Chivalry is Dead--and Women Killed it

One day, while flipping through channels, I came upon one of Dave Chappelle's stand up comedy routines. I have to tell you, he had me rolling all the way up until he actually uttered the words:

"If chivalry is dead, women killed it."

I almost spit all the soda I was drinking out of my mouth onto the TV screen I was so mortified and outraged. I felt robbed. I'd been saying that for years!

Now, I know at this point in my article, many sisters may be doing a double take, rereading the above lines as they wonder how I could agree with what could be construed as a sexist comment, but I did agree, and whole-heartedly at that. Why? Because I fear that modern women have been sending men mixed signals for some time now:

  • We tell the world we value our independence, some of us going so far as to scream at a guy for having the courtesy to hold a door open for us so it doesn't smash us in the face, and yet, when we get married, we expect to be taken care of financially, no matter how much money we ourselves personally make.
  • In answer to the near domestic slavery of bygone eras, we have become hyper independent, with an I don't need no man attitude, that has started to make our valued partners feel like little more than a walking sex toy.
  • We want equality, but the man has to pay for every date or he is looked down upon.
  • We want to be put on pedestals, but frown on a woman who wants to do the same for her man.
  • We want all our needs met, but when a man expresses a desire that is not feminine (because hey, they are men, not women) we scoff, demean them and make fun.
  • The largest of all these offenses has to be that we, more often than not, place the value of a man in his wallet and not in his soul.

Real life example: Debra had quite the dilemma. Shed finally met her soul mate. The one! He was attractive, fun, kind and loving. On top of it all, he was a civic minded firefighter, beloved in his community, even liked kids and animals. She was falling and fast. The problem? He had a low paying job.
"He was attractive, fun, kind, & loving. The problem? He had a low paying job."

"I make eighty-thousand dollars a year, and I want a mate who makes at least that much," she sniffed. Debra dumped him, but they remained casual friends.

Some time passed and he got engaged. He invited Debra to the engagement party, and when she arrived at his home she was astonished to discover he lived in a mansion he was a millionaire and only volunteered as a fireman!

He had kept his wealth a secret so he would be assured that the woman he was with loved him for him and not his money. In the end, he found the woman who was perfect for him, the one who accepted him as a fireman. Talk about a karmic slap in the face!

Sadly, many American women do just this sort of thing they toss aside the garbage man with a heart a gold for a surgeon who yes, makes a 100 K a year, but odds are when doctor Stud muffin gets bored, he will cheat on you with that blond hottie down in Cardiology. Meanwhile, a good man slips by quietly unnoticed as we cry and moan about the fact that there are no good men.



Another problem is that our men appear to have to place their emotional wants and needs on the back burner in relationships, when we should be more understanding of those needs. A good example of this is how men have to have space. They do. It makes them feel independent and not chained--this is very important to the male psyche, however, when a man says this to us, what do we do? We get all freaked out, call our girlfriends and make him feel like a jerk for a very legitimate male need.

I've even been privy to occasions where a man will tell his woman, "Baby, I am going to go up the street and see so and so," and home girl exclaims, "No, hell you're not!

Okay. Let's back that up. Say you told your man, "Hey, I am going to the store with so and so and I'll be back in a minute." What would you do if he told you, "No, hell you're not!" The brother would be sleeping on the couch. How is that fair, again? Two grown people, who love and trust one another, should be able to make plans without constantly having to consult with their partner.

To be sure, no girl or guy should be out every night -- if that were the case, why be in a relationship? But, you should be able to have a guy or girls night out on occasion without having to check in. What if he cheats on me, you ask? If you married someone you cannot trust, whose fault is that? We tend to know very early on if the partner we have chosen is trustworthy. I know a woman who married a man even after learning he once had a drug problem and had cheated on his ex wife. Now that he is abusing drugs heavily again and sleeping around she is pissed -- but she shares part of the blame in her own fix. If you chose someone with whom you can give your whole heart and all your trust, they do not need a leash.
"Men appear to have to place their emotional wants & needs on the back burner in relationships, when we should be more understanding of those needs."
Men value their independence just like we do, and they should have a healthy outlet to express it. Women often accuse men of double standards, and while this is true, we have a few of our own:

  1. We want our men to be there emotionally for us, but if let's say, our man is going through a mid life crisis, we poke fun, ridicule and withdraw our affections, telling them to get over it. If you were PMSing and your guy said, get over it well, the funeral would be lovely. But we have no room for empathy or sympathy for male chemical emotional cycles and fluctuations, which is essentially what a mid life crisis (it is both psychological and physiological).

  2. We are constantly wanting our men to reassure us that they love us, find us beautiful, attractive yet if a man reaches out for this same comfort, we tell him he is filled with testosterone, and wants his ego stroked. Who doesn't want their ego stroked once in a while? And yes, men are filled with testosterone, so what? This isn't an inherently bad thing. Yes ladies, our men's emotional needs matter too.

This is not to say that men are totally innocent in their portion of bad behaviors in the dating game (that's another article for another time), I am merely saying that women are not owning up to our portion of guilt in the ongoing battle of the sexes.
Gogus olculeri

I made my personal realization a long time ago, after which, I was able to let down my guard and land an amazing man. My husband and are I are both very independent natured and he knows that I trust and love him. He is free to do what he likes, all I have to do is know so I don't worry, but it's not like he has to consult with me. I let him be him, and he lets me be me. Byproduct? We are inseparable. He knows he is free, but he chooses to be by my side -- and I by his side.

It feels good knowing that, if he had a choice, he chooses to be with me.

In time, our dynamic may change, and that's okay too--nothing is static, we all evolve and grow -- but I will accept him as he comes to me, faults and all, fears and all, needs in all, whether he has money or not.

Sisters, I am not even implying that we should run after jobless crack heads or wife beaters, I am talking about giving decent, blue collar working gentlemen a chance. You may find in him, a man who will love you like there is no tomorrow and treats you like a Queen, which is something all the money in the world wont buy.If we can accept that doctors and lawyers who look like Denzel Washington are not the only men worth marrying, maybe relations between the sexes will improve all around, but we have to come to the bargaining table willing to listen, willing to accept blame, and, in the end, willing to learn.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • In relationships I always behave as a gentleman, since for me its part of my manhood ideal. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a wimp either. I am also respectful of her independence. And in bed, she comes first.

    Yet, even though I'm not a blue collar worker, I got a college education and everything, I find girls won't be OK serving my needs yet they expect me to serve theirs. I still have to find a girl who wants real equality, where she does not just expect me to take care of her but also viceversa.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I was very dissapointed after reading this article.I believe that if a woman really loved someone, they would not dump a man for lack of money.This article makes it seem like most women are too picky to find chivalry when a lot of women are well balanced and don't get it anyways.I believe its more of the society we live in then the way women have been acting.\I don't expect my man to make a lot of money,stay home every night, pay for every date or put me on a pedistal. Less that perfect will do.

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Join the discussion

What Guys Said 43

  • Great stuff!!!

    If its okay, I'm going to copy this and send it to all my female friends.

    Not in regards to me or anything, because I'm an engineer...

    but to me this is the best way to have a happy marriage.

    This is what I would preach to my daughter.

    Thanks for your point of view!!!

    Sincerely,

    A Loving Black Man

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  • Yes great observations! Finally some smart women in this country! Unfortunately, feminists and their communist/Marxist puppet-masters have done so much damage to male/female relationships in this country over the decades. The very shallow and materialistic negative points listed above are exactly why I don't date American women. I don't want to be in a constant pissing contest with my girlfriend.

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  • I think many girls that are angry after reading your article; aren't objecting to the quality or truth to it. It's a powerful message, no question about it.

    They're angry at the implication that women are the ONLY ones who are guilty of being selfish in relationship, and expecting to GET, GET, GET without GIVING. Although it gets more attention when women do it; the truth is, there are just as many men who are equally selfish in relationships; wanting to GET, w/o ever GIVING.

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  • The issue is fear, selfishness, and either not trying to understand your partner, or caring enough to give your partner what it is you understand is important to them as a guy or girl.

    It applies to men too. Women want loyalty, commitment, marriage, some want a family & kids, and financial security is important. It's not fair to expect ONLY what you want, and be p*ssed or angry at her for wanting what she wants (or trying to not give her what you know is important to her as a woman)

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  • I'm sure guys appreciate your voice of reason & logic.

    It's comforting to hear a woman advocate some attention & caring to what's important to guys in a relationship, and to have their desires, wants & needs addressed, instead of scolded, made fun of, ignored, or trying to change them to conform to only what the girl feels is important to her in a relationship.

    But I'm guessing that's simply because you didn't want to write a book, or didn't have enough space to finish your point.

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  • It's a great article, and huge, but I can see why so many girls are getting upset.

    Obviously, as a female author, I think it's IMPLIED, that you're not trying to generalize or say that ALL women do these things or behave this way.

    As a guy, I know that's true, and I'm sure most guys do too. Guys can tell when "omg, I love your c0ck", really means "omg! I love your job & wealth, I can't wait till we're married and I can feel financially safe & secure!"

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  • Kudos the the analysis, emotional awareness & honesty..

    but I think the bigger general theme is that BOTH men & women who are selfish & only think about their OWN needs & wants, and ignore what's important to the other person (or try to change their partner), will never be happy in a relationship..

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  • Thank god someone agrees... You hit it right ont he mark, I feel this way too. Some women are stuck in the pre-womens right movement mentality, and yet others are feminists, and I can never tell who I'm dealing with, so I tend to play it nuetral, winning no points on either side.

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  • Bravo, Bravo, Bravo. I sincerely applaud you from the bottom of my heart !

    I have been that "man" my whole life, brushed aside cause of an average salary. When I try to explain this phenomenon to women, I get laughed at and labeled all kinds.

    You are truly a brilliant, perceptive and strong person (being able to bring up such a topic)

    Bravo !

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  • Basically what I'm saying is you need to look at the person you are, the things you do, and ask yourself "How are people going to react to me?" If you get angry or suspicious when somebody does nice things for you, people pick up on that. They'll stop doing it. Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. If you're doing the same thing, and relationships keep failing, you keep falling for horrible people, it's time to look in the mirror, the problem is internal.

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  • I think you missed the key point here. There is a type of person for everyone. I am the kind of person that is going to pay the bill. It doesn't have to even be a date. I went out to a bar with a new friend (woman) and her best friend (man) that I'd never met. I insisted on paying the bill because it was my idea to go out. I didn't have a secret goal, that's just who I am. Some women would have a problem with that, find me suspect, etc. and that's okay. Just means they aren't my type.

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  • I've read this before... Years ago. Nice plagiarism though. I've had this on my Facebook since about 2010. Regardless of that, its still a damned good article.

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  • Very good article, This is extremely brilliant and well said, I'm going to pass this on to all my friends for you =)

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  • Insightful as always.

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  • Glad you wrote this. Sisters spread the word indeed! :)

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  • Excellent article. As I am one of the plain, blue-collar types you refer to, I'm glad someone finally made our case. Thank you so much!

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  • There's a lot of good points in there.

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  • Very nice article and I very much second jdcpa's comments - permanently bookmarked

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  • Great article.

    We could all learn from it.

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  • Woah... ARN... You are... AMAZING

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What Girls Said 22

  • Well temptation--it is a lot like saying the N word--when two black people say its all good but if a white dude does it--look out. ( for the recrod I don't think ANYONE white or black should use the word, personally...)

    Sadly,we tend to comprehend things a bit more when someone who looks and thinks like us states it because we perceive that they undertsand us better...human nature...

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  • I pretty much agree, but another way that women have "killed" chivalry from men is by being so into certain men when he hasn't earned her respect or love at all! I'll admit that I've been like this - putting a guy on a pedestal and sometimes acting like it when he hasn't even done much.

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    • You should expect a man to treat you like a queen.
      You are a beautiful and delicate creature. So why shouldn't he have to work to earn your heart?

  • My brother in arms, I feel yah, but I instead of abandoning your American sisters, we need to start lowering our weapons, and start trying to come to a place of love and instruction. It is hard to come from repression to independence without makings ton of errors--we are all human and evolving--let us not give up on one another.

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  • Very well written. I have had these same thoughts myself and I appreciate that you brought it to the table for all girls to hear.

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  • This is super long and I didn't finish reading it..... but, already, I think its more than true. I've been discussing this with my friends and I want the nice guy/gentleman back!!!! Why, why, why did women do this?? ..... *sigh*

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  • I completely agree!!! I am very independent and believe that you should be able to still have your own time while in a relationship, without be questioned. Like you said, if you can't trust them when they are not with you, why be in a relationship at all!

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  • Thanks guys--I just want us to look at our culpability--maybe realizing our mistakes will help us break down barriers between the sexes...

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  • Tanks so much! I really want men and women to come to a place where we value one another for what we are, to accept our differences, and love even the aspects that annoy us a bit...lol...

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  • I agree that women have killed chivalry, however, not all women act the way they do in your article! ;)

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  • This is bullsh-t, you can't generalize all women. I AM a feminist but I also love men. So let me prove you WRONG:

    -I never frown upon chivalry. EVER. I don't know a sinle woman who does?

    -I would be embarassed for a man to pay for my expenses, in the modern world most couples split all the bills. What country do you live in?

    -I believe (almost always) men treat women as sex objects.

    -Most women I know put their man on a pedestal which is why love stories are so popular with us women. b*tc

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    • You split the bill everytime? haha what guys dont pay for the bill, i feel lame if dont pay for the bill, its my job as a man to provide for my woman...
      Sounds like you are upset because, guys dont act chivalrous towards you lol!

  • I have to 100% disagree. Some women are like that, but for me and my group of mates, we don't go for the rich people or yell at a man for being polite. We do respect men. And you sound like all women are like that, when it is a minority that are. I don't know if it is because the UK is different to the US, but I've never seen that case happened around here. However I'm not saying it doesn't happen.

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  • Another example would be sleeping with a guy you just met and expecting for him to marry you or something. It's retarded.

    And I do except my husband/boyfriend to treat me like I'm special because I would do exactly the same. And if my husband was going through a mid life crisis I would make jokes and stuff, but I would never say get over it or anything like that. If something bothered him it would bother me. If he was having a problem I would never just ignore it.

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  • Lol, nice article is all I have to say. :)

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  • Any women offended by this article is probably guilty of this themselves. Of course not ALL women are like this BUT I AM A WOMAN who was guilty of this not even a few years ago. Mostly do to immaturity and selfishness on my part. I realized it and changed. When I met my fiance he had NOTHING and I payed all the time but he did what he could, bless me. Ironically he went through a life changing event and now he's well off. Now he spoils me ROTTEN (too much lol) and he proposed with a FAT rock! =P

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  • Women didn't kill it alone. Chivalry is on its' last legs becauses of pigs that call themselves "men". Its hard for women to believe that a real genuine man exist without wondering "Why is he opening my door or pulling out my chair--what's in it for him?" There are pigs with false personas' that use it to get what they want & then leave a woman with a broken heart. Its hard to beleive that there is a sincere gentleman like that still left where a woman won't fall into a false sense of affection.

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  • I totally agree.. I love your articles ;) props.

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  • Wow, way to generalize women. I open doors for everyone. I pay for half the dates with my boyfriend. I support his emotional needs, and he supports mine. I stroke his ego, and he supports mine. He gives me reality checks and I give him reality checks. If he cheated, he'd be dumped in an instant. And if I cheated, I'd be dumped in an instant. Chivalry is unnecessary, sexist and just plain dumb. Gender equality is where it's at.

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  • I find it interesting that you are a woman, saying that all women behave this way. I have never dated a man for his money and have never screamed at a man, or anyone else for that matter, for opening/holding a door for me. I hold doors open for people all the time and they for me. If thereare women who have actually screamed at a man for opening a door for them, I think they not the norm and are few and far between.

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  • "When I met my fiance he had NOTHING and I payed all the time but he did what he could, bless HIM"* LOL, OOPS sorry on that typo below =P I meant to say bless HIM =D

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  • Very nice :)

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