My wife said she doesn't want to wear lingerie for me if that's what my ex wife did. Does this make any sense?

[MrPoppagorgio]

I'm starting to worry that my wife and I may not be sexually compatible. We've been married for 7 months and together for a few years. I was previously married which is becoming a bigger issue than I ever realized before we got married. My wife has never been married but has had significantly more sexual partners than myself. My body count is single digits and all she will tell me is hers is a lot more. I'm ok with that and I really don't need to know. I've made it clear to her I just want to be her last and I thought she felt the same about me. Our sex life is mostly great with a few question marks for me. The longer we're together the more vanilla she has become and the more she tells me so. She's an absolute knockout and I find her incredibly attractive. The point of this post is that I'm starting to get concerned that there may be things in her past she doesn't want to tell me. Simple things like lingerie for example. She didn't even wear any on our wedding night. I've bought several items for her and haven't applied any pressure other than telling her I would love it if she would wear it occasionally. It just never happens. The kicker for me is her facebook profile from 4-5 years before we met is littered with pics of her in bikinis, slutty costumes at parties, sexy revealing clothing at bars etc. She used to wear more sexy clothing in public than she's willing to wear for me in the bedroom. I've asked her about it gently and she just says she used to be a bit of a slut but she has grown now that she's with me. While I'm glad she feels that way I feel a little ripped off by it if I'm being honest. Last night she asked me what I wanted for Valentine's Day. I told her that I would love to see her in lingerie and have passionate sex with her. She said, no gift? I told her that would be an amazing gift. She then asked me if my ex wife used to do that for me and if so then she won't do it. What do I do here?

[Anonymous]

For starters, I wouldn’t let her old pictures before you even met be the “kicker”, she likely outgrown that life and person who she used to be a long time ago.


Something traumatic or bad didn’t have to happen in her past for this to be who she is with you now, because it wasn’t an issue earlier in your relationship. I just think at your age range, nearly pushing 50 she isn’t feeling sexy or very good about herself. I’ve witnessed close family go from lively, confident women all my life and then sort of reducing themselves once they hit 40. I guess it’s just a thing older women experience and that can be happening here.


My suggestion is to reconnect so that you can find a compromise. You need to stop holding her to the standard of her old FB pics and try getting back to who you were as a couple when things were at their best. Compliment her more often, make her feel confident and good. I think once you build her up and reconnect even through normal sex, it will crack the door open again for lingerie. I just think you have to be patient and bring that out of her.

[MrPoppagorgio]

I appreciate your take on this, but I should have mentioned she's 32 years old. I can understand your assumption that we're just older and have lost the spark. Not the case at all. We're newlyweds. The lingerie isn't a big deal really, but the reasoning why is more the question. I'm not asking for something outlandish or super kinky here. I compliment her daily and she's not out of shape. She's a smoke show in fact. I probably didn't explain myself very well in the opener. Why would her response be that it's because she's afraid to do what my ex wife did. Keep in mind I don't think about or talk about my ex. She has an insecurity about the fact that I was married before and is pointing to this as a valid reason to be vanilla. That's where I get puzzled. It doesn't seem to be a reason that makes any damn sense.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for clarifying that because I was definitely equating how she’s acting to it being an older woman sort of thing. Well to reconstruct my opinion, it’s convenient that I’m also 32 and have a better idea of where she’s coming from, as I can relate more.

To be honest, I still feel as though she may also have outgrown that outwardly sexy, party person she was in her 20s. I know I stopped going out how I used to once I turned 30, and those friends who I hung out with I don’t see much since I got into a relationship. Things really start to change, it wasn’t until after year 2 that I became similar to your wife, and maybe it’s even a matter of feeling too comfortable. There can be so many causes, and I think it’s just about compromising and communicating at this point. Find a way to tell her about how you’re feeling that she will receive it properly and not as criticism (some women become defensive, as if they’re creating an issue or burden). You wanna get on the same page as her, so that an solution can be found. I know it’s confusing and frustrating, I went through that with my fiancé because we were one way in the beginning and now it’s a bit less of that for him. But talking about it does help to at least make us aware and open to change.

[Jessica405]

You both went into this marriage with her having secrets. Not a good basis for a long term relationship.

One possible solution is for her to be open and honest about her past. Otherwise you wil for ever be wondering who she was and WHAT she was. It will gnaw away at you like a dog with a bone.

If she won't come clean, you will know she has something to hide.

Forget the lingerie... there is more at stake than that.

[itsclearlynicholas]

Not a fan of lingerie much either if at all. Depends if it's a deal breaker to you Sonny Jim. Cya lol 👋😆

[CozyCoffin]

Bring your concerns up to her and if she won't change, it may be time to leave her.

[riverrat3]

Why not love her for who she is, rather than who you want her to be

[Anonymous]

That means she realizes that the ex is hotter than her.