JESUS' SECRET (i couldn't sleep, so I found the holy grail)

[Anonymous]

I couldn't sleep tonight so i decided to have a little search for the holy grail.

the obvious starting point, was to steal 'the kirkwall scroll' from the freemasons of Orkney, obviously. decoding it wasn't too hard, much of it turned out to be written in a special kind of drunken hebrew that can only be read whilst shit-faced, luckily i was already drunk so it wasn't a problem, and it had just the sort of leads i was looking for (from what i remember anyway.. you do have to be pretty drunk to read it..)


So off i set on my travels, scouring the parisian catacombs, infiltrating the vatican library, locating the true axis mundi and ascending to the uppermost peak of a glasgow towerblock, and eventually reaching the secret lair of the 'new-world-templar-illuminazis', evil conspirators and last known possessors of the grail.


with the stealth and agility of a spider-cat-ninja i surpassed their security and reached the vault, and within it, the holy grail!!

opening the vault and dealing with the guards was a whole thing that i can't be bothered explaining, but i assure you, it was super awesome and cool.. so i get inside, and there it is, the holy grail. and it turns out my theory about it was right! (not the ones about zombies, the other one) one of the biggest paradoxes of the bible, finally be explained! 


if jesus needed to die to save our immortal souls and appease a vengeful blood hungry deity by sacrificing himself, then how does he come back to life in a couple of days without reversing the ritual and redundafying his entire existence? Well the answer is so obvious in hind sight isn’t it?! he had a time machine!!! 
that's right, he never came back to life at all! when he died on the cross he totally died, but before he did, he traveled to the future to tell everyone it's all cool to give us a lovely fluffy after-taste and then went back to die and fulfill the ritual. he probably jumped ahead and had his second coming and did all that stuff with the gold plates for joseph smith while he was at it too.


 the obvious problem that I had with this theory for a while was that traveling forward and then back in time can't be done without creating paradoxes, as it would be impossible not to be influenced by what you saw in the relative future.. unless ofcourse you already know every detail of what's going to happen because you're an omniscient superbeing like jesus was! you see?! it all makes sense!! and is infact the only rational explanation.


but what happened to the time machine? and why has no one heard of it? he must have had at the end, at the last supper.. it's said that the holy grail is meant to grant immortality but what if that's a misinterpretation, perhaps rather than allowing a man to live for all time, it allows him to live in any time!
 so there it is, the truth, the holy grail is actually a time machine and I've tracked it down, but despite all this being very clever and cool it doesn't help me much as i can only use it to travel forward in time and i tend to be doing that anyway.. perhaps i can get it working properly if i get the mana from the ark and joseph smith's sear stones. but i'm really quite tired now so perhaps another day..

[Anonymous]

Wow. You solved the greatest mystery of our time.