Is is NOT okay if if a man doesn't ogle, flirt, or attempt to get into a girl's pants at work?

[Adaeva]

She is not happy when men don't flirt.

Hi all I'm posting this on an alt because I know a few of my friends are following me on here and I don't want this spilling out until I have some clear thoughts on what I want to do.

TL, DR; A colleague joined our firm last year and since then he has had zero issues socializing with the guys we work with but always finds an excuse or says no to hanging out with the girls after work, even if we go out together as a whole he rarely talks to us and it's making some of my friends uncomfortable.

So early last year our firm hired Dan. In the first few weeks he was really quiet and didn't talk much and that's just how we thought he was. Every conversation with him was short and to the point and never deviated from work, asides from pleasantries (Have a nice weekend etc). About 2 months in he started becoming a bit more friendly with the guys in our office and they would hang out every so often and have normal conversations. However, whenever any of the girls in the office tried to do so he would quickly change the conversation back to work or just not reply. Even now after a year of Dan working with us he straight up refuses to socialize with the girls in the office and it is making them feel uncomfortable. He avoids any discussion of himself outside of work related events and future plans and doesn't ask any of the girls either.

Where as he is, what I can only assume, pretty good friends with the guys in the office. Even on work meals out to celebrate events he is only doing the bare minimum when it comes to conversation with the girls where again with the guys he talks to them like there is no problem whatsoever. I don't know if I'm overreacting but one of the girls is considering go to HR about this because she is saying its creating a hostile work environment. Dan treats us like he treats clients we work with; cordial and strictly about business and its wearing thin now. Any advice is appreciated.

[abc3643]

If I didn't know this was you @adaeva, I'd say this a troll.

First, HR isn't going to do shit here because he ISN'T creating a hostile working environment. He's doing nothing that legally is creating a hostile working environment. The woman who is complaining needs to grow up and get an attitude adjustment.

Meanwhile, there is a distinct possibility that "Dan" keeps his mouth shut for two reasons - likely mutually exclusive.

1. Dan has been burned by over-reactionary female coworkers (like this one *) bitching to HR before. However, it is possible that Dan was inappropriate in an earlier job and that the complaint to HR before was justified. Either way, Dan learns "Avoid females if you don't want to get burned by HR." (*)

2. Dan is gay.

(*) Poor Dan; this is a "damned if you do or damned if you don't" situation.
Earlier, he gets burned by HR because of interacting with a complaining female.
Now, he may get burned by HR because of NOT interacting with a complaining female.
That woman is unbelieveable!

>>>>>> Advice to friend:

Yes, she is overreacting and I have advice for HER friend: If she complains to HR over Dan's being cold, she's not going to hurt Dan but hurt her own reputation. HR is going to silently think "Uh oh... a real Karen here. She's going to bitch about every little thing." And then HR will be dismissive of her. She needs to read the Aesop Fable: "The Shepherd Boy & The Wolf" aka "The Boy Who Cried Wolf".

https://www.storyarts.org/library/aesops/stories/boy.html
https://read.gov/aesop/043.html

[Adaeva]

Links: ifunny.co/.../the-women-in-our-office-submitted-4-hours-ago-by-ZYF5mPKGA
www.reddit.com/.../

[Adaeva]

Also, Google "Men avoiding women at work." Lots of sites and several on YouTube. Mostly the sites indicate that women are complaining because men are following Mike Pence. I believe men are overreacting because men can protect themselves without avoiding women in the workplace.

[Grond21]

Men CAN'T protect themselves from women in the workplace. You have that backwards.

[Truthatanycost]

I've known guys that have lost their job due to false allegations. I've known managers that have been transferred due to them. And since a man can never predict how something he says will be perceived, he cannot protect himself. I've seen women threaten to report men to HR while the one they found attractive says even worse things... but receives giggles and encouragement.

[Grond21]

You nailed it on the head

[Tstrbrainer]

Hmmm, that's strange, it's unacceptable when he tries to make things sexual in workplace and it's unacceptable if he just don't want to interact either.

I think this is a hypothetical scenario, anyway if it's real tell that woman that some dudes just don't want anything to do with a woman if they don't see sex happening.

[Evananswersquestions]

He may just have a girlfriend who doesn't like him having female friends so he wants to respect that. It's also possible he worries girls will think he's creepy or weird. Try to initiate a conversation and bring it up with him if you feel comfortable. I'm sure he has a good reason for his behavior and will be able to explain it himself. If you don't want to ask have a male colleague ask for you.

[DWornock]

Of course, it should be okay. The reason is, he is a hot guy and the women hate it when a hot guy doesn't try to get into their pants. The problem is HR is mostly women, that hate men. Therefore, they automatically believe any women who complains and are emotionally incapable of looking for basing their decisions on the evidence.

The USA is so screwed up, it is pathetic. However, such things must become far worse before necessity will force changes. Only after 25% of men are punished and fired over the lies women tell will these evil things change. Then only because our economy cannot afford the loss of so many productive men.

[Grond21]

What if he just wants to be left alone? Geez, a hostile work environment? This is insane! Maybe he used to be friendly with women, and one of them didn't like him so she reported him for a hostile work environment. Then he gets super cautious of women, as is highly reasonable, and she still wants to report him? Can we not live an let live? He is doing nothing to you, so just leave him alone

[Grond21]

I see this isn't your original question. Why ask it?

[Adaeva]

There is no such thing as an original question.

[Grond21]

Says who?

[Adaeva]

Show me an original question and not one that is just worded differently.

[Grond21]

And how would you know if it's original or just something you haven't seen?

[Adaeva]

I would Google and see if I can find it. Regardless, you didn't show me one.

[Grond21]

No, I didn't. Nor did I claim I could. I am only challenging your position that there are no original questions. I don't see how you can know that

[Fireguy17]

So are you complaining that he hasn't made a move on you?
Some/many people are just not gregarious by nature.
Others are.
That is who he is, and as uncomfortable it makes you feel think of how he feels.
It might be very painful for him to be in a group setting.
So don't try to force someone into a situation just for your benefit.
Think of them first.

[Anonymous]

Lets be real here. None of them would care what Dan was doing if he wasn't attractive...

[Adaeva]

I agree.

[Surely]

With the double negative in your question. I am assuming that you think that men are expected to do everything that you listed in a work environment.
That isn’t permissible any more account of some women will use those reasons to file sexual harassment against men for either revenge or personal gain.
A smart man will leave those thoughts at the door!

[Billlewis]

Even if you were over 18, I wouldn't dare try to seduce you, because I know you'd probably slice me to pieces, figuratively speaking, of course.

[Adaeva]

I might like it if you close to my age.

[Billlewis]

Oh my goodness... that's wonderful!

[trustman34]

I dont know what to say i need friend and can't find if someone wnna talk me i can accept

[robocop666]

I check girls out everywhere but keep my words and thoughts to myself.

[Paul_in_Indy]

Is it not OL if he doesn’t?