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Why do people say you have to let the girl find you, let her come to you, that you should stop looking for one?

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(Age:25 to 29) When: Over a year ago

Category: Relationships

Also, when people say other phrases or quotes like "You just have to let it happen naturally" "Good things come to those who wait" "If you want a boyfriend/girlfriend, or a relationship, it's better if you let them come to you", etc. All other quotes and phrases similar to those that give those messages. For me, in my opinion, those quotes, phrases, and advice work more for girls than they do for guys. The reason why I think those quotes and phrases go more for girls is because when it comes to romance, dating, and relationships, the guy, or just the man, has to be the one who takes the initiative, pursues the girl, makes all the moves to start a date and a relationship with the girl, asking her for her number, and asking her out. The girl just has to approve of the date or relationship.
So it's like romance, dating, relationships, and love, all come to girls, while us guys have to make it happen, we have to initiate everything in the beginning. The girl has the option of approving it or denying it. Because the girl is the one who does the rejecting, and guys are the ones that receive rejecting. C'mon, everyone obviously knows, both guys and girls, especially you girls, like you always want the guy to take the initiative, make the first move, start the conversation, start the talking and seeing each other thing, and starting the dating/relationship. Overall, the guy has to chase, pursue the girl, etc. Girls do not chase guys.
I am not saying I am traditional or old-fashioned, heck, I wish it was both ways, I wish girls took the initiative and asked guys out as much as guys do, but that is something that will not change anytime soon.
So anyway, why do people say that it's better to find love when you stop looking even if you are a guy? That it is better to stop looking for a date or relationship, and let her find you? C'mon, even if a guy is very calm, relaxed, not desperate, not trying too hard or looking too hard to get a girlfriend or relationship, he is very comfortable with himself, very confident, not insecure, which are all the great qualities that girls like in a guy, the guy will not get a date or girlfriend just by chilling back and relaxing, a girl will not just approach a guy, take the initiative, ask him out, or fall into his lap, etc. Us guys have to make it happen.

Update: Or am I not interpreting those quotes, advice, and phrases the right way? do I have the wrong viewpoint of it? Well I am 21 and I have never had a girlfriend, always been single, still a virgin, I am not single by choice though. Over a year ago

Update: I really would like to have a girlfriend right now, I wish I could have one as soon as possible, because I don't want to still be single when I am 30 or 40. But I don't if I am looking too hard, being desperate, or just not enough? Over a year ago

Update: How do I know if I am obsessed, thinking about it too much, desperate, looking and trying too hard? Which obviously turns girls off, how do I know if I am that way? If I am, how can I undo it? Over a year ago


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Answers

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From Girls

What Girls Said

1727

soOUCH

Over a year ago

Don't overanalyze things, I for one pick men who are easy-going... and you are right some of those sayings are really outdated! When I was reading those I was thinking about the 1940's where a boy asks a girl to split a Coke and talk to the soda jerk.

This is the main part that people get wrong: dating follows a law of "don't ask, don't get." If you don't ask a girl out, you won't get her to date you. Dating is risk taking, I hate to say it shy fellas, but it really is. Take it from me, I ask men out a lot because I realize that you should never let a good thing slip through your fingers.

Get out there and ask some hot chicks out!

You have 500 characters left
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  A girl asking a guy for his number has never happend to me and probably never will, obviously because you girls expect and want the guy to initiate everything in the beginning. Also why are girls that have boyfriends already, more receptive and more talkative in conversations, like when I approach one and talk to them, they engage me in the conversation, they reciprocate, I hate it because it makes me think they are interested in me, eventhough they will not break up with their boyfriend for me.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  Its easy, after you have been talking to her for a while and she looks interested just flip open your cell phone and say "Hey I'm ready to get out of here, we can keep this conversation going later, whats's your number." You don't seem clingy or despirate, and you literally told her that you liked sitting with her.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  You may want to not jump into the number so fast, you may just want to strike up some conversation especially if it isn't a girl you know. Try to just talk to her and get to know her before you even decide to give her your number and if she is interested in you, she may even ask for your number. Just play it cool, and don't sweat her. Just ask her to play pool, or sit next to her at the bar and just talk. You pop the number at the end of the night when she hasn't.
Show Older Comments
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  So basically is it okay to ask a girl out as soon as possible? Is it okay to ask a girl out when it is the first day meeting eachother, first encounter? How does a guy ask a girl out? Does he "do you want to hang out sometime?" or what?
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  Yeah that's another bad part about dating, sometimes things for whatever reason don't work the way you want them to, it's more rejection sometimes than sucesses
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Like there is the old saying "you snooze, you lose", because if I am interested in a girl, there is going to be competition from other guys as well.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Yeah, the one thing I am very over-analytical about is when it comes to asking a girl out, I don't want to ask her out too soon, or asking her out too late, because if you ask out too soon, like jumping the gun, right off the bat, that looks desperate and needy, clingy. Also if I ask her out too late, I might get stuck in the friend zone, and she might lose interested because since I am taking long, she will think I don't like her. Also another guy could ask her out before me.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  Yeah I ask out guys I like frequently. It is been my experience that some guys are too shy to talk to me, so I fixed that.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  So seriously you have taken the initiative before?

What Guys Said

1916

voodoochild

Over a year ago

10% of all the men get 90% of all the women :D

And why's that?
Because the other 90% of men are to caught up in all these fairy tales theories, no balls and a passive lifestyle that leads them nowhere so they eventually just "put up" with a girl who's not their first choice.

So don't take advice from those losers that date ugly women because they can't get anything better.
Check out link to get some real stuff going on lol.

You have 500 characters left
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Yeah, women are just takers, they just have to approve of it or deny it, that's all for them. They don't even bother to go looking for what they want, they always want what they want to come to them.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  Btw, Funny that you take so much interest in observing human behaviour, although you still have a lot of questions on your mind.
  I'd like to invite you to www.paragonproject.com/forums where you'll learn so much more about this stuff. My username there is the same as here. Make sure to sign up and send me a pm if you did :D
  VoodooChild.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  Well think of the cons of being a hot woman; getting a guy in bed will be easy but do it to much and you'll be a slut, so you'll always have to hold back allot.
  Plus the biggest problem for them; how to KEEP a guy.
  Getting Laid for men is hard but getting a Girlfriend for men is easy (once they slept with the girl) whilst getting laid for women is easy but getting a Boyfriend is really tough.
Show Older Comments
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Oh well, at least us men don't get pregnant or have periods, all we gotta do is have fun in bed and a baby comes, women have to lung them around for 9 months, deal with labor and pain of childbirth, yeah sometimes I am glad I am not a woman.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Yeah, because sometimes I wish I was a woman, lol, but only a hot woman, because hot women even have it easier than their hot male counterparts, such as good looking men like Brad Pitt, Tom Brady, David Beckham, or a star football player with blonde hair, or just a Marine dude, I bet even if a dude is very good looking like them, they still need status, confidence, and social skills in order to pull pussy.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  Yup. With men it's more about confidence and status whilst with women it's more about the looks.
  Has to do with reproduction of the race.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Are you sure that is accurate? One thing that I heard is that if a woman is ugly, she is even more screwed than an ugly guy when it comes to dating and sex. I heard that men don't have to be born good looking, they can work their way up. But if a woman is not born cute and pretty, unattractive, no matter how great her personality is, how nice and sweet she is, she will not be sought after much. Do you think that is true?
-1

Merman

Over a year ago

You're thinking way, way, way too much. We've all got caught up in thinking too much about dating, because there's so much contradictory advice.

But here's my suggestion to save your sanity:

If you like a girl, ask her out. Show interest. But don't ask her out more than twice -- if she's interested, she'll make time for you. If she gives you too much grief, DO NOT try to "outplay" her, because you'll make yourself crazy. So if she jerks you around, simply move on.

There are tons of great women out there, and there's no need to date one who makes you jump through an endless series of hoops. Remember: talk is cheap, but behavior is gold. Pay LESS attention to her words, and MORE attention to her behavior.

So if she's a little playful and coy -- but she's ALSO seeing you and making time for you -- her behavior says she's interested. But if it's nothing but games, maybes, and I-don't-knows, cut your loses and move on.

Good luck.

You have 500 characters left
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Another thing I know is that you are supposed to get to know a girl a bit, like to get know her and start off like a friend, get to know her on a friend basis, my problem is how long should a guy have been talking to a girl, like how many conversations, how many days, weeks or months should a guy be getting to know a girl before he finallys asks her out on a date, or to hang out. How do I know when it is the right time to ask a girl out?
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  You can't tell their intentions, except by asking 'em out. That's why I vote for asking 'em out ASAP, you learn their intention very quickly and save yourself lots of worrying.
  
  Sometimes they lead guys on deliberately, but other times we can read into simple friendliness. So try to not take it personally.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Okay, thanks, enough about the analytical stuff for now. Anyway, how can you tell if a girl is just being friendly? or she actually likes you, is interested? Because there have been girls in which I thought they were interested in me, they engaged me in the conversation, gave me eye contact, and smiled, but when I asked them out, they were taken already. I hate it when girls lead guys on like that.
Show Older Comments
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  I think you're correct abut not imagining her as your girlfriend, or as a date. Think of her as a person you want to talk to ... think of her as practice.
  
  The smaller your focus, the more likely you are to be genuine.
  
  If your goal is "flirt with her," that's easier to manage than if your goal is "talk to her and impress her so that she wants to date me next weekend and possible get serious if we hit it off and perhaps get exclusive in a few months."
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  So the right thing to do is when approaching girls, flirting and talking to them, whether I am interested in dating or just talking for the heck of it, I should just not try to guess their thoughts or try to read their mind? Like when I talk to one, do not expect myself to have a chance right? do not see her as a potential girlfriend? Like don't ever think every girl I talk to will turn out to be my girlfriend? So basically I have to keep talking to girls as much as possible right?
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  By learning experience, I mean don't measure success by whether or not you get a date. Measure success by how you feel about how you sold yourself. Because sometimes, I walk away from a girl thinking things like, "I kissed her ass too much," or "I should've made a joke about the big silly handbag of hers."
  
  To me, it's that kind of filtering that's harmful, when you don't let your true self shine.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  The filters by what? If I approach a girl and start talking to her, and the conversation feels one-sided, like I am the one asking most of the questions, or all of them, she is not asking me any questions to me back in return, or asking me questions about myself. Does that mean she is not interested or shy?
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Yeah, so how do I make each rejection a learning experience? how do I know if it was a wrong or good approach?
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  Try to not worry about what you did "wrong" with Girl A -- because you didn't do anything wrong. You can only be yourself, and she has every right to date whoever she wants.
  
  Instead, try to tap into the part of yourself that you were suppressing with Girl A, and use those traits with Girl B. Because if you're an analytical guy, I suspect you're very aware of the filters you use when interacting with people. So learn to bypass those filters that stop your true self from coming out.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  When I say to vary your approach, I mean to emphasize different aspects of your personality.
  
  Don't put on an act. But tap into your own traits -- we all have a funny side, a goofy side, a smooth side, a serious side, a cocky arrogant side. Don't practice only with girls you want to date -- practice with everyone to get in touch with those genuine parts of yourself.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Because people say that getting rejected and the more you talk and approach girls, will become a learning experience, you will get better, but the problem I am over-analytical about is when you learn how to approach and what to say, and how not to approach and what not to say, because if a girl is not interested and rejects a guy, it could be because of the way the guy played his cards, approached and talked ,or the guy did not do anything wrong at all, just the girl was not interested at all.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Because I am always being just myself when it comes to approaching and talking to girls, I never make up stories or pretend that I am someone else. So are you saying for every different girl I approach and talk to, I have to use a different approach and use different words, ask different questions, differently for every girl? Even if I don't know I am doing it right or wrong?
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Yeah, I will admit I am very over-analytical about my approach, what I say or talk about, how my body language is, etc. I often worry a lot that I might have accidentally bothered, creeped her out, or turned her off in some way, I worry what she will think or what she currently thinks of me. Another problem, after I approach a girl and talk to her, and ask her out and get rejected, I often wonder if it was the way I approached and talked, played my cards? Or if she was not interested at all.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  Romeo Is Dead was correct.
  
  I think another key to the numbers game is to modify your approach -- if you're asking out all the girls the same way and they're all saying no, the problem might be your approach. Just for fun, try being arrogant with one girl, goofy with the next, etc. eventually, you'll hit on a method that uses your strengths.
  
  it gets discouraging, I know, but remember to devote energy to your non-dating goals so you're not too wrapped up in the rejections.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Thanks, that makes sense, understandable, also the part I mean about the number of times of getting rejected, I mean getting rejected by different girls all the time, not from the same girl, because if a girl is not interested in me, like she never answers her phone, texts me back, etc. I will forget about her, those are easy hints to read.
- romeo_is_dead
  Over a year ago
  When it comes to dating, the scales are definitely weighted against us for putting in effort... however, our one saving grace is that we can pick and choose where we put our effort and we don't have to focus it in one place and drive ourselves nuts over it. Hard lesson to learn, but if you're not getting out what you put into a situation then its time to move on. Regardless of how beautiful she is. Sure, she can find someone else easily... but don't forget that you can land another hottie too.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  Dating *is* a numbers game ... but it's about the number of different girls you meet & ask out.
  
  I learned the hard way that getting fixated on one girl is self-torture. Asking her out ASAP (within a few days or hours of meeting her) saved me lots of fretting. If she's interested, great! But if now, I quickly move on to a different girl.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  I vote 2 times. Ask her out 2 times. If she's not able or willing to make time for you after you twice express interest, she's not (that) into you, and it's time to move on and find a girl who *is* more interested.
  
  Don't invest too much time in a losing game. Sometimes the girls don't want to say "no" and hurt your feelings ... but other times she enjoys half-a-dozen guys competing for her attention. Whichever, it's a foolish to chase someone who doesn't make time for you.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Also, there is no right number of times if a guy gets rejected or the girl is unavailable, because that has happend to me too many times, whenever I have asked girls out, they were either taken already, or not interested. I forgot how many times that has happend to me, but is there a certain number or limit if the keeps getting rejected? Is it all a numbers game?
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  You're welcome.
  
  In general, I suggest you avoid giving too much credence to *anything* a woman says ... the classic "nice guy vs. jerk" dilemma is a good example.
  
  AI suggest you avoid giving anything a woman says too much credence because tend to believe that their emotions justify decisions. So if she's flirting and says "yes" to a date, she 100% means it when she says "yes." But the next morning, her emotions have changed and she believes that excuses a change of opinion.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Thanks for that advice, I am starting to think it's better for guys to get dating advice from their own gender, meaning other guys. Not so much girls because a lot of times, girls don't mean what they say. For example, when girls say they want a sweet, kind, innocent, nice guy, they never have those kind of guys.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  If you're looking for a sure thing before you ask ... there are NO sure things.
  
  But take control of your life. Ask her out twice. If she doesn't make time for you, move on to the next girl.
  
  This method has saved me innumerable hours of wondering and what-ifs.
- Answerer
  Over a year ago
  If you want to know if she's interested & available, ask her out ASAP. Don't worry about getting to know her. Don't worry about reading hints. Don't worry about looking like a player. Simply ask her out.
  
  If she says yes, great! But remember that girls sometimes say "yes" when they mean "No," "maybe," or "if nothing else comes along." This is why you ask her out only twice: if she's interested, she WILL make time. Asking her out only 2 times puts you in control of your life.
- Question Asker
  Over a year ago
  Yeah but how can I tell if she is just being friendly but not interested? Because just because a girl smiles and says Hi to you, giggles when a guy is around, is receptive to you, gives eye contact, does not mean the girl is interested in the guy sexually or dating wise. I often misinterpret those signs, I have very hard time reading a girls non-verbal hints.

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