What is Your State Like? A Comedic Take on Illinois

[hammeronfire]

Inpsired by @Pink2000 for her take on Oklahoma, i have decided to share my comedic take on the state of Illinois

here's where it is

Illinois is basically split up into two parts in my opinion, and those parts are Chicago, and not Chicago. Chicago consists of not only the city of Chicago and Cook County, but also the surrounding counties of: McHenry, Lake, Kane, Dupage, and, the best county of them all, "Trill" Will County!

this is chicago. all of it is chicago. even if the people there have never been to chicago, this is all chicago

Illinois, contrary to what people who aren't in Chicagoland will tell you, only has one big city and that is Chicago. people down south will try to claim Peoria is a big city and the people out west will try to claim Moline, but they are small towns in comparison.

this is a map of where cities are speculated to be

there's lots of misconceptions about Illinois. the biggest one is that anything actually exists outside of chicago. while there are many people who will tell you that Illinois, in fact, is more that just chicago, our license plates would beg to differs you can clearly see the Sears Tower and the rest of the chicago skyline next to some building in the fictional city of Springfield, home of The Simpsons.

see what i mean

illinois has 2 big colleges thats fandoms dominate the state. i made sure to specify that it was fandoms dominating because the sports teams sure don't. those schools are The University of Illinois, and Northwestern University. U of I might as well run out a team of high school freshmen and see if they could do any better on the football field, (spoiler alert, they could) and though Northwestern has been consistently getting better, they are still struggling to fill the stadium on saturdays. The biggest games in the state are when U of I and Northwestern play eachother. bragging rights for these games normally go to the 12 Northwestern fans in attendance, as U of I just can't seem to win anything in any sports.

go Northwestern

there's a bunch of things to do in chicago. notice how i said chicago and not illinois because I'm still not entirely sure anything outside of chicago is actually real. I've been told there's a bunch of corn out there. one place i can confirm exists outside of chicago is Matthieson Park. located in what i assume is a town populated by scarecrows called Oglesby, its a really nice place to visit. the scenery is amazing and the waterfalls are huge.

this place is awesome I've been here

thats just one of the many beautiful places speculated to be in this state.

in chicago, there are many different places to go, most notably, Navy Pier and Wrigley Field.

navy pier

Wrigley Field, the greatest baseball stadium ever, fuck Fenway.

there is also an amazing night life in chicago. the many bars, clubs and theaters make for an endless amount of things to do downtown.

contrary to what the NRA would have you believe, Chicago isn't even in the top 20 of violent crime cities according to CBS https://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/the-most-dangerous-cities-in-america/3/

of course we have problems like every other city, but we aren't the worst and thats something to be proud of.

Chicago has 4 major professional sports teams and those are the Bears, Cubs, Blackhawks and Bulls. I don't count the White Sox because they don't play to the level a major league team should... also because their name is misleading; they wear black socks.

why even name the team the white sox if you don't wear white socks?

thats pretty much it. would you consider coming to chicago and or risking your life trying to find out if the rest of the state is real or not? please let me know in the comments and have a nice day :)

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

I have a few questions about Illinois:

- Does the state constitution mandate that you have to elect criminals, or is that just a tradition?

- How many Millennium Park beans can you fit in the Effingham Cross?

- If you drive into Chicago from somewhere else in the state, is your vision green tinted from staring at nothing but hundreds of miles of corn for hours?

- If the farmers all rebelled and drove their tractors into Chicago, would there be enough bankers and hipsters to throw at them to keep them from reaching all the rich people on the north side?

- Why is the racial tension in Chicago so thick you could cut it with a knife?

- I've heard two theories about why they call Chicago the "Windy City": 1) because wind comes off the Lake and is funneled down city streets, and 2) because of the long-winded nature of Chicago politicians. Can you shed any light on this?

- Everybody knows that when it comes to sports, Northwestern is basically the special ed kid of the Big 10. Why doesn't UIUC pick on somebody their own size?

- Does Chicago not know about modern advances in cleaning technology, or is everything dirty for some other reason?

[hammeronfire]

tradition
maybe 4?
i dont know i dont dare venture out into the unknown land of scarecrows and wild animals. im not sure if humans are out there, but if they are, they are living a walking dead lifestyle
us southsiders dont like the northside so they could have at em
because the city is segregated. sarcasm aside for a second, when my and many other black peoples ancestors made their way up here to escape the south, racist housing and loan policies made it so that we could only live in certain places which is why the suburbs here are virtually all white and the south and west sides are virtually all black. then racist social policies made it so that we were down trodden and we basically escaped the south to go to south 2.0 and im really not sure why northerners hate southerners so much because of race stuff because its bad up here too. back to the sarcasm now lol
both are true
because northwestern keeps beating them all the time. if they wanna pick on someone their own size they gotta

[hammeronfire]

play eastern or state
the wind makes dirt go everywhere. its a hassle

[spartan55]

Hey! Easy on State! Lol

[Anonymous]

I live in the suburbs and downtown and I love Chicago, but living there is basically a scam. I’ve been to plenty of cities, and Chicago has been the cleanest and most artistic by far. Sadly, the state government is bad enough that I’d move away.

[WalterRadio]

"Chicago has been the cleanest and most artistic by far"
It sounds like you haven't seen the other half of the city. Obviously, since you are still alive.

[Opinion Owner]

I was referring to the downtown area. Tourists don’t care for the rest of it.

[hammeronfire]

fuck you @walterradio thats not cool. its not even the worst. I've been through englewood countless times. i go to church in grand boulevard. I've hung out in beverly. its not what the media would have you believe. there's good people there

[OnlyYouKnowThat]

My state is New South Wales it is bigger than Texas and Alaska and has a population of about 8 million people. Far inland it is dry outback with small towns and some big sheep and wheat farms, less further inland is more green with dairy farms, wilderness, and vineyards where you can try nice wines. In the north of the state it is warm, almost sub-tropical but in the south it can snow in some parts during the winter. The coast line is amazingly beautiful with some great surf beaches with golden sand. The coast is dotted with some nice little towns, bays and inlets. There are a lot of really nice vacation spots. It is a great state for a road trip or for enjoying the outdoors. The state capital is Sydney which is overcrowded, expensive, pretentious and not so friendly. But Sydney also has some nice beaches, restaurants and it is famous for it's big natural harbour with the iconic bridge and opera house. Generally NSW has low crime, clean, safe towns and cities and a very high standard of living.

[ShortCircuit]

I am from Southern Illinois and can confirm that there is nothing but cornfields anywhere throughout the state besides Chicago and Springfield.

You should have added a part about how shitty the weather is. It's 80-90 degrees every day from March to November, and 20-30 degrees every day for the rest of the year. Also, it is wet and muggy year round, and the weather is never calm. There is always either heavy wind or some sort of precipitation.

[hammeronfire]

don't get me started on the weather. up here its over a hundred almost every day in the summer, and in the winter it gets down to below zero because of the lake effect

[ShortCircuit]

Yeah, we don't even have "fall" and "spring". We have "windy summer" and "rainy summer". Illinois is the worst state in the country, in literally every regard.

[SuccessfulHornDog]

I would kill to have 80-90 from march to November. Something tells me that's not true.

[hammeronfire]

@SuccessfulHornDog you'd be suprised. march to October we get the weirdest fucking weather

[SuccessfulHornDog]

You should enjoy that. I would

[ShortCircuit]

@SuccessfulHornDog You're probably used to dry weather. You would not be wishing for 80-90 degree weather if you had to endure the kind of humidity that we do.

[hammeronfire]

oh god the humidity. its like breathing in soup

[ShortCircuit]

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[ImSoSquishy]

I live at NYC, there's garbage all over the floor, people get robbed, stabbed, shot, murdered, getting into fist fights, unprovoked attacks, racist people shouts racial slurs at you for no reason, arguing over a seat in the subway, and etc. is the common everyday thing here.

[BuchitaBuchys]

As a Chicagoan, I can confirm that nothing exists out of Illinois.

[BuchitaBuchys]

*Chicago

[spartan55]

You didn't mention you get taxed for tying your shoes on Illinois.

[Pink2000]

Thankyou for this take. I’ve always wanted to go to Illinois

[Malik00]

Agreed people can say what they want, but at the end of the day chicago is my home. And i would rather be here over LA or Sanfran any day of the week.

[DarganKorodanya]

Ha. More eventful than my Russian city. Druzhinino, Sverdlovsk. Crime to left, crime to the right. Ran down apartment buildings all around. At least in my part of the city.

[Anonymous]

It sucks. People are bitter, they don’t like newcomers. Fake and petty. And during winter ❄️ it reaches -15.

ND

[Anonymous]

Was is necessary to insult Fenway park with your fuck Fenway caption?

[hammeronfire]

key word, COMEDIC

[pooper89]

It’s known for the ganja

[ladsin]

Good try government

[hammeronfire]

don't need to the government in this state is so bad nothing i could say would be even remotely as funny as what actually happens

[xxBrookexx]

Not sure not from America hun x

[Secretgardenblood]

Nice take