Before I explain to you how racism works or what led me to becoming a racist person, I want to introduce myself. I am a political science major with a minor in Interntional affairs. I am a perfectionist that suffers from depression and anxiety. I have experienced a lot of traumas in my short adult life and the reason I became a political science major is because I want to have an impact on the world. I will first explain to you where it started (a brief introduction), how racism works in a similar way that covid works, what led me to becoming racist, how I plan to make it up to myself and how I am still recovering.
My introduction to race
For most of my life, I was colorblind. I was put under foster care by my mother due to my father being killed. My mother became unstable and committed suicide (she did this shortly after telling me goodbye and putting me under foster care). I was never adopted and grew up around a diverse group of people and children from all sorts of backgrounds. I had many Mexican friends that had similar stories to mine that had their parents killed by drug cartel violence and were seeking asylum.
In short, I did know what race was, but I saw it was something very minor and not important to a person's character to me. This belief and colorblind world I lived in was ruined when Trump ran for president and started getting the whole country talking about race. I now started to become hyper racially aware of differences between races of people.
How racism works
Racism works in the same way a virus does in terms of how it spreads. The problem with being racist is that you cannot contain your hatred to yourself. You have to unleash it out into the world. Racist people unleash it in multiple ways. Some will commit a mass shooting like Patrick Crusius did to Hispanics in the Walmart shooting. However, most racist people like myself unleash it by spreading it. We want others to share the same beliefs and it is hard to contain these beliefs to yourself, so you spread it. For example, a racist person might post a racist question on GAG or somewhere else or maybe make a post or maybe tell his or her friends about their beliefs.
People like me who are already suffering from mental illnesses are prone to becoming infected given the right circumstances such as exposure to racism or encountering other racist people that unleash their hatred onto you. Not everyone is guaranteed to be infected and unlike COVID, there are no masks to protect yourself from becoming infected. It can happen to anyone.
What led me to becoming a racist person
I joined a few discord servers that were basically white female supremacist and black male supremacist groups. If you talk to a lot of these white women, they will tell you that white skin is the most feminine and beautiful while dark skin is the most masculine and sexy. There are videos of white girls with "black lives matter" written on their backs in doggystyle position and videos of girls on leashes being walked like a dog by black guys. It was just a super toxic environment.
The first emotional reaction I had to this was that I cried and was saddened because I now understood where racism comes from or one of the ways it happens which is by "reactionary racism."
Reactionary racism is encountering racist people being racist to you so then you return the same hatred back onto them. If you are still confused, think about relationships. If you date a really toxic person, they will bring out the worst in you and you have a high chance of becoming toxic yourself (reactionary toxicity).
BNWO means black new world order which basically tries to get white women to have babies with black guys to genocide the white race by breeding them out. An ace of spades is a white girl that views white skin as most feminine and beautiful while only being attracted to black skin and sees it as most masculine. These are just a few things I learned on these sites to try to understand where they were coming from.
It just basically has become okay to be racist to white guys today. Reactionary racism is how I became racist. Oh well. Next topic.
Going to explain how I am still recovering
Racism to me is like a light switch now. The important thing is that this is a huge improvement compared to the way my mind used to be two years ago back to where it all began mostly. When the switch turns on, I am back to being the racist person I used to be. Remember in the beginning how I mentioned that I was a perfectionist? The past of my racist beliefs still haunts me, and I feel guilt, shame and embarrassment for ever having these beliefs especially after having an episode. The duration of the light switching on is less and less now. Before, it would remain constantly on all the time. Now, it is less and less time that it stays on. Maybe one day, it will permanently be turned off. As for now, I am still recovering. I wanted to share this to try to explain how racism works or one of the ways how people can become racist which in my case happened by reactionary racism.
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