I've always been the kind of girl who'd socialize but somewhat keep to herself. I'd hang out with friends but be the least talkative. I'd go on dates but let the guy talk more about himself while I'd give little information about myself. Yet, at the same time I don't think I know how to be happy without depending on others.
This past year, I've lost my grandmother whose illness worsened during her stay at an awful hospital, a high school teacher to cancer, two college professors who left, and a guy I spent time with everyday until he cut me off out of the blue with no explanation whatsoever.
I have a history of anxiety/depression on/off, and after those events I went through a dark phase. Tired of my illness and realizing my doctor can't do anything other than prescribe me pills, I decided to take full control, get to the bottom of my unhappiness, and eliminate whatever was the cause.
First of all, I let go of the guy who betrayed me and stopped crying over him. Next, I eliminated one of my closest girl friends who would do nothing but discourage me and boss me around about MY love life. A few weeks ago, something happened that has caused me to have second thoughts about a lifelong sisterhood. We've been best friends - and pending - since Kingergarten. She and I are currently not on speaking terms, and I'm debating whether or not this bond is worth saving.
Meanwhile, I've been complicatedly involved with a guy in my college dance class whom things were casual with until I caught feelings - yes, it's always the girl. He isn't looking for a relationship, so I am the fool. Great.
Here I am now, realizing that I lack independence. I don't know how to be happy on my own while I expect the people around me to stick around and love me.
On the other hand, Paul in Breakfast At Tiffany's says people belong to each other and need each other to be happy. The fact that he and Holly end up together in the end suggests that that is what Truman Capote believed and wanted to tell us, doesn't it?
So, which is it? Do we find happiness through independence or others?
Should my new year's resolution be to learn to be independent? Or to be more careful in selecting who I trust?