This may trigger some people because whether you want to admit it or not, everyone does at least a few of these things when dating. I am equally guilty of doing some of these things too.
As I have been on this site for a few weeks now, I keep seeing a common trend. The ladies will point out flaws and things that they notice guys doing while dating. After the ladies do this, guys will get triggered, and bash the post. When a guy posts something they notice about women and dating, the ladies will do the exact same thing. What we should be doing is piling all of this stuff up and learning from it. This website is GirlsAskGuys. We can get feedback from the opposite sex. This is a good thing. So use it. The issues that I see in the dating arena are as follows. As I said before, whether you're willing to admit it or not, YOU ARE GUILTY of doing some, if not all of these things. This essay is merely the observations on behaviors that I have seen in the dating pool.
Fear of Commitment
As we have grown up in an instagram, Facebook, and a world relying more and more on technology for every day things, both men and women have developed a lack of commitment that will only get worse if it is not corrected. Think back to the dates that you went on. How was the date set up? I'll take a wild shot in the dark, you set the date up with your phone. You met a person in real life or online, and then traded phone numbers and started texting. That is how the relationship progressed. Afterwards, let's say you started living together, but you soon realize it is easier to talk over text instead of in person. Think back to the last time you went out to dinner with your boyfriend, girlfriend, or your family. How many of you were on your cell phones, or how many people did you notice were on their cell phones in the restaurant? A vast majority of people have forgotten how to master the art of conversation. I would put money on the bet that you cannot have a 30 minute long conversation with someone that is not superficial. Now, please don't get me wrong, there are those whose job it is to talk for this long, are knowledgeable about a wide variety of topics, and can indeed hold an in depth conversation with others; however, for most, the conversation breaks down into uncomfortable silence. Now, I would ask that you think back and try to remember the last time you wrote you boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse a hand-written love letter, or a note apologizing for the fight you had last night. For the vast majority of people. They don't do this, and don't see the reason for doing this. I've heard people say that writing a love letter is antiquated. It means so much more though. To the person that you are sending that love letter to, it means so much more that you took the time to physically write them a letter instead of just texting I Love You, or I'm Sorry.
We have grown used to having social media, instant communication, and next day delivery. We unconsciously project these same expectations onto everything around us. If there is a traffic accident, and you're stuck on the highway behind this accident, you get annoyed because it's wasting your time. If the workers at the fast food place is taking too long to make your order, you get annoyed. We want things immediately; however, there are certain things that cannot be rushed. Job Satisfaction, Rising through the ranks to get a better salary, and relationships. The issue is that these things can not be rushed. They cannot be forced. They are slow, arduous, tedious processes that take months, years, and decades to develop. Too many people in today's society do not know how to form deep meaningful relationships. Gone are the days where you had to say no when you meant yes, yes when you meant no. You no longer have to wait until 9pm to call up your best friend, boy or girl interest so you wouldn't be charged by the phone company. Now a days, it's Swipe Right, I'm a Stud. Texting and social media sites like Facebook, instagram, twitter, and tinder have taken away the secrecy. That thrill of the chase. Once you're friends with someone on Facebook, you can scroll back in time and see the literal evolution of their mind. Maybe back in 2009, they liked nickelback, or they were heavily into One Direction. That mystery, that thrill disappears, and you no longer have to work to get that attractive guy or girl. This can be devastating to a long term relationship because that mystery is gone. You can no longer ask them what their favorite bands are, what are their dreams and aspirations because you already know all of that information. It is literally in the palm of your hand. Furthermore, because of these forms of communication, people today don't do commitments in relationships because they have this idealistic view of the world. They're seeing 5-10 years down the road. They are looking at marriage, having children, buying a house, and raising a family, etc. Yet, they don't see that mountain in front of them. That 5-10 year dream is the summit, and every day gets you one step closer; however, they always give up. I'll let you in on a secret. In a relationship, you're supposed to fight, you're supposed to argue. After the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and you come down off that high, that spark of lust, intrigue, fascination will die. It may take 3 months or a year, but eventually, it will die. Then the hard work begins. You'll fight, You'll cry, you'll be stressed about your job, money, etc. Marriage or any long term relationship is not something that comes easy. If you want it, then you're going to have to fight to keep it. People don't fight for what they want anymore. After the first or second major fight, you just toss in the towel, and wonder why you're single. As this section says, a relationship is a long term commitment to another person. You will have to fight to keep that commitment.
Severe Lack of Understanding
When was the last time that you could honestly say that you cared for the man or woman that you were dating? Not the superficial, societal expectations of caring, but legitimately cared to the very core of your being about that person. Very few people can answer yes. This is no fault of yours. You went through 5 relationships and threw everything into it that you could muster, but in the end, that relationship went up in flames like the Hindenburg. After repeated failure, somewhere along the line, you said that you were not going to let the next person do the same, so you started faking the smile, emotions, and everything else in the relationship, just so that you wouldn't get hurt again. Here is what people don't understand about relationships. PEOPLE COME WITH BAGGAGE! It may be childhood trauma, abuse from an ex, or insecurities about weight, the way you talk, depression, anxiety, etc. The list goes on and on. We are not perfect, and we build our reactions on our past experiences. Ladies, that guy who was insecure, timid, and quiet could have been the victim of an abusive ex (Yes ladies, men are victims of domestic assault too) Men, that woman who is reluctant to have sex with you after the fifth or sixth date could have been molested as a child, or raped at some point in her life. They will not openly talk about these things to people they just met. You could be the first person that they are dating after that incident. After the months of hiding in fear, they are putting their foot back out into the dating pool, and what happens. Because a man is insecure and timid, ladies, you leave him. Men, just because a woman does not put out does not mean that she is not interested in you, but alas, you leave her. Everyone is broken and has baggage in some way or form. If you're serious about that lady or gentleman, and want that relationship to last, you're going to have to deal with their idiosyncrasies, and baggage. Finally, when it comes to baggage, some people do not deal with their baggage, and hide it away. Slowly, it eats away at everything around them, and destroys their relationships. With this instagram/Facebook world we're living it, we have inadvertently learned how to put filters on how we are feeling. Everyone to some degree has trust issues, so when someone comes along and tries to help that man or woman with their baggage, they push them away, run away from that relationship, and end up single.
The Ideal Man or Woman
Both men and women tend to compare what they see on television and online to the real world. They look at that relationship formed over a 50-60 minute tv episode, or a 90 minute movie, and then they build their reality and expectations around that fairy tale image. Ladies are raised to want Prince Charming, with the physical features that consist of 6 pack abs, chiseled jawline, extremely masculine features, etc. Men were raised to believe that girls looked like cinderella or Snow White with long flowing hair, sing-song voice, skinny, and a damsel in distress the needed a strong man to save her. As children, we all wanted to be Superman, barbie, or whatever other unrealistic image of what men and women are expected to look like. This is a generalized statement for the men. Not every woman is going to be looking like Rita Hayworth, Marilyn Monroe, Brigit Bardot, Farrah Fawcett, Paulina Porizkova, Claudia Schiffer, Angeline Jolie, Halle Berry, or Scarlett Johansson. Ladies, not every guy you meet is going to look like Cary Grant, James Dean, Paul Newman, Clint Eastwood, Mel Gibson, Richard Gere, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, George Clooney, or Denzel Washington. They have those bodies and characteristics for one of three reasons. None of which can be comparable or thrust upon your dream man or woman.
1 Genetics: Some people are just born that way
2. Hard Work: Chris Hemsworth works out 6 days a week to get that 6-pack, but that is his job as an actor. He literally signed a contract saying he will get and maintain that appearance for the marvel movies.
3. Plastic Surgery: Money can make you look younger than you actually are through the use of plastic surgery. Look up the real life ken doll. aka, Justin Jedlica
Both men and women need to quit comparing their dates and significant others to what they see online, or on the television because it creates unrealistic expectations, and looks never lasts. If you go into a relationship thinking it's going to be some particular way, like your dreams or the tv episodes and movies, then that relationship is going to fail from the very beginning. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is their own individual person, with their own mind, opinions, body type, etc. Don't put unrealistic expectations on them for what you want them to be. That is not fair. Furthermore, the models you see in the magazine, and on the covers of Vanity Faire, Rolling Stones, Hustler, Playboy, etc are all photoshopped. You're wanting something that is both unattainable and something that does not exist.
Now I know I am going to get some heat for this, but this is directed towards the ladies specifically. This is an opinion that I have heard expressed multiple times on my college campus back in 2018, and now in the workforce as a programmer. I also see what is being posted on social media sites. Some men feel that at this point in time, in the post #MeToo movement, that dating is just too much of a risk to take. I have literally observed men keeping track of where they were, what they were doing, who they were with, etc. I have observed men refusing to meet women alone because of "What may happen." Typically, the actions of the few do not affect the actions of the many, but this is obviously not the case with these circumstances. Some men are extremely nervous to go to a bar, to be alone with a woman for just the mere allegation is enough to destroy their entire future. Back in 2018, a study conducted by The Society of Human Resource Management and found that 1/3 CEOs changed their behavior Post #MeToo. The Study cited that 5-10% of these changes could be cited as extreme. The study also said, "
“It’s really clear to say, these were not people who said they were engaged necessarily in inappropriate or even truly legal sexual harassment, but they said the perception is as important as anything, so they modified their behavior in response to it.”
Now, I will say this, this is not the fault of all women, and I am in no way asserting that the #MeToo movement was bad, but it does have unintended consequences that do affect the dating section of both men and women. It is something to always keep in mind. A guy could be head over heels for you, but because of what MAY happen, he doesn't go through with pursuing you. Again, I will state that this is not all men, but they are out there.
This section is called what each gender believes
What Men Believe
In a psychologytoday article, it is reported that,
"Men lament about being in a "no-win situation" in modern dating. If they follow what society tells them to do, they often end up "good guys" who are taken advantage of, mistreated, and disrespected. In contrast, if they follow more "assertive" biological imperatives, they are labeled "jerks" and "players"—who may get sexual gratification, but not love or respect from what they would consider a "good woman." Overall, they report that there is often little incentive for men to date and even less for them to consider long-term commitments.
If men choose to follow social norms and become compliant as "good guys," they may get a "relationship partner." However, due to women's social vs. biological double-bind, these compliant men may also not be "attractive" to those same relationship partners (Buss & Shackelford, 2008). As a result, they may be punished by their girlfriend's/wife's lack of sexual interest, being cheated on, or disrespected as a "pushover." These men may further be regarded as "just friends"—expected to pay for all of the costs of a relationship, without the physical and intimate benefits.
In contrast, if men shun social pressures to be "nice" and follow what is biologically attractive, they have a higher likelihood of getting "sex partners." However, these men are often punished by being socially labeled as "jerks," "players," or even "creeps," unfit for socially-defined relationships. Furthermore, their tactics are often designated as "sexist" (Hall & Canterberry, 2011). Therefore, these men may get sex, but they often do not get love and respect.
Overall, men in either case report also having a difficult time finding what they label "attractive" women for longer-term relationships. Men often define these women along evolutionary psychology lines—women who are sexually-selective, faithful, physically attractive, and have a pleasant, respectful disposition (for more on these qualities, see Buss, 2003). Unfortunately, these qualities are again part of women's double-bind, with social norms sometimes guiding them away from these biologically feminine characteristics."
What Women Believe
This is an excerpt from another PsychologyToday article that summarizes the dilemma that women face in today's dating arena.
"Socially, today's woman is encouraged, empowered (and perhaps expected) to do it all. This, in itself, often causes extreme stress for the "super woman" and "super mom." Social norms tell her she is expected to succeed in work, run her home, raise the perfect children, and be attractive and chipper too. It is a tall order. It is also an order that requires women to be intelligent, motivated, powerful, and in control.
Given those social instructions, women are motivated to "choose" men for how well they mesh with their life plan, goals, and ideals. Essentially then, some women choose to "attach" to men who are cooperative, agreeable, supportive, and often take the lead in areas the woman finds important. From a cultural standpoint, men who are categorized as "disagreeable" or "opinionated" or who expect women to "acquiesce" may be considered unappealing as "attachment" partners.
Unfortunately, however, many of those "culturally undesirable" male traits are similar and overlapping with the traits that are biologically "attractive." Although not always true, often the man who is intelligent, high status, and ambitious will be unlikely to take a back seat, follow, and submit in a romantic relationship. Generally speaking, men who have "leadership characteristics" may want to lead in many situations.
With those two "feelings" juxtaposed, women often find themselves unfulfilled in love. Many who I talk to seem to hover between what they call "nice guys" and "jerks" in their dating life. They become attracted to "jerks" for their status, ambition, and dominance—only to be hurt when those men don't live up to the cooperative and considerate cultural standard for an attachment partner. Women then may gravitate towards a culturally prescribed "nice guy," only to find that they become bored, their libido wanes, and their eyes wander back to "jerks." Either way, they find the relationships largely frustrating and unsatisfying."