My boyfriend hit me back...?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are both in our first year of collage. We have known each other since high school and he asked me out the beginning of this school year. 3 nights ago we were both a bit drunk and started talking about my family. I was telling about my little sister when he blurted out she was a slut. I was so taken back by that and so I just slapped him as hard as I could. I mean I know I shouldn't have done that but I was just so mad. She is only a junior and has probably slept with more guys then I have but still he shouldn't have said that. I think he just shrugged it off but we kept talking and he proceeded to say that she gets it from my mom because my moms divorced and has had 3 boyfriends. I was literally so mad that I got up and was about to walk away when he grabbed me and said "I was just kidding babe calm down. ok? " With that I punched him in the really hard stomach and he slapped me. Not very hard but still he slapped me. I just ran away so stunned and drunk and i was crying. The next day he called me and came to my dorm and brought me flowers and said it was just a reflex and he would never hurt me. He said that he barley even hit me and that he was drunk and he promise he won't ever do it again. He has been coming every day and checking on me and hugging me but I don't know if I want to get back with him. Should I?

Updates

+1 y

Oh, and he also said he would never get drunk around me anymore because he would never want to do anything like that ever again.

Updates

+1 y

I know I shouldn't have hit him twice but it's worse that he hit me back. He even knows that.

Updates

+1 y

I admit I shouldn't have punched him. I feel awful about that.

And for weeks after the problem he would kiss my cheek that he hit and kept apologizing. He realizes that he did wrong so maybe some of you should too.

Updates

+1 y

I also, did apologize about punching him and he told me that he deserved it and that it didn't matter. He said that he should be the only one apologizing about my family and hitting me back.

[Anonymous]

This is very interesting, because it reveals a double standard that I think will evaporate in the coming years. The double standard here is "I know I shouldn't have hit him twice but it's worse that he hit me back. He even knows that." He was being a jerk, no doubt about it. That's a reason to kick him out, break up with him, leave the room. If the roles had been reversed that's what you would say the guy should do.

But you hit him. Then you punched him. And then you say it's worse he hit you back? No the worst thing here is that you have some expectation of special treatment because you're a girl. You're lucky this didn't escalate further, especially because you were both drunk. You do realize that if this went to court, you'd be in the wrong? I mean, you're in the wrong anyway you're just lucky that the double standard will probably keep the guy from pressing charges 9 times out of 10.

The fact that he is jumping through hoops to get you back disturbs me. Someone needs to have a chat with this boy. At the very least you should both be apologizing. The fact that he is the one begging forgiveness shows that he deserves better treatment than what you're giving him. But he's young, and losing a girl that he obviously likes a lot seems like the worst thing ever. He'll wise up in time.

[Asker]

We are back together now and yes I did apologize and he said it was totally fine and that he shouldn't have said that about my family. He said that not me. He also keeps kissing my cheek that he slapped and telling me that he promises never to touch me again. He knows what he did wrong and I'm happy that I'm dating him cause he is the sweetest guy I will ever meet. I just hope that no girl ever dates you cause you're a bad person.

[Opinion Owner]

I would say that I'm a pretty average person actually. It just comes down to you being selfish. But being selfish you have no insight to your own behavior. Just because someone says something you don't like doesn't make them a bad person. If you both are together and happy, fine. All the best to you. But I doubt that you're selfishness won't manifest itself in other ways. He's too close to the issue to see it. You shouldn't post on here expecting people to host a pity party for you.

[capncool]

In terms of hitting you, he made a mistake and clearly he feels bad about doing it in the first place. On the other hand he kind of said some nasty things about your mother and your sister so I would make him apologize for that before you decide anything.

[Asker]

We are back together now. He did apologize for saying that stuff about my family and says he said it just cause he was drunk. He also said that he deserved the hits for saying that, But I kinda feel bad too. He is so sweet though and I am so happy I got back together again. He constantly says sorry and also keeps kissing my cheek that he hurt and telling me that he promises never to touch me in a hurtful way again.

[capncool]

To be on the safe side I'd be a bit cautious of him on the off chance that he might think he can get away with hitting you again, but people make mistakes at it seems like he really does want to atone for his. All the best for you two!

[CandyEyes]

Dude. you are so wrong. she could have done many things but hit him... she deserved to be hit back like seriously. again a double standard

[capncool]

CandyEyes, perhaps it exists for a reason? As a man I'm likely considerably stronger than most women (biology), and say hypothetically I get angry and lash out and hit a girl, I could do some serious damage much easier than she could do to me. In a life or death situation it might be a bit more understandable, but unless that rare exception then I don't know of any good reason to justify guy should hit a girl.

[ProTraceurDGDJ]

capncool, No! Sorry but if someone hits you then him them back whether they're male or female doesn't matter.

[ProTraceurDGDJ]

''Then you *HIT* Them back''

my bad...

[EmeraldSky]

Honestly, coming from a female: you deserved it.
Yes, he was wrong for putting his hands on you. But how incredibly wrong were you for thinking you could just get away with physically berating him and putting him in a situation where he either acts as your punching bag or crosses boundaries? VERY wrong.
It was totally not okay for him to bring your mom into the situation, but you instigated the argument going to the next level by deciding that it was okay to get physically violent rather than using your words. Really think about what you did: You are insinuating that because you were drunk, it was okay for YOU to overstep boundaries and use physical violence to get your message across, but now that he agreed with your message, you're upset.

And about your sister. well, is she a slut? If she's promiscuous then you can't get mad at him for acknowledging that. It wasn't cool for him to call her a slut, but if your sister is going around, giving it up to many guys, then honestly what do you expect? You could get upset if she wasn't proving him right, but because she is, I don't really think your response was appropriate. A could shoulder would have sufficed.

[EmeraldSky]

Honestly, I think HE should be the one breaking up with you. You clearly didn't respect his physical space and thought it was okay to get physically abusive but then when he defends himself, you victimize yourself and dismiss yourself from being wrong. Not cool and he shouldn't trust a female who's so unstable.

[HeatherJane]

No it's not worse he hit you back. Good for him not being treated like some pussy ass bitch. He shouldn't be grovelling to you he should have dumped you for even daring to hit him.

Guys should never hit girls
BUT
Girls should never hit guys

Works both ways so don't be a bitch. By the way in response to some comments I've seen you put none of these guys saying he was justified to hit you back because he was. I don't care if you disagree with this because I don't give a shit what someone who thinks they're above getting a slap back when they've hit someone not once but twice.

Grow the fuck up.

[blackadderreturns]

i want to buy you a beer

[HeatherJane]

Make it a vodka and deal haha

[CandyEyes]

One of the best responses. Loved it its all very true

[HeatherJane]

I know I shouldn't have used to much profanity but this subject annoys me so much.

[Paris13]

Sweetie, I think that bygones should be bygones, and since he is really making an attempt to make up with you and---make it Up to you---I think it's time to bury the hatchet and forget what was said and done in the altitude of alcohol.
Many times, booze does some loud, ludicrous "larynx" Job, and Later, people find they have regretted what was said and done in the heat of the moment.
Give him another chance to prove himself. But might I add, that in the future, you both learn to do more communicating and less Combating, should anything like this occur again. xx

[Anonymous]

You physically abuse him, and then he fights back, and now what? You don't know whether you can trust him? Are you being serious? Imagine if the roles were reversed, and he had physically assaulted you. You're lucky that you're a woman and that it's not socially acceptable (yet, anyway) for a man to report a woman to the police for physical abuse.

There is absolutely NO excuse for assaulting someone. My girlfriend annoyed me the other day. Should I have hit her? I think not.

You need to fix your anger issues. You are not ready for a mature relationship. You should apologize to him for attacking him, and break up with him.

The fact that your boyfriend would react in a pleasant, fawning way after such abuse is unsurprising yet tragic. He's the product of a culture that normalizes and legitimizes female-on-male violence.

Before anyone says I'm being harsh, once again I ask us all to consider what we would be saying if the Asker were a man and Asker's victim were a woman.

[Gloriaaaaaa]

So if your girlfriend hit you would u hit hit back or report her to the police?

[Opinion Owner]

I would report her to the police. Until women fear the legal consequences of abusing men (as men fear the legal consequences of abusing women), which they don't at the moment (unless it's so extreme as to require an ambulance), female-on-male violence will remain common.

[Gloriaaaaaa]

But the thing is you would probably be laughed out of court. not saying that you should be, But that is what would happen.

[Opinion Owner]

How do you know that? If a woman attacks a man, it's a crime. That's a fact. The job of a judge is to apply the law, not his or her opinions. But even if, for whatever reason, my efforts did not result in a conviction or even a charge or even an arrest, it would make her think twice about ever doing that again. It might even make her friends and family, if she tells them, think twice too. The law should be feared. If it is not feared, it is worthless.

[nicenthic]

I actually did call the cops on my ex who threatened to have the mafia beat me up or worse. They came and took a report and then called her to tell her that if anything happens to me, they will be at her door. And to stop contacting me.

[nicenthic]

She was a little slut who wanted the D but it was done with her.

[Opinion Owner]

Good for you. Everyone has the right not to be assaulted or threatened.

[EyeSeaYew]

You punched him in the stomach and slapped him as hard as you could, and yet he's the one bringing you flowers and apologizing? There is a complete double-standard that exists in society when it comes to women hitting men versus men hitting women. Of course a man hitting a woman as hard as he can is very different from a woman hitting a man, as men are built to have much more strength than a woman, however that doesn't mean that it is excusable for a woman to hit a man.

You two were both drunk and should just forget about it. He already apologized for slapping you and saying those things. If you haven't already, you should definitely apologize for putting your hands on him because that was not right. When you're drunk you have much less control over what you do and say. You should be happy he didn't actually attack you like you attacked him, because trust me, you would have been in much more pain than he probably was from your slap or punch.

[Anonymous]

I like that you're stunned that he hit you when you admitted to slapping and punching him. Sorry, but drunk or not you opened the "hitting" door and that swings both ways.

You two should leave each other and don't hit people.

Just because you're female does not give you the right to expect him not to react. To be honest, your sister does meet the requirements of being a slut. Sorry. Should he have said that? Probably not. But he did and it's probably true.

Just break up and move on.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Seriously? So, you think it was okay for you to hit him but you are surprised and "upset" that he did it back? Smh... the superiority complexes of some girls never ceases to amaze me. You can't just treat people any way you want and not expect consequences. You hit him first.

But really, violence is never okay except for instances of self-defense. Which, in this case, sounds like HE was the one acting in self-defense. You had no reason to hit him in the first place...

[ihatethiswebsite]

I don't know why people are so surprised that when they hit somebody the other person hits back. It's like duh lol

[xHoneyxBeex]

Lol exactly. The whole time I was reading this I was just thinking to myself "well what did you expect?"

[jmowen]

This is what happens when people can't control themselves when under the influence. You can't control what comes out of your mouth and you do stupid stuff like slap each other.

First of all, he had no right to call your sister a slut and imply that your mother was as well. It's uncalled for. Your feelings were justified but slapping or any kind of violence is not the answer.

It's nice that he's apologetic about the whole thing, but what if this happens again in the future? What if you both got so drunk that something slips that leads into a huge fight that ends up in worse than hurtful words and subtle slaps? What if you said something and he ended up punching you?

I'm not saying break up with the guy, but if you two are going to be around each other when you're drinking, be smart. Know your limits. You do that and there won't be a repeat of what happened.

[Gloriaaaaaa]

so u would have hit her back?

[jmowen]

No. Where the fuck did that come from? No one should resort to physical violence. I was simply stating that being drunk causes people to do things they regret.

[jmowen]

I see you're antagonizing everyone. At least 'man up' and answer the question istead of answering it anonymously. I know you did.

[Metal189]

Or worse, something fatal. They could wind up hurting each other so bad, while drunk, they cause one and or the others death. Then not only do you not have a relationship, but you also have a legal case. People need to learn how to control their drinking habits

[Anonymous]

No, you should not get back with him. You believe, somehow, that you should be able to commit assault and battery against people, and because you are a girl, that somehow it's wrong if the person strikes you back. He should find a girl who is mentally stable and emotionally an adult, not a 12 year old child.

Too bad the man in question did not press charges. Attacking people without just cause is wrong--he should have given you a black eye to teach you that.

[Gloriaaaaaa]

so u would have hit her back or i don't know report her and be laughed out of court?

[Opinion Owner]

Good question. And assault and battery is in fact a crime.

[Metal189]

No point in taking her to court. She would win because she's a girl. Court costs are skyrocketing these days. I'm surprised the QA and the guy got back together. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship (or well, at least when drinking). I recommended that they just don't drink because they clearly can't control they're drinking

[Metal189]

their*

[Casper286]

You hit him twice really hard and he hit you lightly once? Do you not see how unfair that is? Men shouldn't hit women and women shouldn't hit men. He should've slapped you in the face and punched you in the stomach really hard right back. Equal rights, equal fights.

[EmeraldSky]

Exactly. Women should not demand that men respect their physical boundaries if they boldly, unapologetically refuse to respect that man's physical boundaries as well.

[ÉlanVital]

The reflex part I believe. Him kidn around? I don't think so. Im pretty sure he was speaking his mind but saw that you didn't respond well to it so he held back. Talk him about it and tell him to apologize. If he sincerely recognizes his mistake of opening up his mouth like that, then yeah you should stick with him.

[CasaNorba]

you got what you deserve. if you can't handle the strength of a man you shouldn't be putting your hands on him in the first place. and yea he's an asshole for talking junk about your family and you dont have to tolerate that shit from any loser. but still, there is no need to get physical, you should of just broken up with his ignorant ass in the first place cause a man that can't respect your family should not be your boyfriend.

and one more thing, you guys should really be more careful and take more responsibility when drinking

[FourStar]

Couldnt of said it better.

[MaskedSanity]

You are both as bad as each other.

He was saying some douchey things, but what gives you the right to strike another human?
Did you think it was OK for you to do it because you have a vagina, but god forbid he hits back, suddenly it's an issue.

Also, you hit him TWICE. Being drunk doesn't excuse violence. You got exactly what you deserved.

Should have been mature about it and told him to stop insulting your family and left, if he kept going.

But no, since he's a man, he's not allowed to hit back, right? Better use those gender roles to your advantage, eh?

You need to get your anger under control before pursuing any relationships and stay away from this guy as he is textbook wife beater material.

[MaskedSanity]

Btw, it doesn't matter whether he said he deserved it or not after the deed.

The main concern everyone has is that YOU thought it would be ok to strike another person. There is no excuse for that. Like it or not, you were wrong in the end.

[washize]

You don't put your hands on people period, drunk or not. You don't hit anyone, unless its for self defense. You don't hit your boyfriends, husbands, friends, you don't hit anyone.

You were in the wrong and he has a right to defend himself.

However, i wouldn't date a guy who constantly talked shit about my family. I would break up with him for what he said about your sister and mom. Not for his reflexes after you hit him FIRST.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of gender, you should ALWAYS expect to be hit back when you hit someone.
If you'd told this story and said that he DIDN'T defend himself when you hit him, I'd think he was a pansy.
This whole "don't hit girls" thing is bullshit and WAY too many women take advantage of it and use it to basically abuse their men.
If you don't want to be hit, don't hit.

[Anon1999]

Very well said Sparrow :)

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks :-)

[ihatethiswebsite]

I've never understood when somebody hits a person and they are all offended when they hit you back. If you hit somebody as hard as you can you better be expecting the same in return lol

[Opinion Owner]

Exactly! That's how I was raised, haha!

[Anonymous]

Hitting a woman is never okay no matter what she's done. As someone who's been in similar situations as him I find it hard to believe it was a "reflex". I've been slapped and punched by girls before for making jokes about their friend and another time for rudely rejecting one. My first reflex was to block their hits by covering myself or walk away, not once did I consider hitting them back to be an appropriate option. If you plan to forgive him it's on you but let him know it's the last chance he will get. Domestic abusers are often known to lie to the abused person to make them believe things will be okay but continue the abuse dont get caught in this endless cycle

[bDizzie]

You never hit a girl. End of sentence. Now that you know he hits women you need to dump his ass!

[Justin-Hess]

thank you someone who finally has the same option as me.

[Justin-Hess]

I meant opinion

[bDizzie]

Thanks. Wow I had girls thumb me down for this!

[Sparrow24]

Men shouldn't let women beat them up because "they're not supposed to hit girls". That's ridiculous. Women aren't the fragile flowers they once were. Too many women take advantage of that "rule" and think they can beat on men and not have to pay consequences.

[bDizzie]

Once again, I refuse to advocate violence against women. I'm shocked that this has gotten me so many negative votes!

Sparrow, if a woman is going to attack me, I will restrain her but I will not attack her back!

Is this what feminism and equality has taken us to?

[Sparrow24]

Well, I'm not a feminist, I believe in TRUE equality.

[ProTraceurDGDJ]

''You never hit a girl. End of sentence. Now that you know he hits women you need to dump his ass!''.. o. O? BS!! You hit someone that hits you first end of sentence. Now that you know that double standards are unacceptable you should kick your OWN ASS & save someone else the trouble! (:

[bDizzie]

Here we go again... You NEVER hit a woman dude, you can restrain her, that's it. I can't believe how many women abusers there are on this site!

[Asker]

Thank you! My boyfriend and all my guy friends say the same thing. Where are you from? Because I think it might just be a thing in the south.

[bDizzie]

I'm in Florida but originally from Ohio so you could be on to something!

[Asker]

Like none of my guy friends would ever hit a girl. If I ever told them that someone hit me I know for sure that they would beat them up for me. Not that thats the right thing to do but they would. My boyfriend would never hit a girl either I know that it was just a reflex. He used to box so i truly think it was. I know that he is really sorry because it's been a week and he still says sorry all the time. haha. anyway I grew up in sc and now live in nc for collage.

[Phoenix98]

Well he's right sometimes it's a reflex I've hit people by accident before. Becuase I was trained to react to certain movements or pain. Don't forget though that being a women won't protect you from being hit. If you get into a fist fight or punch someone they are going to hit you back.

[Anonymous]

Wait, let me get this straight. YOU hit him twice (first) and HE is apologizing and bringing you flowers and you want to know if YOU should take him back? What the fuck?

It is you who should be taking him flowers and begging for forgiveness.

The hypocrisy of women today is astounding.

[Sparrow24]

I agree +1

[CasaNorba]

THE DAMN TRUTH!

the same could be said about men's masochism (not to defend women either)

[Phoenix1991]

Like everyone else said , He was wrong to disrespect your family like that, No denying that, but regarding the physical actions, I can't blame him. I don't blame you for feeling hurt emotionally, the slap was your fault.

I do hope everything pans out for you two.

[beachgirl1995]

I sounds like he is making an effort. You both drunk and acting stupid. You also hit slapped and punched and he barely slap you. I think you should stay with him. This is mainly your fault though... not to be childish but you started it.

[EmeraldSky]

I agree. She is the one who initiated the whole "lets just put our hands on each other instead of handling this in a more appropriate, non-physical way"

[SarahP]

I think on this instance you were wrong for hitting him in the first place.
What he said was inappropriate, but there are better ways to deal with things.
I'm sure that what he did was purely reflex in defensive of what had just been done to him.
Seems as though you both regret it but I think you should both find another way to channel your anger to avoid something more serious happening in future arguments.

[Anonymous]

I would give him another chance. Maybe it was just a reflex. U probably shouldn't have hit him but it's ok. At least he moved past it. Just tell him never to offend r family again and if he ever hits you again let him go. He seems sweet so I would give him one more chance.