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| Posted 2 months ago |
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Category Dating |
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Breaking The Unwritten Rules
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One unwritten rule of dating is not to bring up sensitive subjects. Current US policies, or other social questions, or deep philosophica/religious subjects are supposed to be taboo.
This unwritten rule seems especially strong for men. It's somewhat more tolerated for women to bring up such subjects on dates, but a lot of women react really strongly when men bring it up, as if we were somehow insulting them by raising those topics.
Of course that is already discriminatory at some level. It implies, unfortunately with some degree of truth, that women are not intelligent enough to discuss such subjects, which explains why a lot of them seem to get angry when you even ask them.
Secondly, that unwritten rule implies that the only goal of the date is to get someone into bed as quickly as possible. While it is true that quite often someone who brings up those topics on a date is guaranteed failure on that level, because regardless of whether you agree with your date or not, she will be angry you brought it up...doesn't that mean problems in any sort of longer term relationship?
I know many married couples and long term cohabitors who always avoided that sort of discussion while dating.
But, BUT...you can't avoid them if you're living together, and the longer you're together the more problems will arise if you haven't touched on them before making a commitment. Families and friendships often turn out to feature strictly defined positions that, if they are incompatible for the two people involved, mean eternal conflicts with in-laws and clashes with the two sets of friends.
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There's a popular comic ballad in Ireland about orange and green parents trying to raise a family. Orange and green refer to Catholic and Protestant traditions. As the song says, once children are involved brawls are inevitable, even if the couple could live with their differences.
That song is meant to be funny, but for many people the situation is not humorous.
And actually people are much more tolerant in Ireland than here in general. That is another reason not to postpone discussions of such matters in the US. Even minor points of disagreement, such as which candidate to vote for in an election, can turn into serious back-biting and lasting bitterness in a long term relationship. Small differences in religious doctrines also seem much more important here than elsewhere.
Often these issues lead to a break-up, with all the pain and difficulty involved after you have started living together and especially if children are already involved.
Once children have arrived, the choice of church or school or other social activities for them often leads to conflicts that can't be resolved if the parents have contrasting views. At that point the parents and friends of the two people frequently find it appropriate to weigh in on one side or the other and force constant confrontations.
So why on earth do we put off discussing these matters often until it's too late? Is it that important to get into bed quickly that we don't want to risk any disagreements?
Personally I want to know at least people's overall viewpoints before I invite them into bed. I may not require a long inventory on what party they belong to and who they voted for, but I would feel strange if it turned out I slept with someone who I violently disagree with. That has happened and I get teased about it for a long time afterward.
Also, there is always at least some bitterness about no second or third date because we turn out to have these disagreements. Why not avoid that by politely disagreeing and politely parting as friends by finding these things out right away? Remember that for some people breaking up after intimacy is considered shameful among their family and friends. By avoiding these sensitive subjects you may be exposing them to real difficulties in their overall personal lives.
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