The No Contact Rules - Because some people still don't get it.

I've seen several questions over the last few weeks, which talk about "going N.C." as if it were going cold turkey. And while I have seen one or two maybe, who seem to know it's about... there have been a majority of others who treat it as though it's some form of miraculous magic that brings an ex back to them.

Honestly, one guy seemed to believe in the power of N.C. so much, that I think he was prepared to lock himself in the basement for two months, and emerge to find her waiting for him.

Needless to say, it doesn't work like that. So I thought I'd throw a quick article together.

What No Contact means, and why it sometimes works.

1 - No contact means no contact. I can't stress how often I've seen lonely desperate guys think that just one more text message won't make a difference. Sending someone a text to say "I'm not thinking of you" is self-defeating because it's clearly false. You ARE thinking of her. And that's what every "last" text message says, no matter what keys you're typing into the pad.

2 - It only potentially works in a small number of circumstances. If you cheat on your girlfriend by having sex with her mother... no amount of "no contact" is going to get her back. Okay? It works in those cases where you and she had a definite relationship, and she dumped you because of very specific personality flaws. Flaws like being clingy, needy, weedy, etc.

3 - No contact doesn't mean complete and utter isolation. Ideally, you should be living a highly visible life. No contact means no contact, but you should be observed. She will have to have you in mind from time to time. You must look like you're having fun, and the best way to do that IS to have fun. You must look like you've moved on, and the best way to do that IS to move on. You must look like you're OVER HER. And the best way to do that... well, you get the idea.

If you suddenly look like you're having a great time, and that your life is going much better after the break up, it can cause her to have doubts about dumping you. Specifically, if you're better off without her, maybe the problem was with her? If you're better off without her, why is that?

It also makes you look like a better catch than the whiny needy clingy milksop of a guy who she dumped.

Some girls like to think they can take the moral high ground. They can be friends with the guy they've dumped. Or at least mature about it. And they'll want to see if this sudden change in you is real. They may not make the first overture themselves. They may talk to a mutual friend. Or discuss it with her girlfriends. But if there is an obvious difference in you post-breakup, and she sees it, she will remark on it. And ultimately, what you're hoping for, is for her to ask herself the question "Why the hell wasn't he this much fun with me?"

To sum up :
1 - Do not contact her. That means no phone calls, no emails, no texts, no facebook messages. If you meet her in a group, you can be polite, but that's it. And make your excuses and leave, if possible. You should react as though she is an anchor, pulling you down and destroying your good mood.

2 - You need to have a good time, visibly. Get over her. Flirt with girls. Whatever it takes to show that the dark period of your life (ie your last relationship) is over, and it's time to have fun again. The anchor has been severed. You're free. And everyone should see that.

3 - After a period of several weeks, one of two things will happen. Either she will want to give the "new" you a second chance, or you'll find that by pretending, you really are over her. It's win-win either way.

If when all is said and done, your ex does try to contact you, and hinting that maybe she made a mistake, you can still snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, by reverting to type almost immediately. "OH MY GOD YES, TAKE ME BACK! IT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN PRAYING FOR ALL THESE MONTHS. THOSE GIRLS YOU SAW ME WITH? THEY'RE NOTHING COMPARED TO YOU. THEY MEAN NOTHING TO ME! I LOVE YOU!"

She'll be out the door so fast, she may actually blue-shift.

Feel free to make her work for it. She's not supposed to know you want her back. But if you guys do get back together... for pity's sake, don't screw it up a second time. The "No Contact" strategy may not work all the time, but it will never work twice.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • if he's being a jerk who treated me badly and never even admit he did anything wrong, how would I go back to him if he acts as if nthn happened? hurting me and then hurting me even more..how's that going to work? I broke up with him a month ago and he never tried to do any meanigful action except two lame messages. No sorry, no remorse, no nthn so sure I didn't reply. He joked hysterically on fb to make me feel he doesn't care (im the one who's hurt) and then what?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • i did do that and she was fuming with me we work together and one Sunday I was messing about with everyone except her and she went on a rant at me

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What Girls Said 7

  • I totally agree with you. The NC period is not a magic spell to get your special one back, is more a period to analyze and even solve the issues that probably lead to the break up. It is the time to realize if it's worth going back or remain single. But, during this period, if you know by chance your ex is having a difficult time or going through a rough situation, I think is not bad to show some support. But don't over do it and don't think it is the solution for the break up.

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  • "She's not supposed to know you want her back. But if you guys do get back together... for pity's sake, don't screw it up a second time."

    I like. We did NC for 3 months. I text him. He said he was OK. I said I was good. I felt on top of him 'cause I was depressed for those months until I finally started going out and laughed again. A part of me wanted to work it out, share what I learned from the break-up, but no response. Rejection again. He never loved me. His loss, another man's gain.

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  • I asked my guy friend yesterday what he thinks guys mean when they say, "I need time". He told me that it is simply that. It usually isn't any more cryptic than that but "I need time" is saying, don't talk to me, don't text me, don't phone me etc. BECAUSE I (the guy) don't want to say anything that will hurt you, that I will regret later and because I need time to get through this in my head.

    Excellent article!

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  • I broke NC do you think he thinks then that he can have me whenever? I'm getting over him, but I'm still feeling mad at myself for contacting him almost demanding to meet and "talk" because the breakup wasn't clear. How I get over this?

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  • This actually did work for me... But the reason of the break up was from me being clingy.. :P I'm no longer clingy... Well... I am, but I'm much much better than I used to be.

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  • liked this.

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  • does this strategy work for girs who want to win their guy back ?

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What Guys Said 3

  • Great advice.

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  • Deadpan and right on the money as usual.

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  • Why did you copy something straight from another website?

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    • I didn't. I wrote this entirely originally for this website.

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