Why "Nice Guys/Girls" Are Not Really Nice


I recently saw a myTake on why "nice guys/girls" can't get a date. I agree with everything the author said, except one thing: nice guys are girls are not really "nice". Wondering why? Well, one of the reasons is...

1. They go for people way out of their league and get pissed when they're not willing to "settle"

Sorry, but leagues do exist. If you're unattractive and boring, you can't expect someone who is fun and good-looking to be interested in you. Most of the nice guy and gals only chase people that fall into the latter category, and are not willing to even consider someone who is on their level. If you're obese, but won't date someone who is not fit, or want an intelligent partner while never doing anything for self-improvement yourself, then you're not a "nice person who can't land a date because all the guys/girls only like hoes/assholes", you're a hypocrite.

2. ... or worse: They only go for people whom they have nothing in common with, simply because those people are hot.


You see, when someone says "I want someone who'll treat me nicely", they don't mean "I'll go out with just about anyone as long as they're nice". What is usually implied is "I want someone whose looks and personality I find attractive, whom I share common interests with, and who'll also treat me nicely". Niceness alone isn't worth anything, it only matters as a part of the whole package. And yet, if you take a good look around, you'll notice how many attractive guys and girls are constantly being pursued by people whom they have nothing in common with, who for some reason think the former owe them sex or relationships because they're nice. Which brings me to my next point...

3. You don't get brownie points for something you're supposed to do

Basic human decency requires to treat other fellow humans nicely. Which truly nice person would expect praise and appreciation for not being a jerk?

Why "Nice Guys/Girls" Are Not Really Nice


4. If you really are "nice", you don't need to tell everyone that. They know!

If you need to announce that you're nice, you're probably not, otherwise people would have realised it long time ago. That's just common sense.

5. However, the biggest red flag, in my opinion, is that they blame everyone but themselves

When you hear the word "nice", what characteristics do you think of? For me, "nice" is someone who is compassionate, polite, kind, and forgiving. When getting rejected, a nice person's train of thought would probably look similar to the following: "Okay, that hurt like a bitch, but such is life. Maybe I'm not smart/fun/interesting enough for them. Maybe I should have worked on my appearance more. Or maybe I'm simply not their type, or they like someone else at the moment. In any case, everyone is entitled to their feelings and preferences, so I won't hold a grudge against them for not liking me." If someone's first reaction is to throw a hissy fit and start trash talking the person they like, this person's crush, or the entire gender this person belongs to (e.g. the aforementioned "women only date jerks/men only date hoes"), then sorry, that someone is not nice.

Recognised yourself? Then it's your chance to get your dating life right. Stop being bitter, and instead of blaming others for your failures, read this take again, realise what you're doing wrong, and make an effort to change. It may be a long and tough road, but it'll be worth it in the end, when you'll find someone the new, better "you" deserves. Good luck! :)

Why "Nice Guys/Girls" Are Not Really Nice
Add Opinion
20Girl Opinion
49Guy Opinion

Most Helpful Guy

  • Anonymous
    I'm known as very nice guy. I don't pretend to be nice, I am naturally nice (except educational/professional environment) and I'm below average looking and guess what, a very beautiful girl liked me, way out of my 'league'. Nothing ever happened. Why? Because I believed in the 'league' and thought that she's out of league. Even after accepting that I can be with her, I took things too slow and she went away. I am 100% to be blamed here.

    This 'league' thing is total BS.
    Ivy league engineering graduates scratch head after looking at machines of an Asian teen going to school. MK Dons thrashes Manchester United. Tiny organisations terrorise countries with army of millions... list is endless.
    Like 8 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Sara413

      I don't think the point was that it never happens, but that if the ONLY people you ever chase are ones who are far more attractive then you, then you can't piss and moan about them not wanting you. You can't EXPECT someone who be attracted to you who is highly desirable if you're, well, not.

    • Anonymous

      @Sara413 I know. However this article is noticeably generalised & biased against nice guys. This isn't topic of terrorism, honour killing, rape etc where things are clearly going in a direction, nice guys can be genuinely nice or pretending to be nice; so generalising is a mistake here. This article is misleading on so many levels. Discouraging to geuinely nice guys.

      Also, who said that one can't chase only more attractive persons? If one can accept first-sight-rejections then what's the problem in that? Chaces may not be as good as an attractive person but they won't be too less either. Attractiveness is subjective.
      And you can't piss and moan about them for not wanting you (No one should piss & moan but it's alright, if you were rejected in insulting or inhumane manner) because you can't expect anyone to like you. Do more attractive person get license to piss & moan when they get rejected? Can more attractive person expect someone to like them?

    • Anonymous

      @Sara413 ...

      No, they can't even expect a ugly person to like them. Because still a very attractive person can be rejected easily by an ugly person just like an ugly person gets rejected by a very attractive person. This applies to global superstars to an unnoticed worker in a office.

      Well, my point was that this 'league' thing to classify persons is utter bullshit. It is same as defining social classes. Which parameter is used to define leagues? Only looks & that's superficial. I know looks are important but stopping yourself because of looks isn't right. And relationships between two people from very different leagues aren't that much rare either. So if you want someone then go get'em. Have some pride and balls to accept rejection. It can come from anyone, any league.

    • Show All

Most Helpful Girl

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

  • Scrambledagain
    I really hate this post. Tell you why, I'm a nice guy... was a nice guy. But I didn't even know this until I read about it in a pick up artist book at the age of 28 or so. Hindsight is a bitch. I was literally friendshipzoned by every girl in my social group. So I'm going to say my piece: 1) I never went for the hottest girl, In fact I learnt lesson number 1: No girl likes a nice guy. The very few who did like me were religious types (not for me) 2) related, I did have standards in terms of personality. I'm outgoing. The only problem was the outgoing ladies were usually taken or as per point 1, were friends with me only. 3) I get that nice should be a given. But I could never understand why girls complained about men to me but went for those same men, then tells me I will find a me a "lucky girl"? lesson learnt. Women can talk so much shit and you don't know what you want. Also bad boys get the girls. 4) I never called my self a nice guy. In fact I was the clown of my group and I was the funny guy: lesson learnt: humour, like nice also doesn't get girls. Hindsight showed me this. Now I'm doing everything in my power to change that. 5) I only blamed me. Most nice guys actually blame themselves, hence their toxic shame and insecurities.

    So yes, I did have to change. Gym, countless books, business plans, hobbies, taking no shit. And it's worked. Now I play women, need to make up for lost time.
    LikeDisagree 5 People
    • Subject0

      Didn't mean to upvote this, was an accident. And no, you're still a nice guy, full of bitterness and self-pity.

    • Dipsy

      In order for a girl to want you, you have to be a prize in her eyes. Girls never admit this, but they want a very good boyfriend, to basically show off. It's a competition among women. You shouldn't be just a guy, you should be A guy. It's a difference. Women want a guy whom they're very satisfied with and actually to make other women jealous. It's the sad truth.
      Popularity plays a huge role. In order to become popular, you have to get (lots of) friends and people have to like you in general (a likeable personality). You need confidence too, and you have to be charming. People should want to be in your presence, dominance, a social leader kind of. That's what makes girls weak to the knees.

    • 😂 hell no I'm not a nice guy. Nice guys end up on Ashley Madison. I'm a dick in the love game. Nice guys don't get women... I'm getting women now. But I must admit, it's been a rough road and I am a dark soul, and do regret my former self. Religious upbringings will do that to you.

    • Show All
  • Bluemax
    An interesting take and quite right on some points, but not so right on other points.

    1. "If you're unattractive and boring, you can't expect someone who is fun and good-looking to be interested in you"
    Most unattractive people I know do not *expect* someone good looking. They *desire* someone good looking. And the two words aren't interchangeable. I expect to win the lottery is different from I desire to win the lottery. I expect someone attractive is different from I desire someone attractive. All humans on the planet, attractive and unattractive, desire attractive people. This is the result of millions of years of human evolution. We can control how we act, but we can't control who we're attracted to. Thus I don't think unattractive people are hypocrites for desiring attractive people. I *do* think unattractive people are hypocrites when they BLAME attractive people for not liking them.

    Boring is much more subjective than appearance, I think. I find most of pop culture boring, but many people don't. Likewise, many people find Beethoven boring, but my wife and I don't.

    I also dislike this term "blame" when it comes to rejection. When I was rejected, I felt I was not to blame, and she was not to blame. No one is to blame. She just didn't like me so move on. When I rejected girls, I never once thought, "Well, she's to blame." I certainly didn't think I was to blame. In most cases, when a rejection occurs, NO ONE IS TO BLAME.

    Subject0, when you were rejected, did you say to yourself, "I'm to blame?" Or when you rejected someone, did you say to yourself, "He's to blame (or she if you swing that way)?" Blame when it comes to rejection in most cases strikes me as just odd.

    If you keep striking out, my suggestion (and here's where we agree) is to increase your level of attractiveness as much as possible. It's the smartest thing you said in this take, though it's unlikely the readers you were attempting to appeal to even got that far in reading your take, given your style of heaping names and blame on them.
    Like 4 People
  • LittleSally



    .. honestly I've met many guys like this... And they always blame someone else and they're always bitter because the hot girl next door doesn't find them attractive and they want only her -because she's hot... But they don't even know her. Hahaha

    LikeDisagree 9 People
  • crystalt70
    Generalizations that people think are accurate based on their own perception. I know quite a few nice guys/girls that have an s. o. that could be considered "out of their league" by observers if you went off of looks. I have come across guys that I wouldn't normally just go for, but then I got to know them and thought, "hmm... I would be with this guy". Why? Because good guys really are better than douchebags. Once you get to know someone, your opinion of them usually changes, either for the better or worse. I could be attracted to a guy in "my league", but then be turned off after getting to know him. As for hot guys, if he's a douchebag, I wouldn't even give him a second thought. Fyi, nobody is better than anyone else. That's all a delusion that people create for themselves or for others.

    Not all "nice guys/girls" are bitter. Can a nice person become bitter? Yes. Through life's experiences, anyone can become bitter. That's their personal cross to bear and something they can hopefully overcome. It's not always because they keep going after people that someone else considers to be out of their league.
    Like 2 People
  • madhatters4
    why do you assume that nice guys are any of the above things? I'm a nice guy, I know it and people who know me know it. I don't talk about it, I don't expect things as a result

    being kind, thoughtful, caring, loving OR NICE is a characteristic trait. People who moan and complain aren't necessarily not nice but maybe they feel like their kindness goes unrequited. Now to me that is kind of lame but it doesn't change the fact that the person may still be nice.
    Like 5 People
    • TheSkaFish

      For me, it's not necessarily so much that my kindness goes unrequited as it is this: I actually got along with those girls. It WASN'T just me wanting to get with a hot woman that I had nothing in common with and couldn't talk to. I had more to talk about with these girls than anyone I've seen on the dating sites and I could talk to them better than anyone I've ever met when I've gone out. We could talk, we could laugh, we could share thoughts that went deeper than the surface. And my looks aren't that bad. So if the looks aren't in the way, and we can actually have a real conversation, then why can't it work? How much more do I need to be good enough?

    • It's an interesting issue and certainly one I've had "nice guy" friends mention. I think a big issue is that if you do enter that friend zone, women often don't want to lose that friendship. they then see a potential relationship as a friendship killer. OR they simply don't see that platonic friend as a romantic option whereas men don't usually seem to have that conundrum... all that said there is no reason and it's not fair to kind of get angry at women about it. I've dated women that I became friends with first. I've also had the scenario you mentioned occur.

    • TheSkaFish

      Well, it gives me some hope that you, and other men, have managed to date women that you started out as just friends with. I guess you never know what could happen.

      What gets me mad though, is that the idea of "you're just a friend" is essentially saying you are worthless as a man. It is writing off your masculinity, your potential, your future. Which wouldn't hurt at all from someone who didn't like me in the first place and vice versa. I'm sure there are women out there who think I'm a loser but if it's someone I can't really talk to, I couldn't care less. But from someone who acted like they cared, who acted like they enjoy you and believe in you? It hurts.

      But I'm like, ok I'll improve because you're worth it and I want to improve anyway, even just for me. But they're like, no, I want to just keep you in the "loser" pile forever. It's a game of "kick the runt". That's what I hate. WTF? So because I didn't know how to be cool when we met, that means I can't ever learn to be?

    • Show All
  • thecd1979
    Unfortunately, when I was a young dumb full of cum youngster, I was once this kind of whiny, bitter, complaining and selfish kind of "nice guy" who used to think that I was owed something by women because of how "nice" I supposedly was. Number two on the list is what I was most guilty of back then. I was pretty stubborn when I was younger and I had to learn the hard way, as most guys that think this way will, that my behaviors and mannerisms where the problem. Guys if your reading this and any of these behaviors describe you please stop doing it, stop the bitterness, stop the envy, stop the whining, stop the complaining, recognize that you are the problem and make a sincere effort to change. This kind of behavior is not attractive or sexy to a woman. I'm not trying to bust anyone's chops or make you feel shitty. Please don't take offense to what I am saying because I'm not trying to come at you like that. I wish I had someone to give me some of this advice when I was younger and might have been able to save myself a lot of frustration and heartache and had better interactions with women. Please just take a step back and see it for what it is.
    • This sounds like something straight out of a Tumblr copypasta. Of course, it's trendy to think that guys are always at fault for everything by default. The person who made the take just said "Nice Guys/gals" so they could pretend to be impartial. I'd say that if someone uses their Internet life to bash nice guys 24/7, it's best to stay away from them.

    • thecd1979

      Hey dude, if the shoe fits wear it, that's all I'm saying, if not then you should be good to go

    • I just disagree that absolutely everything is always the guy's fault. Yeah, I get it, that's the trendy, modern way to think these days. It's hip, and in vogue. But when people step into reality, they usually find out the cold hard way that responsibility is a two-way street. It works both ways. But I don't expect anybody on this site to understand that.

    • Show All
  • loveisbeautiful
    I really dislike takes like this, I'm so tired of people saying that you need to change yourself to get a date or if someone rejects you, it's your fault. Change needs to be of your own free will, something that you feel will help better improve you and your life. Change should not be a way to land a date, changing who you are and what you like to make yourself more appealing to the dating population is wrong. I have a lot personally changes to make, for myself but I will never change anything about myself just to make myself desirable to men. It' just not going to happen.

    Also, opposites do attracted and people connect with different people everyday. Just because someone is fun, doesn't mean they wouldn't go for someone laid back or "boring". Everybody needs someone who balences them out, no one wants to themselves. I just think this whole take is all wrong and sends a bad message to people who are in fact nice.
    LikeDisagree 12 People
    • Bluemax

      I'm not so sure opposites attract. In most cases I think they don't.

    • @loveisbeautiful I wanted to respond a few days ago but I forgot. But your comment was very refreshing. It hurts when someone tells you that you need to completely change who you are, just so you can score a date. This works for both sides. I've always had this innate feeling that if someone wants you to change who you are, completely, just so you can score a date with them, then they aren't worth it! Too many people on the Internet try to give "honest" dating advice and it comes off bad. We need more people like you to say these things!

    • ras144

      No no no no no, you apparently have never met these nice guys/gals, haven't you.

      "Also, opposites do attracted "
      That's Bullshit, stop believing everything you watch on tv. Those opposite attract couples are rare, end up in divorce, and/or have SOME SORT of common interest. Do you honestly think Britney Spears would date Steven Hawkings? Do you?

      " I'm so tired of people saying that you need to change yourself to get a date or if someone rejects you, it's your fault."
      If you are CONSTANTLY getting rejected on a daily basis, 25 years old and still virgin, you're going to sit there and tell me you're probably not doing something wrong? Really? That sounds like someone who's in denial.

      "Change should not be a way to land a date,"
      This isn't about telling Nice Guys/Gals to change themselves to get a date. It's telling them WHY THEY CAN'T GET A DATE. Usually, they Nice Guys/Gals need to change their entire mentality to also save them from a life of bitterness and self-pity.

    • Show All
  • SIGguy
    I'm gonna get a couple things clear. First, attraction is part of chemistry, especially physical. Second, I'm not obligated, under any circumstances, to be nice to anyone, especially if they're in my face or busting my chops for no good reason. Besides, you preach to "nice guys", but if or when you become a single mom, the tables turn. Suddenly, you forget everything you've been preaching and rant about how it's so mean that no one wants to date the single mom. THIS IS EMPATHY, GET USED TO IT!!!
    LikeDisagree 8 People
    • SIGguy

      To clarify, no one is expected to be "nice", but you are expected to be "polite". HUGE difference.

    • SIGguy

      @ras144 "Misogynist, misogynist", anyone that disagrees with you is a misogynist. Get over yourself!

    • ras144

      No, just people who have an unreasonable hatred for women, like you.

    • Show All
  • The_Empty
    Yet another one of these takes? Do you people not get the irony of constantly complaining about people constantly complaining?

    Oh, and, just to piss you off, always remember, feminists, men are not vending machines you out sex into and get a relationship out of!
    LikeDisagree 7 People
  • pnl86
    Regardless of what was said, I though this take was very well written and organized.

    It seems like you spent a lot of time and mental energy carefully stitching small and large scale structure together, and it was just a pleasure to read.
    Like 4 People
  • DodgersGM
    I don't believe in leagues whatsoever, but I do fully believe in your second point. There's lots of people in the world (men and women alike) who go after people they're attracted to, even if they're not compatible. And then they wonder why they get shot down.
    Like 2 People
  • GreatnessPersonified
    I agree with most of this, but
    1. There are no such things as leagues. Everyone is a human being, and therefore in the same "league."
    Leagues only matter to children, because a year difference makes a difference when you 10 to 14. It doesn't make a diff when you are 30 to 34, it's about the same.
    If by league, you mean common interest, then I can agree.

    2. true
    3. true
    4. true
    5. true
    Like 3 People
    • SIGguy

      My British stepfather, who played soccer (they call it football) in his younger years, is wed to my obese mother. Your argument is quite valid.

  • Nuqood
    The image in point #2 is retarded.

    No shit a guy wants a pretty woman, all men do. That's kind of a difference between men and women, women are more interested in personality than men are, so the bloke in the image isn't a scumbag steve for acknowledging his nature.

    Asker, how many 'nice guys' have you ran into that weren't people online? How many have outright told you that they were 'nice guys' and bitches about how 'assholes' got the girls in person and not venting online? Usually those types stay silent IRL, so the issue doesn't even matter.
    LikeDisagree 9 People
    • The_Empty

      But, somebody is WRONG over the INTERNET

    • LightsOff

      The image is not "retarded" at all. There's a difference between wanting a hot girl but knowing you probably won't get one because they would be out of your league, and wanting a hot girl and EXPECTING her to fall for you despite all your crazy flaws. The first thing is fine, it's totally natural to appreciate other people's beauty and to feel attracted to it. The second thing is a bit delusional though, you can't expect someone who's a 10/10 (looks and personality) to fall for you if your like a 4/10. It's just not very realistic. It can happen but the chances are so very slim. Especially if you're really just a bitter, insecure and pessimistic person.

    • Nuqood

      @lightoff There's no such thing as 'out of your league'. The only people who say that are women with an inflated self-worth and men who have no confidence.

      Women don't give a shit less whether a guy is handsome or not. Women are attracted to resource, worth, status, and personality. If someone is known as the best in their field, speak passionately about it, have a large social group, can provide for their needs, have leadership qualities, and their personality intrigues them they will fall for them.

      Men aren't the same; Men care about looks more than personality, and any man who says they don't is a liar since, guaranteed, the appearance of a woman is what makes them approach and not 'she looked like she has a good personality'. The image says he wants her to like his personality if she's hot, which is what male/female interaction is, lol. That's why it's a bullshit image.

    • Show All
  • Octavius
    The flip side to this though is I get suspicious or even outright hostile looks from girls sometimes when I do something nice for them without them asking as if they think I now am going to demand something from them when I was just trying to be nice.
    Like 2 People
  • vishna
    Great MyTake

    I do have an issue with "Maybe I'm not smart/fun/interesting enough for them. Maybe I should have worked on my appearance more."

    People shouldn't feel this way in my opinion. Just mentally brush the whole thing off and say "I'm not their type or they don't want a relationship" and the appearance thing. Eh. As long as someone isn't a slob, they shouldn't have to change. People should be with people who like them not find them hot all the time.
  • YourFutureEx
    Nah. Leagues don't exist. Where's your ID Card that you are 9/10 and I'm 6/10?
    And if someone is boring, ignorant or abusive, it's obvious that no one will like him/her
    LikeDisagree 6 People
    • zagor

      Unless he's a 10. Then girls will still like him.

    • @zagor if a guy has bad personality and he's not even superlatively handsome (AKA 10), how'd girls like him (instead of others)?

    • zagor

      Huh? That's what I'm saying, that they'll still like him IF he is superlatively handsome, despite the issues.

    • Show All
  • ScorpionKiller
    I try and be the nicest that I can; There have been too many experiences with people's perceptions of my words that I'm never certain on whether or not I'm coming off as nice to whomever I'm speaking to at any given moment. Perhaps this is just a social-readability defecit on my part...
    Like 1 Person
  • girlygirl2015
    I dated a guy who claimed to be nice, and he was just an asshole in disguise. He was always complaining about everything and that no one wanted him. and why no one wnat to sleep with him.

    Ironically, people says I'm nice, i think it's because I'm a kind person and sweet, and I really don't recognize myself in any of this. I don't compare myself with others or complain like the guy I used to date.
    Like 1 Person
  • ginnyweasley
    i give you a thumbs up and batman agrees!
    Like 1 Person
  • Kirah
    "1. They go for people way out of their league and get pissed when they're not willing to "settle"

    There are no "leagues", unless you're an extremely shallow and probably unlikeable person. Just date whoever you're attracted to.
    LikeDisagree 3 People
    • SIGguy

      Someone mature, nice!

  • Show More (47)