So I'm the typical girl with insecurities - We could work together, go out for drinks together and probably spend an extended amount of time living together without you ever realising I probably spent more time worrying about my own appearance than anything else. I am a master of disguise.
The last 5 years of my life have been fantastic, I've worked in different countries, been on amazing holidays and realised some talents and skills of my own that I'm proud of. However these years have also been filled with that voice in the back of my head telling me I'm getting that I never quite look good enough to be truly happy. The voice is triggered by the smallest things - a friends new dress that looks gorgeous on them, a pretty girl walking past or not fitting in to that top that I bought before I had boobs.
I've cried. I've shouted. I've cancelled many plans and returned a lot of clothes.
And I know I'm not alone on this.
Around 750,000 people in the UK currently have some kind of eating disorder and with only a population of 64 million compared to the U.S's 381 million, I dread to think how many people suffer with it over the pond. I'm one of the fortunate ones, I'm not one of those 750,000, nor have I ever been - But it doesn't mean it doesn't scare me. I was going to reel off some terrifying figures about how many teens and adults are currently unhappy with their body but instead I want to do something different.
In todays society we see so many scaremongering articles in the newspapers and online that tell us how we're all doomed to feel shit about ourselves thanks to the media and what's deemed as "perfect". It's as if it's an accepted fact, something that's inevitable, regardless of our parents, friends and our education. And whilst there may be some truth to it, I believe that we can all look at the world in a different way.
When I said that looking at a pretty girl in the street made me feel rubbish, I didn't mean a size 6 model with the perfect hair and legs up to her chin. I realise now that regardless of all of that, what I envied most was their confidence - the fact that regardless of what they were wearing, they emanated beauty by how they carried themselves.
Regardless of whether you feel you could be "perfect" by dropping those extra pounds, learning how to do your make-up or buying the most fashionable clothes, please just remember - The thing people truly remember the most about you is what makes you unique, the parts of you that you cannot change.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and we currently live together. I've tried dressing up for him many times to see his reaction and yet he never seemed to notice. He never seemed to care, and that's something that would regularly upset me. Until yesterday.
I was feeling pretty crappy about myself so I'd decided to just wear a baggy jumper, jeans and shove my hair up into bun. When he got home from work the first thing he said to me was "You look nice. I love your hair today."
It felt amazing. And when we'd had an argument the week before (caused by my self esteem issues - I won't go into detail) I shouted at him asking why the hell he was even with me. The reasons he gave me were totally unexpected:
" I love the way you are a complete idiot. When you're angry you lick your top lip, when you laugh your nose scrunches up so much it just makes me want to laugh more. You are smart, funny and you accomplish things at work that shock me and make me so proud. You will laugh with me over things that aren't even funny and we can have conversations about absolutely nothing. I just love you."
He never once mentioned make-up, or weight or how I dress.
I have found that in my own experience, the people in my life that I think are the most beautiful are the ones who have the personalities to go with it. Short lived appreciation for the way you look feels really great and I'm not trying to take that away from anyone - But knowing that you have people who love you because of things that make you unique - THAT is truly special.
Next time you look in a mirror and see the extra inch around your hips that you hate, or you realise one of your eyebrows are wonky - Or even when the guy or girl you like doesn't share your feelings, please remember this is not a reflection on YOU. Licking your lip when you're angry, scrunching up your nose when you're laughing and all the stupid stuff you do without even realising your doing it - That is what makes you truly beautiful. Not the image of perfection you have in your head, implanted there by society - It's fake, and short lived. In 50 years there will be a new image of beautiful, one which you will likely laugh at.
And remember, for ever girl you look at walking down the street that you think is prettier, thinner and more fashionable than you - There will be one more girl doing the same to you.
As long as you are healthy, kind and a good person I truly believe you are more beautiful than the magazine models.
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