Why am I beating myself over and over? He broke up with me.

He needed time to understand his own feelings. Men have bigger issues understanding how they feel, than do women. If you like him very much, then you need to understand this. Move back into the relationship but do it slowly. I think he is falling for you but he wants to be sure.

Its always confusing and upsetting get dumped.

I also wonder about the timing of his job loss. At the risk of sounding stereotyping, men without jobs are under a lot of pressure. Women tend to dismiss them as loosers (I don't mean you), and men know this and often feel they are not worthy of a girlfriend (even if you do not feel this way). This could have been an issue for him.

On the other hand, perhaps he has commitment issues and you reach "his" limit. Or perhaps, deep down, he never really wanted a commitment. Who knows, this does not necessarly mean he needs theropy.

The best you can do is try to keeo yourself from obsessing. Does he have a job now? Is his behavior any different if he is working? Try calling him in the future after you stop obessing but still interested contacting him.

With depression, some pretty messed up things happen. I'm dealing with some things right now, and it is really hard to explain. I have no idea if this applies to your situation at all, but I'll just tell a little of my story to possibly help.

I've been struggling to receive help from friends. I've kinda realized that I have two personalities. One of them wants to get emotional support from the people close to me, and the other part feels guilty about asking that huge favor from my friends. There is a girl who I've been talking to, and she has helped me enormously through the last several months. We had a little jolt this weekend, when I texted her that she should not worry about it and not invest in me. I am extremely angry at myself, and some of that anger came out towards her. The next day (yesterday), I was really feeling horrible-I was afraid I insulted her, and that she might be mad with me or even just think that I'm upset with her. Then, last night, she was absolutely amazing and called me. It enormously helped me to hear from her that she could tell that I wasn't "myself' when I sent that text, and that it wasn't typical of me. She assured me that even despite what she said, she trusted that it had nothing to do with her. I feel enormous guilt about how I act, because I feel like it puts too much stress and burden on my friends for them to have to deal with me and my mood swings.

Based on this thin slice of your story, I can figure this. I definitely think he has depression (although, I am not a medical professional and cannot make official diagnoses). You did the right thing to be there for him, and noticing that he probably needed you more (just reading that you called him more really makes me think you are an amazing person). I don't think he broke up with you because he thought you were coming on too strong; I think he broke up because he feels it would be selfish of him to ask of you the gigantic support he needs right now. From being in his shoes, it feels like you don't want other people to 'invest' in helping you, because you don't have the confidence that you will succeed. Kinda like "get out while you still can". Then, 1.5 months later, he is struggling again with whether or not to let you help, and wants your support again.

My advice would be thus. Tell him everything. If you are interested in being in a relationship again, let him know that. Most importantly, constantly reassure to him that it is not a burden for you to help him, and you want to help. Its not that he didn't appreciate or want you, but he just didn't want to make you deal with his problems. Let him know that you want nothing more than to 'deal' with his problems and help him through this. If you love him, make sure he knows that you'll endure the lowest of lows with him, no matter what.

I hope this helps. I struggle with getting ideas into words, so if you have any questions, please ask. I think there is huge value in this.

The only way to know what he really wants is to see him again. Before you do, ask yourself what you really want, and knowing your own agenda might help you decide if you want to be a part of his.

Good Luck,
James

He ought to give lessons in manipulation! It could be a resource center for him.

Suggest he see a psychiatrist (they're the ones who can prescribe medication).
He may be a(n) undiagnosed .
Meds make all the difference in the world.

Friend me if you want the complete story...

Ted

Is he young and South African? lol.

Whatever his "issues" if he _was_ "chasing" you and has since stopped (when you got close it seems) its likely that he's one of "those people" who lose interest once they feel they have secured the "prize". I have a (not too close) friend like this, he is charming and romantic during the chase and sure of his effections for as long as it takes to win the heart of his target girl, but as soon as he has secured her effections he seems to lose interest (he's not a "bad" guy, but he seems to be built for the chase and seems to need the "chase" feel to keep him motivated). I guess its a "personality type". If this is "your thing" and you like to "play the game", with him he may be perfect for you. If it isn't, find someone who works the same way you do and will get closer as you get close (rather than look to flee).

Course, I could be entirely wrong, I'm only going by what you wrote.

I think you should just leave it. He sounds like he's got a lot of things to deal with so how is he meant to conduct a healthy relationship too? I think you can do better. I'm sure he's a nice guy but my god all these problems! He's not your responsibility, date someone whos got themselves more sorted and together. I know this probably sounds cruel but I think he's going to drag you down in all of his misery and woes. He just sounds like the type to me...

Rather than respond to your comment in that small space, I wanted to post this comment cause I have gone through something similar in my life so I hope it can help.

In my experience, the best thing you can do now is let him take the time he needs to heal. I know as a woman that is terrifying to not be involved in the healing process cause it feels like that would bring you together. But he isn't a woman so he needs to do it in the way he feels comfortable. I have gone through something similar where I met a man who had severely injured himself on the job and because of it was out of work. I pushed cause I could tell we cared for each other. And when he pulled away, I was hurt terribly. But I noticed that even though he wasn't ready to be with me romantically, he was there everyday for me. He was always there. His consistence made me realize he cared for me and in his own way he was saying "Not yet." I realized the best thing I could do is to step back, let him do it on his own, and just let him know I wasn't going anywhere. Standing by a man as he goes through it means more than trying to fix it for him. It says he is capable of doing it on his own and you are willing to wait for him to figure it out. One of the most loving things you can do for him now is let him know that he can take the time he needs to get better.

Cause, oddly enough, I had a flip side experience where a time of my life was insane and the man in my life was pushing me to get it figured out. Not that you are pushing him. But when your life is in chaos you don't even know how you are going to make it another day. You are sensitive to anything anyone says or feels, when normally you wouldn't be. So even them always wanting to talk about it can make you feel like they are pushing. You are so full of frustration and confusion that you feel like you are drowning. And you have this person who you care about in your life and they can do one of 2 things: make you feel like you are drowning even more or ease your frustration by them just being there, knowing that they are waiting and it's OK to be crazy on Monday and sad on Tuesday and angry on Wednesday. They aren't helping you fix it. They are just there if you need them. So that means if you can't call for 2 weeks, they are OK with it cause they know you have nothing to give right now. But if you did, you would give it all to them. Having someone that does that actually lights a fire under you to find out what the problem is.

I think if when you call him, you tell him that you want the relationship but want him to be comfortable with it even more. And if he needs to not have the relationship now and figure his life out but you will still be there for him, you will be amazed how different he will act.

Cause isn't that what everyone wants? Someone who is willing to stick by you in the bad times even when you have nothing to give them but your presence?

Do not feel discouraged at all! You unfortunately got to him at a time where he felt he had nothing to offer and pulled away. The most important things to a man, he lost all of them. He lost his job. He lost his health. He lost his desire for sex. He was probably feeling like he wasn't even a man at that point.

Men think logically about relationships while women think emotionally. To you, you were in the best possible place. You were so emotionally close you couldn't believe it. But to him, he was in the worst possible place. He felt he had nothing to offer you but a depressed guy who would probably start crying during sex if he ever had the desire to even have it! That is a terrifying thought to a man.

Men don't want to be fixed. They don't want us to come in with our sweet compassion and say "I know you have nothing but I still like you." He wants to be your hero. He wants to be the one you come to for help. So even though you see you being there as a great thing for him, it probably made him feel even less like a man that you had to come in and pick up the pieces of his broken life. Ever notice how if someone falls down, a woman will run over to help but guys just stand there and watch? It's cause a man isn't going to help unless someone asks him for help. If you offer someone help without them asking you are basically saying that the person is incapable of doing it on their own. So when you gave him all your help, what he read was that you thought he was pretty incapable. That isn't your fault at all. And it might be something you want to explain to him so he understands your motives.

I know it made you feel like you weren't appreciated but he really didn't mean it that way. He wants to come to you in a relationship on an equal footing, if not better footing. And he couldn't do that a month and a half ago.

So what's happening now is he got a new job or his health is back or he is feeling better over all and he truly, deeply cares for you and wants to be with you. You may never hear him say the reasons he walked away. Cause that's him admitting he failed or messed up. He will probably take everything really slow now cause he knows he left the waters a little murky and isn't going to jump back in.

I hope you guys can work it out cause I think he truly cares for you. Enough where he couldn't stand the thought of you seeing him that way.

This sounds a little like my last relationship... unfortunately I yo-yo-ed with him for an entire year and had to get my heart broken before I came to my senses. I think if you still have feelings for him it's going to be hard for you to remain his friend and not want more from the relationship. One the other hand, if he tries to pull you back into a relationship what's to say he won't pull that same stuff again? You can only make that decision for yourself, but it sounds like he already took a good look at you once and said 'pass'... I know that sounds harsh, but if it were me (just coming out of a similar situation) I would move on and find that great guy out there whole will make you feel as appreciated and wanted as you deserve to feel. I wish I had done it sooner and I'm happy to say that once I let go of my mister wishy washy I found an attentive and awesome guy.

i think he is a player and therefore needs a girl who plays hard to get... once he secures her.. he loses interest as she is not keeping up with his interests... or else.. maybe he has some problems.. I mean, "he wasn't in a good place to have a relationship"... that part, shows that he may be having some problems going on.. but yet he misses you... so I guess you can be his friend.. but pay close attention to whether he might be having some trouble and don't be too easy too...

Do you want to be with this guy again? Are you willing to be his friend? To note though, he might do this again to you when some problems come up, so can you deal with that?

Hi, he may have felt that he had nothing to offer you at the time because he had no job and health problems. Sometimes men will bail out of a relationship until they feel better about themselves. The first few months of a relationship should be a honeymoon time and it's a time when you can't get enough of eachother. He may be feeling better about himself and wants to reconnect just as friends or to test the waters to see if he wants to take it further. He won't know until he sees you and you may even think differently of him when you see him. Only way to find out, go ahead and meet him...you have nothing to lose. Good Luck.

When men get upset, they tend to push everything away from them that matters, or that they might hurt. Just try to help him out in his time of need, and make it known to him that at the very least, he'll always have a friend in you.