The Five Stages of a Long Haul Road Trip

Anonymous
The Five Stages of a Long Haul Road Trip

*Warning: all road trips are different. Saying that this is not what you personally experienced is irrelevant because I've already said, all roads are different, duh!

STAGE ONE: EXCITEMENT

Hell yeah! You idiots managed to all get together, get the time off, scrounge up the money, rent or borrow a decent car, pack, and all get in the car at or around the designated time you scheduled so you can make it to your next official destination before dark. Snacks are plentiful, the gas tank is full, everyone is in a friggin' good mood, you don't have to deal with airport security, you all packed your extra large bottles of lotion, perfume, three coolers, 16 extra pillows, and those heavy *ss boots that can't ever fit underweight at the airport. You're ready! Here you all go!

The Five Stages of a Long Haul Road Trip

STAGE TWO: IT'S NOT RIGHT, BUT IT'S OKAY

Sighhhhhhhhhhh....It's been like 6 or 7 hours and three stops. You love the countryside, but this is A LOT of countryside and not a lot of action because to stop again, means you're losing time, and it's starting to get dark and who knows if the GPS will conk out again and leave you having to turn around twice like after the last stop in the middle of bum f*ck no where. Who? Who I say, actually finishes a book on tape and has to start another one? Also who knew your friend had such bad musical taste? You would have never agreed to "driver controls the radio" if you had known it would be Bieber for 3 hours. Your head hurts. You want out or need to use the bathroom. Definitely use the bathroom, but you were threatened by the apparent leader of this trek to use the bathroom at the last stop, and you swore you didn't need to even after everyone else went. Idiot.

STAGE THREE: ARE WE THERE YET?

The roadside hotel was sh*t, but at least it had a semi-decent shower and there was a McDonald's nearby. This time you did go to the bathroom. Are you there yet? Are you there...yet? How about now? Or now? Or even now? It's been another 4 hours on the road, and what in theory seemed like it was going to be a breezy ride with four capable drivers, has turned into more of a locked cage with all the crazies. You've fought now three times. Once over your friend trying to say he shouldn't have to drive as much as everyone else, once over your other friend attempting to put in Bieber again, and once over which way IS the fastest way to get there. Flying seems like an amazing idea right now! I mean, if they could just drop you off at the nearest airport, that-a-be great. At this point, you don't know how many more handfuls of trail mix, fast food, road trip games you can play, or canned beverages you can ingest before you snap.

STAGE FOUR: ARRIVAL

First of all, f*ck whoever farted in your face while you were sleeping! Real f*ckin' classy! Second of all, no one talk to anyone for the next hour. You've reached your destination and though you thought this trip was going to bond you and make you the best of friends, after 22 hours of driving together, you're over it. You're over them. You're over that car that turned out not to have as much leg room as advertised. You want, no, neeeeedddd fresh air, fresh water, fresh food, fresh clothes, to run around in what's left of the sunshine, to not be locked in or locked out, to talk to other people who don't know what that 22 hours was like. You're here. You're not crying. You're not kissing the ground. Who are you kidding, yes you are. You unpack like the car is on fire and race to your room so you can pick out the good bed and call dibs on whoever doesn't snore.

The Five Stages of a Long Haul Road Trip

STAGE FIVE: DEPARTURE

For some strange reason, seven days in your destination has made you blissfully forget what 22 hours in that metal can of a car actually felt like. Everyone is relaxed and really sort of ready to head home and to their own beds...if only that could happen more automatically then 3 more days on the road and two crappy hotels. No one is really on time for departure. In fact, everyone wanted to stop and eat before checkout time, and then sit out in the sun a bit more, before someone finally warns that, if you all don't leave now, it's going to be midnight, but you know, no matter what, by the time you do leave, it will be midnight before you get to that first crappy hotel. The mood is a lot quieter, a bit more somber on the road back. Some still have bits and pieces of the first day excitement in their voice. They stay awake and chat about the good times, and you realize, they really have been good times and you were lucky to do it with your friends and/or family. You join into these conversations bringing up all the funny things that have happened along the way, yes, yes, including being farted on. A few days later, home looms on the horizon, and you're all both happy and sad to be back. It wasn't so bad. In fact, it was the best of times. Road trip next year anyone?

The Five Stages of a Long Haul Road Trip
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