I feel like I am competing with my boyfriend's mother. Why?

[Anonymous]

Ok. This is not easy for me but for those who find this stupid and utterly pathetic I agree and even hate myself for this but no matter how hard I try I cannot do it on my own. So I have decided to ask people who I can be completely honest with and tell everything to but I have to tell those reading this please be gentle with me and thank you for taking the time to reply!
Well here it goes... When I started dating my boyfriend I did not feel jealous at all towards his mother, however, a strange negative feeling started to develop towards her. When I spent time alone with her I felt no jealousy whatsoever but when I got to see the relationship they have together I feel the slight needle of jealousy piercing into my stomach. The reason for this being that every time she spoke she only acknowledged him and never looked at me. It has always been a pet peeve of mine and it only bothered me a little. On top of this I am an extreme over-analyser.
Then I started getting jealous with him calling his mother cute and tiny. I thought that I was his cute tiny girl and that I am not the only one botheres me a little.
I also developed a sense of anger towards her because she is and was extremely overprotective of her son. She calls at least once a day, leaves messages with "xxx" and hearts at the back of them and it just makes me bit uncomfortable... I understand her worrying but I feel there is a limit. When I meant that she WAS overprotective, as he was a child she never let him experience his childhood so she could ensure his security. I am grateful to such that extent that he is alive now but I feel that he was deprived of his childhood. Nowadays he has a curfew at specific times, which I also understand as my parents are strict too, unless it is for work.
There are many more factors that contribute to my childish jealousy but then things took a turn for the worst. My boyfriend's father passed away yesterday. I didn't know the man very well but

Updates

+1 y

My second part didn't send through. Let me try this again...
I cried and mourned for his father. I was the shoulder to cry on for both of them and helped wherever I possibly could. Although when I hug her it feels like it is unwanted and that she wants only him. They slept in the same bed she caresses his leg and he does hers like he does mine and he called her sweety once... they have gotten even closer and my jealousy has become more extreme.

Updates

+1 y

I hide my emotions so I can help them in their time of loss but my boyfriend knows when I lie and when I am sad. I feel selfish telling him after nagging and then I am the monster that cares more about herself than her grieving boyfriend. I have researched this and it is not as uncommon as I thought. But something that threw me was when i read that "the relationship between a mother and his son is as strong as that with a daughter and her father".

[Hidden_P]

How is your relationship with your own mother? It may be that you are jealous of his relationship and it's coming out when you see how close they are.

Mothers and sons are normally much closer, likewise fathers and daughters. It's only natural that she still wants to mother him and she will be struggling as well with the fact she is being "replaced" by you. You will be cleaning up after him, cooking his meals, etc (or whatever role you want to take, for sake of argument go with it here). He will no longer need his mummy to take care of him. It will explain her rudeness to you. Especially now her husband has passed away, she will be clinging to her son more for comfort, love, and a reminder of what she has lost. She will need space and for you to be forgiving with her. How would you feel if you lost your boyfriend and you had a child? You would nurture that child and protect it even more.

I come from a family where I'm close to my dad but not my mother. I never really had a mother and as a result I crave the attention, and most mothers understand that and take me under their wing. My boyfriends parents (I find his dad really tricky to deal with) very loving with him, he's their one and only special boy. His mum bends over backwards for him. But she's almost 67 years old and I think she's grateful to see him with someone who can help her look after and potentially give her grandchildren.

You could try showing his mother your not all bad. While we were visiting his parents (they live abroad), it was his mums birthday. And as a birthday treat for her, I said me and your son will cook dinner, wait on you and his dad, give you two a night off and we will take care of everything. We did the washing up and everything. And she loved just having an evening off in comfort. Perhaps you could do the same thing? Food is an excellent thing to bond over and it's a great talking point, as well as a relief for her and her grief.

Good luck.

[Hidden_P]

Also, men do look for women like their mothers.

However, reading your update which I didn't see before, that's WEIRD. He should not be a grown adult in her bed (other than above sheets cuddles) and especially not stroking each others legs.

To me that's a huge warning sign... I would think seriously about running.

[Asker]

Thank you for you valuable input!!! I serioisly appreciate it!
I just want to make it clear again that they really have an amazing relationship and everything ia normal... he just fell asleep yesterday in her bed because he couldn't sleep so she gave him a sleeping pill and he passed out on the spot. I am just jealous in terms of why he didn't sleep with me in my bed?
I also helped out a lot and do as much as I can. When we got home today I cleaned up his room, the kitchen and just did some housework with the occasional hug to comfort her. She callse me her daughter-in-law and she says that she loves me as well as that she finds me special.
But why am I jealous?
My relationship with my mom has declined recently so I feel a little distant but she still calls me her sunshine and tells me how much she loves me. But the relationship with me father is horrible. I used "hate" numerous times. Writing it makes me feel shit because he does so much for me!

[Asker]

I just wish he could hold me when I cry and love me when I make a mistake. I feel like a disappointment and a burden and I wish he loved me

[Hidden_P]

It sounds to me as if they have the closeness that you long for. The actions speak louder than words.
As for why he fell asleep, if what you say is true it wasn't deliberate. I fall asleep on the sofa all the time instead of my boyfriends bed - it's not lack of love, it's exhaustion!

I think you need to take a deep breath and just start doing group activities with your "mother in law" and as for your mother, now you are older invest in that time. Go on spa weekends, go out to lunch, plan a wine and movie night. You need to spend time with them both and over time your jealous feelings will fade.

[Asker]

Thank you :) I will definitely try doing that!

[Hidden_P]

You're welcome. Let me know how it goes.

[maraloveadvice]

Hey! I came across this because I'm in a really similar situation! I am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend but there is definitely some strife between his mother and I. We have been dating for a year now and I have done everything in my patience to get along with her and let her know how much I value her and her son. No matter what I've done it doesn't seem to do the trick. When I read your story I really empathized, with everything but the loss. Having many brothers myself, I do think the physical contact in your story went a little far, that would definitely make me uncomfortable. (In fact something similar has happened like that, while I was on the couch with boyfriend she came up and started rubbing his arm!!!) It's a territorial thing, and all I can say is that you two aren't married (if you were, this would all be extremely unacceptable (of course there needs to be comforting after loss but there needs to be boundaries, right?) ) so really reevaluate how you want to be treated in a relationship. Even though your situation is pretty common, that doesn't mean it's okay. It just means there are a lot of "mother in law's" that don't know how to five away there son, especially when there is too much emotional dependence on either of their parts.

[Conflustered]

Honey you need to worry more about you. Jealousy eats away at your soul. Lighten up. You need to realise that they have welcomed you into their special world and bond. You won't fit in perfectly but in time you might. Such a sad time for them now. If you try compete you will lose. But you could learn how to compromise. Yes he thinks she's cute and tiny but when I say I like dogs and I like men. I don't use the term in the same way. Relax and enjoy what you have. Now more than ever they need each other so maybe call over to her on your own sometimes. Be there for her too and she might be over protective that is infuriating but time has a funny way of dealing with things

[Asker]

Thank you!!! Really thank you! I just got a bit emotional and desperate there... haha! I am going to try and follow your advise but what if my mind overthinks and I get jealous in the most opportune time? What should I do then?

[Conflustered]

Really I do understand the problem. To deal with a situation like that there are some things you need to think about. Is a good one? Is he really right for you? Are you trying to punish yourself? Why can't you accept that he loves you as you are no hidden agenda, no twisted plot line. To give love you have to accept love. His mother taught him to be the man he is today. The man you love. We may not like them but they deserve our respect. Try bonding with her separately. Going to get hair or nails done. Invite her for coffee. You two may have more in common than just loving him. When you feel jealousy rising excuse yourself take five minutes to yourself and talk facts to yourself. You are young there will always be compromise and difficulties. It's how you deal with them that takes you through them. I read about your issue with your dad. Don't punish them for that. You need to talk to someone to help you move on. Let yourself be loved and occupy your mind more

[Asker]

Thank you! :) I will definitely try that! You are an amazing advise-giver!

[PiuBelloAmante]

Woah he sleeps with his mom and is an adult... weird...
they have some issues, thats for sure

But, no woman comes before my sister and my mom, dont feel jealous, its just his mom and they are obviously very close (perhaps too close?)

[Asker]

The problem is that I made the above situation sound bias and I didn't have enough space to give the full truth. Their relationship is more than normal. The problem is I am jealous because I feel she does not want to let him go so I can start my life with him... but I am also in the sense that I want that relationsip with my own father so I dont really understand how it feels to have such unconditional love myself...

[PiuBelloAmante]

oh sweety :/
its ok, your feelings are normal, but not healthy, you must overcome that, and see that, his relationship with his mother is the strongest love, but, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he just loves you differently

i think you need to accept his mother and his relationship and move forward. if he is to become a man though, he must leave the comfort of his mother

[Asker]

I agree with you! Thank you for understanding and putting in the time to help! I really appreciate it!

[PiuBelloAmante]

That's why I am here
Good luck! It can be tricky, just don't make him choose between her and you that's not fair

[Suhmer]

Ugh. Mothers. Girl, I just had the mother of the guy I was seeing actually talk him out of it. So I've been feeling really shit all day and will until I get over it because his damn mother was so overprotective. (He had the same, constantly calling and texting when he was with me "im worried")
The only way we can feel better is understand it from the mothers perspective. They don't want their son to get hurt and they see you as a potential for that hurt. Plus they think you're "taking their baby away from them".
I don't actually know how to resolve this, men will always love their mothers and put them first, we can at least hope our sons will do the same.
Just commenting to say I understand the annoyance, I have suffered it to except this one actually accomplished getting rid of me.
Very sad about his dad, unfortunately I think it will make them stick together even more. It will take a long time for her to trust you/like you, if you really like this guy you will just have to wait for that to come with time.
Fuck their mothers seriously lol

[Asker]

My father calls me stupid, fat and useless making me hate myself. My boyfriend showed me how to love me and now that I am losing him I can't help but feel more jealous especially if I don't have a bond like that myself...
I dont want to feel this way anymore so I don't smother him with my insecurities and lose the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But no matter how hard I try I can't do it by myself.
PLEASE HELP ME! I am desperate!

That's the last of my updates :(

[Asker]

I am so sorry to hear about those mothers that interfered with your relationships! Thank you for replying to my message.
Do you have a special bond with your father? No matter how hard I tried I cannot grt myself to accepting that it is ok for a mother to behave that way about a son... when he is old enough you should accept that he has a life that will disclude his mother and she should accept it. Otherwise she is smothering him...

[Suhmer]

yeah its definitely smothering. my only advice would be dont put all your eggs in one basket. a sure fire way to get hurt is to rely your happiness on another person, because at the end of the day everyone is selfish and relationships dont always last forever :( so try and be happy with yourself first and see him as an extra, rather than relying on him for happiness. hard i know because its not really something you can control but if you put effort into being happy separate from him it will make things easier

[NotMyUsername15]

That's his MOM.

[Asker]

Thank you for your reply. I however do not find this helpful because as you can see if you read what I wrote above I know she is his MOM but I am jealous for an entirely different reason than just that he is his mother... I realise this is ridiculous and want to get over this! Do you have any advise?

[NotMyUsername15]

Don't try to separate their bond. You're REPLACEABLE a MOTHER is NOT.

[Asker]

I know... I am not trying to separate their bond I am just trying to get over whatever I am feeling and embrace their relationship...