Why "Nice Guys/Girls" Are Not Really Nice

I recently saw a myTake on why "nice guys/girls" can't get a date. I agree with everything the author said, except one thing: nice guys are girls are not really "nice". Wondering why? Well, one of the reasons is...

1. They go for people way out of their league and get pissed when they're not willing to "settle"

Sorry, but leagues do exist. If you're unattractive and boring, you can't expect someone who is fun and good-looking to be interested in you. Most of the nice guy and gals only chase people that fall into the latter category, and are not willing to even consider someone who is on their level. If you're obese, but won't date someone who is not fit, or want an intelligent partner while never doing anything for self-improvement yourself, then you're not a "nice person who can't land a date because all the guys/girls only like hoes/assholes", you're a hypocrite.

2. ... or worse: They only go for people whom they have nothing in common with, simply because those people are hot.

Why

You see, when someone says "I want someone who'll treat me nicely", they don't mean "I'll go out with just about anyone as long as they're nice". What is usually implied is "I want someone whose looks and personality I find attractive, whom I share common interests with, and who'll also treat me nicely". Niceness alone isn't worth anything, it only matters as a part of the whole package. And yet, if you take a good look around, you'll notice how many attractive guys and girls are constantly being pursued by people whom they have nothing in common with, who for some reason think the former owe them sex or relationships because they're nice. Which brings me to my next point...

3. You don't get brownie points for something you're supposed to do

Basic human decency requires to treat other fellow humans nicely. Which truly nice person would expect praise and appreciation for not being a jerk?

Besides,..

4. If you really are "nice", you don't need to tell everyone that. They know!

If you need to announce that you're nice, you're probably not, otherwise people would have realised it long time ago. That's just common sense.

5. However, the biggest red flag, in my opinion, is that they blame everyone but themselves

When you hear the word "nice", what characteristics do you think of? For me, "nice" is someone who is compassionate, polite, kind, and forgiving. When getting rejected, a nice person's train of thought would probably look similar to the following: "Okay, that hurt like a bitch, but such is life. Maybe I'm not smart/fun/interesting enough for them. Maybe I should have worked on my appearance more. Or maybe I'm simply not their type, or they like someone else at the moment. In any case, everyone is entitled to their feelings and preferences, so I won't hold a grudge against them for not liking me." If someone's first reaction is to throw a hissy fit and start trash talking the person they like, this person's crush, or the entire gender this person belongs to (e.g. the aforementioned "women only date jerks/men only date hoes"), then sorry, that someone is not nice.


Recognised yourself? Then it's your chance to get your dating life right. Stop being bitter, and instead of blaming others for your failures, read this take again, realise what you're doing wrong, and make an effort to change. It may be a long and tough road, but it'll be worth it in the end, when you'll find someone the new, better "you" deserves. Good luck! :)


2|2
20|49

Join the discussion

0/2500

Submit
Sponsored

What Guys Said 49

  • The image in point #2 is retarded.

    No shit a guy wants a pretty woman, all men do. That's kind of a difference between men and women, women are more interested in personality than men are, so the bloke in the image isn't a scumbag steve for acknowledging his nature.

    Asker, how many 'nice guys' have you ran into that weren't people online? How many have outright told you that they were 'nice guys' and bitches about how 'assholes' got the girls in person and not venting online? Usually those types stay silent IRL, so the issue doesn't even matter.

    1|6
    2|0
    • But, somebody is WRONG over the INTERNET

    • Show All
    • I don't mean to barge in and resurrect this old stuff, but I decided to browse this again and I just want to say thank you for saying what needed to be said. Too many people here clung to their stereotype memes and kept shouting down what us guys wanted to say. Thank you.

    • The comment I just made was directed at @Nuqood

  • why do you assume that nice guys are any of the above things? I'm a nice guy, I know it and people who know me know it. I don't talk about it, I don't expect things as a result

    being kind, thoughtful, caring, loving OR NICE is a characteristic trait. People who moan and complain aren't necessarily not nice but maybe they feel like their kindness goes unrequited. Now to me that is kind of lame but it doesn't change the fact that the person may still be nice.

    1|4
    0|0
    • For me, it's not necessarily so much that my kindness goes unrequited as it is this: I actually got along with those girls. It WASN'T just me wanting to get with a hot woman that I had nothing in common with and couldn't talk to. I had more to talk about with these girls than anyone I've seen on the dating sites and I could talk to them better than anyone I've ever met when I've gone out. We could talk, we could laugh, we could share thoughts that went deeper than the surface. And my looks aren't that bad. So if the looks aren't in the way, and we can actually have a real conversation, then why can't it work? How much more do I need to be good enough?

    • Show All
    • And before you jump down my throat about this, just know - I have BEEN the friend in the "friendzone" so I know how much it hurts. But I valued my friend enough to tough it out and remain friends. Because I wasn't just being friends with him to try to fuck him or date him - I genuinely love and care about the guy as a person. It just so happened that for a time, that love was something more than platonic, but he did not feel the same way.

    • Sara413, THANK YOU. I also got friend zoned, but you also don't see me crying about it because I actually valued the friendship.

  • An interesting take and quite right on some points, but not so right on other points.

    1. "If you're unattractive and boring, you can't expect someone who is fun and good-looking to be interested in you"
    Most unattractive people I know do not *expect* someone good looking. They *desire* someone good looking. And the two words aren't interchangeable. I expect to win the lottery is different from I desire to win the lottery. I expect someone attractive is different from I desire someone attractive. All humans on the planet, attractive and unattractive, desire attractive people. This is the result of millions of years of human evolution. We can control how we act, but we can't control who we're attracted to. Thus I don't think unattractive people are hypocrites for desiring attractive people. I *do* think unattractive people are hypocrites when they BLAME attractive people for not liking them.

    Boring is much more subjective than appearance, I think. I find most of pop culture boring, but many people don't. Likewise, many people find Beethoven boring, but my wife and I don't.

    I also dislike this term "blame" when it comes to rejection. When I was rejected, I felt I was not to blame, and she was not to blame. No one is to blame. She just didn't like me so move on. When I rejected girls, I never once thought, "Well, she's to blame." I certainly didn't think I was to blame. In most cases, when a rejection occurs, NO ONE IS TO BLAME.

    Subject0, when you were rejected, did you say to yourself, "I'm to blame?" Or when you rejected someone, did you say to yourself, "He's to blame (or she if you swing that way)?" Blame when it comes to rejection in most cases strikes me as just odd.

    If you keep striking out, my suggestion (and here's where we agree) is to increase your level of attractiveness as much as possible. It's the smartest thing you said in this take, though it's unlikely the readers you were attempting to appeal to even got that far in reading your take, given your style of heaping names and blame on them.

    0|4
    0|0
  • This. This concept has made me rethink myself numerous times. And you know what? It makes sense. And when you accept it, you find yourself totally able to deal with the supposed rejections.

    A simple smile on your face and a "have a nice day" can make some people's days. Try it next time you're in a good mood at the supermarket. Smile, engage in small talk (I mean hella small - talk about the weather, something any human being can relate to) and you'll see them just light up.

    Points 3 and 5 sum this up perfectly. The other ones almost don't need to exist. You should just be nice and not expect anything from it. And the world gives you lemons, make lemonade son. And share that lemonade, don't be a dick.

    3|0
    0|1
  • Unfortunately, when I was a young dumb full of cum youngster, I was once this kind of whiny, bitter, complaining and selfish kind of "nice guy" who used to think that I was owed something by women because of how "nice" I supposedly was. Number two on the list is what I was most guilty of back then. I was pretty stubborn when I was younger and I had to learn the hard way, as most guys that think this way will, that my behaviors and mannerisms where the problem. Guys if your reading this and any of these behaviors describe you please stop doing it, stop the bitterness, stop the envy, stop the whining, stop the complaining, recognize that you are the problem and make a sincere effort to change. This kind of behavior is not attractive or sexy to a woman. I'm not trying to bust anyone's chops or make you feel shitty. Please don't take offense to what I am saying because I'm not trying to come at you like that. I wish I had someone to give me some of this advice when I was younger and might have been able to save myself a lot of frustration and heartache and had better interactions with women. Please just take a step back and see it for what it is.

    0|0
    0|0
    • This sounds like something straight out of a Tumblr copypasta. Of course, it's trendy to think that guys are always at fault for everything by default. The person who made the take just said "Nice Guys/gals" so they could pretend to be impartial. I'd say that if someone uses their Internet life to bash nice guys 24/7, it's best to stay away from them.

    • Show All
    • I just disagree that absolutely everything is always the guy's fault. Yeah, I get it, that's the trendy, modern way to think these days. It's hip, and in vogue. But when people step into reality, they usually find out the cold hard way that responsibility is a two-way street. It works both ways. But I don't expect anybody on this site to understand that.

    • For me, it's wasn't that I think they owe me sex because I am nice, or that I liked them only because they were hot.

      It was more like they were people I could actually talk to, who liked some of the same stuff as me and in one case, most of the same stuff as me. In fact, had more to talk about with them than I have with any of the girls I've ever met when I'm out with friends. That they were good-looking and had common interests or at least the ability to carry real conversations with me, that's what made them stand out from the crowd and got my interest up. Best of all worlds.

      The problem was that when I met them, I wasn't confident, didn't have my life together. I didn't know what I wanted to do for money and while I had hobbies I wanted, I was scared that I wasn't ever going to be good enough. So I didn't have much going on with me. But I always wanted to improve. That's what makes me think I had a chance. I wasn't on their level, but I sincerely wanted to be.

  • I think your points are valid, and I think there are nice people out there, ones that act as you should but really don't expect anything for acting the way they should.

    It is also my belief that there should be at least the occasional acknowledgment for these people, its nice to be appreciated after all. The world doesn't owe them anything for acting as they should, but it would certainly be one of the nicer things that could be done for them.

    In relationships I think being nice is good, but agree that you shouldn't expect anything special for doing something you should be doing anyway, if you really care for each other then being nice should be natural.

    Lastly remember that everything you feel and know in this world is largely informed by what you have learned and how it has shaped your perspective.

    This was a good take.

    0|2
    0|0
    • The problem I have with society and women, though, is that instead of getting something for being good, people actually get stuff for being bad. If you are an arrogant asshole and go around acting like you are "better than" all those nice people, you are "cool" and everyone loves you for it. If you are a scumbag who lives for your "rebel" image, who celebrates your trashy, tasteless, low-brow lifestyle, and showing that you are more "badass" and "tougher" than those weak nice people, you are "cool" and women throw themselves at you all day every day. This is what I don't like. People are rewarded generously for being rotten on purpose. What if I don't want to be rotten? What if that doesn't feel good, and I want to be pleasant instead because I like it when people are pleasant to me? What if I want to have some taste in my life? That just automatically means I am weak, sexless, and boring? This is what angers me.

    • Show All
    • @RandomUsername3464 yeah, I think that ultimately, you are right. It really has been this way for a long time now and change is unlikely. I know I gained nothing from complaining about this all day, and I know that the way things turned out was my fault and my fault alone, but still, it just hurts knowing that if only I had been confident instead, it could have gone a lot differently.

    • @TheSkaFish Confidence alone does not work, from what people tell me. You need to have the total package. Don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, it's true that both me and you gain nothing by venting about this all day (besides letting off some steam), but I have noticed that there seems to be some type of concerted effort to get guys to take all the blame in every situation. Nobody in their right mind would suggest that everything could be a girl's fault these days, because most socially aware people would know the ridicule and rejection they would face as a result.

  • I really hate this post. Tell you why, I'm a nice guy... was a nice guy. But I didn't even know this until I read about it in a pick up artist book at the age of 28 or so. Hindsight is a bitch. I was literally friendshipzoned by every girl in my social group. So I'm going to say my piece: 1) I never went for the hottest girl, In fact I learnt lesson number 1: No girl likes a nice guy. The very few who did like me were religious types (not for me) 2) related, I did have standards in terms of personality. I'm outgoing. The only problem was the outgoing ladies were usually taken or as per point 1, were friends with me only. 3) I get that nice should be a given. But I could never understand why girls complained about men to me but went for those same men, then tells me I will find a me a "lucky girl"? lesson learnt. Women can talk so much shit and you don't know what you want. Also bad boys get the girls. 4) I never called my self a nice guy. In fact I was the clown of my group and I was the funny guy: lesson learnt: humour, like nice also doesn't get girls. Hindsight showed me this. Now I'm doing everything in my power to change that. 5) I only blamed me. Most nice guys actually blame themselves, hence their toxic shame and insecurities.

    So yes, I did have to change. Gym, countless books, business plans, hobbies, taking no shit. And it's worked. Now I play women, need to make up for lost time.

    1|0
    4|0
    • Didn't mean to upvote this, was an accident. And no, you're still a nice guy, full of bitterness and self-pity.

    • Show All
    • @The_Empty
      Thats just how girls work, can't help it either
      ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
      They say 80% of girls go for 20% of guys, so become that 20%. The prize.

    • @Dipsy I'd rather be alone than perfect for a girl that doesn't deserve anything close to perfection.

  • Regardless of what was said, I though this take was very well written and organized.

    It seems like you spent a lot of time and mental energy carefully stitching small and large scale structure together, and it was just a pleasure to read.

    3|1
    0|0
  • I'm gonna get a couple things clear. First, attraction is part of chemistry, especially physical. Second, I'm not obligated, under any circumstances, to be nice to anyone, especially if they're in my face or busting my chops for no good reason. Besides, you preach to "nice guys", but if or when you become a single mom, the tables turn. Suddenly, you forget everything you've been preaching and rant about how it's so mean that no one wants to date the single mom. THIS IS EMPATHY, GET USED TO IT!!!

    3|3
    2|0
    • To clarify, no one is expected to be "nice", but you are expected to be "polite". HUGE difference.

    • Show All
    • "Preaching to the choir" - Yeah, it's almost like people can tell I've been in too many Internet fights for my own good. But they've made me learn a lot. I try to avoid them whenever necessary, but it's like I carry that aura of disagreement with me everywhere I go. You both could have said what you did in very different ways. It just kills me that people could talk to each more civilly, and more could get done that way. Yet whenever people have a chance, they always resort to their stereotypical ways, and it just creates more resentment. Everyone has a choice.

    • @SIGguy And I'm not singling you out for this. You have a right to your views. Take note of how almost everyone that disagreed with the take were responded to by people who were rather angry, and those people used many buzzwords to try to shut people down. That shouldn't be happening.

  • Nah. Leagues don't exist. Where's your ID Card that you are 9/10 and I'm 6/10?
    And if someone is boring, ignorant or abusive, it's obvious that no one will like him/her

    1|2
    2|1
  • Yet another one of these takes? Do you people not get the irony of constantly complaining about people constantly complaining?

    Oh, and, just to piss you off, always remember, feminists, men are not vending machines you out sex into and get a relationship out of!

    1|5
    1|0
  • Great take

    6|2
    1|1
  • I don't believe in leagues whatsoever, but I do fully believe in your second point. There's lots of people in the world (men and women alike) who go after people they're attracted to, even if they're not compatible. And then they wonder why they get shot down.

    0|2
    0|0
  • The flip side to this though is I get suspicious or even outright hostile looks from girls sometimes when I do something nice for them without them asking as if they think I now am going to demand something from them when I was just trying to be nice.

    1|1
    0|0
  • I agree with most of this, but
    1. There are no such things as leagues. Everyone is a human being, and therefore in the same "league."
    Leagues only matter to children, because a year difference makes a difference when you 10 to 14. It doesn't make a diff when you are 30 to 34, it's about the same.
    If by league, you mean common interest, then I can agree.

    2. true
    3. true
    4. true
    5. true

    1|2
    0|0
    • My British stepfather, who played soccer (they call it football) in his younger years, is wed to my obese mother. Your argument is quite valid.

  • Your take is one of the worst I've read here.

    3|6
    5|2
  • Hmm. Part of the problem is, many people, especially men, are basically brought up being told that you should be nice to girls and then try to go out with them "but be friends first." It's a gigantic lie that messes people up. So then they sit down and try to reconcile what's wrong with the world with what they've been taught.

    And two, being "nice" is just a horrible thing to be to anyone you're interested in. It's a kiss of death. It's the opposite of attractive. Be flirty, be brash, be witty, don't be nice. Do you see James Bond being "nice" to the women he sleeps with?

    0|1
    0|0
  • Decent take but whenever a girl brings up point #3 it grinds my gears. If being a decent human being is what you're SUPPOSED to do, why do you even consider getting with guys that aren't decent?

    1|3
    0|0
  • Nice guy, aka "The guy that I'm never going to fuck". Nice guys are in fact just ugly guys who try to compensate their ugliness with stupid shit that never worked. Girls hate them. Obviously they don't hate them due being nice (that doesn't make sense anyways), but simply cus they're some unattractive, usually short, nerdy looking and feminine fucks. Still, no woman will ever say they hate them due looks, but they always find a positive behaviour thing on him and turn it into negative.

    1|1
    0|0
  • Lol really another one of these? you did make some valid points but this topic really just needs to be laid to rest, not brought up again lol.

    0|1
    0|0
  • More from Guys
    29

What Girls Said 20

  • Beautiful, beautiful!

    2|0
    0|0
  • I really dislike takes like this, I'm so tired of people saying that you need to change yourself to get a date or if someone rejects you, it's your fault. Change needs to be of your own free will, something that you feel will help better improve you and your life. Change should not be a way to land a date, changing who you are and what you like to make yourself more appealing to the dating population is wrong. I have a lot personally changes to make, for myself but I will never change anything about myself just to make myself desirable to men. It' just not going to happen.

    Also, opposites do attracted and people connect with different people everyday. Just because someone is fun, doesn't mean they wouldn't go for someone laid back or "boring". Everybody needs someone who balences them out, no one wants to themselves. I just think this whole take is all wrong and sends a bad message to people who are in fact nice.

    4|7
    1|0
    • I'm not so sure opposites attract. In most cases I think they don't.

    • Show All
    • @R3d_Anonymous Thanks.

  • BEST

    TAKE

    EVER!

    .. honestly I've met many guys like this... And they always blame someone else and they're always bitter because the hot girl next door doesn't find them attractive and they want only her -because she's hot... But they don't even know her. Hahaha

    onegentlemansperspective.files.wordpress.com/.../leonardo-gif1.gif

    5|2
    0|2
  • Generalizations that people think are accurate based on their own perception. I know quite a few nice guys/girls that have an s. o. that could be considered "out of their league" by observers if you went off of looks. I have come across guys that I wouldn't normally just go for, but then I got to know them and thought, "hmm... I would be with this guy". Why? Because good guys really are better than douchebags. Once you get to know someone, your opinion of them usually changes, either for the better or worse. I could be attracted to a guy in "my league", but then be turned off after getting to know him. As for hot guys, if he's a douchebag, I wouldn't even give him a second thought. Fyi, nobody is better than anyone else. That's all a delusion that people create for themselves or for others.

    Not all "nice guys/girls" are bitter. Can a nice person become bitter? Yes. Through life's experiences, anyone can become bitter. That's their personal cross to bear and something they can hopefully overcome. It's not always because they keep going after people that someone else considers to be out of their league.

    1|1
    0|0
  • I just want to say that number 3 is spot on except that there should be boundaries- what are you willing to do for other people- it's okay as long as you're not letting them walk over you. Some guys think if they do a trillion favors for a girl- be it small or big favors- she's gonna like him and that she HAS to say yes to him.
    In reality, it's stupid because he's doing all that stuff for her just to get something from her. This mindset is wrong on so many levels, but the basic error in here is that the guy doesn't have repsect for him or the girl. He could give her the moon and she still won't like him because, sometimes, girls take advantage of this situation and simply use the guy for doing favors for them, she doesn't respect him.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Great MyTake

    I do have an issue with "Maybe I'm not smart/fun/interesting enough for them. Maybe I should have worked on my appearance more."

    People shouldn't feel this way in my opinion. Just mentally brush the whole thing off and say "I'm not their type or they don't want a relationship" and the appearance thing. Eh. As long as someone isn't a slob, they shouldn't have to change. People should be with people who like them not find them hot all the time.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 👏great job! Really wish guys would understand this.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I dated a guy who claimed to be nice, and he was just an asshole in disguise. He was always complaining about everything and that no one wanted him. and why no one wnat to sleep with him.

    Ironically, people says I'm nice, i think it's because I'm a kind person and sweet, and I really don't recognize myself in any of this. I don't compare myself with others or complain like the guy I used to date.

    1|0
    0|0
  • "1. They go for people way out of their league and get pissed when they're not willing to "settle"

    There are no "leagues", unless you're an extremely shallow and probably unlikeable person. Just date whoever you're attracted to.

    0|2
    1|0
  • This take was right on the money :) Good job!

    1|0
    0|0
  • I try and be the nicest that I can; There have been too many experiences with people's perceptions of my words that I'm never certain on whether or not I'm coming off as nice to whomever I'm speaking to at any given moment. Perhaps this is just a social-readability defecit on my part...

    0|1
    0|0
  • Nice take. It's always funny to see the unattractive "nice" guy complaining that the really attractive/hot girls, don't like "nice" guys but you don't see him approaching any less attractive women lol

    1|0
    0|1
  • i give you a thumbs up and batman agrees!
    screencrush.com/442/files/2013/03/thumbs-up.jpg

    1|0
    0|0
  • I would like to add that some guys are so focused on being nice that they actually turn out to be annoying, clingy, or they baby us.

    0|0
    0|1
  • You enjoy looking at people with a microscope huh?

    0|1
    1|0
  • THANK YOU. you are my new favorite person.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I got a friendzone, an enemyzone, and a get-out-of-my-face-before-I-bust-yo-nose zone.

    1|0
    0|0
  • yezza, totally agree with this! ;)

    0|0
    0|1
  • Nice take. :) I like this and I agree.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Yep this is great. This goes for men and women who do this

    0|0
    0|0
  • More from Girls
    0
Loading...