that's not a cliché or a lame beginning to a story. It's what I learned at an early age. Although I was born and raised into an abusive household with an absent careless father and an abusive mother I still wish was dead to this day, at the age of 62, I was still destined for great things merely because I recognized at an early age that the world is broken. By the time I was born, humanity had already lived through its greatest days and was on the decline and downfall. I recognized this very early on, and wanted to do something about it. I made it my life's mission to fix this world for the better. Because this fucked-up planet NEEDS fixing.
Society is broken. Humanity is broken. No one should have to live life like this. This is some fucked-up, Marty-McFly-ruined, Biff Tannen alternate 1985 timeline we're all living in. The CCP is still a thing? North Korea is still a thing? Woke culture exists? Joe Biden became a US president? They're trying to indoctrinate children into becoming trannies? There's an entire city of pedophiles and rapists called Hollywood? THIS is, 100%, not the fucking timeline we all belong in. No fucking way. I was like five or six when I realized this. And so, I made it my mission to try to fix this broken, fucked up world, using the intelligence and ambition I had to try to grow up and become the man to do that.
The only problem? The broken circumstances of my birth, and my medical condition. From an early age, I ALSO knew that humanity was a species of idiots, morons, followers, and sheep. The only way change happened, is through social influence. One might even call this politics. I detest politics, though. I was also so fucking naïve back then. I thought how one looked, what skin color they had, or where they came from, didn't fucking matter. You know, the MLK dream we were supposed to be living in. I underestimated human nature. People are fickle and shallow. They always have been, and always will be. I learned that early on, too. But back when I was young, I thought I could change that; control my fate. Again; so fuckin' naïve.
Although I had an abusive, uncaring mother back home, whenever I went to school, I learned how to game the system. How to "be a politician." Only, I wasn't fake about it. It was simple; be nice to people and care about them, and they'll listen to you and respect you. And again, I wasn't being fake with it or trying to gain power, either. I genuinely wanted to help people. I wanted to help myself, too. I was a student athlete. I ran track and field and did some boxing early on. I was a straight-A student for most of my entire time in school; up until the 10th grade (that comes later.) I sought to be a better person, not only for myself, but to help this world, as well. I wanted to lead by example, inspire others, and make this fucked-up, shitty world better.
There are people who as an adult, I can see, had that kind of life and family to become the disciplined, kind people I sought to be. Tulsi Gabbard, Jocko Willink, Joe Rogan, Gina Carano... They grew up in strong-but-kind families, learned martial arts early on, and became that mix of "strong-but-kind" that I sought to be myself. They had family. I never fucking did. And I can't blame myself for that... But I do. I tried to be that tough, empathetic, disciplined, amazing person, so that I could go on and help others. That Wonder Woman quote about "the only reason you need to be above others is to give them a helping hand on the way up." That mushy altruistic shit. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME, TOO! But like I said, life took a different turn.
Yeah, I had an abusive mother that I literally wished death upon every fucking night, hoping she'd never come home from work and I'd finally get that fucking 911 call telling me she died in a drunk driving accident or some other form of death. Yeah, that was my childhood. So what? It was up to ME to still be disciplined and strong. I had a somewhat caring Dutch grandma, at least. I still had reason to persevere, even at age 9. But I didn't know what was coming next.
I had fucking Precocious Puberty. A medical condition that starts puberty early, but does not finish or complete it. It stunts height growth, among other things. I literally didn't even know its fucking name until just a few years ago. So even if I had a rough start in the home, no male role models or father figures, and an abusive mother who never loved me, I could still preserve if I could grow into a strong capable man who people would look up to and respect right? Wrong.
The Precocious Puberty started sometime when I was nine, and finished when I was ten. I was the same short, fucking, shitty, midget, worthless, garbage height at age ten, that I am now. I know this, because one of our school projects was measuring height. I was the third tallest student in the class; and they measured us by inches only. I was 71 inches, but too stupid to know how to convert that, so I told a student "I was almost five-foot-twelve" and he mocked me for being a fucking idiot and saying how there was no 5'12." I remember that to this day and felt like a jackass for it. So that's how I remember how tall I was at age ten. And how that fact literally ruined my fucking life.
It's bad enough I had a shitty household to live in, and was dirt poor, and now, I couldn't even have fucking health, either? Of course, at the time, I didn't know any of this. One of the ONLY times I got to go to a doctor in childhood, the doctor told me I was projected to be six-foot-five by the time I grew up. This was 1999, so I was 13 at the time, going on 14. I remember that because that was the height of The Rock, from the then-WWF. He was the closest thing to a guy I wanted to be like. The closest thing I had to a role model, at the time. He's fallen off as a respectable guy a bit since then, but he's still not all that bad. I could've picked worse people for 1999.
But yeah, I remember I was supposed to be just like The Rock, according to that one fucking doctor; although it's not like he lied to me. He probably didn't know about Precocious Puberty, either. And it's not like there weren't tall or tall-ish men in my family, although most were female. My grandmother was Dutch and was five-seven, which isn't tall nowadays for a woman, but was probably tall for a woman in 1950-whatever when she was young. (Not that the Dutch were known for being tall back then either; that's more of an 80s/90s generation thing.) My father was an Afro-Cuban drug criminal and had his finger in many pies. I barely knew the extent of what he did, but he had a LOT of money and a lot of illegitimate kids out there. He was also six-foot-one. In many ways, he was the opposite of me, in all the good ways.
Point being, I had the genetic potential to not end up fucking worthless like I did. How or why I developed Precocious Puberty, I'll never know, but it literally ruined my life beyond all repair. It literally means nothing, if I don't even have my health.
So when I stopped at 180.5 centimeters at age ten, I was expected to reach 195 centimeters (6'5") by adulthood and have all the power, respect, and social influence that came with it. I was poised to be just like The Rock. ...That never happened, of course. I continued through school, with my three friends and sidekicks by my side, Courtney, David, and James. We'd play Pokemon, trade and fight them, play Goldeneye 007, Tony Hawk's Underground, listen to 50 Cent and Ludacris, and hang out with each other. They were far less popular than me in school, shorter than me, and didn't have my confidence at the time, so I was their defacto "leader." Their families had more money than me, and actually cared about them though, so there's that. They also didn't have a fucking life-ruining health condition on them, either.
So when we were 10 and 11, this was all the default norm. But after middle school, and onto high school, things changed. They started actually growing up, unlike me. Courtney started to become a woman, while I stayed stuck as a little boy. James and David started getting laid and fucking chicks, while I did not.
Reality didn't set in, just then. Sure, the years passed by and I literally never changed or "grew up," but I just thought I was late for my growth spurt. One that never came. I continued being a straight-A student, doing boxing, running track and field, and shotput, and even getting my school a first place trophy in the 500 meter dash (I was the last guy in the line, and didn't drop the fucking baton; the only thing I was worried about doing; so I held onto it tight and managed to win for our school in the race.)
I continued trying to become the man who could inspire and change the world someday. But my health had already FUCKED me over, since age 9 anyway. Like I said, Courtney, David, and James grew up. Of course, as anyone can figure out, that growth spurt of mine never came.
By early 10th grade, I started to become worried. Another doctor (who I managed to pay for myself, since my mom never had fucking insurance for us) told me "not to worry about it" and she assured me I was just due for a growth spurt. This blonde bitch was five-ten; of course she wouldn't have to worry about a failed life.
My dad had left me and my mother a shit-ton of money. He was probably just trying to launder it or hide it from authorities, but I didn't care. I still had the belief I could grow into a real man, and lead the world into a better place. I had all this fucking money, but wasn't yet a "man" who could properly use it. I was just worried about becoming a real man. A few months later, the IRS seized all our money, claiming they were looking for my father. So in addition to being stuck forever as a child no one would ever respect, I had now lost about $150,000 I was given, as well.
Things got worse with my "friends." Courtney - a woman - stopped at six feet tall; James - an Asian - six-foot-one, and David - an Indian - at six-foot-four. Al three of my "sidekicks" had now surpassed me. Feeling depressed, angry, and betrayed, I lashed out against them and stopped being friends with them. From their point of view, they couldn't figure out why I turned against them and wished them dead, but from my point of view, I felt like they "left me behind" and all grew up, while I was stuck as a fucking little kid, on some Peter Pan shit.
Of course, it was not their fault at all, but the fact they didn't feel empathetic or pity towards me or recognize the problem of me literally never growing up or changing in appearance since age ten, was the betrayal I felt. (They later said, as adults on Facebook, that they didn't value me based on height, appearance, or how much physical power I had, but who I was as a person, on some obnoxious phony Disney movie shit, that I still don't believe to this day.)
Point is, I was stuck as this little fucking child! A baby! I was 16, at the time I realized this. My grades had taken a nosedive, I stopped trying, and I realized I would never become The Rock. I was stuck as a little boy, of a male. Never to grow up, never to become "a real man."
At worst, people didn't even rightfully call me short, small, weak, and petite. They called me something infinitely worse: "average." Objectively without value. Meaningless. Insignificant. Worthless. A waste of sperm and a disappointment to any father's DNA. Literally the most replaceable, disposable, valueless fucking human being possible in existence. Objectively disposable. At the time, I'd go absolutely ape-shit and thrash anyone who'd call me "average." It was beyond being my berserk button. To call me so fucking WORTHLESS, that my entire existence doesn't matter, cuts deep. I was supposed to change the fucking world! Not being an objectively valueless thing. A worthless flesh bag with less value than a cow that'd become a McDonalds hamburger. That's when I became suicidal. My life was truly over then.
Sure, I had a shitty fucking childhood being dirt poor with hand-me-down clothes from the Salvation Army, dumpster-diving behind fast food places for dinner, with an abusive mother, a criminal scumbag father, growing up in the shittiest city in America, Filthadelphia, and had every fuck-you a first world American child could ever be given. But I at least had intelligence and ambition, right? That'd matter, right? But no. To pile on top of the shit sundae, I had a medical condition that would make gaining respect fucking impossible from others, making it also impossible to uplift myself out of poverty and gain the social respect and influence needed to start making this world a better place to live in.
Being fucked in family wasn't enough; I was fucked in health, too. And to be called literally worthless by people who didn't even know me because I was the shortest motherfucker in school that didn't have a pus sy. I truly had nothing left. If I had believed in God, I would've stopped believing in Him that day. That, or wished He fucking struck me dead, and pledged my entire existence to Satan. I stopped being a believer at age 9, but I definitely would've become a non-believer after almost being 18 and being stuck in the body of a ten year old for seven years, at that point.
By late 17, I gave up everything. There was no more trying. No more wanting to fix things. I was a victim of circumstance. A genetically worthless sack of shit. Literally worthless, also known as "average." The most insignificant thing a human can exist as, if you even count that as "existing." And what pissed me off the most, was how inconsistent this was to who I truly was, on the inside. If I'm going to be a worthless, pointless flesh bag, then why was I given intelligence and ambition as well? I didn't choose to supposedly have "a 150 IQ" or to see the world for being as shitty and destitute as it is. If I was meant to be genetically worthless and not respected by anyone in society due to it, then why didn't I have a brain to match that? A low IQ sheep, idiot, and follower? Why is my brain so different and opposite from my worthless fucking body? The two couldn't be more polar opposites.
My brain should look like The Rock, and yet, instead, I look like some no-name fucking homeless, worthless, nothing of a man who wasted every opportunity given to him. THAT is what pisses me off the most. Either make me The Rock, with the brain that matches the body, or make me some braindead, selfish retard working at Walmart getting high on weed and jerking off to PornHub every night while living with his parents at 30-something. I mean, THAT is what this worthless fucking body reflects.
So why is my mind so fucked-up and autistic like this? This body is reflective of a worthless parasite with no goals, no ambitions, and literally no value in society. Yet that's not who I am, inside. The disconnect between the physical and the mental, is the most 'FUCK YOU' thing of all, from the non-existent God. I'm not even saying I'm a genius or anything; I'm saying, why the fuck do I have a Red Pilled mind, with an objectively worthless Blue Pill body? A shell that no one, anywhere (well, aside from my dead ex, Kaitlyn) could ever see beyond? I'll never be able to influence anyone with such a fucking worthless flesh bag. I'll never be able to change the world and make it less shitty being invisible and genetically worthless. I know it sounds arrogant-as-fuck for me to even say this, but why would you put limitless potential in a worthless shell?
Well, I mean... I'm not the only person to get fucked THIS badly. The same exact thing happened to Stephen Hawking and Muhammad Ali. Great minds whose own bodies betrayed them. Of course, I'm an actual retard compared to Stephen Hawking; which is why he's leagues more intelligent than me, with a body only a tiny bit worse off. At least he isn't "average." And Muhammad Ali got fucked later in life too, but at least he had his youth to shine and change the world before his own body betrayed him like mine did.
But Stephen Hawking is a perfect exaggerated example of what I am: Limitless potential struck by tragedy and with a worthless outer shell. The internet says his IQ was 160, which is only ten points higher than mine. But he still feels infinitely more intelligent and world-changing than I could ever be, even in better circumstances. He actually did change the world for the better, despite having a body only slightly more shit than my own. The internet also says Hawking died in 2018 at the age of 76. Which, considering his health, is pretty damn good. He had 40 more years than I do right now, but I feel like I'd rather die at 36 than him dying at 76.
Ultimately, I feel like ever since I lost everything and my life literally became meaningless, being seen by assholes as having no value due to the broken body, that I've been drifting at sea without a captain or destination. I did have a love once, and she could see beyond the absolutely disgusting outer shell, but she was probably the only one who ever could. No one will ever understand me. No one will ever get me. No one will ever understand that this reality we're all fucking trapped in, shouldn't be. We should all be living as kings and queens, with colonies on Mars and shit by now!
Humanity is capable of so much greatness, and yet we've got "average" people in the world complaining about preferred pronouns and calling themselves fucking "non-binary" in the 2020s. I feel like *I* let the world down. By my body letting me down. But it being this average sack of shit that'll never matter, will never be seen by anyone, will never have a voice, will never be able to inspire others to be better, will never be able to help fix this world and lead humanity into those Martian colonies and breaking through with nuclear fusion, unlimited energy, and creating wormholes to traverse space and truly become the fucking species we were meant to be. Instead, we get Joe Biden and "What is a woman, anyway?"
I'm sorry that my fucking body betrayed you, humanity of planet Earth. I tried to make the world a better place, but learned early on that no one will listen to a pointless flesh bag. They'll listen to The Rock and tall and rich men and women. But not average wastes of sperm. Regardless of what they say, think, or do. That's not how humanity works.
So I'm sorry I couldn't grow to be 6'5", handsome, fit, and charming, for you all. To be the leader you all wanted. And to fix this broken species and planet. Now, I'm just waiting for death to come; assuming it ever does. Stephen Hawking died at 76; that was probably very cruel of life, now that I think about it. I guess this means, I'm living to be 99 to 107-something, right?
What else can I do? Nothing matters anymore. It's all "average." I'm not a Red Pill Hero. I'm a Black Pill, five-foot-eleven valueless human being. Average. A fucking Shakespearian tragedy no one will ever read.
A fitting end to an "average" human pleb, I guess. If life actually had choice and meaning, I'd laugh at that ending.
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