Why People Seriously Need To Stop Saying "Just Be Confident"

[Anonymous]

Self-confidence: 'a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement'. We all need it, there is no denying that - in sports, business and romance, self-confidence is probably one of the most crucial factors to determining success. I'd be a liar if I said otherwise.

So why does this Mytake have the title, 'Why people seriously need to stop saying "just be confident" '? Because the advice is a grotesque simplification.

Confidence is a subjective trait

Confidence can come in many shapes and forms. It can be fleeting - as in a moment of success - or it can be long-term confidence - a euphoric state of belief in the self and everything that one can achieve. Some people think that the guy who is outgoing and talkative is confident. Some people think that the guy who is more chill, laid-back and only talks when he needs to is confident. Different people have different perceptions of this amorphous, intangible trait. People saying 'just be confident' neglect to mention the subjective nature of it.

Confidence takes time and effort to achieve

With confidence it is often a case of taking time to find out who you truly are: what motivates you, what you are good at, what you can succeed in, what you are willing to take on as a life-long passion. But this takes time. People saying 'just be confident' neglect to mention that aspect of it: success takes time, dedication and effort:

It's easy to say 'just be confident' through a period of turbulence - not so easy to put that advice into effect.

In theory our confidence and self-belief is dependent solely on our perception of ourself: anything that is happening externally or outside of us is irrelevent to who we are. In practice, it is much, much harder to distinguish the true especially if you are even in the slightest bit ambitious or materialistic. That's because it's natural for humans to judge themselves according to their own accomplishments or lack of accomplishments. If we were content to do away with everything material, get rid of our earthly possessions and live life in a buddhist monastery, maybe, just MAYBE, we could feel content with who we are, exactly the way we are, right now. But this is not most people. Most people want to ACHIEVE something.

This means that when things are going really tough in our lives and we AREN'T achieving everything we set out to achieve we can be hard on ourselves. This is to be expected. To tell somebody that those things don't matter and that they are superficial or vain things the person is seeking does not necessarily help them. It is much more difficult to detach ourselves from our perceptions of where we ought to be than that. The advice is even worse when something REALLY BAD is happening in that person's life.

Would you, a rich westener, have the cheek to say to these kids, "just be confident and you'll pull through!"? They would laugh in your face.

Confidence a feeling of trust in one's ABILITIES, QUALITIES AND JUDGEMENT

If you don't have anything to put your faith in about yourself how can you be confident? Arrogance is a false belief in one's abilities, qualities and judgement. Telling somebody to be confident when they don't have these things is a recipe for disaster: you are setting that person up for failure.

Conclusion: confidence is a much desired trait, just don't give that advice when you don't even know what it is you're talking about!

We NEED to believe in ourselves, we need to be content in who we are, we need that energy and liberation that only self-confidence can bring us. But the road to such a state of euphoria can at times be long and arduous. Giving such simplistic advice does not necessarily help - it can even hinder us and set us up for failure if our expectations become unrealistic. 'Confidence' does not mean the same thing to two different people. We need something to be confident in. If you want to help somebody you know be more confident then you should give that person real, concrete suggestions that will let them realise their true purpose in life - not this popular psychology hoax of positive psychology pseudoscience.

I will finish with songs I listen to when I want to elevate my spirit and feel good about myself:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp7ghZvHz4E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9NQFACZYEU

[Anonymous]

People see a correlation between people who are confident and people who are succesful, and believe that the confidence implies the success.

2 problems with it:

1, Correlation does not necessarily imply causation
2. Even if there is causation, it could be the other way round, namely, its success what has made people confident.

[myTake Owner]

yep and just to be fair, I'm sure confidence does promote success to a large degree. it's just that it is far from being the only factor.

but the self-help gurus and the detractors who gullibly buy into everything they say will never buy my points and pointing out the flaws in this advice will just make you seem unconfident yourself, alas.

[SunsetRose]

I completely agree it takes a lot of time and effort for many people. Confidence is often a learned behavior, not something we can just turn on or off

[Bandit74]

I think in order to be confident you need to experience some level of success in that particular area but to be successful in that area you need to have the necessary qualities/skills and also not be held back by inhibitions/not care if you initially fail.

[myTake Owner]

sure, confidence and ability feed into one another, and what you lack materially there will usually be a 'niche' in the world for you to fill with a different talent, so to speak. so the confidence conundrum is not necessarily the end of the world if you don't have 'it' just yet.

[Bandit74]

Yeah, confidence can vary among different aspects of your life.

[dipta]

If I read correctly, you're saying that confidence is connected with material achievements and success since we're all just human, and theoretically it's something we all have within ourselves?

I don't know, I think you didn't address the main factor that for me is the most important one: people are not confident because they compare themselves to other people and they don't like what they see. They may strive to meet other people's expectations, or be overall liked for who they are and so many other reasons.
Sure, a recognition in your job may come as a promotion or in the shape of a raise, but I personally am not motivated by that or feel confident I can do a great job just because my sallary is great.

Maybe it's just me, but I agree, I am also tired of hearing that phrase "just be confident", "just go to the gym", just this and that, as if everyone has the some preconditions.
Maybe living the simple life within ypur own means and be happy with it is also a talent after all.

[myTake Owner]

Kind of, but I understand that we cannot be solely dependent on our material success. The confidence has to be based on our perception of ourselves asked people are NOT necessarily happy just because they are rich, etc. At the same time though people are materialistic just because of social pressures and it is unrealistic to say ' stop comparing yourself to others ' because this kind of mindset needs to be cultivated.

I think people need to be more realistic and look at how our perception of itself is related to what our extrinsic achievements are and what people say about us.

[lacorine197]

The only thing I disgaree with this is the Approach to strangers, I do not in no shape, form, thought, moment, or process will I ever go about talking to complete strangers, I don't socialize on them taking the bus, nor do I intend to, strangers act very funny as being shown recently through harmful events. The only strangers I see myself having a conversation with is those in association with any company or institution that I'm apart of, such as college, job, or anything in the career category or family.

[myTake Owner]

Sure well I did not make the graph obviously, I just agreed with the general flow. Still the same I think it is important to step out of ones comfort zone, e. g. because you might want to sell something to someone, or ask out a cute girl, etc. In short you can approach strangers, just make sure you have a reason!

[lacorine197]

true that!

[LiveFreeorDieHard]

I think being confident means just being confortable with your self. Your not worrieb about how people perceive you. You just do things because YOU want to do it. Not because of other people.

[myTake Owner]

well this is a different component of confidence to what I'm describing and like I said 'confidence is a subjective trait'.

but yeah, while it's important to do things on your own merit and because it's what YOU want to do, realistically there will be people that have control and influence over you - whether it's your parents, your boss at work, your lecturer... whoever might be in a strong enough position to tell you what you can and can't do. and even if we are just talking about what other people think about you, not only is social reputation important sometimes but it can still take a long time to build up that mindset which says "fuck it".

I don't think the vast majority of people care about what somebody who has absolutely no control or influence in their lives anyway.

[Anonymous]

As guys unfortunately you have to be an 11/10 if you want a girlfriend without having any confidence. It doesn't matter if you have every single amazing trait out there in life because if you are missing only one thing and it's confidence then the rest doesn't mean jack shit. Girls don't seem to have one universal trait that they must have to find love but as guys we do which really sucks. And this applies for careers as well.

People say it because there are zero other options to find love/success unless again you're a super model.

[guynextodoor]

you nailed it
confidence has to evolve through hard work perseverance and right attitude. not the other way round.

[myTake Owner]

tbh, people that don't get this tend to be people that have never struggled with confidence because they have had most things handed to them. people that have had to grovel their way out of depression and/or deficiencies of material opportunities tend to understand that the confident mindset is cultivated, it does not appear from thin air. I only respect people if they understand this.

[guynextodoor]

i feel you bro

[Prof_Don]

Confidence means being fully comfortable and accepting of both your pros and your cons as a human being.

However, if someone is still in a very low level of confidence and is working on building it, it is WAY better to "fake" the confidence rather than showing lack of confidence.

[myTake Owner]

'Confidence means being fully comfortable and accepting of both your pros and your cons as a human being.'

yes, I get all of that. what I am saying is that it takes a long time to cultivate such a mindset.

'it is WAY better to "fake" the confidence rather than showing lack of confidence.'

Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes the only way we can improve is by revealing our flaws so that we know how to remedy them.

[Spirit_Is_Free]

Great take - I agree gaining confidence is a long and windy road not a straight line.

[myTake Owner]

yep and also people can be confident in some ways (e. g. confident in their work, confident in their hobbies) and then not in other ways (e. g. confident with people). it can be very difficult to define confidence and I genuinely believe that this wave of generic popular psychology does not help unconfident people.

[Anonymous]

Confidence won't help you if you don't know what it is you're supposed to do confidently.

It's shallow toss away advice.

[myTake Owner]

it's probably not a coincidence that the advice is usually accompanied with cartoonish smiley cariacatures... just to rub in the oversimplified fantasyland a bit deeper:

www.wikihow.com/.../...fident-Step-1-Version-2.jpg

[FilthyPervert]

I smell a beta male

[myTake Owner]

Lol ok, or somebody that has gone down into pretty dark places in their mind crawled out and knows what does and does not work for depression, etc.