Why "Nice Guys/Girls" Are Not Really Nice

I recently saw a myTake on why "nice guys/girls" can't get a date. I agree with everything the author said, except one thing: nice guys are girls are not really "nice". Wondering why? Well, one of the reasons is...

1. They go for people way out of their league and get pissed when they're not willing to "settle"

Sorry, but leagues do exist. If you're unattractive and boring, you can't expect someone who is fun and good-looking to be interested in you. Most of the nice guy and gals only chase people that fall into the latter category, and are not willing to even consider someone who is on their level. If you're obese, but won't date someone who is not fit, or want an intelligent partner while never doing anything for self-improvement yourself, then you're not a "nice person who can't land a date because all the guys/girls only like hoes/assholes", you're a hypocrite.

2. ... or worse: They only go for people whom they have nothing in common with, simply because those people are hot.

Why

You see, when someone says "I want someone who'll treat me nicely", they don't mean "I'll go out with just about anyone as long as they're nice". What is usually implied is "I want someone whose looks and personality I find attractive, whom I share common interests with, and who'll also treat me nicely". Niceness alone isn't worth anything, it only matters as a part of the whole package. And yet, if you take a good look around, you'll notice how many attractive guys and girls are constantly being pursued by people whom they have nothing in common with, who for some reason think the former owe them sex or relationships because they're nice. Which brings me to my next point...

3. You don't get brownie points for something you're supposed to do

Basic human decency requires to treat other fellow humans nicely. Which truly nice person would expect praise and appreciation for not being a jerk?

Besides,..

4. If you really are "nice", you don't need to tell everyone that. They know!

If you need to announce that you're nice, you're probably not, otherwise people would have realised it long time ago. That's just common sense.

5. However, the biggest red flag, in my opinion, is that they blame everyone but themselves

When you hear the word "nice", what characteristics do you think of? For me, "nice" is someone who is compassionate, polite, kind, and forgiving. When getting rejected, a nice person's train of thought would probably look similar to the following: "Okay, that hurt like a bitch, but such is life. Maybe I'm not smart/fun/interesting enough for them. Maybe I should have worked on my appearance more. Or maybe I'm simply not their type, or they like someone else at the moment. In any case, everyone is entitled to their feelings and preferences, so I won't hold a grudge against them for not liking me." If someone's first reaction is to throw a hissy fit and start trash talking the person they like, this person's crush, or the entire gender this person belongs to (e.g. the aforementioned "women only date jerks/men only date hoes"), then sorry, that someone is not nice.


Recognised yourself? Then it's your chance to get your dating life right. Stop being bitter, and instead of blaming others for your failures, read this take again, realise what you're doing wrong, and make an effort to change. It may be a long and tough road, but it'll be worth it in the end, when you'll find someone the new, better "you" deserves. Good luck! :)


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What Guys Said 49

  • Hmm. Part of the problem is, many people, especially men, are basically brought up being told that you should be nice to girls and then try to go out with them "but be friends first." It's a gigantic lie that messes people up. So then they sit down and try to reconcile what's wrong with the world with what they've been taught.

    And two, being "nice" is just a horrible thing to be to anyone you're interested in. It's a kiss of death. It's the opposite of attractive. Be flirty, be brash, be witty, don't be nice. Do you see James Bond being "nice" to the women he sleeps with?

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  • Great take

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  • why do you assume that nice guys are any of the above things? I'm a nice guy, I know it and people who know me know it. I don't talk about it, I don't expect things as a result

    being kind, thoughtful, caring, loving OR NICE is a characteristic trait. People who moan and complain aren't necessarily not nice but maybe they feel like their kindness goes unrequited. Now to me that is kind of lame but it doesn't change the fact that the person may still be nice.

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    • For me, it's not necessarily so much that my kindness goes unrequited as it is this: I actually got along with those girls. It WASN'T just me wanting to get with a hot woman that I had nothing in common with and couldn't talk to. I had more to talk about with these girls than anyone I've seen on the dating sites and I could talk to them better than anyone I've ever met when I've gone out. We could talk, we could laugh, we could share thoughts that went deeper than the surface. And my looks aren't that bad. So if the looks aren't in the way, and we can actually have a real conversation, then why can't it work? How much more do I need to be good enough?

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    • And before you jump down my throat about this, just know - I have BEEN the friend in the "friendzone" so I know how much it hurts. But I valued my friend enough to tough it out and remain friends. Because I wasn't just being friends with him to try to fuck him or date him - I genuinely love and care about the guy as a person. It just so happened that for a time, that love was something more than platonic, but he did not feel the same way.

    • Sara413, THANK YOU. I also got friend zoned, but you also don't see me crying about it because I actually valued the friendship.

  • Lol really another one of these? you did make some valid points but this topic really just needs to be laid to rest, not brought up again lol.

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  • I don't blame others I always blame myself for my luck of success

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  • Well I'm a nice guy but I dont feel like girls owe me anything I dont get friendzoned jjust flat out ignored. I know my looks are bad and I dont care for hot girls too much but shit happens you gotta deal with it and move on I guess

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  • It seems deluded that some think they are entitled for being nice. And if you don't tick someone's boxes then don't expect to get a date out of them its that simple

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  • Very well put together. 5 stars

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  • Most 'nice guys' have a nice core (not all, but most).

    Why? A guy who is a jerk rapidly drops the nice guy routine when he realizes it doesn't work, and moves on to... destroying girls self esteem or other negative but successful behaviors.

    Nice guys? Most of them are nice guys trying to do the right thing. And it isn't working. So on some level they think they have to try -harder-. Because they were told girls liked nice guys, at least, 'good girls' do (they've been warned that sluts like bad boys or jocks or something similar). So they try harder and harder and harder because they aren't having success, till soon they are behaving in ways that are passive aggressive, being fake, acting like doormats, all while building resentment, living with this confused double think where on one hand they feel they must not be nice enough, and on the other, objectively are aware they are being much 'nicer' than guys having success, and at the same time, all the girls they actually meet, even ones who appear to be quite nice that they'd like to date, are going after 'bad boys', i. e. ALL the girls are the sort of girls they were told to avoid. So they're lashing out, being judgmental, being bitter and acting 'entitled'.

    But deep down, if they were really jerks, they wouldn't be stuck in this rut to begin with.

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  • Nice guy, aka "The guy that I'm never going to fuck". Nice guys are in fact just ugly guys who try to compensate their ugliness with stupid shit that never worked. Girls hate them. Obviously they don't hate them due being nice (that doesn't make sense anyways), but simply cus they're some unattractive, usually short, nerdy looking and feminine fucks. Still, no woman will ever say they hate them due looks, but they always find a positive behaviour thing on him and turn it into negative.

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  • That's pretty obvious.

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  • I love this a nice guy is a guy who thinks by being nice the world should fall in his lap because he a fucking martyr. A good guy/men does it because it's the right thing and although being appreciate is nice it should be a given that being a good person is a norm not a sacrifice

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  • Thanks captain obvious.

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  • I agree with the vast majoriy of this take.

    The most important is who you choose.

    I would consider myself like a very nice guy, but I didn't tried to go to clubs to try to date a sl*t or a party girl that had many relationship/sex partners before.

    I found one sweet girl, really good looking, but still, has a great personality compared to 90% of our generation.

    can't complain at all.

    I would just add though, that another big reason why a lot of guys thinks like that, is when girls reject them, to try to hurt the guy's feelings a bit less, they will say things like:

    Im sorry, I like you as a friend...

    Im sorry, you are too nice for me...

    and more...

    If the girl was simply said: im sorry, you are a good friend, but you are not my type'', the guy would probably understand that its just because you are not interested in him.

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  • Used to be like that.
    Decided to stop this shit and just be a 24/7 asshole. It doesn't help me with others,
    but at least I can be myself and don't have to put effort into seeming nice.
    However, I have to say, it pisses me off that the term nice is now trashed on the internet for whatever reason.

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    • "However, I have to say, it pisses me off that the term nice is now trashed on the internet for whatever reason.

      Brave New World, my friend. That's just the way young people are these days.

  • I used to call myself a "nice guy." When I started realizing that I was at fault for what happened in past relationships and dealing with the few times I was rejected, I've kinda backed out of the whole relationship scene.

    I'm too afraid to talk or even gesture to women I find attractive anymore. I've been hurt too much to try again.

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  • Unfortunately, when I was a young dumb full of cum youngster, I was once this kind of whiny, bitter, complaining and selfish kind of "nice guy" who used to think that I was owed something by women because of how "nice" I supposedly was. Number two on the list is what I was most guilty of back then. I was pretty stubborn when I was younger and I had to learn the hard way, as most guys that think this way will, that my behaviors and mannerisms where the problem. Guys if your reading this and any of these behaviors describe you please stop doing it, stop the bitterness, stop the envy, stop the whining, stop the complaining, recognize that you are the problem and make a sincere effort to change. This kind of behavior is not attractive or sexy to a woman. I'm not trying to bust anyone's chops or make you feel shitty. Please don't take offense to what I am saying because I'm not trying to come at you like that. I wish I had someone to give me some of this advice when I was younger and might have been able to save myself a lot of frustration and heartache and had better interactions with women. Please just take a step back and see it for what it is.

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    • This sounds like something straight out of a Tumblr copypasta. Of course, it's trendy to think that guys are always at fault for everything by default. The person who made the take just said "Nice Guys/gals" so they could pretend to be impartial. I'd say that if someone uses their Internet life to bash nice guys 24/7, it's best to stay away from them.

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    • I just disagree that absolutely everything is always the guy's fault. Yeah, I get it, that's the trendy, modern way to think these days. It's hip, and in vogue. But when people step into reality, they usually find out the cold hard way that responsibility is a two-way street. It works both ways. But I don't expect anybody on this site to understand that.

    • For me, it's wasn't that I think they owe me sex because I am nice, or that I liked them only because they were hot.

      It was more like they were people I could actually talk to, who liked some of the same stuff as me and in one case, most of the same stuff as me. In fact, had more to talk about with them than I have with any of the girls I've ever met when I'm out with friends. That they were good-looking and had common interests or at least the ability to carry real conversations with me, that's what made them stand out from the crowd and got my interest up. Best of all worlds.

      The problem was that when I met them, I wasn't confident, didn't have my life together. I didn't know what I wanted to do for money and while I had hobbies I wanted, I was scared that I wasn't ever going to be good enough. So I didn't have much going on with me. But I always wanted to improve. That's what makes me think I had a chance. I wasn't on their level, but I sincerely wanted to be.

  • Girls are so scary.

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  • So what my niceness comes out in my personality and how I talk cause I have had so many girls say you are so nice maybe even too nice

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  • Well at least there is no danger of you being considered nice if the first thing you talk about are "leagues".

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What Girls Said 20

  • This take was right on the money :) Good job!

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  • I really dislike takes like this, I'm so tired of people saying that you need to change yourself to get a date or if someone rejects you, it's your fault. Change needs to be of your own free will, something that you feel will help better improve you and your life. Change should not be a way to land a date, changing who you are and what you like to make yourself more appealing to the dating population is wrong. I have a lot personally changes to make, for myself but I will never change anything about myself just to make myself desirable to men. It' just not going to happen.

    Also, opposites do attracted and people connect with different people everyday. Just because someone is fun, doesn't mean they wouldn't go for someone laid back or "boring". Everybody needs someone who balences them out, no one wants to themselves. I just think this whole take is all wrong and sends a bad message to people who are in fact nice.

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    • I'm not so sure opposites attract. In most cases I think they don't.

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    • @R3d_Anonymous Thanks.

  • BEST

    TAKE

    EVER!

    .. honestly I've met many guys like this... And they always blame someone else and they're always bitter because the hot girl next door doesn't find them attractive and they want only her -because she's hot... But they don't even know her. Hahaha

    onegentlemansperspective.files.wordpress.com/.../leonardo-gif1.gif

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  • Beautiful, beautiful!

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  • yezza, totally agree with this! ;)

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  • I would like to add that some guys are so focused on being nice that they actually turn out to be annoying, clingy, or they baby us.

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  • I try and be the nicest that I can; There have been too many experiences with people's perceptions of my words that I'm never certain on whether or not I'm coming off as nice to whomever I'm speaking to at any given moment. Perhaps this is just a social-readability defecit on my part...

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  • Nice take. It's always funny to see the unattractive "nice" guy complaining that the really attractive/hot girls, don't like "nice" guys but you don't see him approaching any less attractive women lol

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  • You enjoy looking at people with a microscope huh?

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  • Great MyTake

    I do have an issue with "Maybe I'm not smart/fun/interesting enough for them. Maybe I should have worked on my appearance more."

    People shouldn't feel this way in my opinion. Just mentally brush the whole thing off and say "I'm not their type or they don't want a relationship" and the appearance thing. Eh. As long as someone isn't a slob, they shouldn't have to change. People should be with people who like them not find them hot all the time.

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  • I got a friendzone, an enemyzone, and a get-out-of-my-face-before-I-bust-yo-nose zone.

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  • Generalizations that people think are accurate based on their own perception. I know quite a few nice guys/girls that have an s. o. that could be considered "out of their league" by observers if you went off of looks. I have come across guys that I wouldn't normally just go for, but then I got to know them and thought, "hmm... I would be with this guy". Why? Because good guys really are better than douchebags. Once you get to know someone, your opinion of them usually changes, either for the better or worse. I could be attracted to a guy in "my league", but then be turned off after getting to know him. As for hot guys, if he's a douchebag, I wouldn't even give him a second thought. Fyi, nobody is better than anyone else. That's all a delusion that people create for themselves or for others.

    Not all "nice guys/girls" are bitter. Can a nice person become bitter? Yes. Through life's experiences, anyone can become bitter. That's their personal cross to bear and something they can hopefully overcome. It's not always because they keep going after people that someone else considers to be out of their league.

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  • I dated a guy who claimed to be nice, and he was just an asshole in disguise. He was always complaining about everything and that no one wanted him. and why no one wnat to sleep with him.

    Ironically, people says I'm nice, i think it's because I'm a kind person and sweet, and I really don't recognize myself in any of this. I don't compare myself with others or complain like the guy I used to date.

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  • I just want to say that number 3 is spot on except that there should be boundaries- what are you willing to do for other people- it's okay as long as you're not letting them walk over you. Some guys think if they do a trillion favors for a girl- be it small or big favors- she's gonna like him and that she HAS to say yes to him.
    In reality, it's stupid because he's doing all that stuff for her just to get something from her. This mindset is wrong on so many levels, but the basic error in here is that the guy doesn't have repsect for him or the girl. He could give her the moon and she still won't like him because, sometimes, girls take advantage of this situation and simply use the guy for doing favors for them, she doesn't respect him.

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  • 👏great job! Really wish guys would understand this.

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  • Yep this is great. This goes for men and women who do this

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  • i give you a thumbs up and batman agrees!
    screencrush.com/442/files/2013/03/thumbs-up.jpg

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  • "1. They go for people way out of their league and get pissed when they're not willing to "settle"

    There are no "leagues", unless you're an extremely shallow and probably unlikeable person. Just date whoever you're attracted to.

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  • THANK YOU. you are my new favorite person.

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  • Nice take. :) I like this and I agree.

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