Feel like an afterthought in my BFs life, talking to him tomorrow - tips/advice on doing this?

[Songbird]

Sorry about the length. My partner and I have been dating for going on 9 months. Lately I've been feeling like an afterthought in his life in terms of seeing each other. He just seems to prefer to make time to spend with his friends e.g. there's an upcoming event that's important to me which he didn't want to go to but then wound up getting tickets to with his friends, he knows I'm not happy about that but it's too late to change anything now.

We live an hours drive from each other and are both busy but so far I'm the only one who makes the commute to spend time together. I don't *think* he wants me to feel this way, I just don't think he realizes how he's making me feel. I don't want to break up with him, I care about him a lot, but at the same time I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and make me a priority in their life.

So, I obviously have to talk to hm about this, but I'm not sure how to do so without putting him on the defensive. I want a discussion and to sort this out, not a fight. Tips/tricks/advice on talking about this sort of thing with guys would be much appreciated.

Updates

+1 y

We had a chat, and he said he didn't realize I was upset and doesn't mind changing around plans with friends to visit me where I am when I'm free, he hasn't offered because he doesn't want to invite himself around and feel like he's imposing. So we'll see how things go.

[CaptainJackH]

It's VERY simple. You are the one making all the efforts. Socially speaking, you're more into him than he is into you. He won't commute to see you? Any reason? I would commute to see someone I gave a sh*t about.

Also if you're already thinking about "break up with him" then it's already there, the seed is planted, and rightfully so. You care about him a lot...that much is clear, but you aren't a priority in his life. Nor should you be ...but you should at least feel somewhat important...which is not happening it seems.

He also got tickets to the SAME event as you? I mean this isn't ringing any strong bells for you already?

Honestly ...talking to him about "changing" his attitude almost sounds rather stupid...and trying to change HIM or how he feels about you. Naturally I don't take the girls perspective of "if I asked you to do it ...then I asked and that's why you did it..i wanted you to want to do/know/react in this way"

People are just not on the same brain pattern as you. So excuse him for that...tell him...but if he doesn't change...it's rather useless.

[Anonymous]

Make him commute to you. It's not your job.

If he doesn't want to do any effort, you should just find another guy.

[wallflowervulpine]

Sounds kind of like my recent relationship, except he cheated on me, but he tells me how much love he has for me regardless, of his slip up. What you need to do is talk to him and going into the conversation, even though you do not want to break up, you need to know that the possible outcome might result in a break-up, for better or worst. He might have lost that 'passion' that was once there, or he is willing to move on from the relationship. I know it sucks, but if he doesn't feel the same way even after you both have talked through it, it would be in benefit for you both to end it. I would just generally bring up one small thing you wanted to talk about that you may have mentioned once or twice to him before, to have a foot in the door for the discussion. When you talk to him, don't focus so much on what he is doing wrong, that makes you feel bad, but focus on the relationship and what you see is weakening. Of course bring up issues that really are bugging you, and the feelings you feel, but keep in mind to not make it sound like you just want to throw fault on him all.

[Kendra2014]

Just use the I message technique.. tell him " I feel blank when you do blank can you not do that anymore" It's a nice way of putting your feelings out in the open and what bothers you. If he's a good guy he will understand and this will not turn into a fight. If he gets defensive and begins fighting that it's not his fault blah blah blah, then you just need to really think about the good things and bad things in your relationship. If the bad out weigh the good then it's time for a different guy. I'm sorry, hope it all goes well for you.

[Songbird]

thank you for the practical response :) that's the technique I tend to use if I'm upset about something, it comes across far less accusatory

[Anonymous]

make him chase you again! You gotta bring the flame back and make him beg to spend time with you.. You gotta work for his attention and time. I discovered this with my last relationship... I got lazy...

so change up your look, be sexy, be the girl every guy wants.