Society & Politics

Why Wales Owns America's Ass!

Its time to change the flag
It's time to change the flag

Since America is in such turmoil I thought I'd write a little mytake on how we welsh are to blame for all your troubles. Warning contains more triggers than Trump rally.

WALES IS TO BLAME FOR THE British CLAIM TO AMERICA

Look theyre using round boats what more proof do you need
Look they're using round boats what more proof do you need

Prince Madog and his mates settled in Alabama (no it doesn't explain Alabama's incest obsession) in the 12th century becoming part of the Mandan tribe who spoke welsh and adapted many welsh customs. Unfortunately they were wiped out by small pox but their existence was used as evidence of British ownership by queen Elizabeth 1 during disputes with spain. Although the evidence of this is debatable (lets be honest every country claims to have found America before Columbus) without it the British may never had a part in the early colonisation of America. It also accounts for a lot of the racism and persecution of native Americans at the time.

https://www.historic-uk.com/HistoryUK/HistoryofWales/The-discovery-of-America-by-Welsh-Prince/
https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2019/07/20/uk/welsh-americas-history-intl-hnk/index.html

WALES HAS DOMINATED American POLITICS
At least 5 of the signatories of the Declaration of Independence were Welsh or of recent Welsh descent, and there have been at least 8 US Presidents with Welsh ancestry, including Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams and John Quincy Adams. If we stretch the ancestory tree a bit we can include Nixon and Obama. Hillary Clinton also claims welsh heritage and she actually does look very welshy.

https://hisdoryan.co.uk/american-presidents-of-welsh-descent.

So it's fair to say we've had a long history of fucking your country up. Just remember the next time your shot because you split a guys pint it was the welsh who gave him the right to carry a gun

WE OWN AMERICA, IT'S WRITTEN IN STONE.

Bonus points if you can produce it
Bonus points if you can produce it

One of the memorial stones on the Washington Monument is inscribed with “Fy iaith, fy ngwlad, fy nghenedl, Wales – Cymru am byth” - My language, my land, my nation, Wales – Wales forever. However this is often mistranslated as "One Language; one Country, our Birthplace, Wales forever. It's a good example of welsh grammar and how words mutate according to the last letter of the previous word so be grateful we let you speak English. More importantly it cements our claim to your country.

WE'RE BRILLIANT AT ORGANIZED CRIME

They were a better class of gangster back then
They were a better class of gangster back then

Al Capone’s accountant Llewelyn Humphreys, aka Murray the Hump, came from a Powys family and at one point was America’s most wanted man. He took control of the mob after Capone’s incarceration. Apart from killing a few people he was generally a nice bloke.

WALES GOT TRUMP ELECTED

Joseph ‘Job’ Daniels from Aberystwyth, West Wales, emigrated to the US in the 18th century. His grandson Jack went on to create Jack Daniels whiskey and inspired millions of alcoholics across the USA becoming the get pissed quick option of rednecks n hillbillies everywhere. Thanks to Wales millions of Americans go so drunk they voted Trump.

More recently, thanks to JD millions of Trump supporters were too drunk to post their vote.

WE'VE MADE A HUGE IMPRESSION ON HOLLYWOOD. A BIG BLOOD SPLATTED IMPRESSION

The Hollywood sign girl
The Hollywood sign girl

Peg Entwistle a welsh actress from Port Talbot (Probably the worst place in wales if not the world, famous for the terrible smell of the steel works) became the first person to commit suicide by leaping off the H of the famous Hollywood sign in 1932.

WALES RUINED YOUR CHILDHOOD

Robert Recorde was the first person to use the modern equals (=) and plus (+) signs in a publication. Born in 1512, in Tenby (a popular tourist town called "Dinbych-y-pysgod" in welsh pronounced deenbick eh piss god" meaning fort of the fish).
Not only did he invent the modern symbols for equals and plus, but he also produced the first English language book on algebra, and invented possibly the best word of all time, “Zenzizenzizenzic”, which means ‘the eighth power’.
Robert Recorde isn’t the only Welshman to have invented a mathematical symbol. William Jones, born in Anglesey in 1675, invented the modern symbol for Pi.

Thanks to their contributions the lives of millions of American school children have been made a misery as they sat through hours of math classes learning stuff they'll never need.

WALES PLAYED A SMALL PART IN THE BLACK STRUGGLE

"It’s from the miners in Wales I first understood the struggle of Negro and white together.”- Paul Robeson

The welsh arent racist, as long as youre not English of course
The welsh aren't racist, as long as you're not English of course

Paul Robeson was a black lawyer and entertainer who struggled to find work because of Americas racist system and is the founder of the American Crusade Against Lynching. Like the black folk we Welshies like a bit of singing and it was the singing of a protest group of welsh miners marching on London that first drew his attention. He provided the miners with food, clothing and train tickets home but most importantly It was his interactions with the miners’ cause and witnessing the harsh working conditions and trade union movement that ignited Robeson’s political activism and changed his view on the world.
Although seen as a hero in wales, Americans view helping people as socialism and Robeson’s recording and films were removed from public distribution and he was vilified in the US press as a Communist and a traitor.

So there you have it, Wales owns your asses, always has done always will.

Why Wales Owns America's Ass!
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