Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Everyone is getting ready for that day. Shops decorate their windows, people start wondering what to get to their partners. Valentine's Day is an opportunity to celebrate love. But what if you've never experienced love before?
I've been living on this earth for two decades. And I've never been loved. When I was little and there were romantic films on TV, I would dream of the day that someone would love me this way. If only I knew how disappointed I'd be later on. When I entered my teenage years, I felt that I could finally be able to experience what love felt like, even at this raw, immature and naive form of it that you experience when you are a teenager. I would watch all these teenage films and couldn't wait of that perfect moment when a boy would ask me out and I'd have my first kiss.
But day after day, year after year my hope of finding that love faded away. Little by little. I watched my friends being asked on dates, having their first kiss, having their first boyfriend, talking about this new experience, while I stood in a corner and wondered; what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I experience love? Why no one wanted me? I spent days and nights crying. Thinking I was not enough. Thinking I was the ugliest creature on earth. I blamed everything. My acne, my bushy hair, my good grades, my weight, which at the time was normal. I was never skinny, but I was normal. But whenever I looked myself in the mirror, I hated that reflection with all my heart, because there could be no other explanation as to why guys kept rejecting me.
Of course I had crushes. But no matter how much I tried to approach them, to talk to them, they just never loved me back. I was invisible. I spent my years in junior high, thinking that everything would change in high school. That going to high school would be that life changing experience and that everything would be different. But I was wrong. Again. High school changed nothing for me. On the contrary, it only made things worse. The only attention I ever received from guys was to make fun of me. And the only thing I wanted at that moment was for high school to end.
When I got into university, I thought everything would be different. Far from home, I felt like a new life was beginning for me. But I was wrong. Again. No love for me. No matter how much I tried to approach guys, make small talk, jokes, the minute they asked me what I was studying and I told them, they just ignored me for the rest of the night and turned their attention to the other girls in the group. I've lost count of times I've been rejected like that. I've lost count of the guys that preferred my friends over me. Like I was nothing.
Every Valentine's Day I am reminded that I've never been loved. Not the fact that I'm single on that day, but the fact that I have no memories of how it feels like to be in love. No first kiss, no holding hands, no embraces, no gifts, no dates, no love notes, nothing. I have never tasted love. And it hurts so much. The fear that this will just be the case for me, for my whole life. That'll never be noticed.
Is it so much to ask for someone to hold you hand when you feel scared? For someone to kiss your forehead and tell you that everything is going to be ok? For someone to love you for your real you, flaws and all? For someone to want you for your soul and not just your body? For someone to look at you like you are the only person in the world? For someone to bring you soup when you are sick and stay with you, just to make sure you are ok, even if that means that they might get sick too? For someone that will make you smile even if you had the worst day of your life? For someone to hug you when you have a nightmare? For someone to believe in you, even when you don't?